Have I been a pregzillia?

[5aside1]

So as above, 35 weeks pregnant and am feeling super paranoid that I’ve been a pregzilla as in laws have been super cool with me and my mums made comments about me being very anxious.

So... Ive listed below what might be considered preschools/pregzilla behaviour

• March to May my partner and DH followed lockdown rules and didn’t visit anyone although DH did continue to do weekly shop for his parents who were both in the shielded category. This decision particularly upset MIL who thought we didn’t need to distance from her because she wasn’t seeing anyone else and so couldn’t have caught it (although she did still have to attend medical appointments once-twice a month during this time)
• May to June we did start visiting parents in gardens sitting 2m apart. Again the decision to remain 2m apart provoked eye rolling. From June time DH also decided he would hug his parents again (they are both separated and single and so hadn’t had any contact with anyone). I decided not to being pregnant and wanting to be cautious.
• July we moved to indoors visits with parents, windows open sitting 2m apart. This again provoked eye rolling and comments about being OTT
• August we now feel comfortable visiting parents indoors without 2m distance and windows closed
• In terms of other behaviour, I declined the offer from MIL to use my DHs Moses basket which she had saved for 30 years. I understand it was v sentimental to her. I declined though as I wanted to choose my own Moses basket as it’s my first baby and was also concerned about the safety standards not being up to date (didn’t give this last point as a reason to MIL though)
• I have complained about back ache and feeling tired to in laws and parents. Not all the time though and mainly when asked how I’m doing
• I def have struggled not to yawn in company (see lack of sleep above) particularly when around in laws as my MIL doesn’t stop talking and I find it overwhelming with little sleep
• and then lastly I have to admit we prob do talk about the baby/becoming parents/pregnancy most times we see our parents which is on a weekly basis. It’s our first child and first grandchild on either side so we’ve prob been over excited and I guess it could have become tedious for them. But I think I’ve made a real conscious effort to make sure I am asking about what is happening in their lives still. My parents have also prob had to endure most of this pregnancy chat though as I do struggle to get a word in edge wise with in laws.

So anyone I def feel like I’m getting the cold shoulder and a bit of eye rolling again when we talk about pregnancy etc which has made me feel paranoid about how I’ve been acting...

So I’m wondering if my behaviour does seem OTT or precious compared to others at this time?

Sorry for this being a novel

Doesn't sound pregzilla at all, all reads pretty normal given the circumstances. I would be ignoring all the eye rolling, and would just carry on doing normal DIL stuff as you have been - asking how they are doing etc. And yes, you are absolutely allowed to be excited about your pregnancy and baby! Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Sounds totally normal and not remotely OTT. You were sensible to follow the lockdown guidelines - even if you hadn’t been pregnant that would have been sensible! And it’s totally normal for parents-to-be to express excitement about the pregnancy to their own parents.

I wouldn’t let this worry you - if they’re being cool with you it’s their problem, not yours. It doesn’t sound like you have done anything wrong to me.

Your lockdown arrangements don’t sound pregzilla, the opposite actually as you should still be social distancing now when you visit your family, both inside and out. Especially important in your third trimester, and also you’re breaking the rules if you don’t.

The Moses basket I would have taken. Poor MIL keeping it for 30 yrs for her grandchild then you refusing it. The rest sounds fine.

You sound perfectly normal to me. They sound lacking in the ability to follow rules and think they are different and special in some way.
Watch out for that once the baby is here as they may not want to respect your boundaries or rules around the baby.

@Racoonworld

Your lockdown arrangements don’t sound pregzilla, the opposite actually as you should still be social distancing now when you visit your family, both inside and out. Especially important in your third trimester, and also you’re breaking the rules if you don’t.

The Moses basket I would have taken. Poor MIL keeping it for 30 yrs for her grandchild then you refusing it. The rest sounds fine.

I've been looking for the rules but can't find them. Can you link them please?

It doesn’t sound extreme.

The problem with some people is that the instant you do anything that is different from what THEY did 30 years ago it provokes a response. Maybe they perceive it as criticism as how they acted or are acting and therefore you are being ‘over the top’. True for pregnancy and I think also true for pandemic - I’ve been judged for not wanting to be close to people and I’m not extremely pregnant.

If it’s this then it will continue. You need to be clear about how you are looking after YOUR baby and not take any crap of (I’ve brought up 22 kids fine). Stick to your guns, have the hide of a rhino and keep saying ‘medical advice changes all the time, would you like me to send you the latest advice on feeding/sleeping/pandemic etc.’

It could also you are sleep deprived and overthinking thing too . Pregnancy is very long even when it’s not you - maybe they are just impatient for the baby to arrive!

Not pregzilla at all. Not sure I’d want to use an old Moses basket either. How has it been stored for 30 years? I know you could just get a new mattress but don’t think I would. Good advice from pp about ignoring eye rolls.

Wasn’t sure about your dp and dh comment though, is this the same person or 2 different people?

@footprintsintheslow

Here is the link
www.gov.uk/guidance/meeting-people-from-outside-your-household-from-4-july

Right, so you've followed the lockdown rules and are excited about your baby? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me! I'd have explained I was concerned about the safety of the Moses basket and/ or just taken it and not used it if I didn't think it was safe, but I don't think you were OTT at all. I can give you about 25 a few examples of pregzilla behaviour, this ain't it.

I would have taken the basket and used a new mattress tbh- you’ll only use it a few months there’s little point in buying everything new.

Maybe it’s just because there’s not much else going on right now to chat about? If you don’t feel supported just stop visiting so frequently.

Some relationships break down a little when a baby comes along. Especially MIL/DIL relationships.

I don’t think you’ve done anything especially wrong but your MIL might think you’re being a bit precious. When I think of my own first pregnancy there were lots of things I insisted upon that were my own choice (not travelling in the car to see them or my parents past about 25 weeks, for instance). I was also a bit shitty when a very excited MIL bought maternity clothes for me when I was 6 weeks. What I now know was a very kind gesture blindsided me at a time that I wasn’t ready. and then when baby came I felt that she was critical about everything (she was and is, but our relationship soured because I couldn’t help the way I reacted).

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. Maybe just that this is a fragile relationship right now. But that doesn’t mean you have to do anything you don’t want to do. It might mean that your relationship does suffer though.

Your lockdown routine was very sensible, don’t sweat it.

Very normal. I bored for England on how crap I felt with my youngest. Cried more than a few times too.

Some people want everyone else to be careful so they don't have to be.

I'm also 35 weeks pregnant and been exactly the same as you and I don't think I've been pregzilla so try not to worry!! I do however suffer from paranoia so totally understand why you do worry!!

Take the Moses basket, don't use it, take a couple of photos of your baby in it to show MIL and if they visit maybe use it?

Nope. Moses basket thing was maybe a bit mean. I'd have taken it and bought anew mattress.

But as for the lockdown stuff you've been way more relaxed than us and I'm not pregnant and nobody in our family is shielding. I've seen my mum twice since March. Both times outside only and well over 2m away. She's 68 and no underlying conditions.

You don't sound that bad. Lockdown was a strange time and the rules now seem a bit confusing! I'd have probably taken the Moses basket and then found an excuse not to use it - they barely get used in my experience anyway.

See the Moses basket is not something I would have taken. It’s been sitting around for 30 years!! God knows where it’s been stored/what has been lurking in it. But my MIL did this too - dug our 40 year old baby clothes she expected me to use

@5aside1 I'm due with my first baby next week and have also been very cautious throughout. Like you, my DH and I didn't see our parents for months either at the height of the lockdown. When we started seeing them in June it was only outside and I suggested everyone had their own picnic lunch. There's been no hugging or touching between any of us. Earlier this week my parents came round and sat inside when it got colder but we sat in the kitchen with the garden doors open and sat apart from each other. I made them drinks and dinner but wouldn't allow my mum to help so I knew what needed to be cleaned afterwards.

You've followed the guidelines and haven't been dramatic at all. I feel such a responsibility for carrying my baby and making sure I am keeping him/her safe. Try to ignore the eye rolling - it's not kind.

It's expected that you'll talk about how excited you are and to be honest that you're tired. The mothers should be able to remember how tiring growing a baby is!

My DH and I have talked about how we feel we want visits to go with our parents when the baby arrives. We have set boundaries we are comfortable with and have talked to our parents about our expectations. It's all been very positive and they are just as keen to keep us safe too. We have asked them to think how they can reduce the risk of this virus as the due date comes closer. They have suggested things like delaying seeing friends or other family members for a little while and my parents are choosing to shower and change straight away when they come home from work. My in-laws are retired. Perhaps doing something like this might help you to set expectations when the baby comes?

I am not remotely squeamish about second hand things - I’ve bought loads myself. But I wouldn’t have accepted a 30 year old Moses basket either. Who knows how grubby it could have become or what could have got into it in that time - not to mention the inevitable degradation to the materials making it possibly less safe.

MIL was entitled to keep hold of it and offer it, but not entitled to be snotty about the offer being refused. It’s not OP’s responsibility to accept things she isn’t happy with to appease her MIL.

Not a pregzilla at all.
I have nothing against something second hand that was used for a baby recently(we've got a lot of second hand clothes) but it's understandable not to accept something 30 years old as you don't know how much it could have deteriorated in that time and how you could get it clean.

You've complied with the covid rules albeit perhaps more zealously than others......which is perhaps what your parents/PIL have picked up
On? But it's whatever you're comfortable with I suppose .....I would have eye rolled at the window opening and lack of hugs though too since you live full time with your husband and he's hugging them he's just as easily going to spread it you if he catches it from a hug 🤷‍♀️

What are you going to do when the baby arrives in terms of contact?

Have you both been going to work during the last couple of months?

If he's been going to work and doing the shop but you are still keeping your rules up with the parents then I would think you were being OTT - you're either in full isolation or you're not - you can't pick and choose?

@ivfbeenbusy

You've complied with the covid rules albeit perhaps more zealously than others......which is perhaps what your parents/PIL have picked up On? But it's whatever you're comfortable with I suppose .....I would have eye rolled at the window opening and lack of hugs though too since you live full time with your husband and he's hugging them he's just as easily going to spread it you if he catches it from a hug 🤷‍♀️

What are you going to do when the baby arrives in terms of contact?

Have you both been going to work during the last couple of months?

If he's been going to work and doing the shop but you are still keeping your rules up with the parents then I would think you were being OTT - you're either in full isolation or you're not - you can't pick and choose?

No I disagree, everyone has to be able make their own decisions about how they behave regarding covid rules and reintegration back to real life. Everyone needs to feel comfortable with their level of risk. And if you are forced to take risks in one area like going to work you may choose to limit the risks in other areas of your life to counterbalance. The next person may take a different view on it. No one is being OTT.

All reasonably normal to me, taking the pandemic restrictions into account (which you followed much more zealously than I think I would have done).

I don't think that turning down a 30 year old moses basket was unreasonable. It would have been the sort of thing I would have wanted to have from new had I intended to use one, which I didn't.

I declined a 30 year old cot from my MIL. It was a very odd sized thing too and a properly fitting mattress could not be sourced. The only one they could find left huge gaps at each side and end.

My parents were buying us a brand new cot anyway. MIL tried having HER cot in HER house, but I bought a travel cot and used that for when we were there with DD. MIL did accept that and admitted that he lack of a properly fitting mattress for the cot she had saved was an issue. She finally realised that it had had its day. It was taken to the dump and never mentioned again.

This is your baby. You do things your way. Perhaps MIL's present (if she wants to give one) to you for the baby could be a brand new moses basket of YOUR choice.

It doesn’t sound over the top to me although it’s easy to become a bore ( a bit like people getting married ) I think if she’s a nice lady I would have had a look at the Moses basket. If it looked in nice condition I would have taken it. Obviously you buy new mattresses etc for it. Not being able to find a mattress is a different problem... then it’s not safe and therefore inappropriate. I think you need to be aware that when you reject something that the other person hears a rejection of their choices. “ I chose this for my baby and kept it lovingly all these years for my grandchild but apparently it’s not good enough for them” I dare say that wasn’t what you intended but it may be read that way.

Not pregzilla at all re social distancing etc. I haven't hugged my parents and I'm not pregnant.
However the only part that sounds a little pregzillaish is the 30 year old Moses basket and that you want everything new as it's your first child. I would have took it and bought a new mattress.
I used a 35 year old crib which was bought for my sister and myself, 4 cousins and my niece have all used it. Just bought a new mattress.
My daughters cot and Moses basket was second hand from my sister. Just new mattresses!