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Original poster

Partner not willing to participate with hypnobirthing

32 replies

Lottieloux · 17/08/2020 21:51

Hey I’m 22+3 ftm expecting my 🌈. I’ve signed up for a hypnobirthing course and when I mentioned watching the videos together when I’m 30 weeks to my partner he is against it as “it’s a waste of time” for him. It’s been a battle to even get him to agree to being in the room during labour but he has came round. Is it possible to successfully hypnobirth without my partners help?

OP posts:

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Sayitagainwhydontyou · 17/08/2020 21:54

He sounds like a shit, OP. If he isn't going to be 100% supprtive of you, trust me, you don't want him in the room at all. Tell him he's not welcome and get a friend or a doula to be there with you instead.

doadeer · 17/08/2020 21:58

Eh? Why is he being like that? Sounds like a total tool.

I'd be tempted to have my mum there if my partner was like this.

Grumpy19 · 17/08/2020 22:05

Your partner sounds like an idiot!
However, I did hypnobirthing with my last two labours and didn't need DH to understand it at all. It was all about me, my breathing, my calmness. DH was just there to lean on and support.
Good luck

Atalune · 17/08/2020 22:07

Ummmmm..... and you’re pro creating with this man because???

heretohelpGB · 17/08/2020 22:09

Have to say have a different opinion. Have a wonderful DP but he has very different opinions on such things and only believes in "orthodox" medical approaches so I just went ahead with hypnosis birthing myself, got an mp3 player (showing my age probably) and headphones and had a fantastic experience...even had a group of midwives come in to have a look at me (apparently) when I fell asleep at 10cm dilated and they had to wake me to push. He hasn't changed his belief system and is still traditional in his approach and two labours and children later (one now a teenager) and we just agree to disagree!

Sexnotgender · 17/08/2020 22:09

He sounds like a Neanderthal idiot.

Bin him off and either do it yourself or have someone you trust in the room with you.

With hypnobirthing you really need to be relaxed and in the right headspace. If you’ve got some knob making snide remarks that’s not going to be possible.

Kittywampus · 17/08/2020 22:14

Dp didn't get involved with hypnobirthing, I listened to the CDs by myself. His job was to pass me snacks and drinks and do as he was told. .

However your partner sounds actively unhelpful. I would suggest you find another birth partner - a friend, sister or doula.

BlueSlice · 17/08/2020 22:18

It’s been a battle to even get him to agree to being in the room during labour but he has came round.

What’s his reasoning for not wanting to be there?

Rosehassometoes · 17/08/2020 22:18

I did Maggie Howell’s CD and again didn’t need DH’s involvement.
On 3rd birth I did write down some key phrases for him but he never needed to use them.
Maggie Howell also does a book called effective birth preparation (or something along those lines). That might be worth looking at as it considers environment eg lighting, heat, privacy etc he might be a help with practical things.

Definitely go to it though.

MissHoney85 · 17/08/2020 22:18

My DH balked when I mentioned hypnobirthing. It was just a kneejerk reaction to the name (which to be fair is dreadful and makes it all sound much wackier than it is). I explained a bit about it and that it was important to me - it helped that I could give examples of people we know who've done it so he was reassured that it's not complete woo. He doesn't have to do all of it (tbh I won't do all of it either, I find things like affirmations a bit cringe) but he's come round to the idea of doing practical things like massage and helping with breathing.

Elieza · 17/08/2020 22:23

Wel doesn’t get sound a treat.

He could think he might be hypnotised and doesn’t want to admit he’s scared and that’s why he’s backing off.

Just tell him it won’t work on him it only works on labour pains and he’s a bloke so doesn’t get them so he’s quite safe.

I hope he’s a better dad than he is a birthing partner.

Don’t take any of his shit! Make sure he knows his job, to get you snacks and do whatever you ask during labour.

Get him trained in changing nappies and the like early and make sure he takes his turn in baby stuff.

TheUpholder · 17/08/2020 22:35

Some of the replies are a bit harsh to the DP here. My DH is phobic of hospitals so he took a bit of time to get used to the idea after initially saying there was no way he could manage it (I’d have happily chosen someone else but ultimately he decided he wanted to be there, and he was brilliant in the end). I remember being given the spinal prior to my EMCS and asking if someone could check on him in the changing room as he hasn’t appeared and I was worried he’d passed out .

OP, honestly I don’t think you need him to do any of the hypnobirthing stuff. It’s about you being in your own ‘zone’ with your breathing etc. I did it and found it really helped me cope with the contractions and to stay calm throughout, but I don’t think I even mentioned it to DH. He was just there to get me what I needed, keep me company, and advocate for what I wanted.

Scubalubs87 · 17/08/2020 22:53

My husband was not involved in my hypnobirthing. I knew he’d tune out of the videos and I certainly had no desire to have him massaging me or whispering affirmations in my ear. He did what I needed him to do during labour - sit in the corner and stay quiet 🙈. For me, hypnobirthing was amazing but I didn’t want, or need, it to be a team effort. However, that’s just my approach. If you want him to be more involved, push him on the matter as he does sound like he’s being a bit of an obstructive idiot. The more relaxed you are in labour the better so if that is going to require his involvement he needs to step up.

Gerdticker · 17/08/2020 23:16

Personally, hypnobirthing was completely a revelation to DH and I!

We were both highly sceptical, but were encouraged by friends to try it. The course completely won us over.

The science behind it - how making a safe, positive environment for the labouring woman, so that her oxytocin keeps flowing - is irrefutable. It REALLY helps if your birth partner understand this.

They don’t necessarily have to help you breathe or whatever, but if he understands what you’re going through, it makes a world of difference.

On another note; after my labour, I sadly had a bad experience in hospital. A level of negligence occurred that meant I suffered badly. I won’t go into details, and both me and baby are totally fine now, but I really really needed DH there to advocate for me when the staff failed me. I couldn’t speak for myself and he was my hero.

So please do try and talk him round - he might surprise himself!! X

Original poster

Lottieloux · 18/08/2020 07:41

I just want to point out that he is an amazing partner and supportive of everything else pregnancy wise and was my rock when I had the mc beginning of the year. The reason he didn’t want to be in the room is because he really does not cope well with hospitals and kind of shuts down when I’m in pain and there’s nothing he can do to fix it

OP posts:

MizMoonshine · 18/08/2020 07:49

I recommend getting a different birthing partner.
Is your mum/sister/best friend available?
Your birthing partner needs to be someone who is going to support you in that time of need. He doesn't sound like he's up to the task.

AnnaSW1 · 18/08/2020 07:50

He won't do something as insignificant as this for his first born child? He needs to grow up.

LoeliaPonsonby · 18/08/2020 07:53

To be honest hypnobirthing was a big load of bollocks for me, and I can understand his scepticism. A lot of the courses make an absolutely massive thing about the father’s involvement and if he’s not comfortable with that, then he gets to say that too. In the same way that some women want whale music and some women want an epidural from the get go, men have preferences too. As others said, you can do hypnobirthing without him,

borntobequiet · 18/08/2020 08:00

Having fathers witness the birth of their child is a relatively recent thing. While it can be a wonderful experience for some, for others it can be very upsetting and have a negative effect on the relationship with partner and child.

Mintjulia · 18/08/2020 08:12

If he has a hospital phobia but has psyched himself up to be there for you, it might be that he can’t take on another new concept such as hypnobirthing.

He’ll be there to support you, but all the preparations may make him more nervous. Some people are genuinely scared of hospitals.

Velvian · 18/08/2020 08:18

I did hypnobirthing with DC2, you can do it alone. There is nothing remotely woo about the idea that it is best to keep your muscles relaxed in labour. It makes having a baby a lot easier if you're not continually trying to force it back up again with your pelvic floor muscles. You will damage yourself a lot less too. People need to grow up about it.

Is there anyone else you would like to have you and who would do hypnobirthing with you?

CrimeCantCrackItself · 18/08/2020 08:24

Dp didn't get involved with hypnobirthing, I listened to the CDs by myself. His job was to pass me snacks and drinks and do as he was told

This. And for me, it depends on whether he doesn't want to be there because he's uninterested, or because he's scared and worried.

Persipan · 18/08/2020 08:39

The reason he didn’t want to be in the room is because he really does not cope well with hospitals and kind of shuts down when I’m in pain and there’s nothing he can do to fix it

That's fair enough, but perhaps in that case it would be helpful to explain to him that hypnobirthing techniques may be helpful to you in managing labour, and that this is one area where he actually can potentially have an active role - not 'fix' it, perhaps, but certainly help. Given that he's decided to be there, what does he envisage his role as being, otherwise?

Sexnotgender · 18/08/2020 08:48

I really wish people would give all relevant information in opening posts.

Footlooseandfancy · 18/08/2020 09:07

My OH largely thinks things like this are a big load of "woo" which is fine but did come to a birth prep class led by my yoga teacher which I thought was a big step for him! The key thing for me is both of you being prepared and your partner knowing how to support you - your update sounds like he might struggle to help and advocate for you.

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