Anyone pregnant after late loss - how long did it take?

[KerryW87]

Hi,

So, I know that other people's stories can't predict nor guarantee you the same outcomes, but I'm just really struggling at the moment and looking for some people who have been in a similar boat?

On 19th July I gave birth to my wee boy at 18 weeks. I'm lucky enough to have two older children (10 and 8) who keep me and my partner going and family and friends etc have said it's great to see me doing "better" which I'm really happy about because I don't like them to worry, but to be honest I'm really struggling and just feel so devastated still.

My partner and I have decided we really do want and need to try again. I wondered if anyone has been through similar, had a successful pregnancy and could share their stories? It took us 6 months to conceive last time which I know isn't too long, I'm just anxious about how it'll go this time after a late miscarriage. Thanks, everyone :)

I lost my boy at 22 weeks October 2019 found out I was pregnant again February 2020 I'm now coming up 29 weeks.

We were ready to start trying pretty much the month after, but during this I did take time to get my mind relaxed and and didn't give my hopes up of us falling right away. I also tried not to think about it and did things that took the pressure off a little.

Good luck and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss

@AlviesMam Thanks so much for replying - I'd just started my shift when you replied so I'm only seeing it now. Thank you and also I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

I think you're right about not putting pressure on yourself - I want to say I'll do that but it might be easier said than done, I'm dreading Christmas so much as my boy was due the week before it, and keep thinking it'll take the sting off a bit if we could fall by then...but I know there's no way to guarantee that so I'll just need to get a grip of myself a bit and just see what happens.

Congratulations on your pregnancy too! How lovely 💕

@KerryW87

It's the dreaded due date aswell you have to overcome I really donfeel your pain.
Strangely I got the positive on my baby boys due date so I take this new baby as a gift from him (he was called Alvie hence my username )

I promise you will get there. If I could have looked into my future and knew I was going to have a late loss there was noway I would have thought I could have gotten through it, but I did and you will.

Please also seek help if you need it, even if you have positive days and feel like your fine it will be nice to speak with someone because there will be days you will feel so low.

I'm having counselling through my hospital to talk about my anxiety and worry through this new pregnancy and she's working with me until birth and we talk about my loss and it gets all my emotions out.

Easy said than done but don't put pressure on yourself and don't compare yourself to others, it's your own journey and your own pace and remember it can take 6/8 months to fall (maybe even longer for others) so just keep that in mind so your not too obsessed!

I have a mediation app on my phone and while trying I used to take 5 mins on an evening to do one of the sessions. I also had a drink of wheatgrass every morning (you can get it from Holland & Barrett) one spoon full in a pint of water , it has a number of good factors but also helps with egg quality etc (these things made me feel like I was doing something positive and helping my body etc)

I honestly didn't think I'd fall this quickly and I was so shocked because I hadn't been putting that pressure on myself!

Would love to hear updates from you in the future and if you ever want to chat please just drop me a message. xxx

I’m so sorry about your baby boy. I lost my little boy last August & started trying straight away, had first period in September & fell pregnant in October but it was a chemical pregnancy then I had nothing since. It completely consumed me. Then in June I started having tests to see why it wasn’t happening as I’d fallen pregnant 5 times with no problem, I know I’m incredibly lucky to have 3 children & my beautiful boy. Week after I had my first blood tests I found that I’m pregnant, currently 8+5. My advice would be to be gentle with yourself, let yourself grieve & try not to let TTC consume you, be open with your OH about how your feeling. Good luck, I hope you get your rainbow soon xx

@AlviesMam Definitely, my 10 and 8 year old boys were absolutely ecstatic about having a newborn baby in the house at Christmastime so there's also that feeling of wanting that happiness back for them as well as for me and my partner. I can feel myself tearing up if I even briefly think about Christmas, but I know I need to accept that we might not be pregnant by then.

What a bittersweet but beautiful time to get your positive, that's really made me smile 💕💕

Your message is so thoughtful, thanks so much for taking the time to help :) Do you find that the counselling helps? I poured my heart out to family when it first happened, but 3 weeks on I think it'd start to grate on them so I just say I'm all good and it just seems easier, but I have wondered about counselling.

You sound like me! I've been taking the Wellwoman conception vitamins, and heard that fish oil was good for EWCM which I had bother with, and manuka honey too...feels good to take anything you think might help! I have a Holland and Barrett near me so might try that too, thank you :)

I would like that, that's so kind of you :) Hope you're keeping well! xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I lost my daughter at 16 weeks last October due to a chromosomal abnormality. She was my first baby. I took a full two months to grieve and try to mentally recover and gave myself two full period cycles before trying again. It just felt right for me. I then fell pregnant on my first cycle trying and I'm now 33 weeks pregnant. I will say, it took us about 10 months to conceive the first time (although we weren't timing ovulation or anything) so it doesn't necessarily mean it'll take the same length of time the second time!

Re counselling, I did attend a few sessions and found it really helpful - I could just completely let loose and talk about how heartbroken I was, how jealous I was of other pregnant women, and all of the horrible emotions I was feeling embarrassed about. I know my family didn't mind when I vented to them, but there's something about pouring your heart out to a stranger who is literally being paid to sit there and listen to you and can offer new perspectives. X

@otterbaby Thank you so much, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your wee girl ❤️❤️

I've struggled with the guilt of wanting to try again incase anyone thought I was trying to replace my wee boy (which is impossible, but you know that someone can't know that unless they've been through it) but you're so right; you just have to do what feels right I guess, so I'm so glad it felt like the right time when you started trying again. I feel like, for me, I can't feel better until I know I'm actively trying to get to a happy place again, if you get me?

That's fantastic you fell first cycle! ❤️ I hope to be as lucky as that, but I'm trying my best to stay realistic. Congratulations on your pregnancy, you're on the home stretch now too! Hope you're keeping well? :)

That does sound good as you'll know as well as I do, you sort of hold back or give people the script that is perhaps easier to digest when you're talking to family and friends. I'm so glad you're finding it helpful :) xx

@sh84 I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ Thanks for sharing this, it sounds like you had such a rough time of it emotionally having to have all those tests etc.

I'm so glad it did finally happen for you, congratulations :) I don't even think it's the length of time it might take that bothers me - if I could have a magic ball that told me it would take 6/8/12 months, it would be ok to wait because I'd know it was going to happen, but of course you can't know that so Im going to really need to try and stay positive and not get too disheartened with negatives each month...easier said than done, though I think.

Thank you so much for messaging, it helps so much just to talk to people who know exactly how I feel. Hope you're well ❤️ xx

Thank you ☺️ I definitely understand the guilt - and I'm pregnant with another little girl so I really struggled with the feeling of 'replacing' her! It took some time for me to change my outlook and see it as a gift - almost like it was her saying it's okay to love another baby too now. And yes, I too felt like I was in some weird limbo in between losing her and trying again. It was only when I was actively trying again that I felt like I had a purpose, since mine had just been taken from me. It's such a hard feeling. But regardless, we'll always love our babies even if they didn't make it home with us!

Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out for you xx

Very sorry to hear that you lost your baby boy. My first pregnancy, my dd, was a late loss. I conceived her on the pill, a complete surprise and had no idea how long it would take to get pregnant again, I'd literally never tried before.

I lost DD1 on 27/4/15 and was desperate, literally desperate to be pregnant again. We started trying right away, although the first month I didn't have a proper cycle. I got pregnant in the August, which felt like a long time but really wasn't. DD2 due date was actually the same day I lost DD1, the 27/04. I had a elective caesarean due to the trauma relating to the first birth and I requested it for 39 weeks so she was born a week earlier. Having DD2 was a wonderful gift, I still feel so lucky and grateful that she is here, but it was a bloody hard pregnancy and very hard having her at the exact same time of year that I lost DD1. In hindsight it probably wouldn't have been better if I could have had some space in between and time to heal physically and psychologically. It also means DD2 birthday is always a hard time of year for me.

In my desperation to have DD2, I rushed into a situation I probably shouldn't have. Obviously this is my situation, not yours, but in reality my relationship was not great and having a child with my now EXH probably wasn't wise. However I was so overcome by the need to be pregnant again, I couldn't consider that. I wouldn't wish anything different as I love DD2 endlessly and I am so pleased to have her, but I do sometimes think if I had waited a while and dealt with the grief more I might have done things or timed things differently. I guess I'm saying I have first hand knowledge of that need to be pregnant again, and how consuming it is, that I let it railroad any other considerations or any other needs of my own. So maybe it can be better to have some time or space with those feelings.

@KerryW87
No problem
I feel like counselling helps because I feel like I need to talk about my experience and sometimes I worry that I'm repeating myself to loved ones (even though I know they would always listen and support) and I feel like speaking to someone I don't know can help understand why I'm feeling like this etc. She's a baby loss counsellor from my hospital and also helps with fertility so maybe get intouch with your hospital to see if there's this support available?

Was it your anomaly scan you found out about your bad news if you don't mind me asking?

Christmas will be a sad time and also one of the worst things are the hopes and future plans you had for this baby that have been taken away from you I completely understand and it's heartbreaking xxxx

@AlviesMam I feel like reading your messages is like reading from the inside of my head! I definitely worry about repeating myself - I know I do, because the experience of labour and meeting him and saying goodbye is the same as it has always been and my feelings are the same as they always have been too, so I feel like I don't want to burden family with the same chat over and over. I'm so glad you've got a counsellor to speak to and be able to process everything with someone qualified to help! ❤️

They didn't tell me anything about that but I think I'll maybe phone and ask? It sounds really helpful, thanks so much :)

It wasn't. I'd had a very light bleed - actually just discharge with a tinge of blood. I phoned the maternity unit and they weren't concerned, but because I'm Rhesus negative they told me to come in anyway to get my Anti-D. I really wasn't overly worried; I thought once you were past 12 weeks you were fine...I wish I'd know otherwise I would have gotten my sons watched rather than them waiting in the car with my partner (no one was allowed in with me because of Covid).

Midwife checked for heartbeat and couldn't find it, I started to panic a bit then but she said not to worry and it happens all the time, so they'd just scan me. Sonographer came in and told me not to worry if she took a while to speak, because it's just her concentrating and doesn't mean the worst. It felt like the longest silence waiting on her to tell me if baby was ok, but after a minute or two she just turned to me and said she was sorry. They let me take my mask off as I got into a bit of a state, and they asked me to wait while a consultant came in. Consultant came in and told me about coming in the next day for the tablet to prepare you for labour, hoe labour would be 48 hours after that, that I'd get time with baby, could choose to meet or not meet baby, could have a burial or cremation...I felt like I couldn't breathe for all this new information. They wanted me to stay for a while to discuss things but I said I had to go and tell my partner and children. It was just a total whirlwind. I'm glad we didn't wait for 20 weeks though as it was my partner's first scan so we were very excited and it would have been worse for him.

Anyway oh my god, sorry for that rant 🙈

@KerryW87

Oh god how heartbreaking for you, even worse due to covid and being on your own :( I know you won't feel like this now but you will look back on this and realise just how strong you are. This experience makes you a different person. When you fall again will you be under a consultant, is your blood type usually a risk to baby?

I'd definitely phone your hospital and see if you can get referred to a baby loss counsellor it will really help while your trying again too

I got told last October at my anomaly scan that Alvie had a severe heart condition, he only had one side working and it wasn't compatible with life. We eventually found out it wasn't genetic and a random occurrence so we had the confidence to try again after these results

Xxx

@KerryW87 I had counselling for a number of months, I finished that in may I think, if you have the opportunity of counselling I would highly recommend it, it helps to just brain dump all your feelings. I totally get the not knowing how long it would take & I just wanted someone to tell me it would happen again one day. We’ve never really “tried” for a baby before it was always a case of let’s see what happens & we was really lucky that it just did. This time I was doing everything, taking every supplement under the sun, BBT, sex around ovulation, OPKs- everything, then I just kind of gave up, stopped taking everything except folic acid then it happened. As for your due date, it will be tough, I didn’t really see my due date as my date because he had his birthday so that was his date if that makes sense. It’s nearly his first birthday & im kind of dreading it but it helps knowing I’ve got another baby growing. My hospital have been really good, saying I can have as many scans as I want, as many tests as I want, be seen as much as I want so I’m being seen & scanned every 2 weeks. You will get through it, the pain doesn’t “go away” you just learn to live with it. Baby loss is one of those things that if you’ve never been through it you can’t imagine what it is like. My life has changed so much in the last year & it’s going to change again in the next year. You will be ok, it may not feel like it but you will

Hi @KerryW87, I’m so sorry to hear about your little boy. I lost my son shortly after his birth at a little under 5 months at the beginning of the year. Husband and I have been trying for 5 cycles and have been unsuccessful. For this pregnancy and the one before which led to a mmc- I fell
Pregnant straight away. It’s just not happening as quickly for me this time. I have been eating healthy, going to the gym and trying to get myself in a good place before I do become pregnant.

I have also started a thread for women who have had late term losses and are ttc- just a place for support or to vent. Please check it out if you’d like to. Be kind to yourself. X

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3991758-TTC-journey-after-a-late-pregnancy-loss

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that ❤️❤️

I don't think so, I'm still waiting on the test results done on me, placenta and some non-invasive tests on our baby to determine the cause of death so if my blood type is a risk to baby the tests will show that - quite anxious to find out if there was any conclusive results from the tests.

Oh, how awful :( I can't imagine being told that after the excitement of going for your scan, I'm so sorry. I'm so glad it isn't genetic, though and isn't something you needed to worry about for the future! :)

Thank you so much for your messages, you've been so helpful and kind xx

@AlviesMam (Replied and forgot to tag you, it's above!)

@Greenbks Oh, I am so sorry for your loss...how heartbreaking ❤️

It feels so unfair, doesn't when you're doing everything right, I really do hope it all works out for you soon!

Thank you so much, I'll definitely check it out :) Take care xx

@sh84 I'm so glad it's helpful for you, definitely must be so beneficial for your mental wellbeing just to be able to let everything out without worrying about what family or friends might think.

I get you, I'll never forget either date and like you, I think it'll just help a wee bit come his due date and also his birthday if we've managed to fall pregnant again, so I just need to hope it happens.

That's fantastic you're able to be scanned every 2 weeks - the bereavement team did say if we conceived again we could have reassurance scans but don't think it was as often as that - it's such a long time to wait when you've had a bad experience before.

Thanks so much, it's really helped so much to hear people who've been through the same and I'm so happy that things are better for you now ❤️ xx

It definitely helps to talk to people who actually get it, friends & family may feel a bit awkward as they don’t really know what to say, I just told them to ask questions & if I don’t like what they say I tell them. My friends are great & talk about him all the time. A friend of mine lost her little boy at full term & she’s been great, we was in the process of setting up a support group then COVID happened so it’s been put on hold & I don’t know how well received I would be by other women if I’m visibly pregnant. I was also on a ttc after stillbirth/baby loss thread over on the ttc page. I’m fortunate that my hospital are pretty good in the baby loss department, they run a special clinic for pregnancy after loss so I am under them, I’m also a midwife so know a bit about things but midwife hat is well & truly off for this pregnancy. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate yourself through this, there’s no right or wrong time to try again, you have to do what feels right for you & ignore any outside comments/opinions

So sorry to hear of everyone’s losses I lost my baby boy in November at 20 weeks (we found out at the anomaly scan). It took until early Feb for the post mortem to show he had a rare growth syndrome. I was desperate to try again almost immediately and very luckily fell pregnant at the end of Jan, I actually got my positive test on the day of Baby’s memorial service which cruelly was Valentines Day. I then bleed heavily from 5 to nearly 17 weeks due to a subchronic haematoma and had all my counselling cancelled due to Covid so it’s been a long anxiety ridden road! However I’m now nearly 31 weeks and just starting to believe there will be a baby at the end of it! I have been attending appointments at my trust’s Rainbow Clinic which has meant lots of extra reassurance scans and a consultant to talk some sense into me! Wishing all the love in the world x

@HenrysHome

So sorry for your loss ❤️ It's such a shame you had to wait until February for your test results too :( That's my fear - I didn't opt for a post mortem but had tests on me and placenta (I lost over a litre of blood during labour so the midwife thought there's a chance it was an abrupted placenta) but they said it'll likely be more than 8 weeks for results and it just seems like such a long wait.

So happy it didn't take too long for you! ❤️❤️ I've never heard of a subchronic haematoma but my god, that sounds like you've had such a rough ride this time! My heart goes out to you and I'm so pleased you're now on the homestretch! I can feel myself tearing up just thinking about someone I don't even know getting that happiness after what you've been through...and I hope one day that'll be me too 🤞 Thanks for messaging :) xx

@greysome

Thanks so much for sharing and being so honest about everything, you sound like you've really been through it and I'm sure your wee girl is very lucky to have you ❤️❤️

That must have brought up some difficult emotions having your daughter around the same time as your loss :(

I understand what you're saying about the need to conceive again overshadowing everything else. I will need to try not to be like that, but at the moment it's hard as both my partner and I seem to talk about it non stop so I think it's at the forefront of both our minds. Thanks so much for replying xx

Thank you for your lovely reply @KerryW87 It was such a long time to wait for the results and it was a hard decision to know whether to start trying again before we knew if there was a problem that could happen again but the desperation was so real I couldn’t not try. I had the results back from tests on me and the placenta pretty quickly which showed no problems so we were told to prepare ourselves for the fact it was just ‘one of those things’ which can be harder to deal with in a way. I got the timeline confused a bit in my earlier post, I was actually 16 weeks pregnant again when we had the pm results so that would put it mid March. As you can imagine it was a very tense 16 weeks not knowing if it was going to happen again plus all the extra bleeding! I was blindsided a bit as we had prepared ourselves to be told that no cause was found but it actually showed a severe case of a rare growth syndrome. Because of Covid my husband had to have this conversation of loudspeaker from the car as he wasn’t allowed into clinic. It’s not genetic so that should have been reassuring but I think the damage was already done in terms of the anxiety surrounding this pregnancy. I am fortunate to have a faith otherwise I think I would have cracked by now!!

I hope you get all the happiness you deserve and find some healing x

@AlviesMam @sh84 Thank you both so much for your messages re. some form of counselling. I contacted my local hospital's SANDS and a lovely woman there took my details and someone is going to call me next week for a sort of phone counselling session thing, I think :) Hope you're both well ❤️ xx