Friends pulling away during pregnancy?

[moonriver32]

I'm in my early thirties and currently 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I don't have a huge group of friends, but smaller circles from various places (school, uni, work etc). The majority of them are supportive and excited that I'm pregnant, unsurprisingly the ones who have had children already are providing the most support since I got pregnant! Checking in with me regularly, asking how I am, wanting to talk about the baby.

However my two oldest and closest friends (don't have children), to be honest, give off the vibe that they couldn't care less. One of them LOVES babies, was so excited when I told her I was pregnant and said she wanted to be so involved! But has barely asked how I am/brought up the pregnancy since. My other best friend is not particularly maternal, but thought she'd be a bit more enthusiastic seeing as it's me that's pregnant. If I don't bring up the pregnancy/anything baby related with either of them... They just don't mention it. They haven't asked me anything the whole way through. How I'm feeling about things, whether I'm nervous about the birth, whether we've bought anything or decorated the nursery... The pregnancy feels like the elephant in the room!

Covid/lockdown hasn't helped I don't think as we've not seen each other as frequently as we would have normally, but when I have seen them recently it's almost a bit awkward and I feel like they're distancing themselves a bit. They don't even comment on my bump if I haven't seen them for a few weeks and it's clearly grown! Some of it may be my own paranoia but I can't shake the feeling.

I know everyone says you gravitate towards other parents once you have kids but the thought of losing my best friends over it is a horrible thought.

Do you think I'm expecting too much of them?

I think (in the nicest way, I'm not saying it's you personally!) generally other people's pregnancies are a bit boring whereas to the pregnant woman they're obviously the biggest thing ever! Especially for women who don't have children themselves and aren't pregnant it's all just a bit uninteresting. I found the same, my friends who had kids already were asking the questions, taking an interest and my friends who didn't have them on the radar just congratulated me at the beginning and end and just got on with it. I realised I'd been the 'not very interested' friend for my friends who had kids when they'd been pregnant although I hadn't intended to be at all. You only realise it's an ever changing, all consuming thing once you're going through it in my experience.

@Hellishcrusade that's probably a very good point. And I don't feel as offended t by it from other, less close friends who haven't taken much interest... I think I just expected more from my best friends of 15-20 years! But maybe I am expecting too much. I think it's because I know (or think) I'd be super excited if it was the other way round and it was one of them having a baby. Because it's one of "us" having a mini one of us! But maybe I shouldn't assume everyone feels the same as as me...

I agree with the above poster. I think some people really enjoy talking about their pregnancy and the baby etc but for me I didn’t really feel the need to talk about it with my friends. I have one friend who had a child the same time as me but other than that I never made any “mum friends” as such. This is generalising but most people I know with groups they met at either the NCT or baby groups only really have the fact they have children the same age as common ground so that’s all they talk about and it can get rather competitive😂Neither of my best friends have children or are even close to having them, one isn’t maternal at all, my baby just joins us as an extra if we go for lunch or meet up, but the conversation is rarely baby related as it just isn’t interesting or relevant to them and that’s totally fine with me

@thetangleteaser No I totally get that, and the funny thing is... I'm not into babies at all either and am not usually one to want to talk about any of that stuff... if they brought it up I'd probably briefly discuss it and then go back to talking about whatever we usually do. But it's the fact that they're so unwilling to acknowledge it that's bugging me... It makes me want to talk about it even though I probably wouldn't give a crap normally!

I certainly don't expect them to be looking at paint samples with me, or cute baby outfits... Just a simple "How are you feeling this week? Fat and hot?" or something would do!

When you become a mum OP it’s best to make mum friends as you can relate to one and other. I think it will be common for people to drift especially if your best friends have no kids of their own. I would make sure you join baby classes and try meet other mums just in case your friendships mean you are not quite as close.

@Bananabread8 Yeah a few people have recommended the same and I think it's something I'll have to try - I'm not great at making new friends, and the thought of it terrifies me! I just wish my existing friends could continue be what I need... But I know I should try and make some local mum friends. I don't want to feel like I have to "replace" friendships of 20 years though just because I've had a baby... I've not had a personality transplant! It's so hard...

I both understand why you are a bit hurt and think,gently, you are probably being a bit unreasonable. Other peoples pregnancies are quite boring to be honest. I barely talk to my friends about mine. I do drone on to my best friend about nursery, new outfit etc but beyond that I largely keep it to myself/parents.

It sucks though when you want to share with those you feel closest to.

Two of my close friends who don't have children have been like this, I'm not fussed that they don't ask about my pregnancy or anything like that and in fact I rarely mention it when we do talk, it's more that they just don't really bother with me like they used to, like they've already written me off now I'm going to be a mum despite me being so careful not to let it dominate. They don't reply to my messages for weeks, ignore questions I ask about them to try and keep a connection, there's just this distance that I don't feel I've created. It's really sad, I very much wanted a child but didn't realise it meant some people would decide to withdraw from you simply for that reason. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel sad if friends don't ask how your pregnancy is going, surely it comes under big life events that you ask about like the process of buying a house.

Yeah 20 years is a long time. Are you over thinking it OP. Just reach out first? Suggest to meet up. Check in on them too. Covid has caused lots of friendship problems lately and not down to pregnancy people who have just been upset that with a friend has not checked in with the other.

I can completely sympathise OP, out of my friendship group I'm one of the last to have a baby, I feel like I've been so supportive of all my friends during their pregnancies and yet I'm getting no support. One of my friends recently had an early miscarriage and another is going through IVF and they've straight out refused to see me because I'm pregnant. Because of that my other friends don't mention my pregnancy at all on our group chat and we've barely seen each other due to covid, I feel like it's completely the elephant in the room. I'm almost being made to feel guilty for being pregnant and I'm finding the whole experience so lonely...

I complete sympathise! My little one is 5 weeks old now and I found exactly the same in pregnancy. I think another poster hit the nail on the head pregnancy is personal and not that interesting for other people . Also as someone with limited interest in babies and pregnancy till my own I never actually realised how hard pregnancy was . It would never have crossed my mind to really ask how someone was doing as I just assumed they would be excited and fine being pregnant a l

Pressed send long before I meant to .

Basically before I was pregnant I had such little understanding of it so I would have been like your friends.

The good news is thou once my little boy was here everyone was very excited and checks in on us often . I think you will just find it's pregnancy they don't mention

I really hate the pregnancy or children get out clause to be a good friend. I’m not necessarily “interested” in everyone’s jobs, parents, tinder dates but I ask because that’s friendship. I don’t think asking how your pregnancy is going is too much, like you said you aren’t asking them to be heavily involved.
Sadly OP you will loose some friends once you have a baby- but you will have less time. Spend it wisely with decent friends!

You have to accept that friendships will change as a result of you having a baby. It’s not like you’ll be ‘written off’ for being a mum or have a ‘personality transplant’ it’s simple maths. You won’t have the time or (probably) money to jet off on girls holidays or go on weekly nights out. At the beginning, a phone call might seem like a bit of an effort when you’re exhausted! It will pass, and good friends will recognise that your priorities have shifted slightly, and allow the friendship to adjust accordingly.

Your friends are probably a bit apprehensive about the change, and maybe feel like they shouldn’t be bothering you with whatever is going on in their lives while you are dealing with something so all consuming. Just chill out, keep in contact at your end and let them adjust.

Before having had my own children, I would have struggled to know what to say to a friend who was pregnant if I'm honest, it just didn't come naturally to me.

Other than morning sickness, I didn't know what to say about other pregnancy illnesses - do people want to talk about them or not? Likewise with growing bump - would I offend or do they want me to say its grown?

After having my own, it just comes naturally to ask how someone's keeping and be able to relate. Not just personally but I also find it easier speaking to patients and parents too (I'm a paediatrician)

I agree with @riddles26, pre pregnancy I wouldn’t have really known what to say to a pregnant friend. Just didn’t know the etiquette! I’m 39 weeks and weirdly I think I haven’t drifted from my non-parent friends (who are the vast majority of my circle) but I’ve found friends who are parents are reviving their friendships with me. To be honest I’m finding that just as strange as I’m now like ‘did you not find me interesting after your kid before now?’

I think it’s important to keep child free friends to be honest, because otherwise all your socialising becomes about the kids and it’s nice to have people to talk about the news/Tiger King/quantum physics/micro blading with (whatever your preference!)

@islandislandisland That's exactly how I feel! That there's already a distance that I don't feel I've created. And like you say, if they were buying a house or starting a new job (or similar big life event) I'd be sure to ask lots of questions and show an interest, so I don't know why pregnancy has to be any different. It's not that I'm particularly excited about mortgage deals or survey results but you ask because that's friendship.. Like @OnlyFoolsnMothers says!

It's just weird to have shared everything naturally and easily with each other up until this point but this one thing becomes a hurdle we can't quite figure out?

@Dollywilde Haha I totally get that... Have definitely found myself speaking a lot more to my "parent" friends who I wouldn't have bat an eyelid about going weeks without contact with before! Like I'm suddenly in the "gang" when before I wasn't worthy 😂 But to be honest I'm not going to moan about that because I'm grateful to have the support/interest from somewhere! But yes definitely agree you need that separation and to have people to talk about normal day to day non baby stuff with to keep you sane!

I'm like this TBH. Pretty disinterested in my friends pregnancies. We still have good chats about other things. They are still an individual, not just a bump.

Thanks everyone for the varied replies! It's reassuring to hear from those who said that it wouldn't have occurred to them pre-baby to ask those sorts of questions and that they just might not know what to ask or whether want to discuss it! I'm fairly sure they are apprehensive about the change (as am I) and I'm definitely an overthinker which doesn't help matters. They might be having a normal reaction and I'm taking it as some sort of agenda to cut me out. As a PP said maybe I just need to chill, and keep checking in with them and reminding them I'm still here and still me

Just to offer another perspective. Could either of them be trying to get pregnant themselves and struggling? When we were TTC and failing month after month I genuinely couldn't handle discussing other people's pregnancies, and my husband and I did cut ourselves off from friends who were expecting. It was self preservation.

It didn't mean I didn't care, and once the babies arrived it was somehow easier because there was a cute little person to love.

I think people also don’t want to say the wrong thing (“look at your bump!”) or don’t know if you’ll want to be asked questions or which things are appropriate to ask about. You might be worried, you might be apprehensive – they might not be sure about asking “how are you feeling” in case it’s intrusive or whatnot. They may be taking their cue from you and so if you don’t mention it then themselves not asking anything either.

Perhaps you could ask them to help you with something like shopping for bits, this might then open the conversation and make them feel more involved?

@moonriver32 you said that they haven't asked about the nursery and when you have met up they've not commented on your bump etc. Have you tried just sending them a pic of the nursery or a new baby related purchase? When you've messaged and asked how they are maybe add in that it's bn a tough weekend carrying around bump in the heat. If they don't know how to approach things or what to say they might just need a little nudge that it is OK to talk about.
Do you think they've "found out" you're talking to other friends that have children more often and have just assumed they're going to loose you to the mummy gang?
I'd hang in there, yes friendship is a 2 way street but that's a long time to give up on. Good luck!

Thinking back I never asked one of my closest friends anything throughout her first pregnancy (I didn’t have children back then), I just didn’t know what to say and if I’m being honest I wasn’t really interested, it was 4 years off me having children so I just wasn’t at the same stage. She’s still one of my closest friends and now we both have 2 children we are very much on the same page again.

I have to admit I found it pretty boring people talking about pregnancy when I was pregnant, I’d rather people chatted about something else as it isn’t really all that interesting, plus you have the same conversation 100 times. I’m pregnant with my 3rd and a couple of my friends still don’t have children, they would never ask how I am or anything pregnancy related, they just aren’t interested, but I’m fine with that. Also by the time you have your 3rd no one cares anyway 😆.