Friends pulling away during pregnancy?

[moonriver32]

I'm in my early thirties and currently 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I don't have a huge group of friends, but smaller circles from various places (school, uni, work etc). The majority of them are supportive and excited that I'm pregnant, unsurprisingly the ones who have had children already are providing the most support since I got pregnant! Checking in with me regularly, asking how I am, wanting to talk about the baby.

However my two oldest and closest friends (don't have children), to be honest, give off the vibe that they couldn't care less. One of them LOVES babies, was so excited when I told her I was pregnant and said she wanted to be so involved! But has barely asked how I am/brought up the pregnancy since. My other best friend is not particularly maternal, but thought she'd be a bit more enthusiastic seeing as it's me that's pregnant. If I don't bring up the pregnancy/anything baby related with either of them... They just don't mention it. They haven't asked me anything the whole way through. How I'm feeling about things, whether I'm nervous about the birth, whether we've bought anything or decorated the nursery... The pregnancy feels like the elephant in the room!

Covid/lockdown hasn't helped I don't think as we've not seen each other as frequently as we would have normally, but when I have seen them recently it's almost a bit awkward and I feel like they're distancing themselves a bit. They don't even comment on my bump if I haven't seen them for a few weeks and it's clearly grown! Some of it may be my own paranoia but I can't shake the feeling.

I know everyone says you gravitate towards other parents once you have kids but the thought of losing my best friends over it is a horrible thought.

Do you think I'm expecting too much of them?

I think it all depends on why they're pulling away. When I was pregnant, I hardly talked about it as it was a complicated pregnancy as DS was not well, so when I saw friends, it was fairly normal. One of my friends suffering from infertility no longer talks to me. No fall out. She just avoided me all of my pregnancy and now doesn't contact me. I am currently pulling away from one of my pregnant friends. She talks non stop about her pregnancy, and is a hypochondriac to the point that it's unhealthy. I have a toddler to deal with and the idea of seeing her right now fills me with dread. It is what it is 🤷🏽‍♀️

I would have loved someone to talk to me about something other than the baby when I was pregnant to be honest 😂 My experience was that I basically became an incubator for a much more exciting human and no one was too bothered about me anymore!

@Nixen

I would have loved someone to talk to me about something other than the baby when I was pregnant to be honest 😂 My experience was that I basically became an incubator for a much more exciting human and no one was too bothered about me anymore!

This is lovely, makes me feel better about still having normal chats with my friends 😊

I probably should have mentioned that I am more than happy/want to talk about other stuff! But it feels a bit more like a general pulling away as well as disinterest in the baby... so normally we will send each other silly news articles or funny stories through the week etc, or just chat about what we're watching/doing but there seems to be less of that? Unless I instigate it first! So it's just a general feeling that I'm getting too.

I've got this the other way around- child free by choice and close friends have pulled away from me, actively choosing their mum friends to discuss stuff with. I've asked questions, been interested but it's like they see me as someone who 'couldn't possibly know/understand'

Both ways are quite hurtful tbh. I think there needs to be give and take on both sides.

I think there can be a few factors here

1. If they haven’t been pregnant, then they might not realise how consuming pregnancy can feel. I certainly didn’t appreciate how tired and hot and sick it can all make you feel, until I was pregnant myself. Same goes with a newborn. I actually apologised to my best friend after I had my DS, that I hadn’t been more supportive during her pregnancy and newborn stage. It wasn’t deliberate. I simply had no idea!

1. Lockdown has put a lot of stress on everyone and I think lots of people don’t have the same headspace as before to think about other people at the moment. Again, I don’t think this is necessarily deliberate, it’s just an intense time.

I can see why you’re a bit hurt though. Maybe have a chat with them?

Having a baby is like planning your wedding, interesting and all consuming to you but much less so for everyone else. Plus l think this is an especially challenging time with people having a going on e.g. potential redundancies, possibly unwell / shielding family members etc

When I was pregnant with my son, I had a group of really close friends, they were all very supportive while I was pregnant, but about 2 months after I'd given birth, I realised that the 2 closest friends had vanished from my life completely, they met my son, gave him cuddles, took cute pics and I don't think I ever saw or heard from them again.
I remember that 1st year being horrendous, feeling like I had no one. Then one of my other friends announced she was pregnant, and finally I had someone to relate to. Only 2 of my friends have had children now and they're my closest friends.
The ones I thought would stick by me forever, I've still never heard from. People change and move on. Those 2 friends still live with their parents at almost 30 years old, don't have relationships and still go out and drink constantly. Whereas I've got a house, a partner, a son and another baby on the way. People grow up at different rates, that's all. They might come back one day, or they might even be the most supportive friends once they meet your cute baby?!

I have no children and I feel like pregnancy and children is a bit of a lifestyle choice - and not one I am interested in at the moment. So yes, I tend to pull away from those who are having babies. In my experience it becomes all consuming and I can't meet those friends without a baby or toddler hanging off them pulling for their attention. Frankly, I find that annoying and I tend to spend time in places where children are not allowed specifically because I don't want to hear the screaming and see crumbs of bread/peas/chicken nuggets mashed into the carpet!

Don't your DP or own parents give you enough pregnancy attention ?
I think your old friends will always be there, just not in the same capacity until the child is older - unless they join the parent club! I think for now you should stick with your mummy friends because your lifestyles will be similar.

@Laks0007

I have no children and I feel like pregnancy and children is a bit of a lifestyle choice - and not one I am interested in at the moment. So yes, I tend to pull away from those who are having babies. In my experience it becomes all consuming and I can't meet those friends without a baby or toddler hanging off them pulling for their attention. Frankly, I find that annoying and I tend to spend time in places where children are not allowed specifically because I don't want to hear the screaming and see crumbs of bread/peas/chicken nuggets mashed into the carpet!

Don't your DP or own parents give you enough pregnancy attention ?
I think your old friends will always be there, just not in the same capacity until the child is older - unless they join the parent club! I think for now you should stick with your mummy friends because your lifestyles will be similar.

I'm the same 😂😂 Coffee at the softplay is my idea of hell 😱

@Laks0007 It's not even pregnancy attention I'm necessarily after from them, just the ability to maintain the friendship and feel that they still have an interest in my life whatever is happening in it (as I do with their jobs/relationships/general stuff) and that we are able to carry on hanging out without being things being weird or uncomfortable! I would never ask them to go to a soft play for a coffee... I don't even want to go there myself 😂

this 100% 'I think (in the nicest way, I'm not saying it's you personally!) generally other people's pregnancies are a bit boring whereas to the pregnant woman they're obviously the biggest thing ever! Especially for women who don't have children themselves and aren't pregnant it's all just a bit uninteresting. I found the same, my friends who had kids already were asking the questions, taking an interest and my friends who didn't have them on the radar just congratulated me at the beginning and end and just got on with it. I realised I'd been the 'not very interested' friend for my friends who had kids when they'd been pregnant although I hadn't intended to be at all. You only realise it's an ever changing, all consuming thing once you're going through it in my experience'.

I was also that friend. And tbh, I still now, at 20 weeks, find talking about my pregnancy a bit dull...there's not much to say really...! I would say treasure having some friends who still see you as you, not just a pregnant person. Also (and not saying this is you), some pregnant women are def pregnancy/baby bores, to the point where my heart would sink if anyone mentioned it because I knew that was the next hour of conversation sorted...!

I had one friend who shut me out once I got married and had a kid. She was only interested in friendships for going out to clubs and dating chat.

I also wonder if the friend who wants kids but doesn't have any yet is envious and maybe wants to distance herself a bit. People don't always talk about infertility openly or being unhappy if they're single and wanting a family for example.

Just see what happens a few months after having your baby when things settle down. You can't really know where the friendship will go until you've become a mum. Good luck x

@moonriver32 totally get how you feel, I'm a bit worried I'll end up totally friendless as I don't really see myself making 'mum friends', or really wanting to, but my actual friends seem to have decided I'm going to become a baby bore/less available and are starting to distance themselves in preparation. I find it a bit insulting really, we've had conversations about how dull we find constant baby chatter and how we'd never be like that and I've barely mentioned being pregnant unless they've asked. I feel like they should know me better than that hopefully it'll change post birth but I'm not too hopeful.

I've found pregnancy really isolating and have felt really let down by my friends showing no interest. I never thought I'd say this but I actually really hope I make some new mum friends at NCT etc!