How soon did you tell your parents?

[ktsc89]

Hi all

Just asking to get a general vibe really. I have very recently found out I am pregnant so I'm 4 weeks pregnant - very early days!

Me and my OH are really close to both sets of parents. I'm in two minds - wait for a scan and tell the parents or tell them sooner but just say it in a way like it's very early days, but we wanted to share the news. I would keep the news limited to parents but I really am that close to them that if anything were to happen I would want to discuss everything with them.

Did anyone else tell parents very early on?

6 weeks, the next we saw them after finding out.

I don't get why not telling people until you've had a scan is such a taboo. If something did go wrong would it be so dreadful to have the sympathy and support of those closest to you.

Around 12 weeks, after the first scan.

I told my mum straight away. I’d had a miscarriage a few months previously and as much as DP is an absolute star, I just needed my mums support as well, in case it went wrong again.
DP told his parents after the 12w scan, but they don’t give a toss about the baby so it doesn’t matter, they won’t be involved anyway.

10 weeks with our first, partner was struggling to keep it a secret!

Currently 10 weeks pregnant with our second and only my HV for my daughter and my midwife know, super excited but quite anxious this time round for some reason.

We told them at 5 weeks, a couple of days after we found out. It was the first grandchild on both sides and everyone was very excited. We told SIL too. It's a very personal choice though, there's no right or wrong answer - just what's right for you.

Straight away! I can’t keep it quiet! If the worst happens, we would have told them about any miscarriage etc.

Fingers crossed all will be fine!

Thanks for all these replies. It doesn't make me feel too mad that I'm thinking of telling them so early. I was thinking of an 8 week scan and maybe after that?

This is also going to send absolutely mad too. But did any one retake a pregnancy test when they were a few more weeks along to be like yep I'm 6 weeks pregnant, for example.

The pregnancy tests I have taken are as clear as day so there's no doubt I'm pregnant but it's horrible that you potentially don't have a doctors confirmation til 12 weeks.

I'm waiting for the Drs to call me for a midwife appointment. So clueless about what happens next as this is my first but very excited!

@Gubbeen or I'm just not ashamed of the fact I needed IVF and didn't feel the need to hide it. Infertility and baby loss is incredibly tough, I suffered for years. Why would I not seek support from those I love the most?! Living a secret life for 4 years would have been much worse on me.

There are always some people on these threads that will say negative comments (for some obscure reasons I will never understand) but a lot of these responses actually show how empathetic we all are and that we need to talk and rely on support... and shows that we are just as supportive too x

Do what’s right for you. It’s my first baby so I’m cautiously optimistic.

@Pinktruffle, where have I suggested that there's anything to be 'ashamed of' in IVF?

@Pinktruffle it's not about not wanting support from the people you love. I'm shy and very private so I prefer to have just DH. We are more aligned and he's very supportive and understanding.

I wouldn't have my mum in the delivery room if she was the last person on earth! Doesn't mean I don't love her or have a very close relationship with her. It's just that we can clash ideas sometimes. She would be pushing me HARD for epidural and CS!!!! Whereas I want more natural births. DH is my spokesperson and my rock in the delivery room. (Love you babes!!!)

Everyone has a different personality, different relationships. What we shouldn't do is think that absolutely everyone wants the exact same thing

@grey12 I 100% agree with you. I also wouldn't have my mum in the delivery room if she was the last person on earth! My comment was solely @Gubbeen suggesting that people have an over reliance on their parents because they tell them about things like IVF and ttc.

@Gubbeen, go back and read your comment. It was rude and judgemental and if you can't see that, I'm sorry for you. The need to keep it a secret is an inference of shame for things such as infertility, hence there is a taboo around it. I'm not interested in having an argument with you so feel free to reply, but I won't be. Your comments were judgemental, I gave my response.

Keeping TTC to yourselves is not a sign of shame @Pinktruffle.

We didn’t tell our families that we were TTC because we didn’t want to. We weren’t ashamed of anything but didn’t feel comfortable essentially talking about our sex life with our family. This is not wrong.

However, choosing to share this with your family is also not wrong. Everyone is different and that’s fine.

4 weeks. I was too sick to keep it hidden

I waited until after my first scan at just over 12 weeks. I'm not close to my own mum so wouldn't have even considered telling her sooner. Was happy for DH to do what he felt was best with regards to telling ILs but he wanted to wait until the scan was all ok first. Ultimately I'm glad that's what he wanted to do as I would have hated for things not to have turned out and then having to tell them. DS is the first (and only) grandchild on both sides

If something did go wrong would it be so dreadful to have the sympathy and support of those closest to you.

Yes. I would never burden people with a loss like that. I just couldn't do it.

@Gubbeen, go back and read your comment. It was rude and judgemental and if you can't see that, I'm sorry for you. The need to keep it a secret is an inference of shame for things such as infertility, hence there is a taboo around it. I'm not interested in having an argument with you so feel free to reply, but I won't be. Your comments were judgemental, I gave my response.

Your own issues are driving your reaction, @Pinktruffle. I quite clearly equated IVF to ovulation and your sex life. As several other posters have pointed out, there is nothing unusual about not wanting to discuss your sex life with your parents, though equally it's fine if you do.

I live with my mum so I told her a week after I found out haven't told my dad yet and I'm supposed to be going away for a week with him and his girlfriend at the end of the month and I'll only be 10 weeks and they're gonna keep asking if I want an alcoholic drink as I usually drink with them so they're going to know somethings up so I might now be going

@Gubbeen obviously my own experiences are colouring my reaction! That's my whole point, your comment was judgemental as you don't know peoples circumstances and blanket rules don't apply.

I don't think there is any wrong or right here, it's very much a personal choice. You were the one who said peoples personal choice was 'a sign of over reliance'. Its not, peoples situations are different.

I completely understand people not wanting to discuss TTC with their parents, of I had been able to conceive naturally, I never would have discussed it with them. It's all about peoples circumstances so making blanket statements is wrong in this situation and that's what you did @Gubbeen.

I really will bow out of this conversation now as there isn't much more to say.

I'm close to my family but still decided to wait until the 12 week scan. I had the support of my husband if I miscarried and wanted the pregnancy announcement to be completely positive rather than tinged with anxiety about miscarriage. I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of talking about miscarriage though and would happily share my experience (if I had one) with friends and family if they needed someone to talk to about their miscarriage. I have no regrets, and pregnancy lasts a really long time so it was nice to hold out on the announcement as it gave me an exciting milestone to look forward to!

Not pregnant but TTC soon and DH and I have said we'd tell parents once have a strong positive on a test. We've been undergoing fertility treatment for two years now and my in laws have been very generously paying for it (my husbands medication alone is £1k a month and that doesn't even cover IVF that we are likely to need or doctor's appointments).

We are both close to our parents and see them usually about twice a week, I don't think we are over reliant, and I don't think that telling them we are TTC is the same as giving them personal details of our sex lives.

But i know regardless of whether the outcome of that test and whether it is a positive outcome or a miscarriage i'd want the support of those i love the most.

But it's a very personal thing and I think you need to think whether it ends badly would you want them there for you or not. there's no right or wrong and no one has any right to judge you either way

I've got a reassurance scan this week, I should be approaching 8 weeks. We'll wait till I've had my NHS dating scan to share the news though.

I'm very close to my parents, they know I am under investigation for PCOS and have been struggling with infertility.

I planned on telling everyone after the scan at 12 weeks but I’ve been so ill and had some bleeding I had to go for an early scan at 6 weeks.
I decided to tell my mum and sister and my OH’s mum, the doctor kept calling my mums house as I’ve never removed it from my details and I really needed their support to get me through the sickness!!

Thanks for all the messages. It made me realise that the support of my family is amazing and so I told them last night, only very very immediate family and told them it was early days.

A very casual announcement as we decided over dinner that we would drive around to each sets of parents and it was getting late. They were absolutely over the moon, and it turns out my mum also told her mum straight away too so I'm so glad I told them when I did! X