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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out the baby's sex

50 replies

MissHoney85 · 09/08/2020 19:48

I cannot decide whether to find out the sex at my 20 week scan in a couple of weeks, please help me decide!

I always thought I would have a preference towards one sex. However, now I'm here I'm increasingly seeing the benefits of the other, and besides have definitely reached the point where I don't care either way as long as it's healthy!

Here are my pros and cons as I see it:

Cons:

Neither of my siblings found out with any of their children, so it's kind of not the 'done thing' in my family.
I've always thought that the "It's a boy/girl!" moment is a lovely part of the birth experience and adds a certain drama or excitement to the moment.
I always have a weird sort of respect for those that don't find out. Not sure why, maybe it's a delayed gratification thing - like waiting until after lunch on Christmas Day to open your presents!
I don't really like the over genderfication (if that's a word) of babies these days - I cringe at gender reveal parties and much prefer neutral clothing for new babies. I would hate to be bombarded with pink or blue 'gendered' stuff.

Pros:

A couple of close friends are pregnant / recently gave birth and both found out. They have both said it's a great boost for the second half of pregnancy.
My DH wants to find out. He's happy to do what I choose, but I wonder if it would help him to prepare better by making it feel more 'real'.
I kind of want to find out now. (Although I know that I might regret giving in to temptation later on - again a bit like opening presents early on Christmas Day or reading spoilers for a TV show!)

Any pros or cons of your own to add, or advice from your own experiences?

OP posts:

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WhatWouldPennyDo · 09/08/2020 19:54

We decided not to find out, mainly for the reasons on your cons list, and also because it’s taken us so many years to get to this point, the sex of our baby seems so unimportant compared to actually/hopefully finally having a healthy baby.

We are the only couple out of our NCT group not to find out though I can’t wait to find out on the day.

LexiM · 09/08/2020 19:58

I think unless you have found out with one pregnancy and not found out with another it's hard to have a balanced view.

I wasnt sure whether I wanted to know. I thought I did but as time went on I thought I'm half way there and I could just wait. My husband was keen to know and as I was on the fence i was happy to agree to find out especially when he hasnt been able to connect with baby via appointments. I'm glad because I felt a different level of connection to him knowing it was a he and also I love referring to him as a he. I dont feel when he's born I will regret finding out as having him will be enough of a "surprise" for me I'm sure. We haven't done a big announcement though and just told close friends when weve seen them. Another reason I'm glad we know is because we couldn't agree on names, especially for a girl so I'm glad we narrowed that down!

I dont really love ultra gendered things but haven't found that to be a problem so far and I reckon people that want to gift typically girly or boyish things just wait to buy once baby is born.

Emelene · 09/08/2020 19:59

If your DH wants to and you don't strongly want to not find out, I would.

I've done it both ways, didn't find out with my first as my DH really wanted a surprise. Finding out at her birth was a wonderful moment. Especially as I was convinced I was having a boy!

I'm pregnant with my second and we found out we are having a boy! Finding out was lovely and I'm enjoying saying "him" and telling my daughter she is getting a baby brother.

So basically I don't think you can lose!

JBCG · 09/08/2020 20:01

We found out with DS. As a FTM there was so many unknowns about the whole pregnancy / birth journey that I desperately wanted one thing that we could know for certain (well as certain as these things can be!).

Currently 10+4 with DC2 and I'm really tempted not to find out this time for all the reasons you've already listed. However DP would like to find out. He said that he enjoyed being able to talk to the bump and knowing helped him bond a lot with the baby. He's worried it wouldn't be as easy to bond if we didn't know.

So we're undecided at the moment!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/08/2020 20:04

I found out with both mine, with my DD and the girl I’m carrying currently.
With my first I really loved knowing and talking to her in the final months so when she came it felt like a natural transition, there was no omg we have a baby moment for us.
For my second practically, I don’t have to buy anything- if I was having a boy I would have cleared out a load of stuff knowing I will only have two children. Also it’s nice to get my 3 yr old used to “baby sister”.
Each to their own but I have to say I find the idea that it spurs you on through birth and it’s a greater surprise not knowing BS. The sheer pain of birth sees you through and to meet your child whether you know the sex or not is still a complete surprise and magical moment.

Bumble84 · 09/08/2020 20:14

For me it was as simple as just feeling like finding out at birth whether you have a boy or a girl is one of the last true surprises you get in life.

peachypetite · 09/08/2020 20:27

I’m not finding out. It’s so exciting and a bit of everyone guessing based on silly old wives tales like what I’ve been eating and how my bump is sitting. As someone else said there are very few genuine surprises in life! I am still really excited, talking to and bonding with my bump, not knowing hasn’t altered that.

MichelleOR84 · 09/08/2020 20:30

I didn’t find out ( the only one in my family who didn’t though ) and it was such an amazing moment when my son was born . It was so incredible waiting .

I’m 26 weeks pregnant and decided again not to find out . I can’t wait 😊!!

Pukeymama · 09/08/2020 20:40

I've done it both ways, didn't find out with my first and wasn't actually even that tempted. But for some reason couldn't resist this time. I felt the same as you in regards to no one in my family found out and the respect thing. Only me and DH know what we are having and it's a lush secret we are sharing together. I was worried that finding out would take away the excitement slightly but actually it's done opposite. I am LOVING knowing what we'll be having, more so then when I didn't know.

RWK29 · 09/08/2020 20:44

We’ve decided not to find out 😊 I just feel like there really aren’t many true surprises in life so thought we’d take advantage of this surprise 😊

DH was pretty sure he wanted to know but I really didn’t so I (selfishly) asked if we could not find out but if he could be the one to announce it at the birth because I think that will be lovely for us both. He’s now glad we didn’t find out and is desperate to get to do his “big job” on the day 😊 lol

AliasGrape · 09/08/2020 20:46

We didn’t find out, mostly for the reasons you listed. DH kind of wanted to (only after his brother and wife announced they were having a baby and they found out) but he felt it was ultimately my choice.

I’m glad we waited.
I was genuinely surprised actually - was convinced I was having a girl until about 20’weeks then increasingly convinced it was a boy to the point we’d narrowed down the boys name and not girls, and I was consistently referring to the baby as ‘he’. So I was really surprised when it was a girl after all, and finding out was lovely after a pretty tough birth experience.

I always thought I’d have a preference for a girl. By the time I actually got pregnant I didn’t care either way, I’m thrilled we got a girl but I’d have been thrilled with a boy too!

BeMorePacific · 09/08/2020 20:48

We found out with my 1st child, but didn’t tell anyone. It was lovely having it as our little secret.
This time around we haven’t found out (although I don’t think anyone believes us!!)
Both experiences were lovely, but I am loving the excitement of finding out at the birth. I’m 28 weeks now, so not too long to wait 😍x

FirstTimeBumps · 09/08/2020 20:51

Didn't find out with #1 and have found out this time around. Honestly feels no different other than refering to bump as "her" rather than "it". The big reveal at the birth of #1 wasn't the big build up I'd been promised if I held out finding out, but that might have been because I was absolutely out of it. I genuinely only found out this time because I had awful difficulty picking a boy's name last time and wanted to know if it was something I had to worry about this time or not.

SugarHour · 09/08/2020 21:09

I found out because I'm nosy and wanted to know as much about my baby as possible. It would have felt like wilful ignorance not to know when the information was right there.

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 09/08/2020 21:21

We found out for 3 reasons

I have miserable pregnancies. Knowing helped me picture the baby as a real person, which I found helped me focus on the end result rather than just how rubbish I felt now.

DH basically refused to discuss names until we knew because he didn’t want to ‘waste time on 50% of names which won’t get used’!

I’m impatient

We found our again the second time for the same reasons. I don’t regret it.

alphabetti · 09/08/2020 21:27

I found out with my oldest 2 so this time was thinking it would be nice to experience a ‘surprise’. When looking round shops I found that there was less choice of neutral clothing and my partner really wanted to find out so as he was not allowed to hospital scans with me I let him make decision. So we found out and it’s been nice to start to get prepared and decorate her a girly nursery. I do feel it helps to prepare if find out the sex.

Viletta · 09/08/2020 21:38

We found out, our pros were: not needing to come up with lists of names for both girls and boys, easier to buy clothes although we went for neutral mostly, better bonding, sort of knowing what to expect.

ForeverTiredMama · 09/08/2020 21:58

I'm pregnant with #3, have decided not to find out. Found out with both previous pregnancies and it helped me to be a bit more "prepared" if you like, but I like the idea of finding out at the birth - feels a bit more exciting. This will be my last so my last chance to do it this way!

Strokethefurrywall · 09/08/2020 22:07

I didn't find out with DS1, but did with DS2.

Given time again, I'd not find out. I loved the moment of finding out at birth and meeting the little being who'd been in there all that time.

Dyra · 09/08/2020 22:11

I didn't find out. As with others, I felt it's one of the few true surprises in life. I was the only team yellow in my NCT group of 6. Most of my family and colleagues I talked to was amazed I wasn't finding out. I won't deny I was very tempted at the 20 week scan, but I stuck to my guns.

And I'm so glad I did.

It's genuinely one of the best moments of my life having my baby put to my chest and my husband telling me we'd had a girl while crying tears of joy. I know I won't be finding out for any future children as well.

YorkshireIndie · 09/08/2020 22:11

We didn't find out. We agreed that if the baby was flashing at the scan then we would ask. My grandmother is funny about boys and I wanted to present the baby and go this is name (although she still asked were her great granddaughter was 😂). My husband did not bond any differently and it was fun guessing. It didn't stop me buying things but I purposely didn't buy any dresses

Dogsgowoofwoof · 09/08/2020 22:16

I haven't found out with either, I loved the feeling of discovering I had a daughter at birth. Probably one of my favourite moments ever.
More tempted this time, but it’s too late now and I know I’d regret it. Also love everyone else’s annoyance and us waiting to find out.

Normandy144 · 09/08/2020 22:21

We didn't find out with either. I wasn't fussed what sex we had and just felt like finding out in a sonography room would be very strange especially given that I couldn't hold our baby there and then. Much preferred all the guessing and wondering before hand and then finding out on the day was fantastic. I still remember that it felt like an age between DH saying "it's a" and "....girl".

bluemoon2468 · 09/08/2020 22:21

We've found out but we haven't told anyone else at all! It's been really tricky not slipping up, but it's also so nice having something about the baby that only we know and that's our secret. Personally I'm so glad we found out - I felt really disconnected from the baby in the first half of my pregnancy, and being able to use pronouns and his name to refer to him now we've chosen one has helped immensely. I haven't had the experience of waiting so I can't know for sure, but I can't imagine feeling as connected to the baby saying 'it' and not knowing for sure what their name will be. I've also never really understood what people say about it being a motivator during birth... I'm meeting my child for the first time, I can't imagine needing a stronger motivator than that!

TheAquaticDuchess · 09/08/2020 22:30

We decided not to find out, your cons list was basically the same as ours! I’m 22 weeks now and really like the fact that it’s a surprise, it’s fun to speculate and it will be so lovely to find out when the baby is born.

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