Finding out the baby's sex

[MissHoney85]

I cannot decide whether to find out the sex at my 20 week scan in a couple of weeks, please help me decide!

I always thought I would have a preference towards one sex. However, now I'm here I'm increasingly seeing the benefits of the other, and besides have definitely reached the point where I don't care either way as long as it's healthy!

Here are my pros and cons as I see it:

Cons:

• Neither of my siblings found out with any of their children, so it's kind of not the 'done thing' in my family.
• I've always thought that the "It's a boy/girl!" moment is a lovely part of the birth experience and adds a certain drama or excitement to the moment.
• I always have a weird sort of respect for those that don't find out. Not sure why, maybe it's a delayed gratification thing - like waiting until after lunch on Christmas Day to open your presents!
• I don't really like the over genderfication (if that's a word) of babies these days - I cringe at gender reveal parties and much prefer neutral clothing for new babies. I would hate to be bombarded with pink or blue 'gendered' stuff.

Pros:

• A couple of close friends are pregnant / recently gave birth and both found out. They have both said it's a great boost for the second half of pregnancy.
• My DH wants to find out. He's happy to do what I choose, but I wonder if it would help him to prepare better by making it feel more 'real'.
• I kind of want to find out now. (Although I know that I might regret giving in to temptation later on - again a bit like opening presents early on Christmas Day or reading spoilers for a TV show!)

Any pros or cons of your own to add, or advice from your own experiences?

We found out. Due to a previous late loss I wanted to know everything I possibly could about the next pregnancy.

Finding out helped us get through the first half of the pregnancy, as it was something to look forward to and gave us something to focus on in the second half, which for us felt like the danger zone.

Being able to call her she and test out names helped a bit. It didn't in other ways, made her a bit too real if you see what I mean but I don't regret doing out and would again if I were having any more (we aren't).

We didn't find out at the 20 week scan both by choice and also by baby position.
However I had further scans at 32 weeks and 36 weeks as bump was measuring big and I found out then because I was scared about the scans and wanted a distraction (I was anxious all through pregnancy)

Also, both DM and DMIL were desperate to know and incredulous that in an age of scans that could tell you, I would choose not to find out when they had been left with only old wives tales of rings and bump positions to figure it out!

I'm glad I did as I was convinced I was having a boy and in fact had a girl and we didn't have a Name for her that we liked so we had more time to prepare.

We didn't find out and I'm glad we didn't. I had a traumatic birth so I'm thankful that amongst that dh telling me DS was a boy was a very happy and exciting moment that will stay with me forever.

I didn't find out with my first, but I did with my second.

For the first, we felt like it didn't matter either way. I did have a strong sense that he was a boy though, and I was right so it didn't feel like a surprise.

Second time around we wavered, but ultimately decided to find out so that we could talk more about it to our son. I was pleased we did, as I was convinced I was having another boy, but was actually having a girl. I've got a few friends who were convinced they were having the opposite sex and it threw them off a bit when they got a son when they were sure they were having a daughter etc.

I found out for mine. Very glad I did. But if you are undecided and you partner does want to know then isn't it fairer to him to find out?

Thank you so much for all your stories. I keep changing my mind every time I read one! 😂 I think I'm currently leaning towards finding out this time but maybe not for any subsequent pregnancies, and probably just keeping it a secret between me and DH.

@peachypetite

I’m not finding out. It’s so exciting and a bit of everyone guessing based on silly old wives tales like what I’ve been eating and how my bump is sitting. As someone else said there are very few genuine surprises in life! I am still really excited, talking to and bonding with my bump, not knowing hasn’t altered that.

We're all different - for me shutting down the guessing and the old wives' tales was a great reason to find out! I found it annoying enough for weeks 12-20, I was very glad that the guessing didn't go on for the whole pregnancy!

Do or don't find out but I find it weird when people say they didn't find out because they didn't care what they were having but then also that it's an amazing, exciting surprise at birth - either it's a big deal whether the baby's a boy or a girl or it's not?

@misshoney85 I'm pregnant with my first and I am not finding out. This might sound harsh but I can't understand people who do! What's the point? Surely it doesn't matter. I would feel like a spoilt kid who wants to open their presents early. My friends who waited are so glad they did, and actually said it made them look forward to the birth more. Their partners were also able to find out before them and be the ones to tell them rather than a sonographer saying "85% chance it's female". Having spoken to people who have done both, the excitement of finding out at the birth is so much more than finding out at 20 weeks.

Having said that, I do understand why people would want to find out with their 2nd and subsequent children. It means you can get the older child involved and excited more by talking about "baby brother or sister" and discussing names etc.

My advice would definitely be to wait!

What's the point? Surely it doesn't matter. I would feel like a spoilt kid who wants to open their presents early.

This is exactly the kind of thing I mean - surely finding out the sex of the baby is either unimportant or it's an amazing treat akin to Christmas and it's very important that you hear it from your partner?

Holding DS for the first time was the most amazing moment of my life. There was no part of me that was like 'well, I knew he was a boy so this is a bit blah, really'.

@kittenpeak And I don’t understand why waiting makes it more of a surprise 🤷‍♀️. It was a surprise when I found at the scan. People have different preferences. Giving birth was the best thing I’ve ever done and finding out the sex at birth, for me, wouldn’t have made it any more special. Meeting my baby was magical enough.

For me, who was especially anxious in the early part of my first pregnancy, it helped me connect more with the baby and the whole idea felt less abstract. It was nice to be able to say he. I wouldn’t have been able to bear waiting when I could find out.

I would have found the guessing and critiquing of my bump irritating. I would have hated the speculation. I’m having a girl this time and the old wives tales certainly have no bearing on how I’m carrying. I’ve had a near on identical pregnancy and bump as I had with my son.

@Hardbackwriter

What's the point? Surely it doesn't matter. I would feel like a spoilt kid who wants to open their presents early.

This is exactly the kind of thing I mean - surely finding out the sex of the baby is either unimportant or it's an amazing treat akin to Christmas and it's very important that you hear it from your partner?

Holding DS for the first time was the most amazing moment of my life. There was no part of me that was like 'well, I knew he was a boy so this is a bit blah, really'.

All I'm saying is that from people I have spoken to, a lot who found out admitted they wished they hadn't. They wished their partner would have told them and had 20 weeks more of excitement. I never said holding the baby would be less amazing if you had already known!

And I've never heard anyone say they regret it, but we're all different. In general, I think like a lot of pregnancy and the 'birth experience' it feels very important before you have your first and really much less so when you have a baby.

I guess a lot depends on your individual vision of what birth is going to be like, based on the experiences of people you know and things you've seen in TV. Maybe because my close family have never found out, the big "it's a boy/girl!" moment seems like an important part of birth. That might be less important to someone whose 'models' of pregnancy and birth involve finding out early.

I'm still pregnant so my experience is limited, but I know my baby's sex. In certain ways, it's helped me to be more conscious about gender and given me time to think about how I want to raise my baby free of stereotypes. It's also helped me hone in on names (my current fave is unisex) and I've chosen a pink pram (which I love, but would not consider if he were a girl or I didn't know the sex) I also love using his pronouns as it makes him feel more real and definitely gave me a boost at 20 weeks! We did a 'reveal' over Zoom to my partner's family, which was planned about 20 minutes beforehand. As a feminist, I was aware we were on dodgy territory here, but I absolutely loved seeing the excitement in their faces and hearing suggestions for names. I think it's helped everyone feel more invested.

Mind you, there's already lots of gendering happening, such as comments about buying him a football strip and taking him to play sports, that I know wouldn't be made with a girl. So really the stereotyping has started in utero, which wouldn't have happened if we'd waited to find out! I also once read on Mumsnet that the sex feels like a bigger deal than it is before you have a baby because you know nothing about his/her personality. It's basically all you know about them so people make a huge deal out of it before they arrive. That's probably a strong argument for not finding out!

I'll be finding out in my scan next week, purely so I can stop saying "it" when talking about it, and use an actual name when talking to it.

I disagree it’s still a surprise at the scan, it’s not in the same way. Also, I’ve had my 20 week scan alone due to Covid so I can’t imagine me having found out alone and telling my husband outside in the car park. My trust don’t do things like writing it down etc. Finding out together at birth will be way more special, when we meet our baby in person. I wouldn’t rule out finding out for the second, but for the first, a surprise at birth is how I prefer to do it

Also, I’ve had my 20 week scan alone due to Covid so I can’t imagine me having found out alone and telling my husband outside in the car park lots of mums in the waiting room at my scan had the sex written down in an envelope so they could find out alongside their partner.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Also, I’ve had my 20 week scan alone due to Covid so I can’t imagine me having found out alone and telling my husband outside in the car park lots of mums in the waiting room at my scan had the sex written down in an envelope so they could find out alongside their partner.

I think you missed the part where I said my hospital doesn’t do that

I don't know how anyone would know if it's more of a surprise at birth or in the scan unless they've done both?

DS was a complicated pregnancy with a lot of issues, conceived after multiple miscarriages. There wasn't that much 'good stuff' in a very anxious pregnancy, so it was nice to have some at 20 weeks. I was so amazingly relieved to be handed a healthy baby after his birth, and hit with such a huge wave of love, that I am absolutely confident that absolutely nothing could have made it more magical - I actually think it's very sad and quite unfathomable if people do wish they hadn't found out because it made their births disappointing; I just can't imagine feeling that way.

My current pregnancy was very (surprisingly!) easily conceived and it's flying by compared to my pregnancy with DS, which felt very long due to the anxiety, so I don't feel so much of a need for something to look forward to at 20 weeks (it's still a few weeks away) but I think I still will because to me it seems a bit strange to purposely ask not to be told something that the sonographer knows in order to artificially create 'a surprise' later.

I found out with my first and not my second. With my second the pregnancy seemed quicker because I didn’t know, though that could be because I compared it to the pregnancy I did find out.

I loved not knowing, I loved the guess work and only had a few wobbles where I was tempted to book a private scan to find out.

Even though I knew my first was a boy, I still only bought gender neutral things and I wasn’t in any way more prepared with him than my second.

The only thing I didn’t like was people trying to guess what the baby was because some people were insulting without meaning to. They’d say my bump wasn’t neat so it must be a girl. Or my hair was dry so it must be a girl and that annoyed me.

At the birth I was so out of it and thrilled I’d had a baby the initial “it’s a boy” didn’t phase me as much as I thought it would, but it was lovely afterwards thinking oh my god all this time you were a little boy.

We didn't for any of our three and each time I'm so glad we didn't! Like previous posters have said there really aren't many true lovely surprises left for us adults. I always feel a bit sad when folk tell me what they're expecting! 🙈

We recently found out, this is my first pregnancy. I was inclined not to, but my Husband was keen as he hadn’t been involved in my first scan and any subsequent appointments.
We viewed it as, the birth is an exciting event as it is. Why not have another day of enjoyment finding out and sharing your news with family/friends, this convinced me to be honest as I had HG until around 16 weeks and with Covid hasn’t exactly been the pregnancy dream I was imagining :)

I’m 23 weeks and we always said we wouldn’t find out. I went through a phase of a few weeks where I really wanted to know it was driving me mad, but I held on and now I’m over it! Really excited to have that ‘it’s a...’ moment, not that we mind which it is. You might find that if you wait, the curiosity will pass.
Also I’m super proud of the adorable gender neutral wardrobe I’ve created so I wouldn’t want to find out now and blow all that hard work lol.

I have one daughter & am pregnant - didn't find out with first & wont be finding out this time either. It was the most exciting part of finally meeting our baby by far! I also think, I can surprise my hubby with holidays, presents etc & he can surprise me but there are very few surprises you can experience as a couple together 😊

That’s so lovely and I agree totally. I am pregnant with my first so haven’t experienced either but I can’t wait for my husband to have his moment with the pregnancy and find out before me, and for him to say to me “it’s a...”