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Negativity from other parents?

42 replies

eausolovely · 29/07/2020 23:10

Anyone else noticed that as soon as you are pregnant people love to tell you how awful their birth was or how you will never sleep again?!

People just seem to love scaring the shit out of you when you are expecting and seem to get a strange sense of enjoyment out of bringing you down. I was trying to get pregnant so I am really excited to have the baby but man some people are so negative!

When I spoke to my dad about it (he was a SAHD when me and my sister were little) he told me having kids was the best fun he ever had and it was like you had this new person to do all your favorite things with. Like it just made everything better.

I get that it isn't all sunshine and roses but jeez some people (my half sister especially) make out as if it was awful and that their kids are the most difficult things on the planet.

What's your thoughts? Did you get this when you were expecting?

OP posts:
Teacaketotty · 29/07/2020 23:23

Yes, and it continues when they arrive - “oh wait till she’s teething/crawling/into everything/walking/chatting back etc etc” it gets old very fast. I just nod and ignore at this point but yes it’s annoying!

I get the other side of it too, when you’ve had a hard night and your knackered and someone says, “oh but you don’t mind getting up to that sweet face at 4am”!

Yes it has it hard moments but people tend to fixate on the negative which gets irritating after a while. It’s good to prepare people of the reality but it’s either the best thing ever or hell on earth to some people - honestly for us it’s somewhere in the middle most of the time!

Worriedmama1702 · 29/07/2020 23:28

I did and it's so frustrating. I actively try not to do this to anyone expecting!

Apsh2020 · 30/07/2020 08:27

It is so annoying but I do like to share my negative experience with birth /the first few months so new mum's know it's ok to not be ok. I was lucky enough that an old work colleague shared her bad experience with a new born so I felt better knowing I wasn't the only one who did not enjoy it.
But general passing comments are so annoying- I'm 35 weeks now with my 2nd and people are still telling me to rest now coz you won't be able to when the baby gets here- I'm like I no I've been there. There's only so much rest you can get when feeling uncomfortable!

ivfdreaming · 30/07/2020 08:29

I experienced this - when the HV did their first home visit she commented how relaxed and happy I looked and I told her it was because everyone had put the fear of god in me about how hard it was going to be but I was finding it loads easier than they said and really enjoying motherhood

BumblePan · 30/07/2020 08:34

I had this on my first pregnancy. You will learn to ignore it. Congratulations on your pregnancy and enjoy you little baby!

sel2223 · 30/07/2020 10:38

I'm in the 'forewarned is forearmed' camp....give it to me warts and all haha!
FTM and totally clueless, expecting the worst but hoping for the best 😊

TheLastDynasty · 30/07/2020 10:52

I hate it too. Fine if you’ve been specifically asked to share your experience by the expectant mother, but otherwise literally nobody wants to hear about your traumatic near death experience / horrendous blood loss / haemorrhage / 10cm tear.

RainbowFlowers · 30/07/2020 11:18

I didn't get this before my first pregnancy or if I did I just didn't take it in and then when it was hard I was like why didn't I know this?! Why didn't anyone tell me?

Then before my second pregnancy I got irritated when people said are you excited. I thought no I'm dreading childbirth and I'm not looking forward to mat leave as I found it way harder than going to work. But thats not the polite, small talk answer people want, so I just yes!

BUT I do love that I'm a mum and its definitely what I want. And the older my two sons get the easier it is.

I'm sorry that hearing people's negative stories is getting you down.

vinoelle · 30/07/2020 11:23

I agree - I appreciate that the difficulty needs to be normalised but it’s almost swung too far the other way. Someone the other day said they had a lovely time and I was so shocked as I feel almost indoctrinated that it’s going to be awful. @RainbowFlowers Im really surprised by your story as negativity seems to be all I hear! I wonder if it’s just down to friendship group/ etc

Metallicalover · 30/07/2020 11:34

Everyone loves to tell you how horrible pregnancy, birth and being a parent is.
Then they come out and say well no one told me it wasn't going to be sun and rainbows so I thought I would tell you!
I don't get why people feel the need to!
I'm not thick, I don't walk round with my eyes closed.
Being a Mam is the best thing that's happened to me. If you go into it with realistic expectations, everyone is different!
I loved being pregnant! Loved my bump! Loved the wriggles (Yes I had sickness etc I did have a complicated pregnancy btw) but I couldn't believe how blessed I was to be pregnant!
Labour... it's called labour for a reason! 🤣 my midwife said she is asked often if it hurt! Yes I would do that again in a heartbeat!
Then yes your life changes (it's supposed too... you have a new little human!).
Life in general isn't predictable and easy!
Just roll with it OP and make it your own! 😀😀 congratulations x

MichelleOR84 · 30/07/2020 12:44

The newborn stage was pretty rough . To be honest I can’t even explain in words how horrible that stage was .

But by the time my DS was 3-4 months old , life was perfect ! He’s now 1.5 years old and honestly , having him is the greatest thing I’ve done with my life ! Every day is so much more enjoyable with him , even with the lack of sleep 😝

ConiferGate · 30/07/2020 12:50

People just seem to love scaring the shit out of you when you are expecting and seem to get a strange sense of enjoyment out of bringing you down

I disagree. I think most of them are genuinely having a really hard time and need to be able to air that with other patents. As soon as you become pg then you’re in the club.

It’s not about you, they’d say the same to anyone. Maybe ask how they’re coping?

RestorationInsanity · 30/07/2020 12:55

I've noticed that people seem to find it very hard when they feel they have to meet certain expectations or fulfill certain measurements of "getting it right". Those are the people who seem to have felt most negative about their experiences because it wasn't like that. I think there's a difference between people telling you everything is going to be awful, versus people telling you it's ok not to be perfect and just to middle through as best you can sometimes. One is not particularly useful, even if it's sometimes true, the other is reassuring as it releases you from excessively high standards.

user1493413286 · 30/07/2020 12:56

When I became pregnant my GP said to me that other mums will tell me about their births but just remember that is their story and not mine and not to worry too much. I think the sleep thing comes from a bit of twisted enjoyment that you will experience the same thing as seeing well rested people can bring out the worst in you when you’re exhausted. As someone else has said the people who are like that will also keep on saying it as their child grows up.
I found it irritating when people said enjoy the rest before you have the baby etc and now I have to stop myself saying that to people.
Also people are right that it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever done and has brought me far more joy and happiness than anything else and far outweighs the hard bits.

TheLastDynasty · 30/07/2020 16:08

I disagree. I think most of them are genuinely having a really hard time and need to be able to air that with other patents. As soon as you become pg then you’re in the club.

I think it’s a club you should have to opt into. Being pregnant doesn’t mean I’m suddenly obliged to offer support to women who have had traumatic births or a miserable newborn stage when I have that ahead of me and could very easily feel anxious about it. It’s too much of a burden to place on someone without explicitly asking them first if they’re happy for you to share your story.

It’s not about you, they’d say the same to anyone. Maybe ask how they’re coping?

It is about you - you’re allowed to put yourself first when you’re pregnant. You’re allowed to refuse to listen to someone telling you about a horrific experience if it’s making you upset and anxious about what’s ahead of you.

New mothers need support and if they have had a bad experience they should be able to share that with people who are willing to listen. But it’s totally unfair for them to insist on sharing their story with a pregnant woman who doesn’t want to hear it unless she has asked for it.

ConiferGate · 30/07/2020 16:21

you’re allowed to put yourself first when you’re pregnant

You’re allowed to put yourself first at anytime in life, including after you’re pregnant. Heaven knows parents’ identities (especially mums’) are crushed enough as it is after you have kids and everything they have ever done morphs into being “Conifer’s Mum”! My point is, if you remove the expectant mother from the situation, the person commenting would still be saying the same thing so they’re not simply doing it to bring down people who are pregnant. Just another perspective that’s all.

ConiferGate · 30/07/2020 16:28

I’d almost take it a step further and say the expectation of people who don’t have children on those who do to just get on with it, and that in some way it’s a failure to find things difficult (even more of a failure to talk about it), is even more damaging. Just as we are expected to work as if we don’t have kids, and raise kids as if we don’t work.

Zhampagne · 30/07/2020 16:57

It's really, really common for new mothers to feel almost angry that nobody told them what was in store. The problem is that no number of birth stories will prepare you for your own birth, and we no longer have a culture of women attending and supporting at each other's births. It's a shame that people can't share their experiences without being accused of either boastfulness or negativity. If you feel that these people are having a negative impact on you then it might be best to avoid them.

DreamJobWWYD · 30/07/2020 17:01

@Zhampagne I completely agree with you

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/07/2020 17:03

They don’t tell you half of it!!

GuineaWig · 30/07/2020 17:06

I would have preferred if I got some honest advice, as I found it so hard in the early days but no one ever told me how difficult it would /could be! I felt like I was the only one who found it hard and everyone else seemed to love every second. I tell people I found it hard, as I think people should be honest about their experiences.

eausolovely · 30/07/2020 17:08

Very interesting points thank you ladies for your input. I think I was more meaning the kind of things people tell you like "you will never sleep again" Or "I tore from front to back" "You will never be able to do the things you enjoy anymore" Rather than people having genuine stories to tell or sharing their experiences in an honest and open way. I am always happy to support people with their trauma whatever it was caused by so I don't think I explained that very well.

It's just man some people only have negative things to say to pregnant women and it's almost always from strangers or people you don't know very well. I'm pretty chilled about what's going to happen as the way I see it labour could go one of many ways and they're all just as valid so I'm not particularly anxious about it but I find myself having to almost like justify why on earth I would possibly want to put myself through it haha.

OP posts:
Mmmmycorona · 30/07/2020 17:12

Yes. I’m pregnant with my second and I get ‘oh it’s so much harder with a second’ ‘wait until you’ve got two’ etc. 🙄 well I’ve managed the one, I’ll manage the two thank you very much.

MichelleOR84 · 30/07/2020 17:15

@Zhampagne so true !! I was like wtf wtf wtf about the newborn stage. I had no clue what was in store and couldn’t understand how I didn’t know .

ConiferGate · 30/07/2020 17:23

@Mummycorona it’s like, totally simple now you know it all right Wink. All I can say is that very often, number 2 comes along to prove you wrong and throw up everything you didn’t know you didn’t know. Not always, but don’t be too sure!

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