Negativity from other parents?

[eausolovely]

Anyone else noticed that as soon as you are pregnant people love to tell you how awful their birth was or how you will never sleep again?!

People just seem to love scaring the shit out of you when you are expecting and seem to get a strange sense of enjoyment out of bringing you down. I was trying to get pregnant so I am really excited to have the baby but man some people are so negative!

When I spoke to my dad about it (he was a SAHD when me and my sister were little) he told me having kids was the best fun he ever had and it was like you had this new person to do all your favorite things with. Like it just made everything better.

I get that it isn't all sunshine and roses but jeez some people (my half sister especially) make out as if it was awful and that their kids are the most difficult things on the planet.

What's your thoughts? Did you get this when you were expecting?

I honestly think MN is the worst for this. Barely anyone seems to enjoy being a parent.

Yep I get this and it's shit. I mean I think the vast majority of women, pregnant or not, are aware that childbirth is painful and potentially horrific, that babies rarely sleep and yes obviously ones life will never be the same. I resent being told this as if I'm a naive child who hadn't given any thought to it before merrily getting pregnant. My SIL likes to ask me how I am. If I say I'm fine, she gleefully tells me I won't be soon, third trimester is AWFUL, etc. If I say I'm struggling she tells me if I think I feel shit now wait til the baby comes, THEN you'll know what tiredness is. I just don't get the apparent desire to make other women feel shit about being pregnant, and it's often totally unsolicited.

Some people are just awful negative unhappy people.

I had 3 kids under the age of four and loved it. Ok the sleepless nights were not fun but they don’t go on forever. Your dad is right when you have kids you have little people to do fun things with. Just cut yourself some slack things won’t be perfect but they will be as much fun as you make them. It is hard work but it was the best hard work I’ve ever done and now I am getting to do it again with my grandkids 🥰

I'm 23+5 - I've had some negativity (and lots of positivity too to be fair) but more along the lines of people telling me I'll never be able to run marathons again. Sentences that start with "Oh, well when you have a baby you'll have to..." - um, I think I'd like to figure things out myself, thanks.
I also just got some funny looks in Wickes car park whilst I was loading a bunch of garden sleepers into the car (they're only the 1.2m ones and when I'm not pregnant I climb and weight train a lot - I was literally grabbing them with one hand and chucking them in the car).
It frustrates me because people don't say the same things to my husband. Women, apparently, should know their place and suffer the misery ;-)

I just seem to get told loads of minging stories about various things... why do people feel it's ok to tell you really gross stuff!?

It is certainly the case that some people are just very negative, and it is a good policy in parenting and in life generally to distance yourself from those people as much as possible.

However, I think it's relevant that unless you know what to ask for and where to look, postnatal aftercare can be pretty shocking and there are many women with unresolved injury and trauma as a result. Away from MN, how many women know that you can request your notes and a meeting with a midwife to debrief your birth and understand why certain decisions were made about your care? We live in a society where it is easier to buy Tena Lady for yourself and a breathing monitor for your baby than it is to access treatment for postnatal incontinence or anxiety respectively. In this context it's no wonder that women want to discuss their experiences.

Yes!!! I have a 2 year old and am 32 weeks with my second. I thought long and hard about having my first baby, and though you can't fully prepare (cos everyone finds some things harder than others and you don't know what you might find hard until it happens), I was aware of the probability of sleepless nights, non-stop screaming and losing your identity so people feeling the need to "warn" me about it just annoyed me.

It does depend on who is doing the sharing though. Is the person telling you horror stories going to be there for you if the same happens to you? Are they telling you because they need support? If so, fine, rant/moan away. If (like my husband's SIL) they're telling you cos they want to seem superior and they're smug in their "mummy" knowledge then they can just go do one.

I'm so glad someone has made this thread as it's something I've been struggling with a lot too. I am pregnant with my first and it took us a while to conceive so I was over the moon when I found out but since then have not heard one good thing about having children! I am still excited to a certain extent but I feel like it has sucked all of the joy out of the most amazing thing to ever happen to me!
While I understand that women need to be made aware of the potential problems and struggles they may face and to know that it's okay if they do struggle, I feel it has gone way past providing any form of support and the more scared the expectant mother is, the more joy the storyteller seems to get out of it. Why can't the good things about it be shared along with the bad so that the expectant mother isn't made to feel like she will now live in a pit of misery for the rest of her life without any form of joy in sight?
I agree with @TheLastDynasty in that I feel we should have a choice. Especially when you may have issues with your mental health that the person telling you their horror stories may not know about, their unsolicited stories could have a real impact on you and then they just go about their day as if nothing happened while you could sit there for days or weeks with anxiety over what they have said. So you should have a choice to not be forced into that situation.
@bluesapphirestars I completely agree, it's really rare to see someone who actually enjoys being a parent on here and it's really upsetting!
@islandislandisland I feel the same, who on earth thinks that we got this far in life having absolutely no clue that childbirth hurts and that babies wake up a lot at night?! I thought that you just pushed your belly button and they appeared in a cot next to you and that they sleep every night for 10 hours and wake up after you've had your morning Weetabix 🤔
Yes first time mum's aren't going to understand the full extent of everything until they've been there but I don't think any of us are naïve enough to think everything will be sunshine and rainbows. And I don't think making women more terrified at a time that's already filled with the unknown is helpful.

The thing I hate is the condescending looks at me, or women who are mums looking at each other as if to say 'she doesn't have a clue, she'll soon see'. I've had really bad insomnia since the day I fell pregnant (hence posting here at this time in the morning!) and therefore have been shattered since January. I've given up on mentioning it to any mums who ask how my pregnancy is going because of the condescending looks, 'just wait until the baby's here', 'you think you're tired now' etc. etc. It's so unhelpful and dismissive. It's not like I don't know that I'll continue to have sleepless nights when the baby comes, but that doesn't invalidate the sleepless nights I'm already having now 🙄

Damned if you do damned if you dont on this one. It would be good if we could have a badge to wear saying dont tell me anything negative but then if I knew there was a bump in the road coming up why wouldn't I want to warn the person coming after me? I'm not a teller myself unless asked :) And agree for some its like working through ptsd, each time you talk about it you can make more sense of it, its just a whole new experience being a parent

I hated in pregnancy when people would say ‘get some sleep whilst you can’ like sleep is grain you can store for the winter! You can’t save up all your well rested nights for when the baby is born ffs!

FWIW some of parenting is amazing. Some is a bit shit. I’m mad enough to be doing it all again so it can’t be as terrible as people make out.

@RowboatsinDisguise haha yeah I always think this... if childbirth and life with a newborn is SO horrendous, why aren't most people only children? There must be something enjoyable about it 😆

This irritated me like mad. And still does.

My MIL said yesterday "It doesn't get any better im afraid". Fucking great. What am I supposed to do with that information?

I always make a point to say actually how awesome parenting is when someone is pregnant. It does change your life but not all change is bad. Im so proud of my babies and I find them amazing in every sense of the word.

My births were also great.

Scaring parents to be or those with imminent arrivals is awful, I think.it should be a happy time, not one filled with dread.

@plinkplink you must be nice to have around, reading your comment has made me realise not one person has said anything remotely positive to counteract their negativity, or even just in general about being a parent.

@islandislandisland

It's such an awful thing to say to people 🙈 seek out the positive people and do your best to ignore the negativity. Go online if you must to find them. They're there. There's a lovely thread (ill see if I can find it) about the wonderful things in parenting. It started with someone posting about how they could hear their kids giggling away upstairs whilst their DF chased them around the house before bathtime. Beautiful thread.

It's the most amazing experience I've ever had in my life. Yeah, there are moments where it is hard but you really can't appreciate the ups without the downs. It's a huge privilege to see my babies grow, to see them change daily and it makes my heart burst with love and pride. The positives outweigh the negatives in many ways.

Here it is:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2391040-I-can-hear-DH-upstairs-pretending-to-stomp-around-like-a-monster-and-the-kids-are-shrieking-with-joy