Feel like a failure overdue

[LottaBean]

I'm 40+4 with my first baby. The pregnancy has been pretty text book to be honest, I struggled at the beginning with a lot of sickness but by 15 weeks that was over. I'm extremely upset however about going past my due date, I had a sweep yesterday and sort of expected something to happen overnight but nothing has, I've not had a show, a twinge, a single period cramp nothing :( I've spent 4 days crying on and off and I just don't understand why my body won't do what its supposed to. The midwife at my sweep said baby is 3/5ths in my pelvis, my cervix is soft and open enough for her to do the sweep but reading my notes today it says I'm only 25% effaced which felt like a punch in the gut. I have a scheduled induction for next Wednesday (29th) but I really didn't want to be induced and considering how badly I am coping with this how alone I'm going to be in the hospital (my partner cant come in until I'm in active labour due to covid rules). I don't know what to do about this or who to talk to, I feel like im getting set up for PPD already with how upset I am about this. Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble on.

You need to relax. Stress inhibits labour. There's an interesting article doing the rounds at the moment about a distinct reduction in premature births during covid for similar reasons

The end of pregnancy is reeeeeally hard, isn't it? Loads of women go over their due date - it's nothing to do with what you've done - the baby decides when it's coming.

A sweep will only work if you were likely to give birth soon anyway.

Try some of the old wives' tales to get things moving - a long walk, pineapple, curry, sex (if you're feeling really brave!) I'm sure I read nipple twiddling is the only thing which has any effect.

Otherwise, be kind to yourself. Your baby will soon be here. I had an induction and it was fine - baby arrived 10 hours after the start and no interventions at all.

Honestly it’s perfectly not al to feel like this at your stage so please take heart. I’ve got 4 dc and have been overdue with all of them. I don’t know how I’d have coped with the COVID situation on top. It’s the unpredictability of labour that always gets me wound up, the feeling that I’m running a race against being induced and the feeling that I have no control over it. FWIW I have been induced twice. The first wasn’t great because I was young and I didn’t really feel able to advocate for myself, so I had an epidural and was flat on the bed with a baby that noone realised was back to back all the way through. My second induction was my 3rd dc and was totally different, as were all 3 of my other births tbh, I was much more relaxed and in control. But still an emotional mess waiting for something to happen. Do you have a birth ball? With dc4 I sat and bounced quite furiously on it a few hours before I went into labour with her, the day before I was due to be induced. I’d also really recommend reading Ina Mays guide tk childbirth. Very hippy dippy so not everyone’s cup of tea, but incredibly empowering.

I have gone way overdue with all 4 of mine and was induced I waited until 42+3 with DC2 and still nothing! I just have long pregnancies.

Baby will be here in the next 10 days. Up to 43 weeks is normal!

With the greatest of respect lovely, you need a grip. It’s not - your body- designed to go off bang on 40 weeks. My first was 40+6. Second 40 + 12. This one? Who knows. Get some rest. Relax. Enjoy the last few baby days!

Try and mentally accept that you’re not having a baby until at least the 29th if you can, this massively helped me! I stopped think that ‘today could be the day’, once he finally made his grand arrival, I honestly never have once thought about the fact he was overdue again! He was well worth the wait and I promise you’ll forget all of this once your baby arrives

@LottaBean I’m not being funny, but if you don’t want an induction then why have one booked for next week? Your baby is absolutely fine, no one has any worries (that you’ve mentioned), you just haven’t given birth yet! It honestly baffles me, too many people and too quick to opt for an induction without good reason. Your body knows what it’s doing - clearly, as you are already effacing and baby is engaging! It won’t be long, just be patient

Hi - you need happy hormones to get labour going so this isn't going to help.

It's funny with my first I was the opposite - convinced he would be late so was in total shock and panic when my waters did go.

So relax - it will happen!

Hey @LottaBean - 40+4 here too, it's a pain in the arse isn't it. But - and I'm trying to remind myself of this daily - 42 weeks is totally normal. Due date is a killer as it gives you this artificial milestone - your body is doing the right things. I went for a sweep 2 days ago and they couldn't do it as cervix wasn't favourable enough, but it'll happen when it happens.

Try and distract yourself and make every day a little bit different (really hard in the semi-lockdown we still have). Today I did the hoovering. That was different (usually it's DH's job). And I've got chocolate mousse for pudding tonight. These are the kind of things I'm clinging on to to get me though!!

Sending you a bumpy hug (where I can't quite reach you as my belly is too fucking giant).

At my birthing class I was told the average first time mum goes 10 days past their due date . No idea how true that is but it sounds pretty accurate. You are not a failure, I promise !!!!!

@TwinkleStars15 Its been booked by my midwife as they don't want me going more than 10 days past my due date, it was kind of presented as the sensible option so its not just me requesting it for then.

Trying to remain as patient as I can, none of the women in my family have gone overdue so I think I never expected to. Either way I know I'll have a baby in the next week or so just not how i wanted my labour to go I guess :(

@lottabean don't feel like a failure. If anything your body is doing a great job at keeping baby safe and warm, obviously not ready to come yet, but absolutely no failure on your part!
Try to make the most of this last week, sleep when you can, and just try to relax. Next week will be here before you know it! Good luck!

Babies do not come bang on 40 weeks. That’s why being given a due date can actually be quite unhelpful. Babies are ready to come anywhere from 37 right up until 42 weeks. Some babies are ready sooner than others and some take a little longer. Just trust that your baby is not ready to come yet and will let you know when they are ready - only the baby can decide when it’s ready to be born. Just relax and enjoy this time left to get some sleep and relax.

Also being induced isn't pleasent, but labour isn't! One thing I learnt is that it rarely goes to plan! But when it comes to it you will do all you can to get the baby out safely.

I don't think anyone's labour goes the way they wanted it to go! I wanted mine to be a calm, dark water birth where I would breathe the baby out. Turns out baby was too impatient for that - I nearly gave birth in the corridor outside the labour room!

Let go of having the 'right' labour. The only thing that's important is that you and the baby are ok at the end of it. You might breathe the baby out in a birthing pool, you might have an epidural and forceps, or you might have a Caesarian. They are all 'right' ways to bring your baby into the world. There's no medals in this game.

No one but you, your birthing partner and your midwife knows how you gave birth anyway!

I'm not sure if this will help or the opposite, but there's nothing wrong with you just because you've gone past your due date! Less than 50% of babies are born before their due date and only about 5 % are born on the day itself.

This is American I think but gives some idea..

datayze.com/labor-probability-calculator

you're not a failure at all! It's just the way it goes sometimes. I was 17 days late when I had my daughter. I actually started to feel like it was all an elaborate practical joke and nothing would ever happen!

Statistically most first time mums are at least 7 days overdue. I had my first at 40 +6. I know it's really hard being so heavily pregnant.

Do some walking. Have a bath. Rest! Tick things of your to do list. Batch cook. I promise baby will arrive one way or another.

Plus being so emotional probably means you are close! I was a wreck in the days leading up to my birth.

A failure? Why would you feel that way? You're not a failure at all.

Your body isn't meant to instantly give birth at 40 weeks! My first was 42 weeks, my body didn't "fail"

In the loveliest way, your labour hasn’t even happened yet so it can’t possibly have gone “not the way you planned it” yet, you may have the most perfect birth but just a little bit later than you hoped. I’m so glad I never put pressure on myself to have a baby before my due date, you need to relax and stop being so hard on yourself about something so out of your control, even if all the women in your family never went over their due date! Relax and enjoy the last few days of your own time😊

Your body isn’t failing. 40 weeks is only an estimated due date.

A full term pregnancy is 37-42 weeks. There’s no buzzer goes off at bang on 40 weeks, and nothing to say that 40 weeks is the ‘right’ time.

Why does your midwife not want you going over 10 days overdue? Were you given actual medical reasons?

Try asking for more info based on the framework ‘BRAIN’.
B - benefits - what are the benefits of induction at that point?
R - risks - what are the risks (particularly around risks of needing further interventions)
A - Alternatives - what are the alternatives? Could they offer increased monitoring for example?
I - instinct - what is your instinct telling you, this is your baby, your body and your birth.
N - Nothing. What if you do nothing? What if you don’t accept the induction? What if you put it off another day or week?

Get the answers and then make your decision about what you think is best. That way if it does come to being induced you’ll feel better knowing it’s something you’ve actively chosen and know that it actually is the best thing for you and the baby, rather than just doing it because you’ve been told you have to or it’s what they usually do or whatever.

I have actually accepted an induction for next week. Wasn’t what I wanted but I’ve got my head round it now. My husband is allowed to be with me for the induction so double check the rules at your place. Things are changing fast.

Try telling yourself that your baby will come when your baby is ready. Your body is designed to grow and birth this baby and it knows what to do. Right now you’re stressed and anxious - that’s not going to help you go into labour as your body will perceive there is a threat. So really work on pampering and relaxing as much as possible, anything and everything that makes you feel good! Whether it be favourite food, watching a comedy, bubble bath, massage, sex, listening to your favourite music.It’s the feel good hormone (oxytocin) that you need to start labour so try and get it flowing as much as possible. And just be kind to yourself, you’ve not failed at anything! You’ve done an amazing job growing your baby and you’re going to do brilliantly at this next bit too.

I think you’re being completely irrational, which is totally allowed at this stage of pregnancy 🤣

But you know that the due “date” is just an estimate, in the middle of a 5 week window when the baby is full term and could come at any point? The due date you’ve been given might well have been inaccurate anyway. In both my pregnancies I’ve been moved way ahead in early scans and both times the dates have meant that it would have been impossible to have conceived then as DH was out of the country! Lo and behold DS1 was “overdue” but I knew the date was wrong anyway. Expecting the same with this one tbh.

I was “12 days“ over in my first pregnancy and tried all the old wives tales to get things started. None of them worked and honestly I wish I’d just relaxed. Enjoy this time as your life is about to change forever!

It's an estimated due date, a rough idea of when baby will arrive, not a set in stone deadline, that's not how our bodies or nature works. Try to stop focusing so much on the date/how many (estimated) days over you are, lie around, go for walks if you like, watch some Netflix and get some sleep.