Lost my baby at 18 weeks

[KerryW87]

Hi,

I’m sorry if this isn’t the right forum, but I’m looking for anyone with a similar experience.

We found out we were expecting at the start of April after trying for 7 months. The past few months have been the happiest, most exciting times for not only myself and my partner but also my two boys (10 and 8).

I had a very light bleed on Thursday morning and because I’m Rhesus negative, the maternity unit asked me to come in for a checkup and the Anti-D injection. After being unable to find a heartbeat, I was scanned and they confirmed that my baby had sadly passed away.

In what felt like a blur, I was told about having to have labour induced, post-mortems, a service for the baby...while my partner and children were in the car waiting for me (not permitted to come in due to COVID). I felt as though my world had fallen apart, and what has always been a happy home has turned into one filled with complete heartbreak. My eldest son has been really affected by this, frantically asking about another baby, why this baby couldn’t be saved, if he can have their handprints, asking why they died...it breaks my heart to see him like this and my worry is that I have somehow caused it since we were well past the 12 week mark. I needed morphine to sleep last night since I can’t stop thinking about how I might have unknowingly killed my baby.

I know that everyone is different, and have read on the SANDS support pages that all women are different about how they cope and how they feel about trying again.

My feelings right now are a mix of complete grief and an overwhelming need to try again, to recover physically and get to a place where we can have that focus again and maybe one day have the happy ending that we all so badly wanted. I’ve spoken to some family these past two days and they think I’m crazy, or that I’m trying to just “replace” my wee baby, which has hurt me beyond belief. I can’t see a time where I will get over this feeling of loss and sadness, but the thought of always feeling this way terrifies me and I don’t know anyone who has been through this to ask how they are now.

Has anyone been through this? How did you feel and has anyone managed to get through it and be happy again and try again?

Thank you all so much xx

[Melbs6]

I haven’t been through this so I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I just wanted to comment to send love and to bump your post. You and your family will be ok, it’ll take time to grieve the loss of your baby and you’ll never forget them, but you will be ok again one day. And if you have another baby you’ll never be replacing the one you lost

[LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh]

I understand that it's quite natural to want to try again quickly and that there is an overwhelming desire to have a baby. It's not replacing them at all.

I'm sorry for your loss, what a horrible thing to happen but you're not to blame.

[footprintsintheslow]

I have been through the same thing back in October. Finding out at our 20 week scan that the baby had died around 17 weeks.

I'm happy to answer any questions either here or by direct messaging. If you direct message me let me know on this thread so I know to look on the laptop as I don't see any messages on my phone.

What I will say is time does heal. You are at the beginning of a long journey. You will never get over it but you will be able to function and even laugh and enjoy things again. But this will always be part of your life now.

Do you know how you will proceed? You don't need to make any decisions about post mortems or advices just yet. It can be overwhelming. If you want to know what we did I'm happy to share or if you just want to share your feeling I'm happy to listen.

In the meantime I found this book incredibly helpful and I still go back and read bits of it now and again. It's factual and science based and written by a wonderful female professor.

[KerryW87]

@footprintsintheslow Thank you so much for messaging back 💛

It’s so reassuring just to read from someone who has been through it that time does heal; you read it on advice sites etc. but it’s so hard to believe it at this point. I do want to feel better, particularly for the boys, I think maybe once I’ve managed labour and we’ve said goodbye I’ll be able to try and find ways that help.

A private message might be better, as long as that feels ok for you. Thank you very much, I’ll look into those books too. Thanks for your lovely message ❤️

[KerryW87]

@Melbs6 @LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh Thank you so much for your kind messages ❤️

[flashbac]

I went through this two years ago, routine 16 week midwife appointment found no heartbeat. I had to go into hospital to be induced. I held my girl in my hand and said goodbye. We took her home in a little shoe box. She was dressed in a tiny sleep suit knitted by some wonderful volunteer. we buried her where we wanted to.
I didn't know she was a girl then as there was still a nub but a test on the placenta later confirmed it. I could tell she didn't make it because the cord was so twisted and there was a stricture.
It hurt. I had secondary infertility. She was my miracle surprise baby. A sister for my only child.
You will get through this. Hug your DC more tightly. Try to book some time away to heal as a family. You'll get through this storm.

[flashbac]

*tell why she didn't make it

[footprintsintheslow]

@KerryW87 message me and as soon as I can get the toddler down for a nap I'll jump on the laptop. Ask anything you want, don't feel embarrassed

[CodenameVillanelle]

I had a similar story. Slight bleed at 18 weeks and after a scan found it was a MMC. I had a d&c. This was 14 years ago and I did get over it. I had another baby 2 years after (we waited intentionally, the first pg was unplanned and we weren't really ready) and now I feel really ok about it all. It took a while to feel ok but not as long as I feared when I was going through it.

[HenrysHome]

I’m so sorry to hear of everyone’s losses We found out that our first baby had died at our 20 week scan in November. It took until February for the post mortem to be finished so we could hold a his memorial service and until March for Us to receive the results to show that he had a rare growth syndrome. It has been hell, especially as I was only able to have one session of counselling before coronavirus shut everything down.

I felt an overwhelming need to be pregnant again and fell early Feb (I actually found out the day of his memorial service which was a whole can of emotions!) I thought that being pregnant again would help with the healing process, which it partially has but I have been an anxious mess throughout and it’s definitely brought back lots of emotions around the loss which I haven’t processed properly. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, please pm me if you like sending you all the love in the world x

[Mischance]

I am so sorry for this loss. My DD went through all this a few years ago and it was very hard to find the right ways or words to support her.

I think that you should put out of your mind the thought that you might "have unknowingly killed" your baby. This just heaps more distress onto an already sad situation - and there really is no reason for you to think this. Sadly, it is just something that happens sometimes.....no-one's fault.

Take care.

[footprintsintheslow]

@HenrysHome you might not be interested but here's a wonderfully supportive thread for people pregnant after losses:
New people joining all the time. X

Pregnant after Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 5 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3969763-pregnant-after-loss-and-dreaming-of-rainbows-5

[HenrysHome]

Thank you @footprintsintheslow, I’ve been tentatively dipping in and out of that thread but not brave enough to join yet! x

[KerryW87]

@flashbac Oh, I'm so sorry to read about your loss :( Thank you so much for messaging me. I'm also going to have tests on the placenta, although think I might decide against a post mortem (midwife has advised me that they take quite a bit longer now due to COVID). Its a comfort to know perhaps tests on me or placenta might give some answers.

I'm so sorry to hear about your infertility afterwards, as if things haven't been difficult enough. Sending you love and thank you again for sharing, it has helped me to read about similar experiences ❤️

[KerryW87]

@HenrysHome

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss too...that sounds so awful to have had to wait so long for an answer and then have counselling shut down :( Also, congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️❤️ That really gives me hope.

I feel bad I haven't had a chance to reply until now when you and others have been so kind to comment on this and offer support - I was asked to come into hospital early due to more bleeding and cramps so I'm just now getting a chance to see these.

I'm torn between wanting to make sure I process everything properly but also can't ignore the overwhelming need to try again, and my partner feels the same. It sounds as though we have been similar in thoughts and feelings and your message has really helped. Thank you so much and sending you love too :)

[flashbac]

Try not to put any pressure on yourself. Take each day as it comes.

[Isadora2007]

I’m so sorry for your loss. And for your children and partner too. SANDS can support all of you- including the children. Let your children grieve as they feel right and perhaps when you can have a little ceremony or something to mark the loss and the life of your little one they could choose readings or draw pictures or something to be involved. Much love to you. 💕

[footprintsintheslow]

We tried to conceive straight away too. I needed that. You do whatever feels right for you.

I have inboxed you in case you want to know anything. I hope things go smoothly for you in hospital.

[KerryW87]

@Isadora2007 Thank you so much ❤️ I've heard so many good things about SANDS and the midwife gave me a leaflet of theirs. It's a comfort to know there's help if I find things really difficult afterwards. I'm in a separate room in the labour ward now; it's soundproof so I won't need to hear normal sounds from the ward which is thoughtful. Hoping to be able to sleep before tomorrow. I'm so scared about delivering them, but I know it has to happen. Thank you for your message xx

[lockdownpregnancy]

OP I have not been through this but I couldn't just read and run as my heart has broke for you reading this.
I hope everything goes as well as it can when the time comes and I truly hope that you and your family can begin to move forward when you are all ready. Big hugs ❤️❤️❤️

[KerryW87]

@footprintsintheslow It's so nice to hear you tried straight away too, I felt like no one would understand how I feel until I posted this, thank you ❤️

Also, I sent you a reply last night to your inbox, thank you xx

[SandysMam]

Morning OP, just jumping on to say thinking of you today. Soon you will be home in your own bed. You sound like an extremely brave lady and you are doing your little one proud

[newmumtobe66]

I am so sorry for your loss. Where I haven’t experienced this myself, I feel so sad for you and I send you all my best wishes! :(

[HenrysHome]

Just a quick thought about SANDS @KerryW87, although I found the forum very comforting in the early days after the loss knowing that I wasn’t alone in what had happened to us, I feel like my time there has contributed to a lot of the anxiety I feel around this pregnancy. It’s difficult to explain but seeing how common late losses actually are and hearing all the heartbreaking stories around how different women lost their babies has just fed into my anxiety cycle - just a thought for you but obviously you process these feelings in which ever way you need, there’s no correct way to grieve.

Re trying for another baby, obviously I feel very grateful to have caught again so quickly and it’s been a blessing but it definitely hasn’t been the be all and end all of healing that I hoped. Things were very hard when I hit 20 weeks (the same time I lost the first baby), especially as I had to have the scan alone, so with Covid this might be something to think about. In fact, all scans are now very painful and bring up lots of sadness and anxiety (I’ve had lots due to a Hematoma during weeks 5-16). I’m a person of faith and I think without this faith to lean on I would have found the last few months more than I could bare.

Of course, there is lots of positive emotion and energy around this pregnancy too, So that brings its own comfort. Whatever you decide to do moving forward will be the right choice for your family. Sending lots of hugs xx

[footprintsintheslow]

@KerryW87 I have messaged back. X