I’m sorry if this isn’t the right forum, but I’m looking for anyone with a similar experience.
We found out we were expecting at the start of April after trying for 7 months. The past few months have been the happiest, most exciting times for not only myself and my partner but also my two boys (10 and 8).
I had a very light bleed on Thursday morning and because I’m Rhesus negative, the maternity unit asked me to come in for a checkup and the Anti-D injection. After being unable to find a heartbeat, I was scanned and they confirmed that my baby had sadly passed away.
In what felt like a blur, I was told about having to have labour induced, post-mortems, a service for the baby...while my partner and children were in the car waiting for me (not permitted to come in due to COVID). I felt as though my world had fallen apart, and what has always been a happy home has turned into one filled with complete heartbreak. My eldest son has been really affected by this, frantically asking about another baby, why this baby couldn’t be saved, if he can have their handprints, asking why they died...it breaks my heart to see him like this and my worry is that I have somehow caused it since we were well past the 12 week mark. I needed morphine to sleep last night since I can’t stop thinking about how I might have unknowingly killed my baby.
I know that everyone is different, and have read on the SANDS support pages that all women are different about how they cope and how they feel about trying again.
My feelings right now are a mix of complete grief and an overwhelming need to try again, to recover physically and get to a place where we can have that focus again and maybe one day have the happy ending that we all so badly wanted. I’ve spoken to some family these past two days and they think I’m crazy, or that I’m trying to just “replace” my wee baby, which has hurt me beyond belief. I can’t see a time where I will get over this feeling of loss and sadness, but the thought of always feeling this way terrifies me and I don’t know anyone who has been through this to ask how they are now.
Has anyone been through this? How did you feel and has anyone managed to get through it and be happy again and try again?
Thank you all so much xx
Lost my baby at 18 weeks
KerryW87 · 18/07/2020 08:46
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