Lost my baby at 18 weeks

[KerryW87]

Hi,

I’m sorry if this isn’t the right forum, but I’m looking for anyone with a similar experience.

We found out we were expecting at the start of April after trying for 7 months. The past few months have been the happiest, most exciting times for not only myself and my partner but also my two boys (10 and 8).

I had a very light bleed on Thursday morning and because I’m Rhesus negative, the maternity unit asked me to come in for a checkup and the Anti-D injection. After being unable to find a heartbeat, I was scanned and they confirmed that my baby had sadly passed away.

In what felt like a blur, I was told about having to have labour induced, post-mortems, a service for the baby...while my partner and children were in the car waiting for me (not permitted to come in due to COVID). I felt as though my world had fallen apart, and what has always been a happy home has turned into one filled with complete heartbreak. My eldest son has been really affected by this, frantically asking about another baby, why this baby couldn’t be saved, if he can have their handprints, asking why they died...it breaks my heart to see him like this and my worry is that I have somehow caused it since we were well past the 12 week mark. I needed morphine to sleep last night since I can’t stop thinking about how I might have unknowingly killed my baby.

I know that everyone is different, and have read on the SANDS support pages that all women are different about how they cope and how they feel about trying again.

My feelings right now are a mix of complete grief and an overwhelming need to try again, to recover physically and get to a place where we can have that focus again and maybe one day have the happy ending that we all so badly wanted. I’ve spoken to some family these past two days and they think I’m crazy, or that I’m trying to just “replace” my wee baby, which has hurt me beyond belief. I can’t see a time where I will get over this feeling of loss and sadness, but the thought of always feeling this way terrifies me and I don’t know anyone who has been through this to ask how they are now.

Has anyone been through this? How did you feel and has anyone managed to get through it and be happy again and try again?

Thank you all so much xx

Thank you so much everyone who has taken the time to reply to this or send me a message. It got me and my partner through a difficult night in hospital last night before labour this morning and we appreciate it ❤️

After a 2 hour labour, I gave birth to my beautiful, peaceful wee boy. It was painful and I lost a litre of blood which was worrying but after being so afraid of labour, I felt so completely privileged to bring our wee boy into the world the same way I brought his brothers in too.

The midwives were incredibly thoughtful and helped us throughout the whole process - explaining everything, having our wee boy dressed and wrapped in a blanket we bought before we met him, giving us a beautiful memory box and really being there for us.

This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have ever and hopefully will ever experience. The loss of a child is something I could never even comprehend before this weekend, but there's also some happiness. Our wee boy was such a gift to us; he gave us joy and excitement during lockdown, he has brought my partner and I even closer together and meeting him today was something Ill carry with me forever.

Thank you so much to everyone who has messaged and offered support. I hope one day to have a baby again and keep them safe and well for the whole 40 weeks, but for now I just need to try and appreciate the time we did have with our baby, and learn to go on and be happy for my other two boys. Thank you ❤️

@KerryW87 what a relief to be through the labour. I'm so glad you were looked after. Be kind to yourself going forward and expect every type of emotion, they are all valid. X

I hope you don’t mind me saying but happy birthday to your beautiful son. He was real and part of your family and will remain so forever. Wishing you so much strength for the future