Would you have complained too?

[Ducky1900]

I had my dating scan today.
I had to attend alone due to covid, which I fine, I got over my anxiety and got to the scan.
When the sonographer was explaining the tests, she said 'ill just make sure baby is alive first'.
I was horrified. The screen in front of me was on from the start, so if the baby wasn't alive, I would have seen.
Carried on with the scan, baby is all OK.

I had to hang around for bloods and a consultant review and the comment was really playing on my mind.
I'm very fortunate never to have had a loss, but imagine saying that to someone who has, at a vulnerable time in pregnancy, especially when we are alone due to covid.

I did in the end ask to have a chat with a senior midwife about the comment. I'm a nurse myself and know the importance of wording things to patients.
Now I'm thinking I over reacted... Did I?
Would you have complained too?
I'm fortunate to

I probably wouldn’t have complained - I’d rather people give it to me straight. But, can see that some people would find that distressing so good on you. Hopefully you have saved another woman from being upset by similar comments.

I would have said something and just asked that someone speak with the sonographer and ask to adapt a little more tact with the patients!
I would have been horrified if she would have said that to me!

I had the opposite reaction. My first pregnancy didn't make tons far as the dating scan. With my 2and and 3rd (both healthy) I hated that they talked me through what was going to happen by saying things like, "First we will check there's mist one baby and then take measurements". etc etc

What I wanted to shout was "No, you won't first be checking if it's twins or the head circumference. You'll first be checking there is a heartbeat at all and please stop pretending everything is totally ok when we don't know that this baby is even alive".

I didnt say anything, I just nodded. But you will never please everyone. I would have found what you were told comforting in its realism. Much more so than what I did get told.

Bit of a thoughtless comment. Would be good for the sonographer to know it wasn’t an appropriate thing to say. Hopefully your comment will get fed back, and they’ll consider their words more next time.
Don’t let it tarnish your scan experience x

The sonographer is probably just explaining what she is doing instead of making a comment and I'd imagine if someone has suffered loss before this will be what they wanted to know most. I wouldn't have complained.

I 10000% would have complained. Theres a thing called BEDSIDE MANNER. We wouldn't take it likely if it was our 2 year old child in critical care. So why with an unborn child.

I remember being very reassured the moment I saw a heartbeat each time - it really is the most important thing.

I think it could Have been worded differently.
We all know that they are checking the baby is alive, I think saying 'ill check the baby is OK first' is nicer than pretty much saying 'let's make sure it's not dead first'

I've actually encountered a lot of insensitivity from midwives and sonographers during the course of my pregnancy.

I lost my last pregnancy at 19 weeks and got pregnant again within a few months so the anxiety and pain from my loss was still very raw. At my 12 week scan, I had brought a wee sample as we were told to and the midwife who took it from me said 'oh, you've obviously done this before' to which I just nodded. She then proceeded to ask me how old my other little one was. Cue a very uncomfortable conversation about having lost the baby. In fairness to her, she apologised profusely. I appreciate that a loss at my stage isn't that common but pregnancy loss in general is very common and it's something you'd think midwives and sonographers especially would be sensitive to. Something similar happened at a later appointment I had which prompted the senior midwife to put a sticker on my notes at the front which would alert anyone picking up the file that I'd had a late loss.

So I personally think that you were right to complain, there's a lot of insensitivity and people who should know better, clearly not thinking before they speak to people. In many cases, the women they speak to maybe haven't experienced a loss and don't appreciate that certain things can be distressing for those who have.

We wouldn't take it likely if it was our 2 year old child in critical care. So why with an unborn child.

Because it literally is the first thing they are checking for. And it doesn't serve anyone well to have the very real possibility of a missed miscarriage swept under the carpet.

I don't think there is anything to complain about.

I think it's all in the phrasing. Nothing wrong with being realistic and saying that's the first step but a lot more tact could have been used. I would probably have said something.

Mine was perfect: went in and the main screen was off, she asked 'first thing I'm going to do is check that there is a heartbeat, would you like me to leave the screen off till I've done that?'. 5 stars in my book.

I would have been horrified and yes would have definitely complained.
She definitely could have worded it better, it's basically starting the scan on a negative when your anxiety is already sky high. You did the right thing!

You were right to say something, there's ways and means. I find it quite clinical/inappropriate language to use at a point where most people are nervous anyway.

Wording and semantics matter. When I had a miscarriage the doctor in A&E told me I was having a spontaneous abortion. I know this is the correct medical terminology but those words have always haunted me and I wish I had said something at the time but I was too upset.

@Ducky1900 I think you did the right thing to talk to someone about it, you could have saved someone like me a lot of heartache

I think I would have been very upset by that comment too, you’ve done the right thing for you speaking to someone.
It’s more how it was worded rather than the message, she could have said ‘I’ll check for the heartbeat first’ or ‘just checking to see how baby is doing first’ anything alone those lines might have had it feel very different for you. In each of my scans so far - currently 24+5 - they have shown me the heartbeat first saying ‘there’s baby’s heartbeat, can you see?’ Which does feel reassuring

I had an ectopic pregnancy, which thankfully was able to be managed without surgery, just medication and quite intensive monitoring of hormone levels and scans. At one of the appointments the nurse, who was genuinely lovely and kind made a comment about how "there had never REALLY been a baby there". I am certain she was trying to be kind to me, but the problem was that the baby existed in my mind... I fed back at a later appointment with my consultant that it was probably not a good phrase to use, and asked that my view be shared with the nurse, but I was clear that I wasn't complaining. It's hard to know what to say, and you'll never hit the spot for everyone, but some things are never likely to be that helpful...

Well it's what I would be thinking going into a scan anyway so her voicing it would be neither here nor there to me. BUT I'd have thought it slightly unusual that she would be so blunt and I would wonder how she handles it when something is wrong so you highlighting and complaining about her lack of sensitivity may make her more careful about how she treats other women who may get less positive news. You did the right thing.

@loppychoppy good for you. My SIL had an ectopic and the dr told her post op that the heart was still beating when they removed it. These idiots need telling.

I personally wouldn't have been bothered by it because everyone in the room knows whats going to happen and I remember much of what the healthcare professionals say anyway. That's my personality and I understand not everyone is the same. If it distressed you then that's fair enough to complain.

'I don't remember'

I think it was fair enough to complain. It wasn’t a very sensitive thing to say. That may well be what she’s doing but something to the effect of ‘just give me a moment to concentrate and do my checks and then I’ll turn the screen to you’ would probably have been more professional. That’s what the sonographers have said to me - we all know what’s going on but talking in terms of alive or dead is too sensitive in my opinion. Scans are nerve-wrecking enough without people discarding diplomacy and then speaking so directly IMO.

@DappledThings are you a sonographer (or similar)? How would you have worded it?

I would definitely have complained - yes that's the first thing that's checked, but if anything is wrong the news needs to be delivered sensitively, and it's pretty hard to do that when the screen's in full view and they've gone in all gung ho like that. Terrible way to deal with a patient.

Yes I would have complained. I appreciate that’s the first thing they are doing during the scan but there’s a certain tack involved. Appropriate wording is key!

I’m not sure I would have complained as such I think it does need to be said as that’s what we are doing but it is a particularly blunt/clumsy way of putting it. I think a bit of constructive criticism is always a good idea though, we all need to learn and improve

Personally I always begin by saying ‘first I’m going to check that baby’s heart is beating and all is well with baby’