Unsure whether to continue pregnancy

[MisstheSea86]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting but have found MumsNet very helpful these past few days so thought I would give it a go!
A few days ago my boyfriend and I found out we were about 5 weeks pregnant. It was a shock to say the least, although we have been quite slack on the contraception front since my pill ran out so I'm not really sure what we thought would happen!
I'm 34 and he's 33, we're very much in love and I see him being my forever person. Bit of back story, we used to go out 12 years ago and actually had an abortion that time around.
It was so easy then and I was completely 100% on my decision, we were 22 & 23 and NOT in any position to have a child (He'd moved to London, I was still at home etc). This time however it's not so straight forward, we've been back together for a year and a half and having a lovely time, however neither of us are 'ready for a baby'. We don't live together, and just felt terrified when that positive result came through. We have discussed that we both want children in the future with each other, just not right now. We are both still trying to establish our careers etc and want a bit more time to enjoy each other / our life together.
I appreciate we are in an extremely lucky position to even be able to make this choice and that's not lost on me, I just worry about terminating then regretting it, even though the thought of keeping it isn't filing me with joy or excitement.
I would be interested to know if anyone has been in a similar position? Any feedback is greatly received - Thank you! x

I've never been in your situation, quite the opposite really however I would say if you are planning on having children then I wouldn't have a termination right now. You are 34 when exactly do you plan on starting a family? I had 5 miscarriages 2 ruptured ectopics and was completely infertile by the time i was 36 due to losing both tubes. You could bitterly regret this decision.

As for a career unless you've started a career late in life how long do you realistically think it will take to establish? Because if you've been working since age 22 or straight out of uni then you've had over 10 years to do that - so are you using your job to justify the termination?
No one ever had "good employee" on their headstone.

There was a thread recently where the woman ended up leaving her partner because two terminations (which he had pushed the agenda of really) had huge repercussions on her fertility and they were facing the long journey of IVF and she couldn't forgive him. Ask yourself will that be you?

If you have a termination you really need to sort contraception out but you don't need people on MN to tell you that.

Oh bless you. I dont have a similar experience to you however my baby is now 17 weeks old. Me and my husband were actively trying for a baby for two years before falling pregnant. We kind of got it in to our heads that we would never get there anyway we did and here he is. When I first found out I was expecting it was a bit of an anti climax. I expected to be like what you see on telly. Loads of crying etc. Not for us
We were not even gob smacked. We kind of was like oh. It was the same in labour. I didnt cry and feel instant love and that is normal too...anyway I had the roughest pregnancy ever known to man and contemplated a termination but my baby is here and turned our life upside down but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Only you can decide what you do and I'm sure you will make the right decision. Personally I dont think there is ever a good time to have a baby. We were that convinced we wouldnr conceive we ended up getting a brand new car and got a loan for the garden. Never mind.

Good luck in what you decide.

I haven't been in your position but you really do have to make your own minds up.

You have about eight months before the baby arrives unless it's early and you can spend most of carrying on as normal building up your career (I worked until ten days before my baby was born); then have maternity leave and your partner can presumably have some paternity leave. Your career will be on hold, not abandoned. Think about one of you moving in with the other, bit by bit, part time at first, and eventually getting a bigger place. Plenty of people start out like that.

The above is just a suggestion for if you decide to proceed with the pregnancy and the decision is yours. However having a first baby at thirty four/five is not unreasonable. You're grown up people.

Many have unplanned babies and end up being delighted.

Good luck.

What age did you have in mind to have a baby? & How many years away is that?

At 34, you’re heading towards the well known fertility decline - I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s a sad biological fact we all have to face. Many many women have babies now in their late 30’s/early 40’s, but there is a steady increase in health risk to you and the baby.

Also, how many children do you have in your mind’s eye? How old would you like them to be when you’re 50,60,70...?

I don’t mean to push you either way, it is 100% your choice. Just a little food for thought x

PS: What's with the 'we are pregnant'? You are pregnant, boyfriend is not pregnant nor could ever be. He will be a father though.

Good post, Gerdticker.

Hi op, sorry to hear that you are having a dilemma. I think the question is whether you do really truly want children? Because as other posters have suggested, you've had time to establish your career already, are you making excuses? You don't have to have kids and you don't need an excuse if it's not for you.

Hi OP difficult one, only you can really decide I'm kinda with the other pp if you wait another 5-10 years "when your ready" you may not get the choice to be ready. Also abit slap dash with the contraception if it's happened twice now the first time surely would show you it can happen to any of us 😬 I'm not fully against abortions for the right reasons just feel it isn't a contraception choice. You have to weigh up your pros and cons write it down then work it out. Baby's bring joy regardless there's no right or wrong age although the older you get the harder it gets

I agree with what others have said. You're 34, in a happy relationship, and know you want children at some point - sorry to be blunt but you have very few 'good' childbearing years left (your best are already behind you). How much longer were you planning on leaving it?

You're very lucky (in a way) to have fallen pregnant so easily at your age, but it's unlikely to happen as easily in a few years time. Not to mention your pregnancy will be higher risk with a higher chance of genetic conditions, higher chance of miscarriage/stillbirth etc. etc. I'm really worried you would live to regret it if you terminate this pregnancy and struggle to start your family later down the line.

Only you can decide if you want to continue the pregnancy but you are not 23 any more and if you are sure that you want to have children one day then your age is a factor. You are 34 and in a loving committed relationship. We can't tell you what to do but you do need to consider what exactly would need to be different in your life to make you feel ready for a baby.

I’d personally have the baby if I was in your shoes.
Good luck no matter what you decide. Take care xx

If you want children at some point then given your age I would personally continue with the pregnancy. Obviously your decision and there’s no right or wrong answer but it’s worth considering how you might feel if you terminate now then decide you’re ready in a few years time and can’t easily conceive as you’ve left it too late.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Completely supportive of whatever decision you take, OP.
However, if you want our own experiences? I'm in early 30's and thought I could still make it a few years before I had children (to develop my career). Then I suddenly began to have issues with periods which made me massively re-evaluate my choices, and chances for getting PG.
A close friend had a long and very painful fertility/ivf journey, and begged me to start trying sooner rather than later. I eventually took her advice and it still took several (very anxious) months to conceive. My PG feels like a blessing now.

Sending love!

ps. Oh, and also, the friend I'm referring to has developed and maintained a very successful career since her PG

There's never a right time to have a baby... so a surprise baby chooses the time for you.

That's what somebody told me when I fell pregnant with a surprise baby a couple years sooner than we were "planning". It really resonated with me, and we now have a five month old, and it feels like completely the right time

Have a look at the conception board on here OP. When you decide that you are ready it might be too late. Fertility is a declining commodity.

Hi, I wouldn’t say my position is completely similar but I’d share my own story in case you find it helpful...
Our wedding had to be cancelled a week before it was due to take place due to coronavirus. Before this we had discussed wanting to try to have a baby right away and had been a bit lax with contraception during March because it was so close to the wedding. When the wedding was cancelled we agreed to wait until our rescheduled wedding went ahead next year before trying again. A week later I found out I was pregnant and my initial thought was “oh shit this wasn’t the plan”. Like you I’m also trying to establish myself in my career and had been working towards a promotion, however since my job entails working with the public and becoming pregnant placed me in the vulnerable category I have now been off since April and potentially may not return until after maternity, at which point I can then start working towards my promotion again but it will not happen before having the baby as I’d originally planned.
However whilst it might not be the timing I had originally laid out in my head I am delighted to be pregnant! I sadly had a miscarriage in 2018 after we’d been trying for 6 months and we then tried again for another 8 months before we decided to pause while we planned the wedding and a part of me honestly believed it would never happen for us.

It’s got to be 100% your choice what to do, I’d recommend discussing with your Dr if you feel comfortable to do that, but I honestly think sometimes there is no right time to have a baby, both my sister and one of my closest friends had surprise babies and both went from being terrified that they weren’t in the right place financially or within their relationships to being completely overjoyed with their little family.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You both want time to enjoy each other, your life together and try to establish your careers?
Love, you're hardly a spring chicken at 34. You may find it very difficult to conceive later on and your pregnancy may be fraught with risk due to your age.
What job do you hold and how long will it take you to feel established in it? Because you may not have that long left in terms of childbearing years.

I don't think anyone is ever entirely ready tbh, and there will never be a great point in your career to have a baby. But it's just a pause, not a career breakdown.

At 34, if I was certain about the father I'd have the baby tbh. I started ttc at 32 and had x4 mcs and didn't have a child until I was 34. It's not always as easy as you'd imagine.

Presumably you combined households for the lockdown if you’ve managed to get pregnant in the last two months. How did it go? Could it become permanent?

Hi!! I dont know if this will help but I was sort of in the same situation. Have been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years, im almost 28 and he will be 33 in December. I've always thought I wanted children but we have such a great social life, we are on holidays 5 times a year, go out for meals and drinks etc. We are selfish and like it that way! I have applied for the open university to do teaching and my boyfriend is a police officer. I always thought I'd be married, have my proper job and live in a house as opposed to a flat by the time we had a baby. However, after ONE TIME of no contraception, I found myself pregnant at the end of april. My first instinct was to get rid of it. Totally unexpected, a surprise and not ready. However, it was actually my boyfriend who made me see that at our age, if we waited say 5 years, I'd be 33 and him 38. It may not happen then! I focused on the positives, we both have full time jobs, we have a bought flat in a good area and two sets of parents who are retired and willing to help with childcare. Dont get me wrong, the last couple of months has been a roller-coaster and whilst I don't feel ecstatic I definitely feel that I made the right decision. Your career can wait, but your fertility may not! A baby will make you more determined to succeed in whatever you do, and if you've known your partner all this time then surely that's a big bonus aswell. As others have said, there is no right time and a surprise baby chooses the time for you. Friends of mine have said they feel this was the best way for us, as we may have always put it off! However, having said all this, it's your decision and yours only, and if you decide to not go through with it if you have supportive friends and family then you'll get through it. And there are options for fertility treatment should you need it! Good luck and sending you love x

I'd have to agree with the PPs and urge you to consider your age, given the (grossly unfair) reality that fertility rapidly declines in your late 30s. You've been hugely fortunate to have fallen pregnant easily twice, but in several years, when you eventually 'feel' ready, you may find you're not so lucky and regret not being able to turn back the clock. Especially as you sound happy and settled with your DP :)

P.S. - not sure anyone is ever truly ready but you certainly don't hear of many people saying it's not the best thing that ever happened to them! You'll work your career out and the times with your DP will change, but your life certainly won't be over!

You hear people say they regret terminating a pregnancy/not trying for a baby sooner but you almost never hear anyone say they wish they hadn't given birth to their child. There really isn't a 'right time' to start a family, but if there is then it's in your mid 30s in a loving relationship...

It is, as is proper, absolutely your decision what you do. I would say, though, that if you and your partner do genuinely want to have children at some point, then now is probably no worse a time than any other.

To give a personal example of the fertility issues others have raised, I started trying to conceive in my late 30s, and ended up needing 5 cycles of IVF, ultimately with donor eggs, and spending about £40k in order to actually get to the point of having a baby (at 43). And to be honest, I still didn't feel ready!

Hey OP,
I was in a situation not hugely dissimilar to yours. I'm 30 and fell pregnant in March completely unexpectedly, I have recently been promoted to manager of a restaurant, a job I've been working towards for 5 years. My first reaction was blind panic and a lot of crying, I live in the Algarve and good money and jobs are mainly at night time as it's tourist central. The thought of giving up my career and lovely restaurant filled me with dread. However I also had to take into consideration my age, and also that in 3 years I'd be in the same position.
If you are really dreading the thought of the baby then you have your answer, however depending on your job, babies don't mean giving it up just a break. Take some time and think realistically about your situation... at 34 you (unfairly) don't have many years of child bearing years left. If you really want kids, 34 is not a bad age to do it! Think how you would feel if it didn't happen for you in a few years?
Good luck with whatever decision you make, just don't rush into it

This is a hard one op - and perhaps inevitably on a board like this where many people have struggled with fertility (myself included!) and/or have kids you’re probably not going to get a very balanced set of answers. As an intelligent informed human, I am assuming you know that waiting a couple of years may have a significant impact on your fertility (or it may not - it’s an unknown). Only you can balance that against what you may gain by waiting - in your career, living situation or anything else. I work in an industry where most people take all their 20s just to qualify - so in fact, there IS still a lot of work to do in your 30s to establish yourself! I’m now expecting my first at 30, and tbh in an ideal world I may have waited, but I have known fertility issues so for me the risk of waiting wasn’t worth it. For you it might be - and that’s ok too. Good luck whatever you decide.