Unsure whether to continue pregnancy

[MisstheSea86]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting but have found MumsNet very helpful these past few days so thought I would give it a go!
A few days ago my boyfriend and I found out we were about 5 weeks pregnant. It was a shock to say the least, although we have been quite slack on the contraception front since my pill ran out so I'm not really sure what we thought would happen!
I'm 34 and he's 33, we're very much in love and I see him being my forever person. Bit of back story, we used to go out 12 years ago and actually had an abortion that time around.
It was so easy then and I was completely 100% on my decision, we were 22 & 23 and NOT in any position to have a child (He'd moved to London, I was still at home etc). This time however it's not so straight forward, we've been back together for a year and a half and having a lovely time, however neither of us are 'ready for a baby'. We don't live together, and just felt terrified when that positive result came through. We have discussed that we both want children in the future with each other, just not right now. We are both still trying to establish our careers etc and want a bit more time to enjoy each other / our life together.
I appreciate we are in an extremely lucky position to even be able to make this choice and that's not lost on me, I just worry about terminating then regretting it, even though the thought of keeping it isn't filing me with joy or excitement.
I would be interested to know if anyone has been in a similar position? Any feedback is greatly received - Thank you! x

Hi,

Just to go against the grain, i was in a similar position to yourself, i was with my current partner for years and although knew he was the one, that we wanted kids, we were in a precarious situation financially that was impacting on our relationship, i had the mirena! And found i was pregnant! I decided to have a termination as i felt a pregnancy may break our relationship, put pressure on us on top of the pressure we already felt, plus i had jusy been offered the chance to do a course through work that would have got me a significant payrise and promotion to a role ive always dreamed of. That was 18 months ago, now im sat here and in 2 months our baby will be born! I dont have a second of regret, although my termination came around and i got pregnant a year later, our circumstances and relationship were so much better, and i feel this will give our baby the best possible start in life. Im also in my 30s, but to me i weighed up the possibility of never having kids, with having this one and feeling like i couldnt properly provide the best start in life, and made the best decision for my situation. Its important you consider the possibility that, due to any number of factors your age being one, if you have a termination that may be your ‘last chance’ at having a child - but thats always a risk. But to bring a child into the world if you arent sure if you want it, thats never a good idea and theres no judgement or harm in waiting until your situation is right for you both

I have a friend who had two abortions and it's affected her fertility. She now needs IVF. This could be you in the future. (Although I hope not!)

Also,

It would be morally wrong to have an abortion in your case. (not talking about others) You need to take responsibility for your actions. When is anyone ever ready for a child. My child was planned but I didn't realise how life changing it would be. She is 4.5years old now and it was all worth it. It doesn't have to be a change for the "worse" It just takes more planning & motivation going forward.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

It’s up to you. But realistically when will you be ready for children? And how many do you want? And how much of a sadness would it be for you if you couldn’t have as many as you want (or any)?

There is no such thing as a perfect time to have a baby. I know this because I planned my babies pretty much down to the millisecond and I still had the odd yearning for “one more holiday” or “one more posh night out”.

Another one here for never the ‘right time’.

I am on a career path also but instead of taking the full hit, I shared that burden with my partner - funnily enough it was seen as being ‘progressive‘ for his job!

Also not to scare you but nothing is ever certain, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, then a pregnancy I had to terminate due to chromosome abnormalities (I am 34).

Honestly it’s up to you, but l would have a really long look at all the possibilities.

💐

@bluemoon2468

You hear people say they regret terminating a pregnancy/not trying for a baby sooner but you almost never hear anyone say they wish they hadn't given birth to their child. There really isn't a 'right time' to start a family, but if there is then it's in your mid 30s in a loving relationship...

Well that’s a load of bullshit. Plenty of people say they wished they had waited to have a baby. And how many people truly regret a termination? However the OP was actively trying to get pregnant so this is a different scenario.

@SiaPR okay, personally I've never heard someone say they wish their child hadn't been born! But I know plenty of people who have considered terminations, decided to keep the baby, and now are so pleased they did!

"I just worry about terminating then regretting it"

If you're thinking this then you probably will regret it, in all liklihood.

Consider these:
Will I be able to progress my career later down the line, after a baby?
Will I be able to have a baby later down the line, after progressing my career?

Career progression opportunities will be around long after your fertility has bolted.

OP, regardless of pp's saying that your fertility will decline, you have focused on your career etc...you DO NOT have to have this baby if YOU do not want to.

There is a lot of what could be mistaken for emotional blackmail on this thread, and I don't think they are hoping to be helpful, as they are not free from bias to be fair.

@bluemoon2468 personally I've never heard someone say they wish their child hadn't been born!

1. good for you. I have.

2. doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It isn't the done thing to talk about.

3. she was my mother. I have no relationship with her, despite her raising me for 18yrs.

4. stop thinking that just because YOU haven't seen/heard/experienced it that it doesn't happen.

and I don't think they are going to be helpful, as they are not free from bias to be fair.

Only you and your partner know what's right. What does he think? Some things to consider are:

1. You hesitate this time but was sure and determined last time, what is making you hesitate?
2. When do you see yourself having kids?
3. What do you think realistically is going to be different in your life between now and then?
4. How important is your career to you? Is it an excuse? Many mothers still work and get promotions etc.
5. How do you see parenting when you are in 50s/60s etc.
6. How would you feel if you do end up having fertility issues? Would you be willing to look into stuff like IVF/ adoption? Does your partner feel that's a route to go down too?
7. Do you want to be a parent? How does the idea of raising a child make you feel? Is it a desire or does it feel like being a mother is something you are supposed to do?
8. Are you and your OH on the same page about all these things?

“We” aren’t pregnant: you are.

This is solely your decision. When taking it would assume that you would be a single parent, with your BF seeing the child every other weekend, since that’s by far the most likely outcome.

At 34 if thought I would manage OK alone financially, I would have the baby. Fertility would be a big consideration for me (had fertility issues at a younger age than 34).

@differentnameforthis okay, not sure why you're writing so aggressively 🤷🏼‍♀️ My personal opinion is that people who wish their children had never been born are probably in the tiny minority. I'm sure they exist, and that's very sad 😔

Honestly, MisstheSea, you know very well none of us can make your mind up for you. At the moment you are still shocked and wondering how or if you two can work it out but you can. We can't.

If you want children keep this baby at you are now 34 and if not now then when. You may not get many opportunities.

And although you are the one carrying the baby, You are a couple and it is best to decide as a couple.

I started TTC at age 34. If all goes well this time my child will finally be born when I'm 41.

What are you waiting for exactly? What time path are you thinking of? Do you want multiple children? How do you feel about fertility declining after 35? How do you feel about increased chances for downs syndrom and miscarriages beyond 35? Are you even sure you want children or do you feel it's expected of you or of life? Why do you want children (in some distant future)?

I don't mean to be judgmental here and I am all pro choice and all but I think at 22 you are entitled to be shocked and scared but to then be lax with contraception again at age 34 is just asking for trouble?

Personally I feel you need to both grow up and face it this time round. It might not be so easy to just get pregnant again when you want it, as others are saying.

Once baby is here, you'll never regret it once you feel that all consuming love. It's truly very rewarding and to be honest whether you plan a pregnancy or not it will also feel a bit scary! I don't think anybody can be truly ready, you just have to dive right in.

Good luck with whatever you choose x

Always * feel a bit scary that meant to say

@TJ17

I agree. Although I doubt the OP will be back and probably isn't bothering to read these posts.

Once is an accident- twice and 10 years later to boot is carelessness

Yeah I didn't want to be a bitch but I do feel like if it's happened to you before, you wouldn't be so careless with w ever again unless maybe deep down it's because you weren't that afraid of having a child.
It's different for people who's contraception methods fail them.

@TJ17

Yes there is a disappointing amount of people who think abortion is just another form of contraception and then just expect the NHS to fix the "problem" for them - these same women will then want to access NHS fertility treatment when they suddenly decide that it now suits them to have a family but find they can't due to age or fertility issues.

If I were you I think I’d have the baby.

Being lax with contraception can only really lead one way can’t it... You surely must both have expected this may occur, especially in your mid thirties.

In your position I’d probably keep the baby, time isn’t on your side in the way it was 12 years ago.

“it is best to decide as a couple”

It’s OP’s body and her choice. Ideally she and her BF will have similar wishes, but if not, hers are paramount.

There is no right or wrong answer, but I'll share my experience incase it helps.

I found myself pregnant just over a year into my relationship with my then boyfriend - now husband - when I was 29. We weren't living together, both trying to make it as artists and working bar jobs... I was surprised by the positive test but not horrified, though telling my bf was hard. He received the news well but made it clear he wasn't ready to be a father. I agreed that neither of us were "ready", so we booked an appointment for a termination, however, I was very clear with my boyfriend that I would only have one if I was very very early. If the embryo resembled a baby (8+ weeks) I wouldn't go through with it. I didn't tell anyone what was happening, but he confided in his Mum who wrote an email to him which he shared with me. She's a successful business woman, but she said that having her 3 children was the best thing that she'd ever done (and her marriage had broken down early when the third was only 1) and that if we saw ourselves wanting children together one day, what difference would a couple of years make. I was happy to know that she would support us emotionally if we decided to continue with the pregnancy.

However, when having my scan at the clinic to determine how far along I was (I'd been on and off the pill at the time) I was found to have a non viable pregnancy. The sac was there but no embryo. At the time, this was a blessing as it took away any decision making - though the medical management was unpleasant.

3 years later, we're 32 and married. Our "careers" are no closer to being stable or successful - but then maybe they'll never be. However, I now have another miscarriage under my belt and am currently a very anxious 8-weeks pregnant (no idea whether this will continue, and have some reasons to think that it may not). I am SO GLAD that I didn't have to choose a termination when I was 29 - it would make my current situation so much harder. My husbands mother was right - we did stay together, and we would start trying for a baby 2 years later. And looking back, we would have made it work and more had that first pregnancy been viable .

I know some people get lucky and are able to have kids in their late 30s and early 40s (my own Mum being one) - but I wouldn't bank on that. The road to get there could be time consuming, stressful and very emotional - but then so will motherhood. I guess you just need to weigh both options up and follow your heart.