Pregnant and Lying to Employer, feel horrid

[Natmat1]

I interviewed for a new job before the lockdown and was selected for a second round. In between I found out that I am pregnant but still had a second virtual interview. I got the job but due to the start date that would have given me 4 month until my due date and better maternity benefits in my old place I then chose not to accept. Salary at the new place was significantly higher and my current boss was aware that I interviewed (we have a great relationship) and knows I have an offer. They then made me a counter offer to keep me, but don't know that I am pregnant yet or that I declined already.
Needless to say I can really do with the money as it means I will not struggle with childcare or have to reduce days etc.
But this is eating away at me... How can I then tell them I am pregnant. It feels like terrible dishonesty. I tried talking to my husband and he just said no point asking him as I already know it was wrong to do. I feel totally disgusted with myself and just don't know how I can even come out of this all not looking like a complete cow either way by telling the truth now or not telling?

Help

They think you are worth the increased salary otherwise they wouldn't have offered it to you. You will still be worth that when you go back after mat leave. Take emotion out of it and go with the facts.

I agree, you'll still be worth it after maternity, they're investing in keeping you. Nothing to feel guilty about!

I just feel like they did not have all the facts. They made an offer thinking that I am leaving and I did not correct them, plus did not tell them that I am pregnant yet. So when I do tell them it would seem like I manipulated the situation in my favour (which in reality is exactly this) and they will still be left in the lurch as I will be going on mat leave in 5 month time.

They made you an offer because they don't want to lose you. They arguably should have been paying you this amount before, as they clearly think that you are worth it. I can't believe that either you or your husband think you've done anything wrong!

Accept the offer from your current employer. Tell them about your pregnancy when you usually would. Stop feeling guilty. Going on maternity leave is not 'leaving someone in the lurch', it is a normal event. Thinking otherwise, and not pressing to be paid what you are worth, is part of the reason why women are ridiculously underpaid across the board.

I agree with everything @onthedancefloor has said.

Get rid of the guilt. If they didn't want to pay you that much they wouldn't have offered you it. They have, take the money and say thanks. You will still be valuable to them when you return.
Women have children, they take maternity leave. Many of them then come back and continue to work for that company for years! It's just what happens. You have no obligation to tell your employer that your pregnant until 15 weeks before you're due.
You haven't done anything wrong. All that happened is that they thought you might leave and they realised they didn't want that to happen.

Take the money. You have done nothing wrong. You are clearly valued by your company and this suggests they should have been paying you higher beforehand.

Whether or not you were going to accept the other job is irrelevant. You have a value to the marketplace and if its not that company it could be another.

Whether or not you are pregnant is even less relevant. Pregnancy is long and anything can happen so you shouldn't turn down money now. Also having a higher salary makes you more likely to come back after maternity leave.

Congratulations on being so valued in your work and good luck!

The only fact that matters is that they think you are worth more & it shouldn't have taken the fear of you leaving to offer you more. The maternity leave is irrelevant, you or any woman should never have to apologise or feel guilty about taking it. Women should not be punished for having children. It is your right and you are not leaving them in the lurch

Take the money! Do not feel a second's guilt.

Take the emotion and maternity leave out of this. Do you think a man would worry about using leverage to get a better financial settlement at work? No! It is why they are consistently paid more than us. Well, one of the reasons why.

You are obviously an asset to them or they would not have made a counter offer. Dont give it another thought. Accept and move on.

They’re offering you an increased salary because they highly rate you, think you’re worth it, and want to invest in your future in the company. It doesn’t matter that you’re pregnant; those things are still true. So accept the offer and don’t feel a moment of guilt about it. All good businesses recognise that some people will take parental leave and plan for that accordingly. You truly don’t need to feel bad about this.

Please also bear in mind that enough women face pregnancy discrimination that the world really doesn’t need you self-selecting out of a salary you are entitled to and have earned on merit!

They would not be as loyal to you if they wanted you out.

Take the pay rise. You are worth it, they've told you that. Bet they don't feel guilty about all the months they paid you X when you were really worth Y.

It's business.

Tell them about the pregnancy when you have to.

Take pregnancy out of the equation.

You interviewed for a better rapid position and you got the job. Your employer does not want to lose you so has offered you more money.
You got s job worth more and now your employer agrees you are worth more.

How does pregnancy change that?

You wouldn't have turned down the job if you werent pregnant. You wouldn't be doubting your worth if you werent pregnant.

For a career of 40 to 50 years you will take what.. 2 years off for maternity?

Do you think it is right to turn down money you are worth because of that?

Men will never find themselves in this position... and that is exactly why you just disregard your pregnancy when accepting offers like this. Ask your husband to read that if he struggles to understand why you are still worth the money your employer has offered. That money is offered because of your skills at the job... birthing a child changes nothing. It is very worrying that your husband thinks it does.

*better paid position

It’s just an unfortunate combination of circumstances.

Don’t feel guilty. Take the counter offer and carry on as normal...

They cannot take your pregnancy into account.

So don’t feel guilty. Blame the law.

If your husband was offered a pay rise anytime in the next few months, would he turn it down because he will be taking paternity leave/shared parental leave?

No, he wouldn't, would he?

If he had some leverage, like knowing other employers think he is worth more, would he choose not to use that in order to negotiate a new deal? No, he wouldn't, would he?

It is not wrong to take a pay rise when you have earned it and are worth it. You already missed out on a better paid job because you are having a child and couldnt give up the maternity protection. Why should you also miss out on a well deserved pay rise?

If you had said "you know what husband, I've earned this better paid job so I'm taking it. We will be short of money during maternity leave but it is better for my career in the long run" would your husband have understood? I'm thinking not.

Do not let your husbands backwards viewed stand in your way.

You'd been an idiot not to take the pay rise.
Don't feel guilty either.

Just tell them you had no idea. I told my bosses at like 29 weeks I was pregnant (no idea what time you have to mention it by in the UK though) and had the baby prematurely two weeks later. Whoops.

If you’re sure you will go back after your maternity leave, then you aren’t doing anything wrong. It doesn’t make you look bad, because although you will take maternity leave, the company will still have the benefit of your work when you get back.

If you’re likely to leave or go part time, then I agree it’s shitty behaviour to take the pay rise, whatever the law around it might say.

If people feel bad about something they’ve done, then it’s likely to be because they know they wouldn’t like to be treated the same way.

You have to tell your employer by about 24 weeks, the exact timing depends on due date and what day of the week it falls.

There are advantages in telling them before that, because pregnant women have various rights ie paid time off for antenatal appointments, health and safety assessment, and protection from discrimination.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/rights-at-work/parental-rights/rights-while-youre-pregnant-at-work/

@NailsNeedDoing

No. It's because some women have been conditioned to believe they are worth less to businesses if they birth a child.

They are not worth less. She got the job with the higher pay. She is worth that money. Her employer agrees.

She couldn't accept the position because maternity laws would leave her with less pay. A man would never find himself having to turn down a job for that reason. She has earned and deserved a pay rise, whether or not she returns to work. The work she is doing right now is worth more to the company. It isnt dependant on work she will do in a year.

Well bloody said Bobbie.

Why are you stressing about this? If they used your pregnancy as a reason not to offer you a reason to stay isn't that discrimination? Legally you don't have to inform your employer that you're pregnant until the 15th week before your baby is due, until then it's none of their business! This is not something I'd lose sleep over OP