Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant and Lying to Employer, feel horrid

56 replies

Natmat1 · 17/06/2020 14:43

I interviewed for a new job before the lockdown and was selected for a second round. In between I found out that I am pregnant but still had a second virtual interview. I got the job but due to the start date that would have given me 4 month until my due date and better maternity benefits in my old place I then chose not to accept. Salary at the new place was significantly higher and my current boss was aware that I interviewed (we have a great relationship) and knows I have an offer. They then made me a counter offer to keep me, but don't know that I am pregnant yet or that I declined already.
Needless to say I can really do with the money as it means I will not struggle with childcare or have to reduce days etc.
But this is eating away at me... How can I then tell them I am pregnant. It feels like terrible dishonesty. I tried talking to my husband and he just said no point asking him as I already know it was wrong to do. I feel totally disgusted with myself and just don't know how I can even come out of this all not looking like a complete cow either way by telling the truth now or not telling?

Help

OP posts:
FlaskMaster · 17/06/2020 15:52

Take the money. Don't say a thing. They're telling you what you're worth to them, take it.

Irishprincess · 17/06/2020 16:02

Your pregnancy shouldn't affect their decision as that would be discrimination so whether you told them or not should be irrelevant

BeMorePacific · 17/06/2020 16:08

Pregnancy isn’t something any employer would want to penalise you for. You’re obviously a great employee, please don’t feel a second of guilt. Have a look at Mother Pukka on Instagram and send her a message for advice xx

NailsNeedDoing · 17/06/2020 16:20

I disagree, no employee is worth as much when they aren’t working, and they certainly aren’t worth paying for if they aren’t going to return, but that’s ok, we’re all allowed our own opinions.

BobbieDraper · 17/06/2020 16:24

@NailsNeedDoing

But this isnt something which can be applied to all employees. It specifically only affects women (or transmen nowadays) so must not be allowed to become the standard feeling.

"Oh, she mentioned maybe having a child... best not give her a pay rise".

If the only reason to deny someone a pay rise is that they will have a pregnancy and birth then it is wrong.

mylittlesandwich · 17/06/2020 16:36

@NailsNeedDoing where do we draw the line with that? When I was hired I was a married woman in my mid 20s. There was a reasonable chance we would decide to start a family? Should they not have hired me? They certainly shouldn't have given me 2 pay increases? I did then go off on maternity leave and there's a decent chance I'm going to go part time next year if we can make the finances work.

Original poster
Natmat1 · 17/06/2020 16:39

Hi ladies, you all speak great deal of sense.And absolutely right about being conditioned in regards to maternity leave.
I have to agree with the posters saying that a man would not give it a second thought. And my husband's position really wobbled me, even though he has poor views when it comes to women and employment, such as equal pay etc. so shouldn't have been surprised.
Also I have been badly underpaid for many years as it is impossible to squeeze a drop out of my employer. Whenever the subject was raised they said something like we do not have banding so everyone gets paid differently. So the offer was not expected.
But because I always had a honest relationship with my line manager and the director I find it that I am not being fair on them. Plus I work in a technical sector and because of the systems complexity and level of analysis that is required it takes about 2 years to get a new employee to a basic level. So they are trying to avoid this skills gap by offering me a pay rise, but will be left in similar position in a few months.
I still found it very reassuring reading your opinions. No longer feels like an overwhelming situation with terrible thoughts that were absolutely consuming me.
Thank you

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/06/2020 16:41

he has poor views when it comes to women and employment, such as equal pay etc

Urgh. What a prick.

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2020 16:49

"he has poor views when it comes to women and employment, such as equal pay etc."

Why do women marry and have children with sexist pricks like this?! Confused

Original poster
Natmat1 · 17/06/2020 16:58

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

he has poor views when it comes to women and employment, such as equal pay etc

Urgh. What a prick.

I know, he is good in other ways. But God... Its people with opinions like his that make it so unfair to women in a first place. On a subject of equal pay, he once gave a worst argument (I refused to listen after that) why should they be paid the same, how many women do you see on M25 at 6 am? Seriously? I said it might not be that many because they are very likely to be driving to drop of the kids after walking the dog at 5 am and making packed lunches and a million other things they would have done when blokes sit in the car listening to some rubbish radio. But this is for a different thread.
OP posts:
BobbieDraper · 17/06/2020 17:03

I'm sorry OP... I know this is your life but jeez. If women stopped having children with these pricks then the future generation would be raised in progressive, inclusive households.

If you have a son his dad is going to poison him against women in the workplace.

If you have a daughter, her dad is going to belittle any aspirations for a successful career.

Being great in terms ways doesnt make up for his morals being fundamentally misogynistic and oppressive. Yuck.

Original poster
Natmat1 · 17/06/2020 17:04

@AnotherEmma

"he has poor views when it comes to women and employment, such as equal pay etc."

Why do women marry and have children with sexist pricks like this?! Confused

Further to my original post, I clearly must make bad decisions with even less adequate reasoning behind them. But no one is perfect, H has some very good points to him despite some of his 17th century views
OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 17/06/2020 17:05

And he's not going to do his share of night wakings, childcare/school drop offs and pick ups, or time off work when the children are unwell Sad

Hatscats · 17/06/2020 17:06

Take the money, I would!

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2020 17:08

He's going to one of those twats whose Very Important Man Job means that he can't possibly do any inconvenient parenting. Which means of course that he deserves a nice big salary which he gets to decide how to spend. While his poor sod of a wife is running around doing the childcare and housework on top of trying to hold down her job obviously deserves to earn less because she's not dedicated enough to put in the hours.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/06/2020 17:10

how many women do you see on M25 at 6 am?

Remind him of this when he has to pull up the slack while you work - he can't complain of "women not pulling their weight in the workforce" whilst equally then not valuing your work.

Original poster
Natmat1 · 17/06/2020 17:13

Smile I can really see a picture that could develop, but luckily for me in this case I am the woman on M25 at 6 am hence him asking that question. And as I work far from school he drops off and attends most school activities and quite proud of that.
But still seems to say rubbish like this

P. S. I do 5 am dog walk and lunches

OP posts:
Original poster
Natmat1 · 17/06/2020 17:19

Going back to my manager, also a female in a very male dominated environment. Do you think she will feel offended and not see me in the same way when she learns that I wasn't completely out with the truth? Or because she has a grown family she will be more understanding? The worst part is that a lion share of the work will be put on her when I go on mat leave.

OP posts:
UnaOfStormhold · 17/06/2020 17:20

Can I strongly suggest that you get your husband to take some shared parental leave? It really helps build a more equal footing on childcare and domestic tasks and balances the career impact more evenly.

Postmanbear · 17/06/2020 17:25

It is not lying to not tell your employer you are pregnant. Why should you feel guilty for expanding your family?!
I don’t know how far along you are but the unfortunate reality is if you are in your first trimester you may miscarry (hopefully not) and then you’ve turned down a pay rise for nothing. I would’ve started the new better job if I was you.

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2020 17:33

"Do you think she will feel offended and not see me in the same way when she learns that I wasn't completely out with the truth?"

Who cares?
Would a man care what his boss thought of anything apart from him professional contribution?!
You're perfectly within your rights not to disclose a pregnancy until later on. For many women that won't be until after the 12 week scan or later.

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2020 17:33

apart from his

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/06/2020 17:34

You haven't lied.

Oatmilk1 · 17/06/2020 17:37

@Natmat1

It's impossible for us to guess how your manager will react. Both men and women can hold sexist or outdated views. Taking up the workload slack is the drawback of being a manager and why she is paid even more than you.

I think it's important for you to recognise that there may be some people who suggest you have done the wrong thing BUT THEY ARE WRONG. You cannot please everyone and you absolutely have to do the right thing for you. You have a family to look after.

In summary: take the money, you deserve it, you are not lying. Do everything you can to make returning to work (or not if you prefer) better for yourself and your family.

Original poster
Natmat1 · 17/06/2020 17:48

No I don't think men think or feel similar to females, they seem to be more thicker skinned. But I care, because we have a good relationship including out of work.
I really wanted the new job, as apart from pay it was also a step further in my career. But I had to consider other matters, current place offers 80% of the salary for the duration of the Mat leave. It is also in a stable sector where is the new job is less so and hard to predict post virus. New job is further away and working there for just 4 months before leave would have been very stressful experience, due to the nature of it.
I am 16 weeks, so could have told them already , but actually was genuinely worried due to previous MC's one quite late.
Just to answer some of the questions.

OP posts: