If you could turn back time - what would do differently/with hindsight?

[ml01omm]

Hi

I'm a FTM and aware that sometimes new mums can do some crazy things when it comes to looking after their PFB, because they don't know any better and are trying to do eveything by the book.

Just wondering - for all you mums out there who have already survived the babystage - knowing what you do now - what would you do differently if you could, or what did you do differently when it came to DC no.2?

I don't mean in terms of buying X, Y, Z item, I mean in terms of looking after, caring for the baby. etc

Thank you!

Following with interest!

I would have been (and will be) militant about handing the baby over to DH, putting in ear plugs and going to sleep for four straight hours every night. I was so concerned about nipple confusion (never happened) or not being there to comfort DS1 (hey, maybe let his Dad have a go) that I almost destroyed myself, my marriage, everybody's sanity..

Four hours of uninterrupted sleep every single night. That's my mission.

I would definitely worry less about building good sleep habits!!! With dd1, we started a bedtime routine at about 6 weeks. It meant we spent hours trying to get her to settle. She didnt nap on her own until 6 months. I worried so much about letting her form bad habits and agonized over every decision.

With dd2, she had one nap a day on my bed with me and the others in the sling. She went to bed when we did, which meant cluster feeding could happen on the sofa in front of the TV. By 6 months, she had slipped into a bedtime routine on her own and was napping in her cot and I hadnt wasted hours and hours worrying about it.

I wouldn’t drive myself crazy about how baby is fed! I really struggled with breastfeeding and was devastated that it didn’t work out, we switched to formula at 3 months (I expressed and struggled on with breastfeeding until then, I cried giving DS his first bottle of expressed milk as it wasn’t straight from the breast!). In hindsight yes breastfeeding is best but as long as baby is fed and thriving that’s all that matters! No one will ask you how your 3/5/10/25 year old was fed! Also agree with PP about not worrying about sleep and routines, it’s not worth the stress and upset!
Good luck and enjoy your new baby!

Following as I am pregnant with a 10 yr gap and feel like a FTM.

The main thing I remember that I would change was not to be so militant about breastfeeding. It did work for me and well so got a lot of pressure from HV not to use formula. I had a very hungry boy and at 16 weeks was still waking every two house in the night and feeding so often. I was in tears and hallucinating. I gave in and had a hungry baby bottle of formula at night and it worked wonders. This time I still plan to breast feed but will introduce a bottle to give me a break and DP a go. Breastfeeding is best and once established is so easy and straightforward but you don't get a break and it can be tough.

I say to my friends not to give themselves a hard time either way as they just need to do what works and I will take my own advice I hope this time.

This time I won’t be afraid to put the baby down for a few minutes if I’m feeling broken!

The sleep deprivation is soooo much it wears you down, and I remember marching around the house with a screaming baby, crying myself, while trying And failing to sooth her, being aware I might fall over any minute with exhaustion!

Sometimes you have done everything right and you just have to look after yourself for five minutes. Sit down, eat, give yourself a pep talk & tell yourself you’re amazing!!

If you can look after yourself you’re in a much better position to look after them too

Great quote: “you can’t pour from an empty cup” so look after yourself X

I gave up on swaddling too early . I wasn’t very good at it . My newborn wasn’t the best sleeper in the early days and he just wanted to sleep in my arms , which I loved until it was night and I needed to sleep too !

I wouldn’t pressure myself to the extent I did to breastfeed. I regret those first precious (8) weeks, wasted crying all the time.

This time I'm listening less to my other half. He talked me out of buying "unnecessary" items such as am angel care movement monitor... A next to me crib... Buy as it turned out these things would have made MY life easier. I'm buying a Snuza Hero and when he tried to tell me it was unnecessary blah blah I told him it wasn't up for discussion, to shut up, and that I was buying it. I was that panicky and sleep deprived I spent weeks sleep walking and I'll do anything to avoid that this time round.

I would have obsessed less over baby sleep. Yes, my DS was sleep sensitive and needed a routine BUT I would get myself in knots when he didn’t sleep to schedule. Fact it, you can’t make a baby sleep so I would have just taken a deep breathe and dealt with the fallout later.

Also remember getting worked up when he was awake in the middle of the night for no reason. My view now is, if baby isn’t crying, he can get on with it. I’d have stuck in a pair of light foam ear plugs to block out the snuffling, rolled over and gone back to sleep!

Ignore anything about “making a rod for your own back”. Trust your instincts, roll with it and do what you need to do to keep everyone as calm and rested as possible.

Not been fobbed off by medics about his cmpa and got it sorted sooner. Had 4 months of absolute hell could have been sorted sooner

These are all really useful to hear - esp the sleep ones, as that is what I am most worried about.

Please keep them coming!

I wouldn’t compare DC’s sleep (lack of) to other babies.

I wish I had shown myself the same respect that I would give an animal who had just given birth, and not put pressure on myself to feel totally cool with ‘pass the baby’. It’s a maternal instinct and it’s ok to feel uneasy about it.

I wish I had ignored it when people said ‘sleep gets better at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months, 8 months etc’. Those deadlines came and went with no improvement and I felt a more hard done by with every one.

I'd definitely try not to get into, the fed to sleep, habit I did with my first and it broke me. I'd also try a dummy from birth I got scared he'd end up with nipple confusion. Then after 3weeks he settled much better

Following!!

I'd have got a next-to-me crib earlier (he was about 5 months when I caved in), and not bothered battling with a c-section scar to lift him into and out of a bloody moses basket!
And I'd have had more faith in myself and allowed myself to bed share earlier too (as he's now 2.5 and snuggled up behind me!) when he wouldn't settle in the crib.
Sleep us everything!

Not something I’d do differently as such but next time I’ll totally recognise a completely overtired/over stimulated baby and know how to handle it way better! Also I wish I had looked after myself a bit more in the first few weeks of his life, it’s so hard and you feel like you’ve been hit by a train, I think as harsh as it sounds I’d be a little stricter about visitors, way too many.

I'd have a stretchy wrap/sling from the beginning to save myself the arm ache. If second child followed DD's horrific sleep habits I'd co-sleep straight away instead of faffing about with all the sleep training that never worked for us. I'd say yes everytime someone offered to help change a nappy/walk baby/clean etc instead of trying to do it all. I would buy the cloth nappies that worked even if they were full price because I hate poo explosions and they were brilliant. I would ignore the state of the house/garden and prioritise sleep as much as possible.

I’m kind of in this now as DC2 is 8 weeks old and I made a few conscious decisions to do things differently. I decided to worry a lot less about feeding and sleep, no obsessive tracking, just going with the flow, no comparing to others and stressing that my poor sleeper was a broken baby. So far she’s fallen into a natural routine and fit in with DC1 and it’s a hundred times easier/less stressful.

Also to be a lot more willing just to pass the baby the DH or tell him what I need him to help with (this is easier when you have 2 because you have to take one child each anyway but I wish I’d done this more before).

To not breastfeed. Way tooich stress for me.i did it with my first, tried again with my second. If I had a third I definitely wouldn't do it.

This time I wont even attempt breast feeding (apart from colostrum in first few days), I had a horrendous time BF and the guilt I had when I had to give up move to exclusive formula was horrible, not putting myself through that, if BF doesnt work, dont feel pressurised to continue, remember fed is best

Hmm, hard one. I may have stopped breastfeeding earlier than I did, because I had bad pain from it and thus hated it and couldn't bond properly with DD because of it. But I'm not sure if I definitely would have or not as I really wanted her to have breast milk so maybe I would suffer and struggle on again next time anyway if it was the same. Not sure. I EBF for 6 weeks with about one or two bottles of expressed milk a week after the first two weeks which DH did so I could sleep longer, then introduced formula at 6 weeks and mixed fed a combination of formula, expressed milk and BF, gradually increasing the formula until 10 weeks when DD finally refused to latch on to the breast anymore so I had to stop anyway. Pumped a bit for another two weeks gradually lessening it mainly just to avoid mastitis etc.

I would seek out emotional support quicker or at least in theory I would, as my mental health was awful and I didn't seek out any support. But then I didn't realise how dangerously unwell I was at the time so if it happens again maybe I still won't realise and won't be able to seek support, who knows.

I would wash and change DD's bedding less as a newborn hah.

The first couple of weeks we didn't know you didn't need to change a wet nappy overnight or that you could leave a wet nappy on for a few hours. So we were changing it with every feed, which was often every 1-2 hrs etc. We didn't know until my DPs told us about 2 weeks in. So next time I know not to change the nappy that often!

I would be a lot less stressed next time about baby crying as now that DD is 2 I am well versed with tantrums out and about and a newborn crying wouldn't phase me. So I would try and get out and about next time more than I did and sooner than I did and not be constantly worrying about what people around me are thinking of me and judging my parenting and whinging about my baby crying. DD cried ALL THE TIME so this will be a handy skill if the next one is the same.

I would maybe hold off on introducing sweet food such as fruit until later in the weaning journey as DD has a very sweet tooth and is a fussy eater. But that's easier said than done especially if you've already got an older child eating fruit or whatever right next to the baby.

I would baby carry. DH did and I never had the confidence to do it until DD was about 7/8 months by which time she was too heavy for me to carry for more than an hour or two at a time. DD loved it and would sleep in the carrier from being a newborn so I would do that with the next one and be able to have my hands free and could do jobs at home that way too instead of being stuck under her for naps for hours and never being able to do any housework.

Am expecting dc2 any day now, and things I plan to do differently are:

• use a stretchy sling so I can get on with stuff lots earlier
• chill out about pretty much everything
• safe co sleeping to facilitate breastfeeding without being flat out exhausted
• not give in to formula top ups so quickly

But mostly, just follow your instincts, it will all be grand!

Not allowing all (3) sets of grandparents to come and visit the evening we got home (DC was born the early hours same day after a gruelling induction and 3 days in hospital!) and also wish I had batches cooked some wholesome home cooked meals for that first week.

I've not read the thread, but with Ds1 I

• stressed about when and for how long he breastfed, even going as far as timing his feeds;
• had him weighed religiously every 2 weeks;
• signed up for every baby class going;
• read lots of books, e.g. Gina Ford, etc.;
• ran around doing housework whenever he napped;
• tried to put him on a sleeping schedule from when he was tiny;
• insisted he sleep in his cot for every nap and through the night, even if it meant getting out of bed up to 5 times a night or spending up to an hour trying to put him down for a nap.

With DC2, I

• breastfed whenever I thought he looked hungry
• had him weighed only as often as recommended in the red book
• let him nap in the sling or in my arms until he was about 6 months old at least
• co-slept safely
• allowed him to nap whenever he needed it
• made sure I rested for at least one of his naps every day
• did the bare minimum of housework and left my DH to do all the cooking
• went to one baby class a week

In hindsight, I think I would have enjoyed my first maternity leave a lot more if I had worried less about routines and just gone with the flow a bit more...