If you could turn back time - what would do differently/with hindsight?

[ml01omm]

Hi

I'm a FTM and aware that sometimes new mums can do some crazy things when it comes to looking after their PFB, because they don't know any better and are trying to do eveything by the book.

Just wondering - for all you mums out there who have already survived the babystage - knowing what you do now - what would you do differently if you could, or what did you do differently when it came to DC no.2?

I don't mean in terms of buying X, Y, Z item, I mean in terms of looking after, caring for the baby. etc

Thank you!

I would also ignore all the not so helpful advice received about sleep, feeding, etc. I was more assertive and confident in my parenting skills the second time around, and learned to ignore the suggestions from others about routines, dream feeds, etc., because I knew my baby best.

Great thread!

@BlueBlazerBlack I’m interested that you mentioned Gina Ford. I’m a FTM due in two weeks and have two of her books. I’ve been obsessing about getting into a sleep routine ASAP as she advices but then recently I’m swinging the other way and just thinking of being more instinctive and going with the flow, sleep when baby sleeps etc. I’d be interested in hearing your experience of following Gina Ford versus go with the flow!?

Definitely no visitors for the first month to give me a chance to recover from the birth and enjoy my baby.

Stress less about holding my baby and contact napping. I was pressured by my mum, my husband and MIL not to hold my baby so much and stressed a lot and wasted time trying to put her down. Contact napping made my life so much easier (but husband would be annoyed I was just sitting on the sofa all day with the baby).

Bedshare earlier as some nights I wasted hours and hours trying to put her to sleep in her next to me when she would be out like a light in bed with me.

Same as PP be much more aware of the sleep cues because once my baby was overtired I had no hope of getting her to sleep. The first month there were days when she was awake for 6-8 hours straight and in the videos I took I could see her falling asleep but didn't pick up on this. Sneezing is a sign of overstimulation which I didn't know.

Also get a cleaner. I felt under pressure to do housework and juggle a crying baby and I had big arguments with husband about this and wish we got one sooner.

Bought wundersuits because although they are more expensive the zips are so much easier to do up in the middle of the night than faffing around with poppers!

@Itsnoteasyfeelingqueasy I couldn't get on with GF at all, her routines were far too rigid and strict for us, and didn't fit in with our lifestyle anyway. I also found her breastfeeding advice very outdated. Hopefully it's been updated recently, but in the edition I read, the advice wasn't really in line with the current advice about feeding on demand, offering both sides, etc.
The best advice I could offer would be to see how you feel when the baby is here and also, whether the baby is happy to slot into a routine or not. Mine naturally developed their own routines, whereby they clusterfed in the evening but slept in a bit in the morning, which worked fine for us but meant the GF routine (baby sleeping from 7 pm to 7 am) didn't work for us.

I’m due DD2 in August, and DD has just turned 3. Things I’m planning / hoping to do differently this time round (obviously all depends on baby and her personality!)

• Don’t put so much pressure on myself to breastfeed. I managed 5/6 weeks with DD, but those weeks were miserable and I did not enjoy the first weeks of her life. I will move to formula much sooner if I’m finding it difficult.
• Swaddle from earlier on - I discovered a decent swaddle at about 7 weeks which really helped DD settle
• Try not to panic / obsess over sleep so much. I will try and get a decent routine going again (this massively helped DDs sleep), but not obsess over it. I won’t clock watch in the night and count how many hours sleep I have left. I drove myself loopy.
• Don’t fixate on baby led weaning. DD much preferred being spoon fed around 50% of her food. Worked for us and she loves all sorts of food now.

I also need to remind myself this is a different child to DD, so the things that we found worked well for us and DD needed (dummy, swaddle, white noise, dark room, formula) might not work well for this baby.

I definitely need to look into a getting a sling a bit more based on your replies, I wasn't originally going to, but it sounds like an "essential" bit of kit.

Also bumping for further responses because these have been really interesting.

I’m due September with my second and these are the main things I’ve been saying to myself will be different this time:

— I won’t spend hours each night glued to my phone googling random stuff like “why baby grunting sleep” and “silent reflux symptoms” and “how boost milk production” etc etc. When they’re asleep, even if they’re being noisy (which they will be, trust) I’m going to sleep as much as poss too!
— Won’t religiously record to the minute/millilitre how much sleep/milk they’ve had, only to beat myself up with it at the end of each day if I deem it “too little”
— Not going to listen to any of the websites that tell you what your baby’s sleep routine SHOULD be. DD1 used to catnap for 30-45 mins and I stressed about it so much because everything I read said she should be sleeping for over an hour each time. Every baby is different, man! Plus her naps elongated on their own as she got older anyway so I needn’t have worried.
— Not going to rush into weaning at 5 months because family suggest I should.
— And biggest thing: I’ll seek help for PND and anxiety way earlier this time if I feel myself heading that way. I highly recommend IAPT if it’s a thing in your area!

OP, slings are the best. £40 to be hands free with a happy sleeping baby that doesn't mind you doing washing/ cooking/ falling asleep on the sofa safely?! Bargain.

12 hours aftery 2rd child was born of have phoned the police and changed the locks.

Life got a lot easier with my first once I found out that newborn babies can only be awake for about 45 mins before they need to sleep again, otherwise they get over tired and cranky. We were bouncing DC1 up and down, playing music, dancing around trying to calm him down, when all he needed was more regular naps! Different baby!

@ml01omm

Regards sleep and routines - A friend tOld me about the EASY method and it really helped me. Basically she said the principal is this:
EAT - breast or bottle feed your baby
ACTIVITY - play or socialise or baby class or watch tv or whatever
SLEEP - baby naps (and It’s a GREAT idea for you too)
YOU - either you catch up on a few bits and bobs while they nap, or just go to bloody sleep yourself - usually the best idea!

So this isn’t a ‘routine’ as such - the idea of a newborn sticking to the clock in any way is laughable - but it helps you get a rhythm early on. It also helps you not feed them to sleep, which is so tempting, but generally it’s best that they learn to get themselves to sleep without being attached to boob/bottle. Note the word ‘generally’ as like everything there aren’t any rules! There will be teething days, sick days, and days where things just go differently and that’s the reality.

After a few weeks/months you hopefully develop your own routine of sorts, that fits your life. Although beware they go through so many phases and sleep regressions that the routine is permanently up for debate

I personally think asking advice from anyone you like is a great idea, but ONLY if you take it all with a pinch ofsalt, feel free to ignore what you don’t like and if things don’t work, don’t be afraid to change, or try something new. So much of being a great parent is listening to instincts

Good luck, you’ll be amazing! Xx

-chill out more
-co-sleep more instead of spending ages trying to settle baby in a cot or next to me
-really enjoy time together, snuggles, the breastfeeding (I miss it so much)
-sleep when the baby sleeps!!! Such a cliche but true. Household etc can wait
-take it easy after giving birth and not run aound 3 days after
-book a private room at hospital!

And yes OP get a good sling!

DS is 8 and I’m due DD in September so in some ways I feel like I’m doing it for the first time all over again, but one thing is that I’m determined to be much more relaxed with her and willing to go with the flow and what I feel is best in the moment. I spent so much time agonising over things with DS and feeling guilty that I couldn’t breast feed and torturing myself about giving him a dummy. I had very rigid ideas about how I thought parenting a baby would be and I really struggled with how different the reality was. This time I’m preparing myself for all eventualities. I’d like to breast feed but I’ve also bought a pack of bottles and will have some formula in the cupboard in case I need it, if she needs a dummy I’ll give her a dummy. I also feel more confident in my ability as a mother and able to go with my instincts with regards to sleep, feeding, weaning etc.

I’m also going to make the most of the sleepy baby cuddles! I felt so much pressure with DS to get him sleeping in his Moses basket for naps etc. If I need to put her down to nap so I can get on with things I’ll do it, but if I want to sit and cuddle my baby I won’t let anyone tell me I shouldn’t be.