No sympathy/support from partner

[lydia771]

I am currently 7 weeks with my first pregnancy and I am really suffering with sickness and I have 0 energy. My partner has absolutely no sympathy for me and is annoyed that I can't do things I normally do like go for a long walk with him, help decorate the house etc and that I'm mainly resting/napping.

He says all I do is complain, there is so much tension between us. He keeps asking me to do things with him that I'm just not at all up to doing (this mornings example help him paint the garden fence whilst I'm clearly running to the bathroom every few minutes) and then he just sulks with me and we start snapping at each other. I'm trying to do what I can,I go on short walks with him but I can't go far without wanting to just collapse! And we don't even talk the whole time it's awful.

We are both on furlough and stuck at home so I imagine we wouldn't be in this situation in normal circumstances.

I wish I could zap into him how I feel, I keep trying to tell him but he says I'm OTT and 'how can the baby who is only a few mm's big be affecting me so much'. We normally have an amazing relationship but I have honestly never felt so lonely in my life, I thought I'd have so much more support from him.

Even today, I said 'please can we go and get a McDonald's before our walk' as that's the only thing I felt like eating as I'm off everything and he said bluntly 'yesterday you could only eat bland foods, that's not bland' - he's just being so argumentative?!

I don't even know if anyone can give advice I just desperately needed somewhere to vent 🥵

That must be frustrating for you. I'm 16 weeks and only starting to feel my energy coming back now. Remind him it's not just the baby you're growing, but the placenta, a whole new organ that will support baby. At the moment that organ isn't in place so you are supporting and growing the baby and building a new organ. Ask him if he has tried to grow a new heart or liver recently. My partner noticed my energy levels dropping but noticed more when I was throwing up and realised how tough pregnancy is.

Plus he's going to find your taste buds change regularly, what works one day might not the next and then there is the cravings!!

That’s really upsetting. Has he read any pregnancy books or stuff online? Has he ever met a pregnant woman?!

Exhaustion and sickness are extremely common in early pregnancy (and for some people, for the whole nine months!). It’s a bit weird he doesn’t know that?!

On a practical level, I suggest he reads up on pregnancy. On an emotional level, I think that’s a really, really poor attitude to take towards you when he should be more supportive and protective than ever over you. You have months and months left of this...and then a birth to recover from...and then a baby to look after at the end! He isn’t exactly showing himself to be partner and father of the year so far. No wonder you’re upset.

I agree with the previous posters, that’s really very insensitive and unhelpful. He was an equal partner in creating this baby, he needs to take some time to educate himself and not assume things continue as normal until you get to the end of the pregnancy. That’s just not how it works (not that we need to tell you!).

As a pp said, it’s actually the growing of the placenta, an entire new organ that will sustain the baby he has helped create, that is making you feel this way. The baby is also, at this point, getting all it’s vital organs. By 12 weeks it is a fully formed baby with everything in the right place (mostly). That is SO MUCH WORK for your body to be doing. I’m guessing you’ve told him this? It’s also surprising he can’t SEE that you’re struggling if you’re rushing to be sick frequently.

You need to sit down together when you’re both in a good headspace. Ask him how he’s feeling about the pregnancy (put the ball in his court to begin with) and hopefully work your way towards explaining how it really is a lot for your body to he dealing with and explain what you need from him. Maybe he feels a little left out, but that’s not the way to go about it. I really hope you figure things out and he starts supporting you more!

I've got an app that says what is happening this week. Each week my partner and I see, it also says what size it is. I think it's helped his understanding. I do remember some weeks going, this week I'm making a brain, don't want to muck that up. So far, I've mainly been making baby out of junk food!!

This is not acceptable.
The first trimester is a bloody endurance test. It is utterly exhausting.
He needs to get his act together because, if he thinks you're struggling on walks now, wait until you hit thirty weeks plus!

He sounds like an arsehole. Covid-19 is adding stress to all of us, but we can still control how we treat other people.

You might find this link helpful to explain just how much is going into what you’re doing at the moment, above and beyond all the other things you’re doing.

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.theladders.com/career-advice/pregnancy-is-like-running-a-40-week-marathon-study/amp

I had mine be fine for the first and second trimesters, but his patience with my naps is starting to wear out now I am nearly there. Good thing I am having baby soon lol. GL with partner, they can def be very hit and miss.

Hi ladies. It was really uplifting for me to read your responses. I've tried speaking to him, explaining things but his response is that I'm a hypochondriac and pregnant women get on with things perfectly fine, so there's no reason for me to be feeling the way I do.

He says he doesn't want me to just be sleeping all day (which I'm actually not at all, I have a nap in the afternoon) He, on the other hand, stays up until 3am every night playing video games and surfaces well after midday.

I'm this close to telling him to leave as he's making it 1000% times harder and I'd rather get on with things alone. He's completely breaking my heart I just can't believe the attitude.

Oh bless you, I can empathise - my husband did not understand how dreadful I felt at the start of my pregnancy. He did however witness me having a random thrown up attack that came out of nowhere and that was a bit of a wake up call for him, he was a bit more sympathetic after that!

As PPs have suggested, can you sit down and talk to him about how he is feeling when you are both calm? I know for my husband, part of it was that even that early on things were changing (I was practically asleep all the time, when not throwing up and was also quite short with him and apparently not very pleasant to live with!) and that was making him anxious about all the other things that change when a baby arrives. I think it can be really hard for men to get their heads round but they have to appreciate the phenomenal work that our bodies are doing in creating an actual brand new human being and the impact that has on us. At the end of the day, he is going to be a father and needs to step up - looking after you is good practise for looking after the baby! I also got my hubby a book, 'How to be a Dad' which has some good chapters on the early stages of pregnancy.

Honestly? Following your update, he sounds horrible. Is this really someone you want 'supporting' you through labour, birth, trying to feed and care for a newborn etc? I have to say if I'd had a talk like that with my partner and they reacted like that, I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship. What you're going through is a massive deal. When I had morning sickness my DH took me to the shop every day so I could be sure there was always something in the house I wanted to eat, and encouraged me to nap etc when I was feeling crappy. That's normal, loving behaviour.

He's being an utter twat. I almost want to advise you to show him this thread so he can see he's being an utter twat. Has he ever been pregnant? No. Does he understand what happens in the first trimester? Doesn't sound like it. Does he realise that every pregnancy is different, let alone every woman? No.

My H was a bit like this, he thought pregnancy got harder only as it went on and I was being over dramatic. I spammed him with links until he got the picture. It really bothered me that he didn't just believe me though, and needed it validated from external sources. I was sad, but I also got angry until he started listening properly.

I think it's harder to get them to understand when you don't have morning sickness (which I didn't - only a bit of nausea) - it's like they need to see the evidence! I'll repeat again. Twat.

He’s an arsehole. When I was at this stage of my pregnancy I was sleeping all afternoon, luckily didn’t have sickness but lots of food aversion. DH was bringing me a coffee in bed every morning, letting me sleep as much as possible, did all the housework and made me whatever weird food I felt like eating. He didn’t make a single comment like yours has made and I don’t think he thought anything like that that he didn’t share either. Because he knew I was growing a fucking human!

Seriously your husband is being nasty and clearly has no idea what pregnancy involves. Some women don’t have many symptoms, some have loads, were all different, but either way it’s not his body and he should just shut up and be supportive. I’d be worried what he’ll be like when you have a small baby

The massively changing hormones are what makes the first trimester hard for most. It’s nothing to do with the size of the baby, your body is going through massive change

You have all my sympathy, the first trimester exhaustion (with the additional loveliness of hyperemesis until 20 weeks in my case) was unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. I had to get signed off from work twice and could just about haul myself from the bed to the sofa every day and just lay there I was so weak.

I even had a midwife say to me that it's not an 'illness' as such but that offended me on so many levels because it is genuinely like an illness that you have to put up with for weeks on end. Like flu and food poisoning every day. Explain it to him that way!

Sounds like he doesn’t understand what your going through, some people acted like I was overreacting and so I spoke to a midwife and she was worried I’d have to go to hospital so just proves how I wasn’t just making it up, and every pregnancy is different, some women don’t know they’re pregnant because they don’t get any symptoms and other women end up in hospital on an IV because they’re suffering so much.. it’s the hormones and growing uterus etc all can be a bit much for some people’s bodies so I think maybe you need to speak to him again and let him know this and get him to do his research before he starts judging you, my OH gets fed up with my changing tastebuds and moods but he still does what he can, he lets me have naps when he knows I need it and he tries to make me eat when I’m struggling because that’s what the baby and me need and I think that’s what your partner should do to look after you. Pregnant women use up more energy sitting down than their partners do going for a run 😂

That sounds really tough OP. I haven't had any sickness (not sure if that's a good thing or not) but my OH briefly expressed similar sentiments about some intense hunger pangs I've been having. "You don't actually have to eat for two, you know." "The baby's only tiny, it doesn't actually need any extra food." And my personal favourite, "It's all in your head." I think sometimes men are just super logical and don't see how something that tiny can have such a big effect on so many aspects of a woman's body. Like someone up there said, I think they assume that the effects of pregnancy progress in a straight line as the baby grows. Maybe just a little calm education would help - show him some links with information about what to expect at each stage with some explanation of why too. My OH talking to his friends about their wives / girlfriends experiences of pregnancy helped too.

Those first few weeks are SO HARD!!!

the reason we might not hear about it as much is

1. You don’t look pregnant yet
2. We don’t usually tell people until 12 weeks, so we have to hide many of the awful symptoms we’re feeling

I felt truly horrendous until about 10/11 weeks. Dead on my feet, emotional, stomach pain, never mind the anxiety of pregnancy generally

Your partner is being a massive c*! Sorry I know that’s pretty bold, but honestly has he no respect for you that he thinks you’re making this shit up?!!!! You aren’t!

He needs to get educated, pronto, or else you are better off without him.

Things are going to get seriously tough - who knows what stuff pregnancy, labour and parenting is going to throw at you - is this guy going to be able to handle all of that, and rise to be the supportive hero you need?

Well done for putting this question here, I hope we can all support you.

I hear you, I believe you and if you need more guidance - we’re all here!

Big hugs x X

Men can't understand pregnancy so I think most can seem a bit un sympathetic and annoyed as I know this time round with our toddler I've had to rely a lot more on my partner to look after my toddler. However being rude is not acceptable. Your growing his child and he should show some understanding and saying pregnant women get in with it, well trust me we don't, we all moan, only a quick search of first trimester posts on here will show you that your not being unreasonable, the first part of pregnancy is awful and I think most of us display symptoms like you have been. Trust me your not being in reasonable xx

The first trimester is well known for being exhausting and challenging. I'd try and find evidence of this e.g. info in pregnancy books and try to educate him. Of course I agree with u that it shouldn't come to this and he should've been supportive and understanding from day 1 but if he's being an arse he hasn't left you with much other choice. Hope he gets the message soon op, you deserve better

That's awful, the first trimester was the absolute hardest for me!! I'm currently 33 weeks and it does honestly get better but I remember just crying every single day in the beginning stages thinking how am I feeling SO bad.

I think it's so hard for Men to understand and they never will. I can only sympathise with you right now as I know how tough it is for you!

He sounds like a knob and you deserved that mc Donald’s !

I felt exactly like you in early pregnancy and the last thing I could have delt with is some knob telling me to paint fences etc! Yes it hard for men to understand when you look pretty normal but that’s no excuse. I would definitely consider kicking him out and get your mum or a friend to help you. You need someone caring to bring you snacks you fancy and support whatever you feel like doing.