Feeling judged for wanting to know the gender

[LJEva]

With my first baby I found out that she was a little girl at the 20 week scan and I want to do the same this time around. I found it massively useful to bond with my baby to know whether it was a he or she... however a few of my friends have almost been horrified that I’ve wanted to know declaring “they just focussed on having a healthy baby” and it’s made me feel a bit judged and like my impatience somehow makes me less.

I don’t mind whether it’s a boy or a girl I’d love either but I just like the idea of being able to talk to it and picture it in my head.

Did anyone else feel this way?

I’m going to find out what we are having for the same reasons, I really don’t care what it is but I want to be able to call it a he or she and be better prepared when he/she arrives, I also think it gives the baby a bit of an identity rather than calling him/her an it. I had the same reaction from one of my friends, said ‘oh I didn’t find out with mine, I was more interested in having a healthy baby’

I just told her that finding out the gender doesn’t make any difference to wether or not the baby will be healthy so is a completely pointless statement. You do what you want and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Pregnancy is individual to every couple and nobody else’s business x

Not me as I didnt find out with my little boy but to hell with what your friends think. Why do people have an opinion on everything. It's your baby your choice. Dont listen to them. We almost found out as I wanted to be organised but changed our minds last minute. I'll be first to admit I was desperate for a boy. Health and happiness and all that but yes I wanted a boy and got one. Ignore them

X

Think it's the trend at the moment, as several colleagues are doing the same.

🤣🤣 sorry I got well carried away then. I've had some seriously judgemental friends in my time. Making negative comments about the miracle of life. Anyway I'll stop ranting. I'm due my first period since birth

Everyone is different, just because they did things differently it doesn't mean it's a better way..i would tell them that "i'm happy for them"..I had a harmony test at 10w and found out a week later..did same with my first, and comfortable with my decision - and of course i want a healthy baby (this one is the ivf, and had a mmc 2y ago)..ignore them.

Thank you so much ladies! I guess with that comment of just focusing on having a healthy baby hit a nerve with me... like somehow wanting to know the sex of the baby meant you cared more about that than it being healthy. It really is a silly phrase when I come to think of it and probably said without much thought as to how that comes across.

For me I had many losses years ago and didn’t think I could have babies so with my first I felt so disconnected throughout and just not wanting to get my hopes up that knowing she was a girl helped me to connect. I feel the same with this one even though I’m in a much more positive state of mind... I just want to picture him or her clearly and maybe even start calling them by their name.

The two aren't mutually exclusive, as they are suggesting. Just because you want to know what sex the baby is, doesn't mean you don't care if it's healthy! What a weird thing of your 'friend' to say!!

I'm 23 weeks and found out I'm having a little girl. I like being able to call her by her name.

I do feel strange when other people ask what we're thinking of calling her. I usually suggest a few things and say we've not decided for sure yet. I'm pretty sure, but don't want to 'un-name' her if we made a mistake, iyswim?

As a pp has said to hell with what anybody thinks! I haven't found out as I am extremely terrified of the birth so I'm just wanting that extra little surprise at the end and it's helping me!!

I mean ultimately doesn't everybody just wish for a healthy baby?? Honestly people can be such twits 🙄

i hate it when people make comments and don't think about how it comes across, It's such a personal choice you should do whatever you want to do! Majority of my friends have found out what they are having, I personally haven't because my partner didn't want to know but I certainly wouldn't judge anyone who found out. Xx

I was happy to find out, it made the shortlisting of names easier, and helped her brothers get used to the idea of their new sibling.

I don't understand this at all! Personally we don't want anyone else to know because lots of our relatives are the pink/blue brigade and we're more into rainbows and bright prints for all! So simply because we'd like gifts we'll use - we're not letting them know and forcing them towards vaguely gender neutral things, at least at first! But we are going to find out the gender just for us because, well, why not? Honestly how much difference does it make if you know at 10wks, 20wks or at 40wks - the gender is set at conception and you're going to find out so.. why does finding out earlier change anything? I truly don't understand. and if it cuts in half the number of arguments we have to have about names mores the better
Have a happy healthy rest of your pregnancy OP xx

I wanted to know the gender as it help make it feel more real to be able to say she or he. I honestly did not have a preference of girl or boy and not one for gendered stereotypes - we won't be repainting the blue office when it gets converted into the nursery for example.

I had a friend that really wanted to know whether she was having a girl or a boy as she's Italian and found it difficult to speak in Italian to family without being able to use the appropriate masculine /feminine verbs etc.

People want to know and don't want to know for so many personal reasons. Of course everyone wants a healthy baby and those that aren't that lucky also love their baby just as much.

Call me a pedant, but what you want to find out is your baby’s sex, not gender!
Sex is a physical reality, either male or female, fixed at conception. Gender is a load of stereotypical sexist nonsense spouted by the woke brigade.

I honestly find people like your friends so annoying. If you are so unbothered by what sex it is, then why not just find out so you're more knowledgeable and prepared? It's obviously the more practical option, I don't understand why people assume it must mean you are bothered which it is. To me, it seems to be putting more weight on the outcome to need it to be a magical moment at the time of birth. Not that that in itself is a problem, but I really don't see why it should be a problem the other way around.

My SIL is like this and they've still spent the second half of each pregnancy debating names for both sexes etc, and trying to guess which it's going to be. If you are genuinely not bothered, then why not just find out so you're not wasting your time wondering?

I know what you mean, OP. There is a certain type of person who thinks that there is a moral superiority in not finding out your baby's sex, as if it showed that you have greater self-control or patience. Obviously this is bobbins. Lots of people choose to find out their baby's sex, lots of people don't, and that personal choice is really nobody else's business.

@Babdoc for the vast majority of people sex and gender are congruent and certainly most of us assume they are from birth until a child is of an age to maybe correct us, so I think pulling the OP up on this when they've already said they're feeling judged is a little petty and necessary.

Bigger them. What they think about your preferences is irrelevant. If you want to find out the sex, that is up to you and if they are judging you for making a perfectly valid choice well then they're just twats.

I agree there is often an air of superiority in not finding out. I don't understand why, it's simply personal choice. I've experienced both and for me finding out was far more fun, it had no reflection on the value of my baby's health. Ignore them and do what works for you.

I only know one person who didn't find out with their two and this time around she's admitted she's desperate for a girl (she has a boy) and has already bought girls clothes! So the idea that if you find out you must obsessed with gender is a bit weird really.

I found out with both of mine (although second ended up still being a surprise as one scan said boy and one scan said girl!). I honestly couldn't give a fig what they were but I really enjoyed being able to call them their name and refer to "he" or "she". It kind of makes it more real! I don't think it's weird or wrong to want to find out at all. In fact, the only person I know irl with gender disappointment didn't find out during pregnancy so I don't think the two are linked. And of course you want a healthy baby but if all is well and you can find out the sex then why not?!

Bizarre.... how does finding out the sex have anything to do with whether you hope the baby is healthy or not??? It's not like you're having some invasive procedure that endangers the baby's health!

I think it's easier to find out, especially for a second one - it's probably easier to talk to your DD about it if you know whether it is a he/she so you don't get mixed up on pronouns, and even easier if you have a name pinned down so your DD can start to use it before baby arrives.

My 3yo DD keeps asking if we have found out yet. I think she's just under the impression that one day I will wake up and know.... (she's obviously not allowed to scans/appointments at the moment, so it's all mysterious to her)

It's nobody else's business whatsoever if you find out or not....each to their own. You don't need to justify or explain your decision either way

Gender is a load of stereotypical sexist nonsense spouted by the woke brigade.

Gender is a social construct but that doesn't mean it isn't real. Democracy, law, and money are all social constructs. Do they not exist either?

@PuntoEBasta

I know what you mean, OP. There is a certain type of person who thinks that there is a moral superiority in not finding out your baby's sex, as if it showed that you have greater self-control or patience. Obviously this is bobbins. Lots of people choose to find out their baby's sex, lots of people don't, and that personal choice is really nobody else's business.

That's it! The perfect phrase... 'moral superiority'...

I've always been a planner, I've also always been chastised for being impatient my whole life (however it's my impatience that's actually driven most of my success so I see it as a positive now)... I think it is that feeling of being looked down upon for not being able to wait like some child who is staring at a sweetie jar unable to resist...

As another poster said, the sex is decided at conception so what difference does it make whenever you find out. That's made me feel so much better all of you thank you! :)