Was it planned?

[Catslife123]

Just wondering how many people have had this question and how you react to it. Myself and DH are 32 but I suppose we look quite young and we’re not married. However, we’ve been together for 13 years, we live in a mortgaged house, we have one child already and both have professional jobs. I mention these things because we are seemingly living a ‘grown up’ life.

When I fell pregnant with DC1 (planned!) we had quite a lot of ‘were you planning on that?’ questions. I was always taken aback but answered ....yes

Now we are expecting DC2 and we are STILL getting those questions. My BIL even asked DH today. They don’t have a very close relationship and he just messaged after their phone call ‘that took me by surprise. Congratulations. Was it planned?’

Does this mean anything? Do we need to get a better answer to this? Stop finding it rude? It just seems such an incredibly odd and invasive thing to ask someone.

@Catslife123 I got a few of this in my first pregnancy..
However I am waiting for this if not worse in this one because we didn't plan to have anymore and it was simply a missed pill due to other worries and just being so preoccupied with my son that I missed it although I never recall missing it ever around when we had sex so who knows! And everyone would ask are you having anymore and the answer was always no or I'd like to but oh doesn't so we're not going to be trying etc.. well here I am 11 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday in expecting twins so I plan to keep it to ourselves as long as possible which is made easier by the fact we don't live near to any family and lockdown so no one has seen us etc. Because I'm really not looking forward to the judgement for the fact it's not just one baby! Now although my oh wasn't keen on having anymore (he already had child from previous relationship) he has noticed I've been withdrawn from life since my scan yesterday still in shock I think and full of worry but he's just said he absolutely stands by me 100% and that we will be ok. So my family will be told to jog on because actually it's non of their god damn business if it's a planned pregnancy or not just as my midwife said when she asked at the booking In app she said it makes no difference and she's not sure why it's even a question they is asked! It's between you and your partner.. sorry for lengthy post 🤦🏼‍♀️ congratulations on your pregnancy and everyone feeling the need to ask can get stuffed IMO xx

I'm expecting my third and this is the only time I've been asked this question. I find it rude but I don't think people ask it to be rude, i feel like they dont realise it can seem offensive. The first person to ask was my MIL but i absolutely know she didnt ask to be rude. She was crying with happiness when we told her. So when other people asked me after her, I didnt take offense and just said that yes, it was very much planned.

As someone that never had children in their plans, when we fell pregnant (it was planned as we changed our minds) I had that question EVERY SINGLE TIME I told someone I was pregnant.
It got really boring really fast. I just answered yes and they quickly went on to the next question!
🥱 🥱 🥱

Why do you refer to your brother in law and your dearest husband if you aren’t married? I guess it’s the not being married thing, I too had been with my husband for 10 years, had got engaged, bought a house and decided to try for a baby before the wedding as it was 18 months away and we were already 31. My mother in law asked if it was planned. When we had our second child 18 months later and less than a year after our wedding no such questions were asked. Funnily the second wasn’t planned, it was the result of ovulating late when I was breastfeeding the first child, granted only 6 months earlier than we were intending on trying again anyway.

YUP 🙋‍♀️

I got asked a few times if my first born was planned . I was 35, married , owned a house , we both had careers 🤷‍♀️

I’m now 17 weeks pregnant with baby number two ( my first born is 15 months ) and I’ve had a few people ask if this one was an oops because they are so close in age . I don’t think they will be that close in age . Also , totally planned but so rude for anyone to even ask . Who cares if he/she was an oops . Like what the hell !

I have! Similarly 'grown up' life - been together 10 years, married, house, in 30s.

Took me by surprise when they asked this! I don't really get why they'd ask, baby was planned but if it wasn't why would that matter- seemed a v odd question to me to ask.

I was married for 4 months and was lucky to fall pregnant. We are in our mid 30s and still had a few 'was it planned'. Some people just ask, it's super weird though I think!! I also had a few 'are you pleased' comments, also a bit odd.

I’ve had this question asked a lot too OP and I’m in a similar situation. I am 29, we have been together 5 years, engaged, own our own home and have a happy life together. I don’t live in the UK and have more legal protection than I understand unmarried British Mother’s have too if I choose to give up work and stay at home (which I wouldn’t anyway, I have a degree that I use and a job I enjoy!)
To their credit, both sets of grandparents to be have never even vaguely enquires about whether it was planned.

@catslife123 my husband and I got this too, we have chosen to have our second after 9 and a half years. This was totally our decision to wait this long and my god do people have an opinion. I'm due in 7 days and I still get people asking me if it was planned. Our first wasn't planned but I find it really awkward when people ask haha...like did you plan to have sex 😂😂 anyhow I just answer with a polite wow that's a bit deep but yes we did! I just don't understand why you would ask anyone lol! Good luck! X

Am expecting a lot of this once we reveal the pregnancy, kinda dreading it tbh. I think a pp's suggestion of "oof, bit personal, but yes it was planned" is a good one.

It may be the unmarried thing that throws people off. We’ve got friends who are expecting DC1 - own home, early 30s, together 5yrs+ but I was surprised when I found out they were expecting as they’re not married. Not to say that people need to be married at all but everyone in our uni educated/professional/City jobs circle who has had a baby has been, so in my head I was expecting proposal news next rather than a pregnancy. But I wouldn’t dream of asking them! It’s beyond rude.

I think, for me, I’d be inclined to dismiss it with a shake of the head and ‘what a strange thing to ask!’ and then not respond. They need to know it’s not acceptable to ask the question.

We’ve been together 10 years and not married and we have had this question all the time - it’s annoying !

Not had this question, but then we had a MC last Autumn so I guess no one was surprised when we told them this time around. Pre-MC though and for the last 5 years at least we did often get the "but don't you want kids?" question which is another one I hate. (Together 15 years, married for 2, mid thirties, stable life).

After the birth of my first child I was quite vocal about the fact I didn't want another - particularly at work as we are a very straight talking honest team! Over the last couple of years I had started to think a sibling for my daughter would be nice - and I alluded to this a couple of times.

However, it was a shock when we discovered I was pregnant in January and when I told work I sort of preempted the question by saying 'it's a happy surprise'.

I am cautious about who I say this to though - I know of four colleagues who have really struggled to conceive and it would be insensitive for me to rub it in.

My reply would be "well we were having lots of unprotected sex so I'll let you decide" that would shut them up!

First time mum here, I find it rude and usually try and knock it down with something quick witted!

I keep being asked this too and I find it a bit rude. Granted I am 25 weeks pregnant and our other DC are 14 and 9 but don't see why people need to know. This pregnancy was very much planned after a health scare for me last year but don't feel I should have to explain it everytime. I tend to just smile through gritted teeth and say 'yes it was' .

We've been asked this a few times, I think because we've always made it clear to people that we weren't bothered about having children. It doesn't bother me being asked particularly, although I wouldn't ask the same question of other people.

Yes, I have referred to my DP as DH and DP’s brother as BIL. I often use them on here as a way to help anonymity. I only realised after that I’d done that and knew some people would pick up on it and not be best pleased!

It’s interesting that even married people have had experience of it and that so many people know that it’s a bit rude to ask. I think I’m less bothered by casual acquaintances or if it was a very very close friend. The question from partner’s brother seems like a strange pry and we can’t help but feel a bit of judgement from the question too!

As though the inference is it shoudn’t have been planned

I got that question I don't know why people feel they can ask that kind of thing.
My first wasn't planned, second was

Yes I got asked this, by DH's family members and also by my boss

I said yes it was but I wish I'd have refused to answer or said something else, but I thought if I did that they would assume it wasn't planned and judge me. I feel awful saying that because I absolutely wouldn't judge anyone with an unplanned pregnancy but that's how I felt.

It is such an impertinent question. Remember just because someone is rude enough to ask doesn’t mean they deserve an answer. In fact if you answer it you are rewarding their rudeness.

So either just completely ignore it - which might baffle them and make them look ridiculous if they repeat it, or address the rudeness of the question directly. Whatever you do, don’t provide a waffle or defensive answer.

Yes I've had it with all of mine. I find it bizarre but I don't think people ask it to be rude I think it's one of those things that seems to be acceptable to do with pregnant women! Like people who say oh my God your so massive are you sure it's not twins, or people that randomly touch /rub your belly.(I don't find this ok either ) I've just started to smile sweetly and yes it was planned thank you for asking.

I'm married, mortgage, 30,good career and got asked several times. I just replied with, 'that's a bit personal isnt it? But yes it was!'