Hubby & family gender disappointment!

[SassyPants87]

Hi all

I think I just need to rant because I'm pissed off! My husband really wanted a boy but we found out we're having a girl. Which I'm thrilled about as I didn't care what we had. But he just couldn't hide his disappointment! You could see he was trying to come to terms with it!
He said it's because he wouldn't know what to do with a girl, who would he play footy with etc and I said he can do all of those things with a girl!
He also said if we had a boy first it wouldn't have mattered what the next one was!!!
I am of indian heritage where it's traditional to want the first born to be a boy (god knows why).
And then when I told our parents I got 'ahhhh the next one can be a boy'

I LOST MY SHIT! And told them I wouldn't be having any more kids! Lol

They all apologised to me and said as long as the baby is healthy that's all that matters but now I can't help but feel everyone's initial reaction has made me feel shit! I know this baby isn't unwanted and everyone will love her unconditionally. But it's just ruining the experience for me now :(

I don't know if anyone has experienced similar, just struggling to let it go

[dueindecember10]

Am so sorry you are going through this. My husband was exactly the same both pregnancies. There is a happy ending to our story though. I have 2 girls and my husband is the most amazing Dad. He has found his groove and his "thing" is sport and cooking with the kids. They have such a close bond and we both say that we wouldn't have things any other way. My kids have the most amazing bond and we love our little family unit.

I'm sorry that this probably won't reassure you but I promise you it will be ok.

[userabcname]

I'm so sorry OP, how horrible of them! I'd be furious too. They do know you could have 10 children and all of them could be girls, right?! Might be worth pointing that one out!

[Indigogirl88]

Oh op I'm the same, my dp took a while to accept girl. I'm a first time mum and 22 weeks....there was no hiding his disappointment. I'm just glad I told him now rather than finding out at the birth. I'm not even of Indian heritage, it happens all over. However I'm a family of girls and I'm really close with my dad, we did things like music together which helped our bond!

[Croquemonsieur]

I was perfectly pleased to be having a boy, — which I knew would be my only child — but every one of my female ILs assumed I shared their desperate disappointment about Ickle frocks and shoppingwas just being brave, because they had each had multiple boys before conceiving a much-wanted girl.

It was incredibly irritating. I also eventually lost my temper.

[ProudMarys]

My dad really wanted a boy and my mum had a seemingly heathly pregnancy and gave birth to a girl full term. Unfortunately she died a week later due to heath conditions. Obviously they were so devastated. It must of put things into perspective for him. It was only until the 4th baby he said he would like a son but obviously Im with just a heathly baby. He got another girl btw We are all grown now and he says he loves being dad to all girls and is quite proud. He played football with some of us and rough play too (two of us were more like that, but two not)

[Hatscats]

Good on you, I’d have lost my shit too.

Your little girl can do all that a man can, she’ll show them 😀

[FulfilledRemit]

I get the same but the other way around as I have two sons. Constantly get told by wider family that I'm missing out on so much, it's a terrible thing to be a mother of only sons, that I'd be soooo much closer to a daughter and when I'm old no-one will look after me. In short that I might as well not have bothered. My SIL is having a girl (her first) now and they are all so excited about that and that "at last! A girl grandchild!".

[Florencenotflo]

I have 2 DD's I was excited to have a girl with my first but a little worried. I have brothers and all male cousins, I grew up playing rugby and army games. We used to wrestle and play fight (until someone lost a tooth, then it was banned). So when I found out I was having a girl I was a little worried!

Dd loves barbie and pink and dressing up and Disney princesses. You know what, she also loves her trampoline, playing football, playing silly rough and tumble games with DH, she loves swimming and the beach is her favourite place.

Your DH would do well to remember you are having a baby, it doesn't really matter what sex they are, their interests are shaped by what you do and what you like, regardless of whether they are a boy or girl.

[Lockdownlover]

I can imagine it’s super frustrating for you. Gender disappointment is something that can happen for men and women. I had always envisioned having a girl, I had her name picked out, I had imagined what she’d look like, be like. Then I found out I was pregnant with ds1 and I was in shock. I cried (secretly) for a few days and although my husband could tell something was wrong, I just couldn’t admit out loud that I was disappointed. I felt such guilt and shame for not just being grateful. I was mourning a life with a child that never had even existed. Fast forward a couple of years and I now have 2 sons. They are the most delightful and lovely boys and I would not change them for the world. They are sweet, funny and my heart swells with pride when I think of them. All I’m saying is, go easy on your husband. He imagined a life with a boy first. You said he couldn’t hide his disappointment and you could tell he was trying to come to terms with it. That shows that he was trying at least to hide it as he didn’t necessarily want to feel this way. Sometimes people can’t help how they feel but given a bit of time and space, will come to the realisation that they’re being silly.

[Erictheavocado]

Oh, OP, I feel for you. I spent the whole time in both pregnancies hearing my mum and MIL go on and on about how much they hoped I would have a girl. Bearing in mind that by the time dc1 came along, I'd already had several miscarriages, that both pregnancies were difficult and I spent months in hospital each time, you would have thought they'd be pleased to know that a healthy baby was coming. Back then, we weren't told what we were having, so imagine how my poor dog felt when he phoned each of our mums to let them know that as had arrived safely and we were all fine, only to have it made very clear how disappointed each of them were that I'd produced a boy! My mum never did get the longed for girl - ds2 followed and then my sister also had only boys. She soon realised how wonderful little boy's can be and she loves all her, now grown up, grandsons (and her baby great grandson) dearly. MIL, sadly has never been more than indifferent towards ds1 and then ds2, preferring to wait and shower her affection in to the granddaughter who finally arrived courtesy of BIL and SIL a few years after my two boys.
I understand how you must feel, but I would define having words with your Dh. FWIW, neither of my boys wanted to play football but that didn't stop Dh doing things with them as children and they get along brilliantly as adults. There will be lots and lots of things your Dh can do with a girl - including football!
Congratulations on your baby girl.

[RubaiyatOfAnyone]

I LOST MY SHIT!

Excellent, that cheered me up. These threads almost always go “and it made me feel terrible but I didn’t like to say anything so i’ve been silently seething for 3 years since that conversation...”
Well done, OP. With you as a role model your little girl will do whatever she wants to, and your families will drop any ideas of “should” once they meet the real “her”, rather than any hypothetical child.

[Lemonpink88]

Op we have similar going on here, well I’m due v soon, haven’t found out sex. My first is a boy & my goodness have I had it rammed down my throat that I better be having a girl this time from my husbands family, and my own parents a little. My DH is quiet but I know he wants a girl too.
You lose your shit girl. It’s infuriating I hear you. As long as you & baby are healthy it’s 2020 for gods sake.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I don’t think your husband is wrong as such- god knows I support enough women on mn who have gender disappointment. He will get over it and be obsessed with his little girl.
As for his family they can shut the hell up and mind their business. A family member should hush and congratulate on the baby, the sex, the name- keep all opinions to themselves!

[Itsallgonewoowoo]

I had 2 boys much to MILs sadness. I was perfectly happy but then fell pregnant unplanned and kept it. She was a lively girl, sadly for MIL she hates pink, dresses, ribbons, Disney and basically anything my MIL wanted to bond over.
Also I've lost count of the people who comment that I 'finally got my girl', as if my boys weren't quite enough for me.

[bluebluezoo]

Make them all watch Bend it like Beckham on repeat until they get the message :)

[dreamingofyellowandnavy]

I am experiencing this. My first two were boys. We have had a surprise third pregnancy and it is a girl. MIL has always wanted girls. First boy got a new born outfit set in the sale. Middle boy got nothing and now the girl who is due in September has been bought lots of clothes. I'm so sad about it, I can't put my finger on it. As my middle boy is just the sweetness child you could wish for. So clever and loving. She was very disappointed with the second being a boy but in all honesty, if someone had said what do you wish for, I'd of said a boy. I'm happy to be having a girl next to just have a change; that it really! People are always saying: oh a girl, you must be delighted. I just think people are shallow and you can't change that. People's reaction don't leave you!

[worstwitch18]

SassyPants87 Congratulations on your daughter!

I hope everyone else you tell has a more positive reaction. You are right to have been irritated by your family's reaction. I hope they will all be as excited as you are by the time your little girl is here.

[diddl]

"I don’t think your husband is wrong as such- god knows I support enough women on mn who have gender disappointment."

I wonder if he stopped to think though-is he himself actually disappointed, or has he been sucked in the tradition/culture of boys being wanted first?

What is so important about a boy first?-are they historically more valued?

You're more of a man if you've fathered a boy?

There's an estate involved that only a boy can inherit??

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

What is so important about a boy first?-are they historically more valued? generally consensus is in the Western world girls are the preferred choice and in other cultures it’s boys.

[SassyPants87]

Hi all

Thank you for your responses it's definitely made me feel a lot better knowing that many of you have been in similar situations.

Like I said, I set it straight with them but it just left me feeling a bit crap about it. I've said my piece and now I've just got to be in my merry old way looking after this precious baby

@diddl it's a bit of both. He was firstly saying he'd imagined having a boy and all the things he'd do with him and then it was a bit of a cultural thing around how a boy will carry on the family name (major eye roll)

I know everyone will be fine with baby girl! It was just putting a dampener on things for me as I wasn't hearing the things I wanted to/ should be hearing.

[WhatWouldPennyDo]

Sorry to hear their reactions @SassyPants87. If he doesn’t get over it sharpish, perhaps remind him that it’s the sperm that determines the sex so he shouldn’t be too upset by his own contribution

I normally stay away from posts like this. I can’t get my head around being upset by what you get - if you’re lucky, you get a healthy baby who, if you’re even luckier, will become a healthy person in their own right. What could be more wonderful than that?

[mrs87]

Pregnant with my first, we don't know the sex and aren't finding out! My mum only had girls (my sister and I) and categorically says she does not like boys and "wouldn't know what she would have done" if one of us turned out to be a boy. Ridiculous. My sister was the first to have a baby and she has a little girl - who is my mum's absolute world and thinks she is utter perfection (she is, of course). My mum has said she hopes ours is a girl too as she wouldn't know what to do with a grandson, and when I challenge her she says of course she wouldn't mind really and would still love him... But I know she would be disappointed. When she speaks about our future baby, she naturally says "she". Drives me mad! And I worry that it we do have a boy he will never measure up to her granddaughter.

I'm so glad you lost your shit! On behalf of us all 😂 Girls and boys can do whatever they want, as a PP said they are shaped by you and your likes and interests.

[sel2223]

Hi OP, i remember starting a very similar thread when we found out we were having our DD.
OH had convinced himself it was a boy and i remember ow I felt when I saw the flicker of disappointment on his face when the sonographer said it was a girl.
We then had a blazing row when we got home and he stormed off out for a few hours. I was so angry.....like literally ready to pack my bags kind of angry.

He came back 2 or 3 hours later very sheepish, and full of apologies. We talked a lot and he couldn't really explain his reaction but he accepted he was totally in the wrong.

I held a grudge about it for quite a while afterwards and still get annoyed about how he ruined that special moment of us finding out the sex together but, ultimately, we got over it.

I'm 30 weeks now and it is amazing to see him bonding with her and talking about her/to her. He's so excited to be having a daughter now. We talk about names and what she will be like....will she be a tomboy like i was loving football and dinosaurs or will she be a 'girly girl' who loves all things pink and princessy like my sister was. To see him now, you wouldn't believe he could have reacted like that 14 weeks ago.

[sel2223]

*how not 'other woman' lol

[Cherryrainbow]

Hey hun my aunt had a similarish experience - she was early 40s when she had my youngest cousin, so she knew this would be the one baby. Her husband who is Indian and his whole family were pretty much all it's going to be a boy! And didn't hide their disappointment at the time that it was a girl and my aunt was depressed for some time, I think she felt guilty.

My cousin is now late teens and you would never even know there was any issue, they've raised a great little lady, my uncle was very involved and though she's very girly she still got to do some of the things he considered boyish like gaming, sports, and now she's bonding with him over cars now she is learning to drive x