Pregnant and boyfriend doesn’t want children

[Bellsie11]

Hi there

This is my first post and I’ve come on here because I don’t know where else to turn. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years and we’ve been incredibly happy during this time. He was married before, no kids but the divorce has scarred him quite badly, even though he won’t admit it. During his marriage they tried for children unsuccessfully and eventually she left him for another guy, has now remarried and has a baby. He got it in his head he must have been infertile.

It wasn’t until a couple of years into our relationship we had the ‘children’ talk and I was surprised to learn he said he didn’t want any, especially knowing what I did about him and his ex trying. I had always thought I’d wanted children but had never been at the stage in my life where I really sat down and thought about it properly and had never actively tried to get pregnant. I always thought I liked the idea of a baby but maybe not the reality. After a lot of soul searching, I decided to remain in the relationship because ultimately I would rather be with him and have no children than be with someone else and have children.

So life has continued and been really good. Holidays 3 times a year, out for meals when we want, drinks when we want and even the cinema etc. Total freedom and a financial security I’ve come to realise I value a lot in life.

I’ve been on the combined pill for the best part of 17 years and never had any issues until last year. All of a sudden my bleed never came in my pill free week, my cycle was all over the place and sometimes was over 50 days long. I carried on taking the pill as normal and my GP said sometimes this happens when you’ve been on the pill for so long. Not sure if this has happened to anyone else? Anyway, I had tests to be sure nothing sinister was going on and just continued as I was. Tests were fine and things seemed to return to normal. Lockdown happened and routine went out the window, I took part in many a Zoom quiz, have been ridiculously drunk, been sick and possibly missed a couple of pills all of which I’ve done before with no issue, only this time my slip up has resulted in pregnancy.

I couldn’t believe it when I saw the positive result. I was in complete shock and cried and cried and cried. Due to the issues with my periods I’d taken tests and been so used to them being negative, I genuinely never gave it a second thought that I could be pregnant. Telling him was so hard as I knew this is something he doesn’t want.

He was great tbh and was very supportive, didn’t react in the way I expected, although he was shocked, and never put blame on me even though I feel guilty like it’s my fault I’ve been neglectful. He has said it’s my decision and he won’t be a prick and leave me, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how I feel about the pregnancy but I also don’t think I could terminate. I think of all the things I value in life which I’ll lose but then I also think it could be great? He has said he doesn’t want kids and that hasn’t changed but he wouldn’t leave me, which is my biggest fear. I’m scared that by making the choice to continue the pregnancy, I effectively choose to lose him. I couldn’t bear losing him. I’m also scared that I choose to terminate and then I can’t live with myself.

Truth is, I don’t know if I want a baby or not and I am so scared of making the wrong decision. And would he always remain a reluctant father or is there a chance he could soften? I’m also afraid he supports me to begin with and then the relationship eventually breaks down as a baby isn’t what he wants.

Has anyone been in this situation before? I feel so alone.

I'd always choose my child over a man, any man. You only think 'I can't lose him' because you don't have children, believe me, that changes immediately. I wouldn't terminate. He's a boyfriend, you're not even married to him, he could just walk away at any moment. You're making this all about him, him, him, his feelings, his wants. If he really didn't want kids, ever, he'd have had himself sterilised and used a condom every single time until he got the all-clear. What about YOU? You don't think you could terminate, so don't.

Not been in your situation but by the sounds of it I think he will come around to the idea. He had convinced himself he was infertile and didn't want children, probably a defensive thing because ex-wife had a baby with somebody else. Lots of emotional pain for him I imagine which he has dealt with in his own way.

But I think it'll be a very healing journey for him. Because from what you've said, he probably does want a child, but has let the past and his belief he is infertlle to make a decision based on protecting himself.

You need to talk to someone impartial and professional. Because it sounds like you might want a child or might not want a child. Not wanting to terminate isn't a great reason to bring another human into the world, especially with a partner who doesn't want children. However, I think it's possible you actually want children (and he might too) and you've both convinced yourselves otherwise.

There is always the incredibly hard and extremely unusual route of having the child and giving them up. No termination, and it gives you both the chance to change your minds.

Either way, counselling for both of you.

Truth is, I don’t know if I want a baby or not and I am so scared of making the wrong decision.

This is what you need to figure out first, what YOU want.

I always think that if you're not sure if you want a baby or not then you don't. I had one because I got pregnant accidentally, had him and realised with horror motherhood was not for me at all and there I was stuck with it for the next 18 years.
Of course I tried to be a good mum but i wasn't happy and I think my life could have been so much better without.

Step by step @Bellsie11

1. What do you want to do? Take some time and make a decision you feel you can commit to. This is one of those situations where there is no perfect answer...but what feels more comfortable to you: A) I didn’t plan this, don’t want to do this and even though I hate the idea of termination it might be right for me, just now...or B) I didn’t plan this, but now that I am pregnant I want to commit to having this child even though things might be difficult...

1. When you’ve decided, let him know what you are doing. But if you are deciding to have the child he needs to make a decision whether to be in this with you as a supportive co-parent...you don’t want to feel like you are dragging a reluctant sperm donor on a journey -pregnancy and the early days of parenting are hard enough.

Hi OP, it’s really good that he hasn’t put any pressure on you and sounds like he reacted really well.

Have you thought about talking to friends that have children about how they feel towards their kids? The pros and cons? What’s he like around children?

My situation isn’t the same, but, when I met my current OH, one of my first questions was ‘do you want children?’ I always ask early as if they say no I don’t waste my time - I’ve always known I want children. Anyway, my OH’s response was something along the lines of kids have never been a thought for him, he just assumed he wouldn’t have them, he was stepdad to an ex’s child for about 7 years and never thought of having his own, and eventually he settled on ‘I’m not against the idea though’. And so we continued, just celebrated our three year anniversary and after casually TTC for a year I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again (MC in Feb). Whilst he’s not currently showing any signs of excitement - I don’t expect him to as that’s not really in his nature and also I don’t think until it’s here he’ll be excited - but I know when the baby arrives he will be a wonderful Dad and I know how much he will love it, because that is in his nature.

Thank you for all your responses, some helpful comments and suggestions. I just don’t know what I want and don’t know how to figure it out and feel under pressure to make a decision by the time ticking away. I always thought if you ever got pregnant you’d instantly know what to do but I don’t.

If he was so determined not to produce a child... ✂️

Don’t make a decision based on his thoughts and feelings alone. What do you want? Do you want to have a baby now?
You are pregnant so it’s not hypothetical anymore. Equally you can decide you don’t want a baby.

But it has to be your decision - if you decide not to continue because of your boyfriend it could cause irreparable issues down the line if actually it is what you want.

Are you horrified or secretly excited by the prospect of a baby? I know when I wasn’t sure someone asked if I started to miscarry how would I feel - relieved or upset. That helped me reach a decision, although that’s not the same for everyone.

Hi OP!
My situation isn't exactly the same but I'll briefly summarise.
Been with DH 9 years and married for nearly 4 (I'm 35 and he's 37).
Both didn't want children at all, conversation had again before we got married just to make sure we were both on the same page.
3 years later I changed my mind! DH did not.
Last year was difficult for our relationship as he just said no to children. I accepted this as I didn't want to lose my DH over something I never had, so I get your point in that regard.
Eventually he changed his mind and I'm now 23 weeks pregnant.
Even when i found out I was pregnant there was no excitement from him at all. In some ways I felt like I'd trapped him!
Then around 4 weeks ago he just randomly came up to me and told me how excited he was (albeit terrified!) to be a Daddy! It was a beautiful moment for us both.
In your circumstances I think your DP just needs time. Clearly he wanted children at some point with his ex and I think it's very hard for that sort of feeling to just go away.
He sounds very emotionally scarred from what's gone on in his life and it's quite clear that you want children but doubting yourself through fear of what your partner thinks/wants.
It is about what you want, as it is your body, but I also think it's very admirable that you are considering your DP as it is his baby too and he is entitled to have a say.
If you decide to continue with your pregnancy, i do truly believe that he will start to get excited about being a Daddy and once your little bundle is put in his arms, his perspective on life will change in an instant.
Communication is key with both of you and I do hope you move forward with whatever decision you both make together.

Thank you @lockdownpregnancy
Out of all the replies, your story resonates with me the most. I am hopeful that deep down my partner will end up feeling the same as your husband did. I just can’t believe that he was willing to risk having children previously if he always knew he didn’t want them to then change his mind so fully.

I know men struggle with change more than women do and we both have incredibly supportive families. He’s worried he wouldn’t be able to hide his feelings when people congratulate him on the pregnancy and ask if he’s excited. Did your husband feel the same?

Hi, I just want to say thank you for all the stories on this thread, they are really helping me. My situation is not exactly the same in that me and my partner both want children but, he especially, is not ready yet and hasn't reacted too well since we found out I'm pregnant. I am remaining hopeful that he will become more excited as time goes on and its really encouraging to hear some women have found this happen with their partners. I too would rather not have this baby if it meant losing my partner but personally I do not want to terminate so feel like I'm stuck in a really tricky position with time running out!
@Bellsie11 I really hope you manage to work out whats best for you both x

Thanks @PinkBlossom22
For what it’s worth, it sounds to me he’s just in shock and will come round. Especially as he wants children, probably just wasn’t expecting it now. X

@Bellsie11 to be honest we haven't seen anyone, as we announced the pregnancy to close friends and family after lockdown happened, so whilst he was pleased to announce the baby to our nearest and dearest he hasn't seen anyone else to tell them (work colleagues etc)
We didn't announce until we were 12 weeks pregnant and had our initial scan, though our parents knew before hand, as we told them a little earlier on.
I think in one respect being on lockdown and having so much time together to talk and just let everything sink in has really helped him.
I think sometimes with everyday life you can just bury your head in the sand and pretend like it's not happening, by going to work, going out etc. In this current situation (obviously don't know if you are both working or not) he's going to have to face this head on and he can't really run away from any of it.
How long has it been since you found out and have you spoken to each other since about it?

@lockdownpregnancy
We only found out on Saturday and I’m guessing I’m about 5-7 weeks based on my last period. He’s asked a lot of questions about when it could have happened etc and I think he’s struggling to understand how’s its happened when I’m on the pill. I’ve had to be honest and say I was sick and never thought anything of it and with routine being completely out of pot, it’s likely I probably have missed a pill or two.
We have spoken about it since and his thoughts haven’t changed but I guess it is still very early days and he’s still probably in shock. I know I am. I also haven’t indicated which way I’m leaning towards so think he’s just respecting the time I need to process everything. He’s been very good, constantly showing me affection, asking how I am and almost being a bit clingy if that makes sense? Like leaving for work and asking for a kiss, when last week he would just shout bye as he closed the door! We are both still working, me from home but he is self-employed so working but also on his own with his thoughts.

Well the fact he's gone from just shouting bye to being more affectionate is a good sign in my book.
I would definitely speak to him again about it all. Maybe at the weekend when you both have some time and work doesn't get in the way?
Clear the air and get a way to move forward. You need to tell him what you want and ask him what he wants. Fingers crossed you are both on the same page. You never know, he may surprise you! 🤞

@lockdownpregnancy
I’m scared we’re not 😭

Well you're going to have to have the conversation whether you it or not I'm afraid my lovely!
Sooner you do it, the sooner you know where you stand.
If you want to keep the baby, do you really believe in your heart, he will want you to get rid of it?

From reading your post I’d think that maybe he convinced himself he didn’t want children to deal with the fact that he didn’t conceive with Ex wife. How are you feeling OP? What do YOU want

@lockdownpregnancy
I know we are and tbh, he probably knows deep down what I’m going to say.

@howlatthetrees
I want both. I want him and the baby and I want a happy ever after, however unrealistic that may feel right now. I want to be hopeful that if I go ahead, in time he will come round to the idea.

I don't want to be a negative Nancy but if he's said he doesn't want kids don't expect him to change his mind. My ex said he didn't want kids, then said he was scared and it just needed to happen for him to be okay with it, then had no excitement throughout my entire pregnancy, then nothing changed for him once our son was born and then he left 15 months later stating he never wanted our son in the first place.

Prepare to go it alone if you decide to keep the baby, men don't change their minds ime

@TeddyBeans
I hear what you’re saying but even though he was actively trying with his ex-wife? I don’t understand how you go from wanting them to the point of TTC to not wanting them at all?

Who knows. Men's minds are something I do my very best to avoid. There's no logic to some of their thought processes

Even in the happiest relationships and both wanting children, one of the parents can leave after baby is born, regardless of the predicament you are currently in OP.
My parents wanted me and my brother and then my 'father' buggered off after 3 years anyway!
You cannot live life on the 'what if's' otherwise you would never do anything ever!
This will make or break your relationship, there is no in between in my opinion.
Have the chat and then go from there, otherwise you're going to drive yourself mad! Do let us know how you get on!