Hi there
This is my first post and I’ve come on here because I don’t know where else to turn. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years and we’ve been incredibly happy during this time. He was married before, no kids but the divorce has scarred him quite badly, even though he won’t admit it. During his marriage they tried for children unsuccessfully and eventually she left him for another guy, has now remarried and has a baby. He got it in his head he must have been infertile.
It wasn’t until a couple of years into our relationship we had the ‘children’ talk and I was surprised to learn he said he didn’t want any, especially knowing what I did about him and his ex trying. I had always thought I’d wanted children but had never been at the stage in my life where I really sat down and thought about it properly and had never actively tried to get pregnant. I always thought I liked the idea of a baby but maybe not the reality. After a lot of soul searching, I decided to remain in the relationship because ultimately I would rather be with him and have no children than be with someone else and have children.
So life has continued and been really good. Holidays 3 times a year, out for meals when we want, drinks when we want and even the cinema etc. Total freedom and a financial security I’ve come to realise I value a lot in life.
I’ve been on the combined pill for the best part of 17 years and never had any issues until last year. All of a sudden my bleed never came in my pill free week, my cycle was all over the place and sometimes was over 50 days long. I carried on taking the pill as normal and my GP said sometimes this happens when you’ve been on the pill for so long. Not sure if this has happened to anyone else? Anyway, I had tests to be sure nothing sinister was going on and just continued as I was. Tests were fine and things seemed to return to normal. Lockdown happened and routine went out the window, I took part in many a Zoom quiz, have been ridiculously drunk, been sick and possibly missed a couple of pills all of which I’ve done before with no issue, only this time my slip up has resulted in pregnancy.
I couldn’t believe it when I saw the positive result. I was in complete shock and cried and cried and cried. Due to the issues with my periods I’d taken tests and been so used to them being negative, I genuinely never gave it a second thought that I could be pregnant. Telling him was so hard as I knew this is something he doesn’t want.
He was great tbh and was very supportive, didn’t react in the way I expected, although he was shocked, and never put blame on me even though I feel guilty like it’s my fault I’ve been neglectful. He has said it’s my decision and he won’t be a prick and leave me, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how I feel about the pregnancy but I also don’t think I could terminate. I think of all the things I value in life which I’ll lose but then I also think it could be great? He has said he doesn’t want kids and that hasn’t changed but he wouldn’t leave me, which is my biggest fear. I’m scared that by making the choice to continue the pregnancy, I effectively choose to lose him. I couldn’t bear losing him. I’m also scared that I choose to terminate and then I can’t live with myself.
Truth is, I don’t know if I want a baby or not and I am so scared of making the wrong decision. And would he always remain a reluctant father or is there a chance he could soften? I’m also afraid he supports me to begin with and then the relationship eventually breaks down as a baby isn’t what he wants.
Has anyone been in this situation before? I feel so alone.