Unhappy partners...

[PinkBlossom22]

Hi, wanted to start a thread for anyone who is feeling a bit conflicted by their pregnancy as their partner is not very happy about it. I'm in the same situation and don't know what to do... obviously everyone is different but has anyone got any advice on how they dealt with it? or if anyone just needs to talk it out, I'm happy to listen :)

I had 3 positives yesterday and haven’t told my OH yet.
Only used a cheapie so going to buy CB digital today - just so I know for sure and it’s not my body and eyes playing tricks on me.
Once I’ve tested I’m going to tell him and I think initially he will be shocked and not 100% thrilled.
So I’m sure I will be back on this thread this eve.
Hope you’re okay x

@Chicken123 nice to hear from you! I had an inkling before I took the test but waited to do it with my OH. I knew he'd be shocked but 3 weeks later he still isn't very happy about it. it's very hard. let me know how you get on this eve :) x

When you say "he's not very happy about it" what do you mean exactly? As particularly if it's your first, it can take men much longer to get their head around it because they're not carrying the baby and initially you don't look any different. He might also be worried about losing baby (1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage) so doesn't want to get excited at this early stage. For what it's worth I found the first trimester the hardest as I didn't have many symptoms and felt like I was carrying around this secret that I couldn't share whereas once you become visibly pregnant it gets easier for everyone. Even when the baby is here it'll still take some getting used to before it feels really real.

If it's not your/his first and/or there are other circumstances at play, then I'm sorry and do ignore.

Hi.
My DH wants me to have a termination. 😭
This would be our 4th dc and was unplanned.
I don't know what to do. We can't even look at each other at the moment.

I completely understand all the reasons and agree but emotionally I'm thinking of our little baby.
It's terrible at the moment.

@Cardboard33 hi, yes this is our first. I always knew with an unplanned pregnancy it would take some time to get on board with it but he is still so angry with the situation, feels out of control and says he isn't ready. its very difficult to suppress any excitement I feel about it and I'm constantly thinking what can I do to make it better... but theres only 1 answer which I don't want to do.

@grumpy19 my OH has asked me too, but I don't understand why we would just because its a few years earlier than we thought. we are the same, awkward silences and even awkwarder conversations. I know exactly what you're going through, sending you lots of love

I'm 29 weeks pregnant (unplanned) and my OH wasn't happy at first, I was fully preparing myself to be a single mum! He still has his moments, he opened up that it was hard as he didn't feel listened to & that his opinion didn't matter when we found out. Now he says it's strange as he isn't the one experiencing the pregnancy and it won't feel real until she's here. He tries his best though and that's all I can ask for given the circumstances, we are very much in it together, choosing a name together etc, I think a lot of men don't have the "maternal instinct" that we get!

I hope your OH gets his head around the idea soon so that you can enjoy your pregnancy together

I have just booked an appointment with Marie Stopes. Crying in my room!
I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my husband so our marriage is probably screwed now either way but I can't raise 4 children alone. (Especially on my crap wage)

@grumpy19 oh I’m so sorry to hear this. Have you tried speaking with BPAS, they helped me and gave me some advice when my OH was asking me to consider terminating. Remember this is totally your choice as it’s your body and maybe the DH will come round to it as @CherryCreme says. Sending you lots of love xx

Thank you @CherryCreme for sharing your experience. I agree that men don’t get the maternal instinct us women do and don’t feel immediately attached in the same way. I’m praying that he will come round soon and it doesn’t ruin our relationship xx

@PinkBlossom22 thank you. I hope your OH comes round. I agree, men tend to freak out the first time.
I have gone from sad to angry and back to sad again.
Whether I can go through with it I don't really know yet but if that's the route I am going down I have to do it asap.

how are things today @Grumpy19?
my OH is back to pretending like it is happening but sometimes its better to just enjoy the day for the sake of our relationship... hope your okay x

isn't*

We have had an ok day. Not spoken about it but he did spontaneously give me a big hug at one point which was nice!
I have felt so, so sick today as well which is a bit tricky when you are trying to pretend everything is fine.
Glad to have someone to talk to. Thank you PinkBlossom22.
Maybe your OH is getting used to the idea? X

@PinkBlossom22
Apologises for not responding..been a bit of a whirlwind 24 hours!
I took 2 more tests just to be sure and suddenly got really emotional when they both came up positive because I had all these different emotions in my head. I showed him and he was so happy, even more than me (which I did not expect).
We got an app which shows you the development each week and he can’t stop looking at this weeks picture and is so fascinated by it.
I’m 100% your OH will come round in time! He will have to at the end of the day! Just don’t stress.
How many weeks are you? X

No he doesn't "have to come round" and you can't be 100% certain. You was fortunate that that your partner did but just because that happened to you doesn't mean the same for others. I get that your excited but that's really rubbish advice.

People's marriages are potentially on the line so "just don't stress" is probably not an option!

I hope everything works out for you ladies and you get the outcome you hope for. It's a rough time I went through the same a few years ago. It broke me and partner. I had so much resentment for him at the time but I've now come to terms. He didn't force me to do it but I personally didn't want to do alone.

Whatever happens, You will be ok

The problem I see here PinkBlossom22 is one of control over ones future - or in the mans case - complete lack of it.

The making of a baby - especially an unplanned baby, is a joint venture (assuming contraception has been discussed and used as directed and no duplicity has occurred) .

However the continuance of that pregnancy and the decision to become a parent is the sole decision of the woman. As it should be. You have the right to decide what happens to your body.

The man doesn't have a 'say' in the decision about what you choose. He can have input and it is important he is honest about his feelings.

It is extremely unwise to expect a man to be accepting of having fatherhood thrust upon him if it wasn't planned and is not wanted. If it is your decision to continue a pregnancy that your partner does not want - then you do that , it's your right .

However be absolutely sure you are prepared to lose the relationship and be a lone parent from the get go.

Do not make a decision on the hope and expectation 'he will come round' , relationships where one person makes these kind of life choices for the other partner against their wishes - have very very little chance of continuing. His only obligation is financial. (and don't rely on that either - it's far from easy)

If you make the choice to go this alone - then I wish you congratulations.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel THANK YOU! the amount of women on here going "your body your choice hun he'll get used to it" is incredible - it's such irresponsible advice.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel you worded that better than I did!

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow exactly! It's not a movie it's real life these are huge decisions and whimsical advice like that isn't helpful.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNOW how can you say 'the amount of women on here going "your body your choice hun he'll get used to it' Not one person has said that! Someone did say "your choice, " but it is! It is my choice! It will be my decision to live with. What ever my choice I will have to live with it. My decision, my guilt, not his. @kfcplease, please don't make out like this is being treated as a whimsical decision! I can assure you this is not and I am offended that you are interpreting as such.
This thread has been a lifeline to me as there is no one in real life.

@grumpy19 i didn't mean on this thread, i meant the site in general, apologies. I was just agreeing with disorganised - it's dangerous to tell women that their partners will come round to the idea eventually so they should just go for it (which a PP did). Plenty of men don't, and then the woman is left pregnant and alone, which in many cases completely changes how able she is to cope.

Also @grumpy19 kfc said it was whimsical advice, not a whimsical decision. If you actually read what was written, you'll see it described as a huge decision!

I think you'll find yourself a lot less offended if you pay proper attention to what people are posting, rather than just reacting to what you think they said.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow, I would be a lot less offended if people made it clear whether they are talking specifically about a thread or mumsnet in general.
I was offended by the over all tone that implied that the discussion on this particular thread (which is an extremely difficult and upsetting situation for me at present)is whimsical.
I agree, not all men will come round to the idea. If they did, this thread would not need to exist.

Thank you everybody for your comments. I suppose my feelings are coming from a very desperate part of my mind, wanting so much to start a family with the person I love but feeling so conflicted by his feelings about it. At this moment in time I value my relationship higher than the pregnancy but that doesn’t mean I can even think about termination. I also worry that if I did go ahead and get rid, it would end up affecting my relationship anyway as I would feel resentment for going through with it. And God forbid I didn’t have any more successful pregnancies, I would never forgive either of us.
It’s a very hard decision to make and of course every situation is different. We plan to have children in the future and are financially stable, own our home and both in a secure job, all of which fuels my decision to keep it. But I know others are not in that situation for one reason or another and have many other factors to consider. Just hope this thread helps people talk it through and come to those decisions x

@Grumpy19 I was actually referring to Chickens post!

@pinkblossom22 I was married to my first husband and I terminated and it's something that haunts me to this day. That was 15 years ago I was later diagnosed with endometriosis and have not being able to have a viable pregnancy until now I'm 10 weeks but still complications. You may not feel that bonded to the baby now, but that just takes time. I know so many women without children and they regretted not giving their all too pregnancies they may have lost due to stress or abortions. Give it time and don't allow the way he is feeling to make you think you should abort. My boyfriend now cries all the time to me about not feeling ready for a baby and I was thinking maybe I should abort because he got really mean towards me, but it turns out he literally is celebrating to everyone but me. His mom says he just trying to make the baby look like him so he is trying to make me hate him. Old wives tale, but it's weird I've caught him telling his brother how happy he is. I think now he just feels overwhelmed and he feels open telling me all of his feelings, but that doesn't mean he won't come around. At this stage he has to come around because I'm not aborting this could be my last go around and all babies are blessings. People think having 4 kids is to many, but they shouldn't be given a say over your body husband or not. You will experience things with the child you considered aborting that you may never experience with the others. My mom went to the clinic to abort me and they talked her out of it. I've had a hard life, but I ended up being the child that saved my mom's life many times and I'm her twin out of her children. She tells me now she doesn't know what she would've done in life if it wasn't for me. I think your husband will come around and sometimes men just don't understand that a baby in the womb is a real baby. My boyfriend keeps talking about when it gets here that's when I should worry about reading to baby and feeding it properly they are clueless.