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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want baby.

46 replies

Molly0908 · 21/05/2020 00:12

Hi all, this is a toughy. I found out last week I was pregnant. I worked out I was exactly 4 weeks. I had an inkling something wasn't right with me and I just knew I had to buy a test. Two first response and since then two clearblue digitals have definitely confirmed I am. I have been with my husband for nearly 17 years, married for 9. We are a strong couple and have had lots of highs and some downs and come through them. We already have 3 amazing kids. Our youngest will be 10 this year. So this would be our 4th baby after a 10 year hiatus. This baby wasn't planned, we weren't trying. I couldn't keep it from my husband and he was visibly shocked understandably, as was I. I said I was only 4 weeks and we had plenty of time to discuss. I had a cry and he hugged me and said don't worry. We agreed we'd talk after a few days once we'd both had time to think things over. Tonight, after a week we finally had that talk. He confessed he didn't want the baby. He didn't want to go through all the baby stuff again, he's happy the way we are, our kids are gaining their independence, he's
looking forward to 'us' time now the kids are getting older, which I totally get. Our oldest is nearly 16. We never got that 'us' time before our children came along and said he didn't want to do it all over again. We were young parents, I was only 18 when we had our eldest and he is 5 years older, so he'll be nearly 40 when this baby arrives. He also is worried financially. We have a 3 bed semi, a 5 seater car, we don't have the most money but we never struggle and are always able to pay our bills, he's worried our older children will get less and we can't afford a bigger house so he's worried where the baby will sleep eventually after the baby days. I told him what if this is a good thing? Our older kids have been begging for years for us to have another, yes, it will be hard but I know we can do it. I didn't know how I felt at first, but I know I want to keep this baby! And I don't know how I can change his mind. We hugged and I cried again. He said we could talk again in a couple of days and I asked if his mind would change in that time, he said probably not. I'm devastated and I know now that one of us will end up resenting each other. If I abort the pregnancy I don't think I could get through that, and if I tell him I'm keeping it and that's that he will be forced to accept a child he doesn't want. I said once the baby comes he will feel differently. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 21/05/2020 00:26

Ah this is a bad time. We went through this although I was 44 OH 50 so it was a shock with a 21 year old and an 18 year old. We did not have money worries though. OH did not want another baby, I would not abort a healthy one, I said in front of GP if it was a choice between a grumpy old man or a baby I would choose the baby. That shocked him to the core. He did eventually come round about half way through the pregnancy, in fact he was a bit cock of the walk that he still could be a dad. That baby is nearly 19 and his dad is very proud of him, he went to uni. in September, so it was just the two of us again. That was weird.

It will all work out, this baby will have adoring older siblings as well.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 21/05/2020 00:34

Your body your choice, but I can completely see his point of view. No way would I want to start again after so long.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 00:48

Molly, I understand how your husband feels but if you really want the baby, go ahead and have it. Your husband will get used to the idea. I think you will be a very happy family and you are still relatively young.

It's unfortunate we are in the middle of the pandemic but this pregnancy wasn't planned so it's not as if you were being self indulgent when you conceived. Accidents happen. May this be a happy one!

Good luck and - congratulations! Flowers.

HeddaGarbled · 21/05/2020 01:04

Oh dear. I think I’m with your H on this one but I completely see how hard it would be for you to have an abortion. I think you need to talk it through with a professional counsellor.

WhatwouldLangdo · 21/05/2020 01:08

This baby wasn't planned, we weren't trying

You already have kids. Surely it's not a surprise that sex often leads to pregnancy? Hmm

5lilducks · 21/05/2020 02:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. If you want the baby then keep it. Your husband will just have to get used to the idea and step up to it. He is responsible for this pregnancy as well, and I am sure he knew that sex carries a risk of pregnancy. So now you are pregnant he shouldn't be pressuring you into aborting against your wishes. Explain to him that if you were to abort the pregnancy you may not be able to get through that and he should be able to understand. Your physical and mental health matters more than anything else. Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope things work out for you and your family Flowers

Curious200 · 21/05/2020 02:34

I agree with your husband

Couchbettato · 21/05/2020 02:57

I can see where you both come from. I'm pro-choice, so at the end of the day you make the executive decision.
Terminating is mentally and physically exhausting and upsetting, and in order to understand the situation you'd be best seeking some counselling even over the phone before making a decision.
That said, a baby is mentally and physically exhausting and can also negatively impact not only your mental health, but your husbands.
You both need an unbiased mediator to help you both discuss your emotions.
I don't think I personally could condemn myself to a life of childhood responsibility, and then be too old to have any meaningful freedom once that child has grown up. I also don't know if I'd have the mental stamina to terminate a pregnancy either or even work my way through adoption. However postpartum depression knocked me for six, and the all day-pregnancy sickness didn't help.
You need to also think logically. Do you have any debts, or savings incase of any need for a contingency? Do you have any money saved for your children? What about childcare? University fees? What if you or your partner were to die, do you have a plan for how the other would cope with 3 children? Can you both consider each others happiness?
It's not an ideal situation OP but it's not an unfamiliar one (except the pandemic). I wish you all the best.

ttcchapter1 · 21/05/2020 03:04

@WhatwouldLangdo do you have to be like that? Nothing positive to say don't say it.

Have another chat with your husband OP. I'm sure he will also understand where you're coming from and he seems mature enough to know it's not a small thing to abort a healthy baby, with the current pandemic he may be extra wary too. A few good talks about it should help. :)

WhatwouldLangdo · 21/05/2020 10:11

@ttchapter1

It's a completely relevant point. If there was a disagreement about whether this pregnancy is wanted or not then there should have been sufficient contraception in place to prevent it happening in the first place.

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/05/2020 10:25

If you continue with the pregnancy as justasking111 said there is the possibility of him coming round to the idea later on.

Though having to go through an abortion for a much wanted child at the very least would leave a load of resentment on your part that you were forced down that route to save a marriage that might not survive anyway.

Bumble84 · 21/05/2020 10:40

I’m with your husband on this I’m afraid. If you have an abortion you might resent your husband but if you don’t your husband might resent the child and that’s much much worse

Badassmama · 21/05/2020 10:52

Maybe ask him to think of it like this- in however many years time, when you’re both on your deathbeds, what will he regret more- the effort, money and time spent raising that child, or not having it and wondering who it might have turned out to be?

MissBax · 21/05/2020 10:56

I think it's awful people are suggesting to just go ahead and do what you want, dh will have to get used to it!
Surely this is a decision that will affect the whole family and not for you to make alone!
Did you use contraception? I think this makes a big difference.

SpillTheTeaa · 21/05/2020 10:56

I'm with you on this one OP.

U022828 · 21/05/2020 11:01

Whatever you decide, tell your dh to get a vasectomy to prevent this happening again if he knows he doesn't want children.

ttcchapter1 · 21/05/2020 11:02

@whatwouldlangdo

Its not about policing, what ur doing is a form of bullying.

Teacaketotty · 21/05/2020 11:07

I agree with PP that although it is your body so ultimately your choice, your DH should be in agreement if possible - it’s a decision which will effect the whole family as I’m sure you know.

WhatwouldLangdo · 21/05/2020 11:17

@ttcchapter1

Interesting. How so?

Ivyr0se · 21/05/2020 11:25

If it was a hypothetical baby I could see your husbands point. But it's not, you are already pregnant and I think the trauma of you aborting a child that you now know you want to keep is something you couldn't recover from.

I wouldn't do it. I'd be understanding and compassionate for him but I would expect the same in return.

Lozz22 · 21/05/2020 11:29

I'm with Whatwouldlangdo on this. If you're having unprotected sex then there's always that chance of falling pregnant. Same as the "I had sex many times around my fertile week but didn't want to fall pregnant so we used the 'pullout' method which failed and I'm now pregnant with a baby I don't want" boils my piss

UrsulaSings · 21/05/2020 11:38

I dont see why people have assumed if someone gets pregnant without trying that they aren't using protection. Protection isnt 100% effective... unless they're suggesting that if you dont want a baby you just dont DTD, which is ridiculous.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP. You have time to think about it though so all I would say is dont feel rushed to make a decision and maybe you need to a few chats before you come to a conclusion? Emotions can be all over the place even when a baby is planned for so its even more difficult when it's not.

LemonBreeland · 21/05/2020 11:50

I'm sorry OP, this is a truly difficult situation. I had a similar unplanned pregnancy a couple of years ago. We have 3 and our youngest was 7. Fortunately DH and I were both on the same page and didn't want another baby. So I can understand your DH's position in this more than yours.

You need to consider that either way this could be the end of your marriage. Can you raise 4 DC alone?

Original poster
Molly0908 · 21/05/2020 11:59

I appreciate everyone's replies. Just to clarify, as I didn't state in OP. Yes, I was on the pilI, as a rare occasion it failed. I have been stressed in recent months and wonder if this had something to do with it. I understand everyone has mixed reviews on this. I don't want to be penalised for it as of course we both know it is our responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen if we don't want it to happen. But it has, and now we have to decide what is right. I could tell him, actually I'm keeping it and there's nothing he can do, because he can't right. But I wouldn't do that to him which is why I seeked the advice and to be honest just to let it off my chest. I really do appreciate everyone's comments, good and bad. X

OP posts:
LimpidPools · 21/05/2020 12:09

You're talking about this pregnancy as a baby already. About how your husband "will be nearly 40 when [it] arrives". I think you're really going to struggle if you have an abortion. You need to be very honest with yourself about that.

This isn't the same as if you had suddenly got broody again and your husband wasn't on the same page. You've had a slip, the pregnancy is real, not hypothetical.

He needs to recognise that too. I hope he's also aware that it was a joint effort and it's not just your 'fault'.

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