Husband doesn't want baby.

[Molly0908]

Hi all, this is a toughy. I found out last week I was pregnant. I worked out I was exactly 4 weeks. I had an inkling something wasn't right with me and I just knew I had to buy a test. Two first response and since then two clearblue digitals have definitely confirmed I am. I have been with my husband for nearly 17 years, married for 9. We are a strong couple and have had lots of highs and some downs and come through them. We already have 3 amazing kids. Our youngest will be 10 this year. So this would be our 4th baby after a 10 year hiatus. This baby wasn't planned, we weren't trying. I couldn't keep it from my husband and he was visibly shocked understandably, as was I. I said I was only 4 weeks and we had plenty of time to discuss. I had a cry and he hugged me and said don't worry. We agreed we'd talk after a few days once we'd both had time to think things over. Tonight, after a week we finally had that talk. He confessed he didn't want the baby. He didn't want to go through all the baby stuff again, he's happy the way we are, our kids are gaining their independence, he's
looking forward to 'us' time now the kids are getting older, which I totally get. Our oldest is nearly 16. We never got that 'us' time before our children came along and said he didn't want to do it all over again. We were young parents, I was only 18 when we had our eldest and he is 5 years older, so he'll be nearly 40 when this baby arrives. He also is worried financially. We have a 3 bed semi, a 5 seater car, we don't have the most money but we never struggle and are always able to pay our bills, he's worried our older children will get less and we can't afford a bigger house so he's worried where the baby will sleep eventually after the baby days. I told him what if this is a good thing? Our older kids have been begging for years for us to have another, yes, it will be hard but I know we can do it. I didn't know how I felt at first, but I know I want to keep this baby! And I don't know how I can change his mind. We hugged and I cried again. He said we could talk again in a couple of days and I asked if his mind would change in that time, he said probably not. I'm devastated and I know now that one of us will end up resenting each other. If I abort the pregnancy I don't think I could get through that, and if I tell him I'm keeping it and that's that he will be forced to accept a child he doesn't want. I said once the baby comes he will feel differently. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. Advice appreciated.

Personally agree completely with everything your DH feels about this. Unfortunately though it doesn't matter much what I or anyone else feels, it's your decision to continue with the pregnancy or not. I hope that if you continue your DH is able to adapt to the idea and it doesn't impact on his relationship with the child/you, to the detriment of your existing family unit

Your so early on in your pregnancy you can now order the abortion pill online for free and it will just feel like a normal period. Won't be traumatic at all and I would be much more concerned about my husband resenting me and our long marriage being affected than a hypothetical child that really doesn't exist yet.

@MissBax

I think it's awful people are suggesting to just go ahead and do what you want, dh will have to get used to it!
Surely this is a decision that will affect the whole family and not for you to make alone!

Totally This.

This is a situation that will effect the DH and the rest of your family and needs to discussed and agreed. You are both looking at another maybe 20+ years of living like this. If you have no savings now how do you think another baby will effect your finances. You will be in your 60's by the time you can start your own lives and chances are you wont be able to retired at all.
He has no right to force you to have an abortion but in the same way you have no right just to expect him to 'put up with it' and any fall out will be both your responsibilities.
I would also put aside what the children think, they wont be paying and looking after the child (primarily) and wont see how they will be effected
I am not saying you should have a abortion ( I would want to keep it , just that your DH has a legitimate right to have as much input into this decision as you do and you should both discuss the matter until you both agree a position.

Would it be helpful to look at how a fourth child would fit into your lives?
How would it change your finances? Rough estimates on how much your current vehicles are worth vs the cost of getting a car big enough for all of you? If your eldest is nearly 16 you might not have all 4 at home full time for that long, how would that work?

It seems from your post that a significant part of your partners concerns are the logistics. They are important concerns that can be addressed. Gather your facts show willing to consider both sides and hopefully you will find your way to be closer to being on the same page as one another.

I think if you're determined to keep it then you have to be prepared to become a single parent to 4 kids.

I agree with your DH. Yes an abortion can be traumatic, but you'd get over it within months or years (especially if you get some therapy), whereas a new baby will disrupt your lives for decades.

I feel really sorry for your husband actually. You had kids young so he's spent all of his 20's and 30's raising three kids with you and now he understandably wants to move onto the next phase of your lives.

Would you be prepared to be a single parent?

I love when OPs say I appreciate the comments "Good and Bad" implying that anyone that doesn't agree with them is "bad" - why come on mumsnet if you just want everyone to agree with you. You seem to think this way with your husband too that he should just agree. In these situations I really feel sorry for the men who end up with women who just have kids regardless of what the men want or think and then expect them to be there supporting the child!

I don't think this is a 'your body you'd choice' scenario. It's about your entire family, what you have today and what you will have in the future. Your current kids will be off to uni or left home - you might think they've begged you for another sibling but really - they don't care too much. It's like wanting a puppy. The novelty wears off.

Considering how young you were when you started your family, you have so much other stuff ahead of you. Perhaps you're a bit apprehensive of that? What does life look like when the nest is empty? Have you discussed it to make plans?

I also really don't think it's fair or right to assume he will get his head around another baby. You've been a team since you met, you need that more than ever now.

The decision is about everyone, not just your feelings towards this pregnancy. Is your existing family enough for you?

What a difficult situation, I really feel for you. I think I would have to try and work through it logically and realistically and mainly focus on the impact on my other kids. If you don't have lots of money and another child means they'll miss out on things that would be a factor for me. I could probably cope emotionally with the termination knowing I'd done it for the best for my family overall.

I don’t think you should go ahead with having a baby unless you are both agreed on it . Your husband makes good practical points against having another baby.

Just throwing this out there - how about adoption? There are a lot of childless couples out there who would give anything for a healthy baby. You wouldn't have the guilt of terminating and you and your husband could still enjoy your growing independence.

I think in this situation you should both be on board to continue with the pregnancy.
Resentment is partly about attitude, it's not a definite consequence. If your DH really doesn't and couldn't ever want this and you continue then you would not have the happy family you want and could resent him as much in that situation as if you ended the pregnancy. Resentment is a lack of understanding of each other really - if you could feel like your DH truly understood what ending the pregnancy would mean to you, and he felt you truly understood what continuing it would mean to him, and you heard each other out and talked and listened then whatever you decide between you, you should both be able to move forward. You are partners and should be able to understand and forgive each other and move forward with a bit of grace whatever the outcome. Yes it will be more sad and difficult for one of you, it's ok to be scared of that, but I don't think fear of 'resentment' should be swaying your decision. We don't always get what we want and you both have a choice in how you deal with that, but you have to be kind to each other and commit whichever way it goes.

I have been where you are OP. I had a 2 &1 year old, it was not planned. My DH did not want a 3rd I didn't want a abortion. I was told that I would ruin my family's life for the rest of my life if I continued. I won't go into the details suffice to say I had an abortion. It was the toughest thing mentally, I suffered depression and had counselling. I can now accept it was the best decision for my family. The houses, the car the financial impact on the kids.

I did resent my husband he was steadfast in his decision, he did look into extending the house, car etc but in the end I had to put other people before myself. I do feel guilty, but I accept this decision was right.

It's horrible but if you will get through this if you don't keep the baby, it will take time and will be tough but? Will your marriage survive if you have a fourth? I don't believe mine would have. Because it's an emotional issue it is really hard to see it with clarity. Only you of course can make this decision. All the best. Take care.

Although ultimately it's your choice OP, I'm also with your DH on this one. He has a valid point asking where this child will fit in once it is past the baby stage. I'm assuming you have 2 kids in one room and one in another? I'm also assuming you won't want the baby to stay in your room for ever, so where to you propose it will sleep after? Your kids aren't seeing the bigger picture of having a baby in the house and no child of 10+ wants to share their room with a baby/toddler (let alone a 16yo!)

I don't doubt you have a difficult decision to make, but you need to think long and hard about the financial and practical implications of going ahead, not to mention the emotional affect.

I think you can’t have a termination unless you really want to. Your body your choice. I think you would also be very resentful if you feel you were influenced into it as well. So I would keep it. You’re so young at 34 - I hadn’t even started my family until quite a bit after that.

I think if you're determined to keep it then you have to be prepared to become a single parent to 4 kids

As opposed to being a single parent to 3 if your marriage doesn’t survive the resentment and bad feeling.

I acknowledge that for some women they do get over it but I have seen it being brought up and the marriage fails sometimes years later and the plans for how life will be or how life will be in retirement that the abortion was supposed to enable end up being shattered anyway.

Whilst you are saying that you wouldn’t have another child because he wouldn’t like it. He is forcing you to have an abortion that you aren’t happy about

@Curious200 I wasn't implying that at all. I would expect negative comments on both mine and my husbands views, is all I meant. I wasn't expecting everyone to feel sorry for me and agree with me. I just wanted peoples thoughts.

Ultimately it is your choice, if your DH was so clear on not wanting dc while wanting sex he should have had the snip.
That said I feel very sorry for your DH and really wouldn't want to restart babies in my 40's.

My thoughts are that if he is so adamant he doesn't want another child why was he not using condoms and doubling up to make sure?

You were doing the responsible thing and taking the Pill, but occasionally it fails, so some responsibility should have been taken by him too, as a result of not doing that simple thing you are face with a terrible decision....ultimately it is your body and whilst all views should be considered it has to be your final choice.

Should he ever make you feel bad about exercising that decision remind him of the above.

I wish you luck and peace whatever you decide.

No real advice but what comes through from your post is that you have a strong relationship with your husband where you've both been able to talk openly and even though you're in disagreement over your pregnancy, you are still hugging while you talk about it. So I would say, keep on talking as you have been and hopefully, although there's no 'compromise' on something like this, one of you will feel able to concede.