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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Unsure what to do.

32 replies

nellie22 · 04/05/2020 20:33

Hi,
I am hoping for some advice, I found out today I am 1-2 weeks pregnant according to a clear blue test. I have been with my partner for about 3 years.
I had an abortion not long after we got together as we were only 20 and in university, my partner wasn't the best support throughout the day of the procedure but I accepted and got over this due to me believing he was just scared. I have just found out I am pregnant again and I am so worried and confused. This wasn't planned and my partner has reacted just as badly as he did 3 years ago and said if I keep the baby he wants nothing to do with it and that he has rights.
I am really starting to panic as I don't want to lose him but don't know if I can go through with an abortion again and live with that regret from being pushed into something I'm not 100% with. He is blaming me for being in control of contraception which I'm finding unfair and difficult.
Have any others been in a similar situation? I have an amazing group of friends and my family are amazing and I know they will support me however I can't help but feel scared at the thought of doing this on my own and losing my partner. I am only 23. I just don't know what to do and am terrified. Any advice would be much appreciated x

OP posts:
howsoonisnow85 · 04/05/2020 20:35

Forget about your boyfriend- do you want to have a baby right now?

BuffaloCauliflower · 04/05/2020 20:37

Do you want the baby? Regardless of anything else?

Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 20:39

I'd definitely prefer to keep the baby, I just feel like I'm being emotionally pushed into something I don't want to do at present and blackmailed a bit into an abortion.
I feel so confused and hurt and my partner just doesn't understand :(

OP posts:
Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 20:40

Just worried I may be unfair for wanting to keep the baby when he doesn't. Such a confusing time x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2020 20:42

You don't want to lose him? Why on earth would you want to keep him?! Your partner is a selfish arsehole. You've already wasted three years of your life on him, and you have seen twice now just how vile he is when you need him most. Get rid of this twat.

LovingLola · 04/05/2020 20:43

I would get rid of him. He sounds awful.
And then think about the pregnancy.

Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 20:47

I agree completely and if this hadn't of happened I think that would be inevitable I've had doubts for a while and our relationship hasn't been easy. It disgusts me how he can be so shallow at times. Deep down I know he isn't the right person for me but I just never visioned having my first baby on my own and just need some support that this will be ok. I'm just so confused with what to do at the moment. Thank you for your messages so far x

OP posts:
Malysh · 04/05/2020 20:52

I'm sorry but I agree with past posts. Even if your partner doesn't want to be a father there are a thousand ways he could have handled this situation better. Blaming you for the contraception miss is also grossly unfair. I know it's easy to say but I think you'd be better off without him !

Do what you feel is right for you. I really get the impression you want to keep this child. If you do, and you are in a position to keep it, then in your place I would.

And forgive me, but good riddance to your boyfriend.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2020 20:52

Perhaps dumping him and terminating the pregnancy is a good choice. You're only 23 years old, so very young. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to do things properly and on your terms with standards firmly in place. Whatever you decide, you need to get rid of him, immediately.

rossKemp · 04/05/2020 20:53

Oh dear, sorry to hear of your predicament. Please when this is over, whether you decide on a termination or to continue with the pregnancy, make yourself an appointment to have your contraception methods reviewed with a doctor. Two unplanned pregnancies in three years must be very distressing

Malysh · 04/05/2020 20:54

Deep down I know he isn't the right person for me but I just never visioned having my first baby on my own and just need some support that this will be ok.

If this makes you feel any better, I'm a single parent by choice with one little boy and another on the way (due in three weeks actually). It can be hard but solo parenting is infinitely easier than having a baby and a useless, unsupportive partner. If you want to keep this baby you can do it.

Malysh · 04/05/2020 20:57

PS - it's also totally fine to terminate both the pregnancy and the relationship. I definitely think you'll be better off without this boyfriend (he sounds like a jerk). Whether you keep the baby is an entirely separate issue and there is no right or wrong there. But if you really want this baby you definitely can do it.

Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 20:58

Thank you so much for your messages I needed to hear them. I agree with them to be honest, I know it sounds so awful and that I probably sound silly but it's hard to understand unless your in the situation. I was just so traumatised from my previous abortion that I don't think I can go through that again. I know I'm only 23 but I feel I would be an amazing mum even if I have to do it alone. I just feel like he's being really unfair and I feel extremely sad that he isn't there for me when I need him most, but I think I need to face up to the fact of him not being a part.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2020 21:01

If you keep the baby, don't put him on the birth certificate, and don't give the baby his surname.

justtb · 04/05/2020 21:01

I had a termination at 21 as I was in my last year of university. It took me a long time to get over the emotional toll it had on me.

I'm now 25 and 14 weeks pregnant. It was not planned at all.. the past year has been mental health hell for me! But I knew I couldn't put myself through a termination again.

I'm not in the most stable of relationships even though I love him dearly. I've accepted I may be raising this child alone. But we have to do what is best for ourselves! You are not alone xx

Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 21:01

@Malysh that is amazing and I really look up to you! I know it won't be easy but it's so nice to hear it from another similar perspective. Thank you so much for those lovely words sending you lots of love x

OP posts:
Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 21:05

@justtb thank you so much for sharing. Sounds like we're in quite a similar situation! It's such a difficult decision isn't it but an abortion is such an emotional and mental drain. I think I may have to face up to completely doing this without him if he's not mature enough to take responsibility. Just seems so scary right now, but it makes me feel a lot better hearing other positive stories xx

OP posts:
kfcchicken · 04/05/2020 21:24

It'll hurt you for a while to lose him but once he's out of your life and you move on you'll feel refreshed, many real man and the one you'll meet take on their partner with a child and love them as their own. Where as having a termination when you didn't want to will hurt you forever. Do you have family to help and support you during birth and after? It will be hard on your own but you'll look back and realise it was your biggest achievement.

He's can so easily say he wants nothing to do with you, not one care how much it'll hurt you, termination is your own choice but he needs going! He deserves no one!

kfcchicken · 04/05/2020 21:27

Sorry just realised you said you do have amazing support! Thanks

Shell23 · 04/05/2020 21:40

I really feel for you op and I can hear myself in your post. I'm literally in the same boat, 23 pregnant except 11 weeks along and had a previous abortion that I'm still scarred over. I'm now struggling to come to a conclusion as my partner is no good and I'm aware time isnt on my side. In your case your still so early along, dont pressure yourself right now and take all the time you need to figure this out. To me it sounds like you know where you want to go with this and I envy you for that, it takes alot of strength to want to do this potentially as a single parent. Just remember even if your partner isnt around doesnt mean you're on your own! Explore your support options, get a good idea of how your going to handle this so you feel more confident standing on your feet coming into this. I really wish you the best of luck which ever way you go about this. And one big thing from my personal experience of being brought up with both parents and enduring my parents conflict and dads mistreatment most times it's better and less damaging mentally not to expose your child to that rather than having them around for the sake of it. He has made it clear he wants nothing to do with this, so he doesnt deserve to be a part. Feel free to PM me

Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 22:01

@kfcchicken thank you so much for your lovely and supportive words. It's such a hard situation when you know someone isn't worthy of your time or energy but you cling onto those good times that you've shared. I'm beginning to accept that I'm going to be doing this on my own if that's what I choose and need to have a long think about what's best. I have someone calling me tomorrow to discuss my options fully and will take it from there xx

OP posts:
Original poster
nellie22 · 04/05/2020 22:06

@Shell23 I can't thank you enough for your message, it's a shame about the circumstances for us both but it feels so nice to be able to speak to someone in a similar position. I empathise with you so much and it's not an ideal situation to be in. I hope your also ok as I understand how much of a confusing time it is especially after previously going through an abortion. I will definitely take those comments on board and please look after yourself also. I'm sure even if we have to do it alone we are more than capable and can give these precious baby's so much love without a father figure. I also empathise with you on how traumatic a bad family unit can be for a child and that's a major factor I am considering and clearly you are too which already shows how caring you are. Thank you again, sending you loads of love and please pm me if you need to talk too xx

OP posts:
ConnieDoodle · 04/05/2020 22:12

he has rights

What rights does he think he has?

Dump him op. You dont need him on at you while youre making life decisions.

ticktackted · 04/05/2020 22:17

Oh, I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation Thanks you sound very sensible and like you've realised he isn't the man for you. Frankly, how he's treated you over this sounds utterly unforgivable. You say you have good support - so I recon whatever you decide to do, you'll be ok.

usernameannonymous · 05/05/2020 15:03

How are you doing today OP?

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