Talk to me about 2 kids with a small gap and a third with a larger

[AllTheWhoresOfMalta]

Hello all

Just looking for some opinions here. Me and DP have always wanted three kids. I had very bad pregnancies and a bad run of health after though, so we stopped after number 2 (now aged almost 4). There’s only a year and a half between both our kids.

We wouldn’t be in a position to try for a third for two more years (studying), so youngest would be 6 before I even got pregnant, more like 6.5 by the time they got their younger sibling if I fell pregnant immediately. Elder child would be 8/8.5.

DP thinks it’s too big a gap and the third kid would be lonely. I do and I don’t: I would have rather had a third immediately but as we didn’t I don’t think this age gap would be insane. I would also be 37, which he also thinks is too old considering I had such bad pregnancies at 29/30.

He would still like a third and is open to persuasion I think. I’m far from set on the idea. I just wonder if anyone here can advise based on their own experiences. Part of me wondered whether it’s better to count your blessings and move on, but I have always imagined a third.

TIA.

It's the same gap between my 2 I wouldn't I feel like it's too wide a gap, but I wanted a small gap, if I'd of had more I'd have carried on close together, but lots of people do it and I can see some of the benefits, perhaps start a pro v con list mine would be like this pros- your older ones will be at school so will be able to spend time just you and baby, maybe fit in a nap etc less in childcare costs too cons - will you need a bigger house and car? Will family be ok looking after 3 or would it be too much (if you have family support obviously) hotel and holiday bookings are generally 2 adults 2 children, days out will either suit the older kids with a bored little or the younger one with bored olders, can you afford a 3rd? To me it would feel like starting over, our days of sleepless nights and nappies are over I wouldn't fancy that back and have to look after my older children.
So I'm definitely more biased with your husband but only you know your family dynamics and some of these mentioned may be in the opposite category for you.

My auntie had a very similar situation to this and for her it worked really well. She has three boys and the youngest adores his older brothers, and they’re so sweet with him. The two eldest are now in their late teens / early twenties but for their whole lives they’ve had a lovely relationship.

I've got almost 3 years between DC1 &2, and then 5+ years between DC2 &3.
They are all grown up now, and are really close.
The main problem was logistics - impossible to take the older 2 swimming with small baby in tow, the same for cinema and other outings. You have to be creative, and the kids have to do a bit of putting up. DS3 ended up watching films and playing Playstation games that I wouldn't have let the older 2 play at the same age, simply because he would otherwise have been excluded, or the older ones would not have been able to play the games/watch the films that their friends were talking about. It helps if there are 2 adults plus extra help sometimes - for example, my DH hated swimming, so my mum used to come with me to help with the 3 boys.
I wouldn't change it though, we had a lot of fun, and the older 2 were very accommodating, and always kind to the little one in a way that they weren't with each other!. He was like their little pet for a long time.

I see zscaler is saying the same as me, I think a bigger gap can really work.

Me and my siblings have the same age gap as delphinums kids. My bro is 3 years older than me, my sister is 5 years younger. We all grew up close, it was only teen years I found that we obviously wanted to do our own thing/it wasn't cool to hang out.

I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and my son will be nearly 7 by the time they're born (my partner has a son who has just turned 6) As others have said I think the thing I'm concerned about is logistics ie. Fitting car seats in, finding stuff we can do together that's not too babyish for the elder ones, going to different schools and dropping them off etc.

I know 3 families with the age gap you mentioned and all 3 moms regret having the 3rd later...they now have 2 teens (or preteens) and a much younger sibling that does affect days out/family life.

They all have said to me they wished they had had the 3rd a year after the 2nd and had them all closer in age.

There are 3 years between myself and my oldest brother and 11 between myself and my youngest brother. He feels like a lonely child as when he was in early primary school we both left for university. In saying that we are all happy, just not all that close.

He feels like an only child * but by no means a lonely child!

DH’s sisters are 8 and 10 years older than him. He’s still pretty close with them, more so with his middle sister.

I know two families where they had three in quick succession (as in less than a 4yr age gap between the eldest and the youngest) and then four or five friends who have had a two or three year age gap between the first two and then about five years between the 2nd and 3rd. Whilst all the siblings get on well and the "baby" is adored by the whole family, they do say it's a bit tedious having to factor the younger one in to plans all the time. Two of them had said that if they had waited another 6mths before getting pregnant, they probably wouldn't have bothered as that was the point at which their then youngest suddenly grew up and they could start doing different things only to be thrown back to baby days.
I always find it interesting as I was very broody for the third, made the decision not to and increasingly feel I made the right decision. Will I feel that when no.2 goes off to Uni in a decade or so? Will I feel that when they're all in their 20s or 30s? Who knows!

I'm the middle of 3, there is 7 years between me and my elder sibling and almost 4 years between me and my younger sibling.
Growing up my relationship with my elder sister was better than my younger as our relationship stayed in that big /little sister mode. With my younger sister we switched from being on a similar maturity level then I would make a jump and we had different outlooks then she would catch up for a bit then I would move on again. The switching between peers and big sis/little sis led to an uneasy relationship at times.
We are now all grown and are really close and people think there is only a few years covering the 3 of us.
I also have an aunty who is only 5 years older than me as my dad has a 21 year age gap between him and his youngest sibling.

It's hard to predict family dynamics because it depends to a degree on the temperment of all the family members

My boyfriend had an older brother 35, then him 32, then younger brother 30, then little sister 10. All the boys had moved out and were living independently when sister was born. They have very little contact, for various reasons, not just age

I have two with an age gap of five years, and it has worked beautifully for us. Age gaps are not a great indicator of how close siblings will be in my experience - personalities are much more significant and totally impossible to predict.

My only comment would be that it is hard to go back to the baby and toddler years when you have already come out the other side with your older child(ren). When the time comes you will have to balance your desire for three children with an honest assessment of whether you and DH are prepared to go back to the baby years and all that they bring, especially once you are a bit older.

I had three in the space of 2.5 years then a six year gap between DC3 (so eight year gap between DC1) and 4. It was honestly absolutely fine, they all doted on him from the beginning and really want to help out.

My DH is 18 months older than his brother and 6 years older than his sister (so 4.5 year gap between BIL and SIL). My MIL always says she wishes she’d had a 4th child closer in age to my SIL as she was always left out by the boys and it was hard finding things to do to entertain them all. But there are no regrets from having SIL! So there’s another option OP - just have 2 more 🤣

There is 2 years between my partner and his older brother, and then their younger sister came along 7 years after that. His relationship growing up was different between his 2 siblings, but I think they all had happy childhoods. Now they are all adults they are good friends.

Hi my brothers are 12 and 14 years older than me, obviously we didn't hang out as friends when I was a child and I basically felt like an only child (got a good imagination out of it though lol). But I never felt I missed out, we have a good relationship now although obviously my brothers are closer and found me irritating when they were in their teens especially my "younger" brother. My parents were 37 and 41 when they had me, I'm 37 and pregnant with my first (and probably only) child now. :)

I had number 3 aged 38. Her older sisters were 8 and 6. We hadn’t meant the age gap to be so big but it took me two years to conceive and stay pregnant after doing so easily with the first two.

Best decision I ever made! My older girls are totally in love with their sister. They are a massive help to me and she adores them. I worry a little about the future - will they love her less when teenage hormones kick in? I don’t know. I am currently pregnant with #4 as I want baby #3 to have a sibling close in age too but I accept this may not be successful. The way the 3 of them are together now I can’t imagine them not remaining close.

Just wanted to add that 3rd baby is now 2. It’s probably been the best 2 yrs of my life! Haven’t regretted having her for even a 2nd and although our journey to having her was horrible I’m actually glad it took so long because it meant my older 2 didn’t need as much attention and were more understanding of the baby stage than a younger child might have been.

That’s the same gap I have with my siblings, they were 8.5 and 6.5 when I was born. So I guess I can’t say from my parents perspective or theirs, but I loved having older siblings, played a fair bit with the middle one (obviously in a different way to how close in age siblings would play, but she’d always think up fun things for us to do), we all get on brilliantly as adults now.

Oh god don't do it. I have 12 months between my two. Wouldn't dream of bringing a much bigger age gapped 'odd one out' into it. Not fair on anyone. Awkward dynamics

I have 2 years between my older two and then a 6 year age gap to the next one. The older ones dote on her (she’s now 11). She gets on well with them both. I agree that there was a tricky time when she was just taken along and had to sit through lots of activities and sporting events when they were younger but we managed. They now go and support her doing things which is lovely. She probably does watch films that I would have never let the other 2 watch and probably is slightly older than her years in some ways as she constantly wants to be like her siblings. They all have a good relationship. She certainly is not the ‘odd one out’!

I have 2 1/2 year gap between my eldest 2. Then an 8 year gap till the next one. But I didn't feel finished so we left it to nature and I had a 4th 2 1/2 years later just after I was 40.
They are now 21, 19, 11 and 8 1/2 and honestly it feels more like I had 2 sets of 2 children rather than 4 all at once. As they were in pairs they always had a friend to play with and the older ones are fantastic with the younger ones.

I'm the youngest sibling in your scenario almost. My sisters were 5.5 and 7 when I was born.

As adults, we are incredibly close, best friends, especially me and my middle sister. There were times growing up I probably didn't know my eldest sister as well as she moved out quite young but we always had a lovely relationship. They fought like cat and dog as teenagers, I used to sit on the stairs and watch with mild amusement and horror at the levels of violence they would inflict on each other!

I'm sure there were some difficulties - they would often accuse mum of favouring me and say I was spoilt. I'm sure she was just treating me like a little kid and them two like bigger kids. There were times my grandparents took them on holiday and I was too little and that frustrated her. I think she told them after a couple of years they had to take me too. I think she just felt sorry for me sometimes - I was always made to be piggy in the middle, go the shop, give up the rest of my chocolate bar, not allowed to play with my finders keepers cos they hid their cigarettes inside them etc. I adored them though, still do

I've got 14, 13 and 6 year old and it works well. I did forget how hard the baby years were but the older 2 are great with the youngest and they get on very well. 3 boys.