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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Sex only to keep DH happy

49 replies

Whatnowwww · 21/04/2020 15:00

I’m 21 weeks PG and I have no libido whatsoever. I couldn’t be less interested. But DH is going on and on about needing it, saying once baby is born he won’t be getting any then either.
My baby is IVF and I just feel like she doesn’t need that sort of onslaught? Nor do I for that matter, but I’m seriously worried about this affecting my marriage. I can see how it is a big loss for a man to go 18 months or whatever with no action, five years ago I couldn’t go two days without it! I made him do it with me even when he was shattered from work/doing triathlons, poor man. So I know he’s not being uncaring per se. There’s no reason why I can’t do it other than just not being in the mood and irrationally worried. Has anyone else been in this position?

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 21/04/2020 15:08

Your husband needs to grow up tbh. In one of my pregnancies I couldn’t think of anything worse than sex and my husband was fine with that, why would he want to have sex with someone who wasn’t into it?

triedandtestedteacher · 21/04/2020 15:14

I understand. I've had miscarriages in the past and I'm pregnant now. I don't think I would enjoy it for worrying about the baby, plus I feel hideous and fat and spotty but I don't like feeling distant from dh. We don't do well without intimacy for long periods. At the moment I'm nauseated but when it passes I'm planning on resuming but only with non penetrative sex. Would that be an option ?

kittykat7210 · 21/04/2020 15:20

I do it with my husband at the moment despite not really wanting to. But he doesn’t ask, I can just tell when he needs the ‘release’ and get it done with. I have a really high libido normally but I honestly couldn’t give a damn at the moment which is very strange for me!

It’s very much down to you, I know that sex (provided you’re not on bed rest) is very much safe and okay during pregnancy, but if you’re not happy with the thought then you don’t have to! Maybe help him release in other ways?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2020 15:21

I wouldn’t worry about your baby but it’s fine to not want to do it for yourself!

Why is he assuming you won’t have sex for ages after the baby arrives?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2020 15:22

I can just tell when he needs the ‘release’

Does he not know how to masturbate? It’s a life skill.

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 15:52

I am very sad at the women on here having sex, despite not wanting to.

You know you have the right to say no, right. Being in a relationship does not mean that he owns your body.

Yaty · 21/04/2020 15:53

Sorry but your husband sounds quite immature and selfish. If you don't want to, you dont want to. No explanation or guilt needed n your part whether you are pregnant or not.

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 15:55

Him wanting sex, does not equal - him getting sex.

If you don't want to, don't do it.

Also, if you don't want to do it, physically your body is not ready to do it, and you are putting yourself at risk.

Along time I ago, I had a boyfriend who wouldn't take 'no' and pushed me and pushed me. I gave in, and he physically ripped my body. I bled alot.

I wish I had put myself first at the time. I would not do it now

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 15:56

Especially, if you are worried about your IvF baby, he should understand

N12345625 · 21/04/2020 16:00

He needs to grow up. If you don't want to he should respect that. He can masterbate if he needs. Your body, your choice

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 16:04

I think that some women give in to their oartner because they think that if they don't have sex every time he wants it, he will leave them.

Which is a bad way to think. And not true anyway.

Remember when Davina McCall said

"You must keep your husband satisfied in the bedroom department, even if you're absolutely exhausted, otherwise he will go somehwhere else"

And then her and her husband broke up anyway.

I would say "stand up for yourself" and also stand up for other women. We need good examples of women putting themselves first, loving themselves and not being forced into sex.

MeadowHay · 21/04/2020 16:05

We had sex I think two or three times in the middle of my whole pregnancy. I had a difficult pregnancy with HG amongst other things. DH was obviously completely fine with that, he knows where his penis is. We then didn't have sex again until DD was 9 months old, the first time we had been completely alone in the house together. I also had a difficult birth and long-ish perineal recovery so again he wasn't a dickhead about it. I used to give him oral about once a week in the last few months of my pregnancy but I was happy to do it, if I wasn't, I wouldn't have. And I offered, he didn't ask. Your husband is an idiot.

peachypetite · 21/04/2020 16:08

Your husband is an arse.

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 16:08

@meadowhay that is lovely. That is a really kind, caring husband.

apple777 · 21/04/2020 16:25

I’m 14 weeks I have no libido at all and only DTD once since finding out. My DP can like it or lump it cause I’m not going to force myself just for him, he has a hand 🤚😂🙈. I think your husband needs to be more understanding.

kittykat7210 · 21/04/2020 16:59

@AnneLovesGilbert

... because I’d prefer him not to masturbate... 🤨 he doesn’t need to masturbate, he has me 🤷🏻‍♀️

SamK93 · 21/04/2020 17:27

I'm 12 weeks pregnant and I couldn't be interested in sex in the slightest. I used to have a high sex drive before but I just can't be bothered yet he wants to have sex everyday! We have been doing it every day for the last two weeks and I'm just sooooo over it I don't want to do it anymore, I literally just do it to keep him happy. So your not alone in all of this.

anniebu · 21/04/2020 17:38

I think it is important to think of yourself, and not violate yourself. At the same time your husband has both a physical need as well as a human desire for acceptance and intimacy. Sex is something that only you two share. A blanket refusal of intimacy cannot be made lightly.

What wife wouldn't feel rejected if the husband just refused her sexually and always said he wasn't in the mood?

Why shouldn't it be the same for him? As long as there is any libido or one feels neutral, they should agree to lovemaking for the sake of partner. Maybe wait until at least somewhat in the mood and initiate contact yourself.

Good luck to everyone and wishing every couple love, mutual understanding and harmony in bed. Wink

Superscientist · 21/04/2020 17:52

I have practically zero interest too, I can count on 1 hand how often we have done anything. My partner doesn't seem to mind and we are more affectionate in other ways so we still have that close contact which I think helps.

Do you think talking to him might help? Would he still want sex if he knew how you felt?

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 18:01

@SamK93 why can't you say no?

When I had a boyfriend who wanted sex any day, I said no. And we had sex once to twice a week.

Why can't you say no?

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 18:02

*who wanted sex every day

BeautyAndTheBump1 · 21/04/2020 18:06

If you dont want sex, then you dont have sex. It's as simple as that! Why should his need to have sex over rule your need to not want it? After all you're doing the hard work growing a child whilst he sits back and watches it happen!

SamK93 · 21/04/2020 18:07

@Annamaria14 to be honest maybe it's my own insecurities, who knows. We've been married 9 years, sex has always been good and he's always saying oh it's not his fault he has a high sex drive and it makes me feel a bit guilty if I say no to be honest I don't want to disappoint him. I also get @anniebu point that if we wanted sex and the man kept saying no and making excuses we'd feel like crap! I don't want him to feel like that

ludicrouslemons · 21/04/2020 18:10

Tbh he's going to have to get used to not having his needs met all the time. Once the baby comes you have to put them first even if you fancy a sleep or a walk or a film or whatever.

Deal with his attitude now, it'll be harder when the baby is around too.

Aly92 · 21/04/2020 18:11

I get both sides I’m currently just starting to lose interest in sex which is unlike me. I do feel bad. But mines due to my nausea starting. I’d say if it’s a case if you simply can’t be bothered I think there should be a bit I’d give and take. I think going without it for weeks is a bit unreasonable because if it were the other way round I know I’d be upset and frustrated. Maybe once every week or other week he try to do something romantic to put you in the mood. Maybe that will help. But as a couple you should compromise.