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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Sex only to keep DH happy

49 replies

Whatnowwww · 21/04/2020 15:00

I’m 21 weeks PG and I have no libido whatsoever. I couldn’t be less interested. But DH is going on and on about needing it, saying once baby is born he won’t be getting any then either.
My baby is IVF and I just feel like she doesn’t need that sort of onslaught? Nor do I for that matter, but I’m seriously worried about this affecting my marriage. I can see how it is a big loss for a man to go 18 months or whatever with no action, five years ago I couldn’t go two days without it! I made him do it with me even when he was shattered from work/doing triathlons, poor man. So I know he’s not being uncaring per se. There’s no reason why I can’t do it other than just not being in the mood and irrationally worried. Has anyone else been in this position?

OP posts:

Bleepers · 21/04/2020 18:13

The sex won't hurt the baby but it seems a bit extreme if he is literally demanding it of you. Nevertheless, sex is normally an important part of a marriage so I think it's a good idea to make the effort even if you're not in the mood. I know that seems to be an unpopular view here but if you sure as hell won't be having much sex after the baby arrives and it's important to look after that side of your relationship or it will suffer in the long term.

TheSheepofWallSt · 21/04/2020 18:14

There’s something about your post, OP, that makes me think there’s more to this - “my baby is IVF and I feel like she doesn’t need that sort of onslaught. Nor do I...”

Why “my” baby not “our baby”?
Why is sex “an onslaught”?
Why is it an onslaught severe enough it would impact on the baby?

If you don’t want to have sex that is 100% your right to say “no” and your husband must not pressure you.
But I wonder what your life is like usually that you describe sex in such brutal terms- and that the baby is described as yours (singular rather than plural)?

HermioneWeasley · 21/04/2020 18:17

I don’t understand how you can want to have sex with someone who isn’t enthusiastically participating- how can you maintain arousal?

HeyDuggeewhatchadoin · 21/04/2020 18:18

This thread is awful to read, if your husband was the one carrying the baby, feeling fat, sick and spotty, would you make him have sex for your pleasure? Knowing he won't enjoy it? Its not like it's a permanent change to your sex drive, you're pregnant.
This man is supposed to love you and want you to be comfortable and happy, not to disregard your feelings and use you as a wank toy.

SmileyCloud · 21/04/2020 18:21

This is only my personal opinion but I feel like potentially 18 months is a horrifically long time to not have sex with your husband. It’s understandable that you may not want to have sex during pregnancy but I feel like it’s common to assume that once you have a baby your sex life goes out the window, it really does not have to be that way at all. I thinking keeping your relationship healthy and happy after a baby is so important as you need eachorher, I’m not saying that boils down purely to sex but intimacy is a massive thing to me and you can have a normal sex life and a baby

Superscientist · 21/04/2020 18:26

Intimacy is important in a relationship but that its necessarily the same as sex.
The other thing that is bad for a relationship is a lack of respect and if a partner is insisting on sex regardless of your consent that is not good for a relationship either.
Open dialogue is important and the reasons for a lack of libido. Mine comes down to the physical symptoms of pregnancy which is impacting other areas of my life too which my partner knows.
Maybe the other way to look at it is, what could your partner do to improve your interest in sex? If you are too tired by the end of the day maybe he could take some of the daily burden and you feel more energised or is it a time of day thing? Would you be more inclined earlier in the day when less fatigued?
If my partner could magic away my nausea and heartburn that might work for us!

catfeets · 21/04/2020 18:32

He sounds very immature and really shouldn't be 'going on and on' about needing sex.
I couldn't have sex throughout most of my pregnancy as I slipped a disc and also had pain from a growing fibroid. My DP got nothing for a large part of my pregnancy and he never once mentioned needing sex or asked me to help him out etc. I felt bad that I hadn't even touched him, but I didn't really want to so why should I?
We're now 8wks post birth and have had sex twice - and it was me that instigated it, he's more worried I'm not over the horrendous birth than thinking about his own needs.
Is your dh like that in other aspects of your relationship? Do you feel valued in other ways? I'd be very pissed off if my DP valued his needs over mine and the baby's.

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 19:45

Why do so many women give in to men.

Have we forgotten to say no.

Are we setting bad examples to the next generation of women.

Unless we say no, women will not learn that their own needs are important

triedandtestedteacher · 21/04/2020 19:54

This blog article is written by a man. He then went back and decided it was 'problematic' and has crossed bits out. Not saying I agree with him but it actually makes for quite interesting reading www.therulesrevisited.com/p/never-say-no-to-sex-edited.html?m=1

Verily1 · 21/04/2020 19:59

Why are there so many rapey men??

And why are there so many women willing to tolerate rapey men??

Original poster

Whatnowwww · 21/04/2020 20:23

Thank-you so much for your insights ladies, they are all so good to read. It is a difficult issue, when I had my son I was so sleep deprived we didn’t do it for the first nine months.
It’s the exhaustion and nausea that makes me so uninterested, as well as worry about knocking my bump etc. I told him earlier I will text him to come upstairs at the point I’ve just got my son to sleep and before I’m asleep as I generally pass out about 8pm these days (trying to make life easier for myself) and he said he can’t be booked in advance!! Whatever, I tried...

OP posts:

Success1986 · 21/04/2020 20:23

I totally get it ive been through IVF and I was terrified for anything to go wrong. I feel like you are more highly strung than someone who has maybe got pregnant on a whim. Anyways for the first 3 months also before that when eggs were being harvested, not a thing happened between the sheets then after I would give hom oral because i felt sorry for him 😆

Annamaria14 · 21/04/2020 20:43

@Whatnowwww you are thinking about what he wants.

Think about what you want! You are growing a baby! He is not!

Hoggleludo · 21/04/2020 21:54

I'm the same as @MeadowHay

I didn't have sex for nearly 10 months after my first. I spent almost a year in hospital. I was in and out after 8 months

I found it really hard after my children were born. Mother and sexual just didn't comprehend for me. It took me a loooooong time to realise that you can be a mother and be sexual. But I'm talking years. It's only recently that I've found it becoming much easier. My youngest is 6!!!

Hoggleludo · 21/04/2020 21:58

@HeyDuggeewhatchadoin

Totally agree. This thread has appalled me. The women saying you must satisfy your partner even if you don't feel like it

Makes me feel sick to be honest.

roarfeckingroar · 21/04/2020 22:11

We haven't been having sex much since I've been pregnant and DP brought up that he knows I'm tired and not feeling great so he is going to completely leave it and just cuddle me until I suggest I'm up for anything else. He also knows where his hand is and would hate me to feel any pressure ever. Surely this is normal behaviour in a loving equal relationship, especially during pregnancy?

roarfeckingroar · 21/04/2020 22:18

This thread is really upsetting to read. So many men putting pressure on their pregnant vulnerable partners; so many women letting themselves be pressured into sex they don't want.

SmileyCloud · 21/04/2020 22:33

Jesus Christ the fact someone has actually written on this thread “how are there so many rapey men”?! Rape is not to be trivialised and at no point has anyone on this thread suggested their husband has raped them. The OP openly said at times she had sex with her husband even though he was tired and she “made him do it”.. does this make her “rapey”?! absolutely not. Sorry OP this is absolutely not a dig at you at all, as I said before, you do whatever you’re comfortable with and can’t bare to see genuine sexual abuse be confused with a horny husband who has been told no!

MeadowHay · 21/04/2020 22:44

A horny husband who says no and yet proceeds to pressure their partner into having sex with them is utterly vile.

MeadowHay · 21/04/2020 22:44

*who has been told no

SmileyCloud · 21/04/2020 22:50

Yes I agree if he genuinely pressures his wife into sex then yes that is not okay, but i don’t feel the OP said she’d been pressured, she was worried about keeping him happy and he has thrown his toys out the pram slightly but nothing an adult conversation can’t of resolve. I just find the word rape being thrown around a little extreme, especially when the OP said at times she made her husband have sex with her when he wasn’t in the mood.

Thekindyoufindinasecondhand · 21/04/2020 22:55

I'm 24 weeks and completely understand where you're coming from in terms of sex drive, I think there is a lot of myths surrounding 'horny pregnant women'....in my experience it couldn't be further from the truth!
Have you had a frank and open discussion away from the bedroom, please don't ever feel pressured into having sex, husband or not!
I had an open conversation and told my husband I'm not feeling sexy or in the mood but I still make sure I'm physically intimate in other ways, kissing, cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, telling him I find him attractive etc. I'm sure he definitely would like more but hey ho I'm carrying our baby so he will have to just make use of his hands for a bit

KellyHall · 21/04/2020 23:07

Just say no!

I was desperate for sex all through my pregnancy but it was my dh who just didn't want to. So we didn't, because I'd rather masturbate every day than have sex with someone who didn't want to do it.

I've bee in relationships when I was younger where I felt pressurised into having sex and it's really wrong.

NicNac100 · 22/04/2020 09:15

@KellyHall haha me too! We did it up to when I was about 5 months gone but now I think I'm just a bit too big and bulky (35 weeks) and I'm not looking or feeling my best lol. Plus I think he worries it will hurt the baby (silly of him but fair enough). I must admit it's really quite hard to manoeuvre myself around at this stage so we just have to sort ourselves out in the meantime as and when. I'm looking forward to things going back to semi normal (or as much as they can with a baby around) afterwards but think I will be a bit nervous the first time - guess it all depends on how bad a labour I have/tearing etc.

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