Surname help?!

[Bittersweet12]

Hi girls! Bit of a long ish one.

So me and my partner wasn't 'actively trying' for a baby but agreed once it happened we would be happy about this.
I don't think my partner expected it to happen as quick as it did and when i found out I was pregnant he was a bit of a prat, saying 'oh I don't feel ready for this ideally I don't want this right now'
I was so upset, and I knew this was sooo out of character for him as we've been together 4 years never argued or anything really so guessed it was shock as Ive head some of my friends partners be a little on the irresponsible side at the start of their pregnancies. I thought I would give it a week and see if his tune changed at all.
During that week, he did actually say he was sorry he acted the way he did and would support me no matter what!
I then became a little upset on the thought of us not all having the same surname (I was never bothered by this before at all, I put it down to early pregnancy hormones haha) so I approached him on this, asking if we could get married before baby to all share the last name as it felt like a big deal to me! He agreed to this, so I did book a notice of marriage appointment.
Few days later he said 'I don't feel ready for this as it feels rushed because of baby'
I was upset by this as I felt it was something else he let me down over! I then said well I'd like baby to have my surname then. He did (not happily) agree to this.
I'm now almost 32 weeks pregnant and all of that happened in the first few months of the pregnancy and since all that he'd been amazingly supportive, happy about having a daughter and has apologised for his attitude at the start admitting he was completely upset with how he acted.

I now feel bad that baby would have my surname, as I said all this was months ago so I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way now, just like to know someone else's opinion on this!
Thank you!!!

I also dont have same surname as my old half but I am going to change it to his by deed poll.its easy and inexpensive. It was my idea and he was thrilled. We do want to get married but I need a divorce first from my ex. Maybe suggest deed poll to him? So your all the same.

Other half not old lol

Gove the baby your surname - 100%

I didn't and regret it every day.

I didn't want to marry pre DS but that changed in pregnancy and it became a bit of an obsession. DP was upset that I'd changed my mind and we've struggled as, although DP was willing to marry he didn't want to and I found that hurtful.

We've now come full circle, DPs dad was ill and for a while DPs Mum was faced with possibly making some tough decisions. DP finally saw why the commitment of marriage was important and we were meant to get married in july (on hold due to Covid)

Every time I say ds' name I'm reminded and it's been tough.

Double barrelling could be an option?

@Jadegkeaney we was always planning on double barrelling both of our surnames as there both not the nicest 😂 and at this time we actually bought the documents to do this! But then as I say after he did switch up on me and say he felt it was just 'forced' because of baby. After all the effort and him switching up way he did that was why I said well I'd like baby to have mine. Which is what has been settled ever since.
As I said this was at the veryyyy beginning and has been amazing. So not sure whether I should stick to my guns or what haha

@Bridecilla so sorry about the situation!!! What would you of done if you'd of given baby your name and you did decide to get married tho? Was that ever a thought or anything? X

@Bienentrinkwasser not sure if you saw my other comment, but we was always going to double barrel our names when we got married anyway, all of us as our names are a little shite😂 so when OH said he was up for marriage at the start of things we actually paid for the depol documents but then after is when he 'changed his mind'
Like I said this was at the start and since he's been amazing supportive just unsure now haha

Give the baby your surname. If you ever get married/change your name you can just change your daughter’s at the same time. He sounds a bit flaky to be honest, whereas you are carrying and giving birth to her - she should have your name. If he wants you all to have the same name he can take steps to sort that (but I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t).

Give the baby your surname, just yours, this is actually what’s traditional and always has been. If you do marry you can always change the baby’s name if you want to. This doesn’t sound like the most secure relationship for a start and I know so many women who regret giving their child the surname of a man who then sodded off

We aren’t married & have two kids. Wasn’t even a thought really, both DDs have my partners surname. We want to get married one day, we decided to have kids first. We are no different to our married friends. We own a house together, cars, sofas, we share our wages.. we have two kids! We just haven’t signed a bit of paper. It’s so unimportant to us in the grand scheme. Wouldn’t alter our lives one bit (although I’d like the ring ). But I’m very sure barring anything awful, he’s who ill spend the rest of my life with.

I can see why he maybe backed out of getting married like you suggested. Maybe he wants to do it all romantically with a proposal etc and not just on a whim because you are pregnant!

My husband and I have different surnames because I didn’t change mine . I’m not bothered if people think we are married or not but I can completely understand why some people do care .

We gave our boy a hyphenated surname and it feels so special .

Whatever you decide , remember that it’s a name and It can be changed .

Definitely your surname. You are the one who had been consistent throughout. If he is still like this after the baby is born and is unable to handle being a father you will massively regret giving her his name, if on the other hand you do get married later down the line, you can both add his name on together.

You are the one carrying and birthing the baby - give him or her your surname. You gave your partner the option of sorting this out months ago and he didn't take it. Also I feel that as you've been together 4 years and he's not proposed, even when he found out you were pregnant, that it's unlikely to happen in the future. If it did, he could take your and the baby's surname if he wanted to be the same.

Another who says give your child your surname if you aren't married. I didn't, and although we are married now, it practically caused issues at airports since I was always challenged - mostly returning to the UK.

Given that I carried, birthed and do most of the caring I felt resentful of this treatment - and I have a supporting and committed DH.

Based on how up and down he’s being, I’d give the baby your name. I say this as someone who gave my DD my DP’s name. We are married now and all have the same name but DH showed me with his actions that he was committed to us. He talked frequently about us getting married and proposed when the time was right for us as a couple (DD was unexpected very early in our relationship). We’re now expecting DD2.

it practically caused issues at airports since I was always challenged - mostly returning to the UK.

I never had this issue. We went abroad a few times with DD when my surname was different. No one questioned it once. I don’t know if that’s because DD is the image of me or because DH was with me too...

Definitely give the baby your surname. I wouldn't 100% trust him to not be overwhelmed when the baby comes and try to back off again.

We're not planning on getting married at all. We have decided to give baby a hyphenated surname like a PP which we are both very happy with.

Definitely 100% give baby your surname. I gave my kids my partner's surname for a whole host of reasons that really just boiled down to good old internalised misogyny (like thinking my last name was "really" my father's, who I had a lot of issues with, or thinking it was more "traditional" to give the man's surname when really it isn't etc). I was OK with it for a year or 2 but eventually it really got to me. So we changed them by deed poll to be double barralled. I don't plan to ever take dps surname if we marry, but I feel much better now that the kids share my name. But I still regret ever giving them his tbh. It hurts me to see it on their original birth certificates. It hurts me to think that I used to think my identity was more disposible than his, despite the fact that all the reproductive (and most of the parenting) labour has been mine. Anyway, double barrelled is better than nothing but I'd rather they just had my name and had had it from the start.

Definitely give the baby your surname. This is the 'correct' thing to do etiquette wise and the right thing to do socially. If you decide to change your name in the future you can do the same for your child.

Just to add that changing a surname via deed poll requires the permission of everyone with PR and I can almost guarantee you that if you split up it will be like getting blood from a stone getting him to give his permission. If you give baby your surname then you can still choose to add his, change to his, whatever if you marry or split up, but it will be you who holds the cards not him. He doesn't sound invested so don't give away a single scrap more power than you have to because you won't get it back and he may well use it against you. I've see it happen plenty of times.

I've got my dads surname over my mums as they weren't married - at school I was asked why it was different but that was over 20 years ago and by the time I went to secondary no-one batted an eyelid. My mum has never been married and my half siblings also have my step-dads surname - never had an issue, we all quite like that we've got these little differences to reflect our ancestry.

Currently 33 weeks pregnant, not married but DC will have my partners surname - we're talking about when we'll get married and I've actually said I'm going to keep my surname for most things as I quite like it over his.

It's all a preference, but remember everything can be changed later on if you want to.

I think it's interesting that you are coming round to the idea of doing this for him, but he hasn't actually come round to the idea of marrying you has he?
Will you be going back to work when the baby comes? Is he going to share parental leave with you etc? There are financial risks involved (for you). Since you been together happily for about five years now and are having a baby why won't he get married?

I'm pregnant and not married. Baby is having my surname, with DP's surname added as a second middle name. It seems fair. Also DP has his mum's surname as his middle name, and his sister has her surname as nephew's middle name (I think it might be a Scottish thing?) so it feels kind of traditional. If we ever get married I will consider changing my name and swapping DC's around, but that's in the future.

Would that work for you?

Give DC your surname. After you get married you re-register your children and can include your family name being the double barrelled one.

My older dc have ex’s surname and I’ve had problems when travelling. I’ve always carried around their birth certificates and the court orders showing I am allowed to remove them from the country for holiday etc.

I wouldn’t risk not having the same surname as my baby especially if partner was so flaky and flip flopped over whether he wanted kids and whether he wanted to get married after the fact.

You can change your dc’s surname after you get married.