Overbearing grandparents

[ejmay90]

I'm 38+1 weeks pregnant and have had a heated discussion with both grandmothers today due to our disagreement on posting the birth on Facebook.
I came off social media last june when I had a miscarriage, I'm now just about to have our rainbow baby and I decided I will go back on when he is born and I want to be the first to post the news. If and when I am ready.
Both grandparents have said I need to do this quickly as they want to post and show everyone the baby.
I'm livid and got very frustrated at both of them. Is it not my choice when to post the birth of my son, is it also not my choice if I even want my son all over social media? Why has Facebook become such a big deal to everyone. Especially our parents. I was so happy off it for a year and don't know why it has become such a thing. All the important people in our lives will know by phone/text ect so why does it need to be plastered over everything.
I've told them my feelings but feel they are going to get ignored :(
My other half isnt on Facebook either and said he backs me either way and will tell everyone what the deal is but still think it will get ignored.

I also want my grandma to see pictures before it goes on Facebook as she doesn't do social media and doesn't have a picture phone. So feel until we can show her a picture through the glass (during this current time) I dont want everyone to see.
I told my other half if they don't respect my wishes I wont be sending them a picture of him when he's born so they can't post it.

Sorry for the rant, anyone else been in this situation?

Why do they care about the opinions of people on social media? Certainly seems a bit odd to me at their age... Technology can be an awful thing. Also I can see why it’s unsettling when you and your partner won’t know what’s written, although it’s clearly all good intentions!

I totally understand this as have been off Facebook for well over a year due to declining mental health due to social media use. Coming off it was the best thing I ever did, now my mum posts pregnant pictures of me(?!) and then tells me, so having the baby plastered all over the internet is a bit of a worry...

You have my sympathies. My Dad posted the birth of my DS2 on facebook 10 minutes after he was born! Neither me nor DH has facebook or other social media out of personal preference and DS2 was born late at night. I woke to a flurry of texts the next morning congratulating me but of course I had no idea how anyone knew in the first place My Dad's not overbearing in any way and he meant no harm he was just excited. My MIL also demanded to be informed the second I went into labour with DS1 so she could announce it and wait. Needless to say we didn't tell her until DS1 was born. It's hard work trying to keep off social media now, everyone seems to accept it and also, especially if it's your first, everyone is excited and chomping at the bit. I'd say don't tell anyone til baby is born, don't send pics either if you don't want or make it clear if you do that they are not to go on facebook. Make your wishes clear now - your OH will have to do his bit with his mother too. Be blunt, you're pregnant and have the 'excuse' of hormones I ended up having quite the argument with my mum after DS2 was born about the interference and lack of respect for my wishes or parenting style. I told her quite firmly she'd had her kids and her chance to do things 'her way' and now this was my time. I won't lie, she didn't speak to me for 2 days (I literally blew up) but then she called and apologised and has respected my parenting ever since.

Yep my MIL was like this.

I would tell them the baby is born straight away but dont give away any details e.g. name, sex, weight, photo. That way the worst they can do is a post saying the baby is born but with no further details!

After a couple of hours to chill out, text a photo of the baby to somebody you trust to show your grandma. Once theyve done it, fo your FB announcement and send photo/details to the grandparents at the same time.

I wouldn't go by their word, they will probably post the photo anyway and say they got 'over excited' (which always seems to be an acceptable excuse for grandparents overstepping the mark on MN).

Take matters into your own hands and get your boundaries laid down ASAP.

FWIW I had a similar incident but with mine I said no hospital visitors - I have a big family and didnt want to have to pick and choose who to visit. My family respected it, MIL drove 2 hours to turn up anyway. I still feel annoyed she managed to spring the visit on us while my family missed out because they respected my wishes.

My mum posted "I'm like an excited kid at Christmas" whilst I was in having an emergency section after 30+ hours in labour. Nobody actually knew baby was on the way up until this point as I just felt like.id had no privacy, when it came to the emergency section we sort of felt we should probably tell people, but didn't expect a lack of privacy respect so rapidly.

I'd specifically said I didn't want dates of birth/names/pictures on Facebook due to certain family members and tensions and this really got to me. Ontop of that she then disclosed it to relatives I don't get on with and proceeded to turn up with presents off people I'd never heard of let alone met, then suggested I should have written them thank you cards. Things became VERY heated.

Depending on your relationship with them maybe just don't tell them AS SOON as the baby is born. Take a bit of time for yourselves and to notify who you want to. This mightn't be to your taste, and this being Mumsnet I expect people with pitch forks to turn up the moment I post this, however your body, your baby, if they can't respect your wishes, then maybe don't give them the information (that strictly speaking they're not "entitled to") straight away.

IL’s are such a nightmare about babies! They just seem to morph into total weirdo’s.

We were VERY clear in advance that there were to be no pictures of our child on the internet full stop. I would suggest getting your husband to absolutely lay down the law and explain that you will be furious if you are not respected.

I cannot believe the previous poster’s MIL said she was excited about an emergency c section. How utterly traumatic.

Thanks everyone, so glad it's not just me and I'm not overreacting!
I have no idea why they are so fixated on social media, especially being over 60 themselves which I find odd.
I said to my partner they didnt have Facebook back then so they had no choice to post or not, now I feel pressured to post before they do and I'm disgusted they've put me in that position and haven't respected my wishes. MIL also said other half sister would love to post asap and hasn't even spoke to her so is assuming she won't respect our wishes either (think she would more than his mum)
Both grandmothers have said they want calls/texts the minute I go into labour. My mum I understand a bit more but I'm not sure why his needs to know asap!
I know they are both excited as it's first grandchild on both sides but even if I left it a week to post why is it such an issue! It's not like they can come and see him either during this current situation so what's the difference.
I got so upset and cried my eyes out earlier (hormones running wild right now) and I shouldn't be made to feel like this.
Going to have a few stern conversations before little one comes to make sure my wishes are respected!

I'm sorry some of you have had to go through similar, it's supposed to be such a lovely time without all this silly stress added on top!

Thanks again :)

I agree with everything above.
When I announced my pregnancy I categorically told my entire family, not to put anything on Facebook about me being pregnant.
I told them it was a private matter for me and DH and only friends and family to know and not the entire world!
I have also told everyone that the birth will not be announced on Facebook either and no photos or comments to be added or shared by anyone. We do not want our baby plastered on social media.
If they disregard mine and DH's wishes then we will be furious!
I know my mom is going to be the one that spills it on Facebook, but I have warned her and I know this sounds slightly psychotic but I will literally scream at her and refuse to send any photos to her, or allow her to take photos of baby.
Yours, DH and babies privacy should be respected.
Whilst all good intentions are there with your family members, it is not their life they are splattering across social media for all to see, it is yours.
I hope it works out for you 🤞🤞

Speaking of total nightmare grandparents... Here is an approximation of an actual conversation I overheard when going for my early scan 6 weeks ago between the father of the baby and his OH's sister on a coffee break (must have been her birthing partners - prelockdown)
Father - my mum won't stop ringing and asking when the baby will be born! I've told her I don't know and she just said 'I'm being pushed out! I'm not being kept in the loop!' (This bit is word for word!!!)
Sister - what do you mean? She knows X is in labour. It takes as long as it takes.
Father - she said if I don't know then I need to go and ask the doctors. I told her the doctors won't know either and she just said 'why wouldn't the doctors know her long it takes to give birth?' (I nearly spat out my drink at this point as she has obviously been through labour herself to get her son)
Sister - ffs, just don't tell my sister. She doesn't need the stress right now (hurrah for common sense!)
All I could think of was that poor woman going through labour only to find her MIL had turned into that grandparent the second the baby popped out.
So I suppose it could always be worse

Tell them they're stressing you out and ruining what should be a happy time for you and your DH. If they don't stop, they won't be hearing from you until you're home with the baby and shared pics and news with people who are respecting your boundaries.

I feel your pain - good luck xxx I had the opposite, as we are in lockdown I thought my OH could text our “need to know” list, then my mum could post on FB for us. She politely declined lol! Seriously, I ask her to do one thing...parents probably can’t win, we’ll all learn that in the coming years

My dad also announced my daughters birth on Facebook before I had a chance to tell some of my cousins, I genuinely didn’t mind as he was just so excited and it was so lovely but I completely understand where you’re coming from, I actually think the older generation are more addicted to Facebook than the younger generation and they aren’t savvy enough to know how to use it properly! He also uploaded a picture my mum had sent him of the baby in my arms, the chosen picture had so much side boob peaking out my hospital gown I’m surprised it didn’t get bloody reported!!

Also to add I never “announced” my pregnant or birth on Facebook or uploaded any photos! I did upload a photo the other day of me and her on Mother’s Day and I got a few comments along the lines of “I didn’t know you had a baby”.. I’m of the opinion that if you don’t know someone well enough to know they had a baby without the aid of social medi, you don’t need to know they’ve had baby! Also I’d sit them down and ensure they know your limits on what you are happy for them to post, I have told my parents absolutely no photos of her in the bath, just a nappy etc

Why does mums and MILs think it's about them? When my DCs were born, way back when, we deliberately didn't tell anyone that I was in labour - firstvthey knew was when dh phoned once he was on his way home from the hospital. And when dgc was born a couple of years ago, although DS and DIL chose to tell us when she was in labour, we never posted on facebook. To this day, I have never posted a picture of dgc on facebook - I do comment on pics that are posted by ds and DIL, but I really don't think it's for me to post pictures. I just don't understand why anyone except the child's parents would think they have that right?

Thank you everyone!

@eventhecathasapenis that is such a ridiculous conversation you heard! I can't believe that. Hopefully it's not like that when I go into labour lol!

@SmileyCloud I also haven't posted my pregnancy on social media so like you only the people that are important know, not my old classmate from primary schools mum who I have no contact with!

@imok I have no idea! They are both in their 60s and seem obsessed with fb! I however am not as it's been a year since I've been on. I said to OH what if I want my child to be private and not splashed all over it? Then they have to respect it. I'm glad you respect their wishes, just wish my mum and MIL were like you!

MIL is a bit like this but in real life. We told PILs earlier this pregnancy as I was very unwell and could not hide it, but also told them that we dont want anyone else to know until 12 weeks, well she went on tu bublle all of her hundreds family members and neighbours.

I completely feel you in regards to overbearing! I often find when I post about it too, they're excused by being 'over excited' and that I must be mean to want to spoil their excitement / 'you must be a first time mum'.
I think you just have to be strong and stand by your thoughts. They're your baby and yours alone (apart from your OH obviously ha) and you need to be clear about what boundaries you have. If people can't respect that, then they shouldn't get privilege of the baby in my view.

I had MIL wanting to know why she wasn't told I was in labour when she got the announcement, turning up unannounced for extra visits when other people hadn't even had one, kissing baby when she gets cold sores and asking to be the one to feed him when he was a day old.

Stay strong, you have every right to have your own boundaries and people should respect them.

Not just grandparents, aunts/uncles/friends. I didn't want date of birth or names on facebook. Ds1, somebody posted on my wall to ask if I had the baby yet and someone who knew because I had messaged them responded withcallxthe details. Still feel robbed thatch didn't get to tell people first and in the way I would want to. The people post happy birthday every year. How they remember my kids birthday I don't know. I certainly don't remember theirs!

@SparkleUK - oh Lord! The 'feeding issue'.. I'd almost forgotten that gem. MIL said she was buying a cot so she could have DS1 overnight and we said don't bother because I'm trying breastfeeding.

Well breastfeeding was a success and I stuck with it so all I heard after that was MIL loudly talking about how 'all her friends are asking about grandparent duty and she just keeps saying she can't because I'm breastfeeding'... Even my mum started saying 'you're going to have to put him on a bottle soon so I can feed him when you go back to work.' I'm still not sure why either my mum or my MIL thought they'd get a say on how I fed my baby

Don’t tell them when the baby is born - give yourself some space and time. Don’t use FB to let everyone know. Just text the people you want to know your good news. A picture can wait. Tell both sets of parents that any pictures of your baby on social media are not to be circulated to anyone unless you agree - do you want your DC’s photo circulating around social media without you knowing who has access to it.

Get a couple of photos printed - post them to the grandparents and they can show friends when the lockdown is over. The grandparents might have quite a wait before meeting the baby due to the lockdown so printed photos should help.

@ejmay90
To be honest, it's not even about respecting their wishes. My dcs and DIL like to post pictures of our dgc on facebook, but I just think that it's their choice to post pics of their child. I am sure that if I desperately wanted to post a pic of dgc, if I asked them, they would be fine with it. It's just that I think it's should always be their choice. I also always ask if it's OK for me to send any pics/videos I've got to other relatives such as my aunts. Again, they've always said its OK and said I don't need to ask. But I will, out of respect for them as the parents.
I really hope your parents and ILs respect your feelings on this.

@eventhecathasapenis
How dare you choose to feed your baby in a way that suits you both instead of other people 🤣. Reassuring to hear so many hsve had similar experiences.

MIL randomly came to our house without saying, miles away to give us an outfit she must have recently bought, because she was worried he'd outgrow it before she could see him then wanted him disturbing to bring him to the window do she could take photos of him. I appreciate kindness and how hard these times are but in these circumstances, not an essential journey and I found a bit weird..

Have and so*
Typing with a sleeping baby on you doesn't work!

I feel you OP, but now is the time to stand your ground as unfortunately this will probably be the first of many times!

We chose not to post on SM at all, but SIL took this so badly that she's barely speaking to us 8m on.. I don't know if she took it as an insult because she literally posts 10pics a day of DN (fair enough, that's her choice), or because she wasn't going to get a load of likes from randomers for the cute baby picture. One GP actually said the words "but everyone else gets to do it"... So I asked what response DH & I got as kids when we trotted out that line

This is weird. Why do they NEED to be the first to post it and why does that matter?

It seems they're being completely unreasonable, not to mention utterly insensitive to your situation.

Lay down the rules to the point of being an ar**le... i.e. "No phones and I mean it. You are not taking a photo of MY child until I say so. Don't like it? Don't come."

How is that not your only response to them?

Totally understand this! I thought it was common knowledge that no one else apart from the parents of a newborn should announce its arrival on social media... when I had my son my other half's ignorant cousin posted on our Facebook wall as I was still getting stitched up, safe to say I absolutely lost it when I found out and made my other half call her and ask to take it down... those first few days with your new baby is so precious, you need your privacy and not every Tom, Dick n Harry messaging you for the details! Hope they respect your wishes OP, make sure you are firm and say you won't send them any pictures at this rate as you just can't trust them... wishing you a happy n healthy arrival x