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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't want our baby. Is it right for me to keep it?

35 replies

AbbyMarie · 17/04/2020 09:19

I have gotten the chance to travel abroad, where I met my boyfriend. He is a biologist who just graduated with his masters degree. He was told by a doctor during puberty that he was sterile, so we weren't expecting anything. Lo and behold, I am now 8 weeks pregnant! When I first told him, he looked at me and said "You know we can't keep it."

Over time he warmed up to it and yesterday told his mom and his coworkers. His mum offered us a large sum of money (somewhere around 20,000 euro) to buy a new apartment for the baby. She is very traditional (and nosey) so I told him not to take it. He was very upset with me, saying I was being illogical. Even when I explained why I felt the way I did, he didn't really care.

This morning, he says I am forcing him to keep the baby and he feels trapped. I told him I didn't want to make him feel this way - so I left and went home to my own apartment.

We are two educated adults with lots of life experience in our mid twenties and I feel like I am going crazy. Every time I convince him to be excited about the baby, the next day it evaporates.

Am I a horrible person to keep the baby?

OP posts:
Littlebb2020 · 17/04/2020 09:23

He might be an educated adult but he sounds immature and like he doesn’t know what he wants.

I’m guessing you had unprotected sex because he told you he was sterile? 🙄.

I think you need to sit down and have a good long talk about what you both want. Tbh I’d be devastated if my other half didn’t want our baby. That’s why we talked planned and tried for a baby when we were both ready. He doesn’t sound ready at all, if he was told he was sterile you’d think he’d be over the moon to find out he can actually have children.
My advice is to communicate. If he doesn’t want the baby then I’d think about parenting alone.

MarieQueenofScots · 17/04/2020 09:26

It isn’t his decision, as simple as

It is 100% your decision and you must do what is right for you.

Original poster
AbbyMarie · 17/04/2020 09:28

We did have unprotected sex but I was on the pill. I work a lot (like 10 hours a day) and I forgot to take them for a few days.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/04/2020 09:31

How long have you been together? Do you want to have the baby knowing he won’t be involved?

I wouldn’t try to convince him to be excited - he didn’t think he could have kids and knowing he said he was infertile you must have been fine knowing you’d never have kids with him. But you’re pregnant now and whether to go ahead is up to you, and you need to make a decision based on little to no support from him.

VettiyaIruken · 17/04/2020 09:33

The first question here is do you want to have a child with or without him? Do you want, right now, to have and raise a child?

PersonaNonGarter · 17/04/2020 09:35

He has been supportive and so have his family. I think this must have come as a huge shock to him but he has come around - that seems normal for an unmarried ‘surprise’.

It sounds as if you want the baby. So keep it.

Original poster
AbbyMarie · 17/04/2020 09:35

We talked about abortion early on (as it is time restricted in Romania, where we live). He said "This isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing, I just don't want it right now."

When I said I would regret having an abortion for the rest of my life, he said, "I would be sad too, but that's not what matters. It's just a clump of cells."

OP posts:
merryhouse · 17/04/2020 09:37

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in his country?

... because if you have the baby there, whether he wants it or not, he can insist you stay. If you're happy to be a foreign single parent with no support then fair enough; otherwise come home.

And if you take a large sum of money from his mother (presumably that's nowhere near enough to fully buy the apartment?) she'll have a say in your lives too. Would the apartment be owned by both of you or just by him? So you've made a very sensible decision there Grin

How certain are you that he genuinely thought he was infertile?

crockydoodle · 17/04/2020 09:37

Your baby isn't an it or a thing. It will become a living breathing person. How are you horrible for wanting to protect and nurture this future person. Decide for yourself, don't let him manipulate you into something you don't want. I get the feeling you want to keep the baby.

Original poster
AbbyMarie · 17/04/2020 09:44

My reasoning for not taking the money is because she would have a say in our lives. No judgement, but I am not religious and she is piously Orthodox and very superstitious. I am an American citizen, actually, so I do have certain legal sway here but I am a very nontraditional person.

For instance, my mom is a lesbian who is married to another woman, etc. This kid would be living a very nontraditional life and I know she wouldn't like that. Here in Romania most children are raised 50 to 60% by their grandparents - and that freaks me out!

OP posts:
Aly92 · 17/04/2020 09:44

He sounds horrible and selfish. If you truly want this baby then forget him, move away and build your life with your baby. He doesn’t seem like husband or life long partner material anyway. When someone shows their true colours, believe them

MotherOfDragonBoys · 17/04/2020 09:50

I'm totally with merryhouse here. If you have this baby in Romania then the baby becomes an ordinary resident meaning if you then split up and decide to bring baby back to the UK you can be charged under The Hague Convention and made to return the baby to Romania. I know it's a morbid thought and I'm sorry but it's something you absolutely must consider. I also agree the father to be sounds flaky and you might be raising this baby alone. Do you want his mother to have such a hold over you and baby? I wouldn't.

It sounds as though you clearly want the baby so that is the end of the arguement as far as I'm concerned - you're the one carrying the baby so your choice. But I do think you should absolutely be prepared to be a single parent and you need to decide sooner rather than later where you want to do that.

cleopatrascorset · 17/04/2020 09:59

"It is 100% your decision and you must do what is right for you."

No no no. You do what's right for the baby, not what's right for you.

Seems to me you are young, not well off, in a foreign country, with an unsupportive father, and difficult wider family. This does not appear to be a good situation for the baby.

strawberry2017 · 17/04/2020 10:01

My thinking is you move home to where you have family support and have the baby if that's what you want to do.
If you are going ahead I don't think Romania is the right place to have the baby, I think you will end up in a difficult situation with his family and no support.

Miraclescometrue · 17/04/2020 10:01

Would you be having the baby in Romania?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 17/04/2020 10:03

I would be leaving the country, you need legal protection

fuckinghellthisshit · 17/04/2020 10:06

If I were you I would move back to my mothers for to make my decision. I have close friends who have had children in Chile and Poland respectively and had an absolutely horrendous time. Think very carefully whether you want to spend you life in Romania, he can insist and it sounds like his family would be on board with this.

MotherOfDragonBoys · 17/04/2020 10:07

@NoMorePoliticsPlease - completely agree. Romania does not sound like a safe place for the OP personally to have this baby.

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/04/2020 10:07

If the father’s name isn’t on the birth certificate, you can leave the country with the child without any difficulty.

Fanthorpe · 17/04/2020 10:08

The question surely is do you want a baby now? Your choice, your body. All the other considerations rely on this.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 17/04/2020 10:13

If you want a baby, are prepared to be a single mother, can financially afford a child as a single parent

You do also need to think if you have this mans baby you will be connected to him always, at any time he could decide he wants to see the child, you could be fighting over Maintence. Is he the kind of man you want to be tied too?

Runnerduck34 · 17/04/2020 10:18

Sounds like your partners all over the place, in a way understandable but definitely not what you need right now.
I think you need to work on the basis if you decide to keep the baby you will not receive support from him.
I would also say that you must go home and give birth in your home country , I think this will give you better legal protection if the worst happens, do seek legal clarification.
Does your job give you the opportunity to go back to the states? What support do you have from your family?

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/04/2020 10:36

Honestly I’d arrange to leave. I wouldn’t say anything, my guess is if you don’t contact him he won’t make much too much effort to contact you & just leave.

From what I hear women’s rights in Romania aren’t what you’d call progressive.

I’m suspicious about the whole sterile thing too, sounds like an excuse not to use condoms.

Fanthorpe · 17/04/2020 10:47

And if he thought he was sterile it’s quite a big thing he’s going through now, I’m not surprised he’s all over the place.

Qgardens · 17/04/2020 10:53

If you are prepared to raise this baby alone if need be, then keep it.
You have to assume that it is a real possibility that your relationship won't work out with the stresses of an unwanted baby by dp and conflicting child rearing attitudes. If all suites work out in the end then that is a bonus.

If being a single parent is really not palatable then you have no choice to terminate.

Make your decision based on the worse case scenario - raising your child alone.