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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Father of unborn stressing me out

41 replies

livvvv · 13/04/2020 19:22

I'm 7 months pregnant and can feel myself getting more and more stressed and angry about certain situations as my pregnancy progresses. Just looking for abit of a vent and advice on how other people cope or would deal with these situation from an outside point of view. I really cannot stand my ex and finding it really difficult accepting the fact that he is going to be in my life the next how many years. He's really stubborn manipulative and selfish he suffers from really bad mental health issues and uses this as an excuse for eveything (one of the reasons I ended it). Through this whole pregnancy so far he hasn't been supportive emotionally or even financially. He never checks in to see how things are going he hasn't bothered to turn up to any of the midwife/hospital appointment even though I've let him know each time when they would be. He also as of yet hasn't even offered to help pay or buy anything for the baby and everytime I ask him why he makes up an excuse to why he doesn't feel he should have to leaving me to pay for everything, but then thinks that he's the right to be at the birth even if I don't want him to be and that once the baby is born that he should be allowed to have the newborn over night as many times as he pleases which I do not feel comfortable doing in the slightest. He also thinks he's entitled to have the baby have his last name He and just expects everything to be how he wants it and at this point. I just feel so stressed am I being unreasonable for not wanting these things any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

happytoday73 · 13/04/2020 19:27

Do you want him to be part of your baby life? Do you want him to be part of yours? Objectively-Could he be a good dad?

If the answer to all 3 is no... Don't put him down on birth certificate, don't give baby his surname, don't tell him when you go into labour or when baby arrives....
But if you do this you need to accept you are doing this on your own....

libdan450 · 13/04/2020 19:55

Yeah I mean the answer to all of them would be no but I just know he's not the sort of person to let that happen either. Just finding it all abit too stressful. I have no problem doing it on my own. Think I'm just more annoyed at myself for having a baby with someone who i just wouldn't want to be the father to my child but not a lot I can do about that now I just want things to be done right and as less stressful for me as possible.

ahsan · 13/04/2020 20:03

Could have written this post myself, are you sure it isn’t the same man

ahsan · 13/04/2020 20:04

My ex is exactly the same

libdan450 · 13/04/2020 20:10

@ahsan that comment made me laugh 😂 ex are trash honestly

Lllot5 · 13/04/2020 20:13

Well he won’t know you’re in labour if you don’t tell him so he won’t be at the birth. Don’t give the baby his last name, don’t put him on birth certificate.
If he wants access he can take you to court. Sounds like he won’t bother. Just stop talking to him.
Good luck.

ahsan · 13/04/2020 20:30

😂yes I’m 9 months pregnant he has paid for nothing, hasn’t seen me for months yet exacts to see the baby and no doubt have his surname and be involved. Had no emotional support either. They are just trash no doubt he will not bother either

Aly92 · 13/04/2020 20:34

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. If he’s going to be a deadbeat anyway, no point putting him on there because he’ll just make your life hell. Even if he doesn’t care about the baby he’ll go out of his way to make you miserable. Do you have family support? Keep your distance and when you go into labour don’t tell him. Right now their not even allowing partners but in case you can always tell them not to let him in. Stay strong I’ve seen men like him. He had his name on that certificate and the rest of your life is going to be hell

libdan450 · 13/04/2020 20:43

Yeah I think that's probably the best thing for me to do I'm not going to put him on the birth certificate as he's already showing the lack of supports interest and I don't want him having parental responsibility especially when it's more then likely I'll be doing everything to support and raise the child. I'm sure he'll kick up a fuss but not because he cares about the child but just to make things as hard for me as possible. Yeah I have support from my mum and friends Thankyou

ahsan · 13/04/2020 20:57

😘understand your pain follow what you feel is right you’ll be fine

Piper1879 · 13/04/2020 21:34

I'm literally in the same position. I've heard nothing from my ex since I was 8 weeks pregnant and he was demanding an abortion. I'm now 20 weeks , I have come to terms with the fact that he doesn't care , it's a horrible situation but my baby will be loved the world over by myself and my family. My ex won't be on the birth certificate , my child will know who their father/ paternal family is but it's his choice to be in his child's life. Be strong op ; if it's what you truly want you can do it

libdan450 · 13/04/2020 22:56

@ahsan @Piper1879 Thankyou and I hope everything goes well for you both. It's horrible isn't it being pregnant is such a stressful time without out the added worries from the fathers. It's definitely not how you plan things to be, this is my second baby I did all on my own with my first and he couldn't be happier and doesn't go without and this baby will be the same.

ahsan · 13/04/2020 23:03

❤️ @libdan450

DressingGown87 · 13/04/2020 23:08

I told the father of mine that I was pregnant when I got a BFP. He said he hopes history repeats itself, as I’ve had recurrent miscarriages. Not spoke since. 12 week scan tomorrow, so was going to let him know if everything was ok, to see what the outcome is. I don’t think I expected to get this far, and made that clear. But this is making me so anxious.
I’m just going to do this on my own, don’t expect any moral, emotional, financial, support, and quite frankly if he offered it I wouldn’t believe it would last. So No father will be put on the birth certificate and it will be my surname.

Do what is right for you and your baby, you don’t need the stress of all this.

Nextsteps84 · 13/04/2020 23:28

Having an ex who uses mental health as an excuse for his terrible behaviour and having to allow my two children to see him and that is now affecting them I would say get as far away as you can before you have to watch your child be manipulated.

libdan450 · 13/04/2020 23:49

@DressingGown87 oh my that's horrible to hear I don't know how people can say things like that even if they don't want the child it's disgusting. Fingers crossed to you with your pregnancy and I don't blame you for not wanting him to be on the birth certificate I definitely wouldn't. @Nextsteps84 his mental health is definitely a concern for me. I don't want to sound insensitive towards people who do have mental health issues I'm sure there's plenty of people that do and do a great job with there children, but it's just not something I want my child to be brought up around. One of the reason I broke up with him was because I couldn't cope with his mental health issues anymore. He'd stay at mine for weeks at a time and have panic attacks pretty much every day/night for hours on end at 1-4 in morning screaming and breaking things I had to deal with this for months getting no sleep and having to get up to look after my child while trying to comfort him it was so mentally and physically exhausting I couldn't take it anymore nor was I equipped to even help him and he certainly didn't do anything to help himself just put it all on me. He'd constantly be paranoid and need reassuring through the day that he wouldn't get food poisoning or something daft it's too much which is another reason I don't want him at the birth. I need someone there who's gonna be able to support me and he won't be able to do that.

CoolNoMore · 14/04/2020 04:15

Good luck with all of this. There is some evidence to suggest that children under 4 shouldn't have two overnight homes. If telling him to eff off doesn't work, you could try this: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/18/childcare-claim-children-emotional-absent-parent

libdan450 · 14/04/2020 09:54

@CoolNoMore lovely Thankyou I'll definitely check that out I don't think any court would order overnight stays anyway at a young especially not a newborn

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 14/04/2020 10:00

You are the only person who chooses your birth partner. If you tell the hospital that you don't want him there, he won't get anywhere near you.

As for the last name, you register that baby in your name. He can't do it without you.

If you deny him rights by keeping him off the birth certificate, though, you can't go after him for CSA without proving he's the father.

So take it into consideration.

As it is for now,you don't have to have anything to do with him. Block the bastard on everything, enjoy the end of your pregnancy and tell him when the baby arrives, if you are so inclined.

Also, breast feed.
He can't take the baby off you if you're the one feeding it.

Kezmum14 · 14/04/2020 10:07

Although 12 years ago my ex wasn’t allowed my ds overnight as he was ebf, it was the courts who decided this. This changed when he was around 10 months.
I would stand your ground, don’t tell him you’re in labour, give the baby your surname but I do think he should be on the birth certificate. I’d also refuse point blank for a newborn to be going out of my sight. Perhaps you could have a family member sit with him for a couple of hours twice a week or something in your own house but with you upstairs - or at yours or his parents/friends house. If he really wants to be part of the child’s life he should accept this for the short term. I’d also only let him see the child if he was paying towards it. My ex is an idiot and took me to court twice. On one occasion it was to reduce contact with the children. 🙄

libdan450 · 14/04/2020 11:01

K@Kezmum14 I definitely will not be allowing him to have the baby over night especially a newborn. I've told him if he wants to spend time with the baby it'll have to be while I'm present in my home until she's older as I just don't feel comfortable him having her on his own never mind overnight. He still lives at home with his mum and seeing as he hasn't even bought anything for the baby or even helped pay towards anything he won't have anything she needs. As for the birth certificate I'm still undecided about that one, I don't really want him having parental rights for her until he proves himself responsible so I think I'm going to leave him off it and then maybe further down the line I can add him onto it if that's an option.

Shmithecat2 · 14/04/2020 11:03

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees
If you deny him rights by keeping him off the birth certificate, though, you can't go after him for CSA without proving he's the father
That's not correct. If the OP submits a claim via CMS and the father denies he is the father, he has to prove he is not with a DNA test for the claim to be cancelled.

libdan450 · 14/04/2020 11:31

@Shmithecat2 oh I didn't know that Thankyou for telling me although if he had to do a dna test to prove he's the father I have no doubt he would take one but if don't want him trying to get parental rights wouldn't he be able to use that to prove he is the father to get them? If he took me to court that is

Shmithecat2 · 14/04/2020 13:54

@libdan450 CMS and parental rights are 2 totally different things. Having to pay CMS does not automatically entitle the paying parent to parental rights.

Shmithecat2 · 14/04/2020 13:57

Please keep all messages/communications from him with regard to his unreasonable demands. It may help if he does take you to court. It's highly unlikely anything other than a few hours visitation would be granted for an infant anyway. It's not beneficial for the baby (or the mother) to be separated for any length of time in the first months.

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