Father of unborn stressing me out

[livvvv]

I'm 7 months pregnant and can feel myself getting more and more stressed and angry about certain situations as my pregnancy progresses. Just looking for abit of a vent and advice on how other people cope or would deal with these situation from an outside point of view. I really cannot stand my ex and finding it really difficult accepting the fact that he is going to be in my life the next how many years. He's really stubborn manipulative and selfish he suffers from really bad mental health issues and uses this as an excuse for eveything (one of the reasons I ended it). Through this whole pregnancy so far he hasn't been supportive emotionally or even financially. He never checks in to see how things are going he hasn't bothered to turn up to any of the midwife/hospital appointment even though I've let him know each time when they would be. He also as of yet hasn't even offered to help pay or buy anything for the baby and everytime I ask him why he makes up an excuse to why he doesn't feel he should have to leaving me to pay for everything, but then thinks that he's the right to be at the birth even if I don't want him to be and that once the baby is born that he should be allowed to have the newborn over night as many times as he pleases which I do not feel comfortable doing in the slightest. He also thinks he's entitled to have the baby have his last name He and just expects everything to be how he wants it and at this point. I just feel so stressed am I being unreasonable for not wanting these things any advice would be appreciated

Bad advice from @Kezmum14. Putting him on the birth certificate would give him parental rights and he couldn't be taken off. That is a terrible idea! You absolutely can still claim CSA if they are not on the birth certificate. He needs to prove himself as a responsible father before giving him legal rights, he can be added on afterwards in the highly unlikely event he starts acting responsibly and his mental health improves.

I also strongly advise you breastfeed OP, as it will give you legal protections to prevent him having baby overnight should he fight for it.

Advising a woman not to put the father on the birth certificate is terrible advice

At the end of the day you made the baby TOGETHER and can't conveniently now air brush him out. It also places a stigma on the child when they are older that they don't have a father on their birth certificate. It's not fair on the child

@lovelydream There's nothing convenient about the situation and nobody's plans to be in it either. I'd love for it to be different. I understand yes we did make the baby together but that's the only actual thing he's done. He's not mentally physically of finically stable to be looking after a child. Not much I can do to change that but I will going forward make sure I'm doing everything that's right for me and my child as he's proving that so far that he's not interested capable or responsible. It'll lie on me to provide protect and raise this child. By all means if he proves and can shows that he's capable and wants to help with that then sure I'll happily but him on the birth certificate but until I can see that then I don't feel like he should just automatically get parental rights and every other thing he wants in regards to this child

How old are you? Do you have real life support and the ability to finance yourself and the baby?

Has he had a diagnosis for his mental health issues? You say panic attacks but paranoid issues seem to be strong in your description. The issues don't seem to be under control.... Should he be on medication...
Have you discussed your concerns and situation with your midwife? They have seen it all before and can help guide you...

Don't speak to him again. Let him go to court if he wants visitation. Bet he disappears...

@happytoday73 I'm 23 and yes have help and support and able to support myself financially. He's suffers from severe panic attack disorder and depression and health anxiety. He's had it about 7 years. I was only with him for 2 years but ended it as I couldn't mentally deal with it anymore nor was I even equipped to help him as much as I tried (that and aswell as cheating on me in my own home) he's been prescribed medication multiple times done CBT therapy assorts but doesn't seem to get any better or seem like he's trying to either. He also won't take any form of medication he's given as he thinks he'll die from it or be allergic and then results in having a panic attack and then circle continues. The whole time we was together he'd have a panic attack pretty much everyday for hours and spent the rest of his time at home playing his PlayStation not working like a grown man child

Also I haven't spoke to my midwifes about it or even speak about him really when I see them as he's never once's turned up to the appointment or been there with me so kind of just pretend as if he's not even involved

@libdan450
Why on earth would you have a child with him if you knew all this about him?

It also places a stigma on the child when they are older that they don't have a father on their birth certificate. It's not fair on the child

Of course it doesn't. Most children have never seen their own birth certificate in their entire life. I never saw mine until I was an adult, and then only because I needed it for my wedding! Tons of kids have absent fathers, birth cert or no birth cert. Which is suboptimal, but better than a shitty present father. And a child doesn't need to refer to a birth cert to know who his or her father is.

I would absolutely leave the father off the birth cert in OP's situation. And she may well not even have the opportunity to put him on anyway - he can't go on unless he attends the registration with her, which he seems unlikely to do.

OP, block him. You have absolutely no need to talk to him during your pregnancy, and it doesn't sound like you want to be talking to him after the birth either. Enjoy your baby, enjoy the peace, focus on you. If he genuinely wants to be a father and has any wherewithal, he can take you to court or formally request mediation.

@lovelydream I didn't set to have a child with him I was on contraceptive pill and still fell pregnant. I wasn't planning on having another child especially with some like him but it happened and unfortunately I had to make a choice. I had booked in for an abortion but it just wasn't something I could go through with in the end

@ChainsawBear yeah your right I mean he hasn't contacted me for nearly 2 months now anyway but I definitely think I just need to focus on me and the pregnancy and not put myself through the unnecessary stress. Like you've said if he's that bothered about being apart of the babies life he'll find a way to do so.

lovelydream Do you have a time machine? You're criticizing this young woman for being pregnant with the troubled bio father yet you seem to cling onto bizarre beliefs that there's a stigma for not naming him on the birth certificate! Do you think peer pressure in school is going to be "Hah hah your birth certificate is blank on the father's name!"

I would block him then send him a text after the baby is born. Tell your MW to put it in your notes that he's not allowed to visit you in hospital.

I would register the baby with your surname and let him know the full name that you decide. If he wants to be added to the birth certificate then he can pay for the legal process for that to happen.

He can get parental responsibility and access but it will take some time and be stressful for him but his attitude is why you have to take this approach.

Basically block him and leave things in his court. You've tried to be reasonable but he clearly needs to be told by someone official that he's not getting a newborn as and when he wants - especially overnight.

Lovelydream clearly comes from a dream world.

There is no stigma in 2020 UK if the father bit is blank. It's not worse than an absent Dad's name being there.

The Dad would have to come to register the name as they are unmarried. Considering his behaviour towards op, that would be terrible advice. He's clearly going to kick off about the surname thing in front of OP and baby.

OP hasn't said that she'd be obstructive if he went through the official process of mediation etc I'd argue that if you don't get along with your ex then make the child contact official so if the other parents "kidnaps" the baby then the police would bring them home. Without that insurance, the mother would be going to court for an emergency hearing etc

Yeah I completely agree well Thankyou everyone for the advice it's been very helpful. Just going to concentrate on the rest of the pregnancy and move forward