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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I don't feel an attachment or love for my unborn baby

36 replies

anonmum13 · 11/04/2020 23:33

It hit me this evening after going through my social media and seeing mums-to-be posting photos and videos saying how much they love their unborn babies and I hate to say that I don't feel that. I know I'm probably an awful person. This baby was unplanned and my husband struggled to accept that it was happening (did discuss abortion but I couldn't do it) but we managed to get to a place where we're content that we're going to be parents.

I just don't feel that overwhelming love for her, I don't wish any harm on my baby and I'm happy she's safe in there and it makes me happy when she moves etc but I just don't feel that attachment, I guess it doesn't even seem that real either? I feel very indifferent towards my pregnancy. I've had mums ask me "Isn't it crazy how much you love her already? Do you feel that maternal instinct kicking in?" and I just agree but on the inside I'm like "Um, no...? I don't feel that".

I guess with all that's happening right now too I'm finding it hard to look forward to her being here because I don't know how everything is going to work out. I haven't really had the chance to enjoy my pregnancy.

Has anyone felt this way at all?

OP posts:

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INeedNewShoes · 11/04/2020 23:43

Please don’t worry about this!

I was the same and I think it was a protection mechanism on case something happened. I also had a touch of prenatal depression and felt apathy about EVERYTHING for most of my pregnancy.

The day DD was born it all changed in a moment and I felt hugely attached and loved her.

ploughingthrough · 11/04/2020 23:44

Do not worry for a moment. It's completely normal she's not here yet! I had an accidental pregnancy (she's 7 and a half now) and was ambivalent during the pregnancy. Happy to report I loved her very much when she arrived as did DH who was immediately obsessed with her - but neither of us were bonded with a bump that made me feel sick and a bit nervous! Loved her so much that I had another one- felt equally non committal to the bump and once again loved him to pieces once he was out.
Ignore other people - they think they have to say it. Lots of people feel like you do and it's very unlikely to effect how you feel about DD once she makes an appearance.

toomuchfaster · 11/04/2020 23:45

You are totally normal, not everyone 'bonds' with their unborn baby. You will be the mother your child needs regardless of this. I also didn't feel a rush of love when mine was born either, realised I loved her when she was about 8 weeks old and I had finally cracked breastfeeding and napping was improving. And she was planned.

TKAAHUARTG · 11/04/2020 23:45

I think it’s normal. It isn’t actually a person yet.

Watertorture · 11/04/2020 23:46

I felt like this with dc1, I couldn't imagine him as an actual baby until he was born, and then it hit me. With dc2 I did, but I think this was because I knew what the pg would turn into iyswim!

CyberNan · 11/04/2020 23:47

please do worry about it...

talk to your midwife. it could be that when baby is born that all that maternal emotional stuff will come and everything will be great... however if you don't feel any connection to your baby, then your baby is going to need help... your midwife / health visitor should be prepared for this and keep an extra eye on your situation.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 11/04/2020 23:48

You’re fine. I was exactly the same both times. Love my children more than I could ever write or express and did as soon as they were born but didn’t before. I think it’s a lot more common than you think.

gamerchick · 11/04/2020 23:49

Ah don't worry OP. At my first scan I was just annoyed there was something there. I had to force myself to get baby gear in later on. I couldn't even walk down baby isle on supermarkets until I was 36 weeks.

It all changed when he was born and even if it doesnt, don't worry about it OP. There is a wide range of normal.

I hated being pregnant. It properly sucks.

Enough4me · 11/04/2020 23:50

You don't know your baby and even after birth a baby is a bit like a mini alien. You don't know what each other look like, each other's language, it's all a very long learning process.

At least you are not putting your pregnancy on a pedestal only to fall when it gets tiring. You have space to be realistic and enjoy the nice bits when they happen.

Flowersforpowers · 11/04/2020 23:52

Totally normal - it's so hard to imagine your baby as a real human, and that's without the background stress and anxiety of everything going on in the world now. Your love for baby might come on all of a sudden when she's born, it might take a little while. It is a good idea to mention it to your midwife (mine asked me at later appointments whether I was bonding). Just in case you do struggle with your mental health after she's born, having said now that you're a bit worried will hopefully make it easier to seek help if you need it.

HalloumiSalad · 11/04/2020 23:54

I had a conversation with my DH the evening before (planned) DS was born which went something along the lines of "I wonder if I will love it when it arrives, do you think I will. I have no feelings yet and don't know if any will come".
Once DS was born the feelings kicked in... but that said, even if they don't kick in straight away, I really genuinely think that there are so many different stories of how we come to be mothers who love our children and what that means to us, and how it weaves into our own lives, that there is no set script and that's OK.
Your own child will take it's place in your life and if you are willing to allow it your love will come in it's own way.

ofwarren · 11/04/2020 23:55

Totally normal. I've had 3 and only loved them once they were born.
I hate being pregnant and can't really visualise it actually being a baby in there.

NotTheVeryNice · 11/04/2020 23:59

I felt nothing for my bump. Actually, only fell in love with my DD after few days after she was born. Second bump was unloved, too, but fell in love with baby 2 straight away. Was speaking to a friend and she told me she was singing lullabies to her bump- and I was totally gobsmacked and could not understand why would you do that. Similarly, another friend told me to take some photographs while pregnant for memories and, again, I was like why would you want that?
To this day I don't get the whole pregnancy on a pedestal thing.

UrsulaSings · 12/04/2020 00:05

The perinatal psychiatrist was telling me the other day they assess whether a mum has 'bonded' with their bump by asking if they've thought of names and thought about what stuff theyll need for them and perhaps started buying stuff. They dont even ask this until you're well into third trimester.

If you've done that then you've got some bonding going on.

GeeHO98 · 12/04/2020 00:09

I felt like that too even after she was born. I'm a young mum I had my daughter in my teens & felt nothing during my pregnancy it was a really weird time for me I spent it hiding away mostly, I don't think it really registered till I saw her with my own eyes but it wasn't till everyone had left and I was on my own on the ward with her when I finally held her. I really struggled the first night so much that the midwifes on the ward took her in another room so I could try rest but once we were home and I started getting to know her routine and what she liked that I felt bonded. I definitely felt better with time I just think it takes getting to know your baby and having experiences together to get that attachment for some people, everyone's different and forges their own relationships in there own time & way

Iggii · 12/04/2020 00:10

I noticed I loved the pregnancies I had following a loss from the very start - it was as if I knew they wouldn't be around to love longer. So it can vary.

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 12/04/2020 00:26

Oh gosh you could be me a few years ago. Unplanned baby, busy life, obviously no pandemic mind you.
I liked feeling the baby move and knowing he was safe. But it didn’t feel real. I certainly didn’t love the bump. I was in pain daily.
I also didn’t get that rush of love as soon as he was born that they talk about on the telly, took a good few weeks before I loved him. Every bit of my essence wanted him to be safe etc, but the love took a while to grow.
I reckon you’re as normal as the rest of us. We’re all different, you will love your baby once they’re here, I think becoming a parent is such a massive concept that it’s hard to wrap your head around it, especially for a first time parent.
Cut yourself some slack love.

saraclara · 12/04/2020 00:44

Love the baby before it's born? No, not at all.

I think it's social media sentimentality to be honest. I don't recall anyone talking like this when I was pregnant (pre SM). Of course we worried it about it arriving safely and cared about nurturing our babies in the womb. But loving someone you haven't met yet? It wasn't a 'thing' at all back then.

So please please don't worry. It's not a sign of anything other than you're not the sentimental social media type.

madcatladyforever · 12/04/2020 00:46

Neither did I, nothing. No reason I should. i had never met him, didn;t know what he looked like.
As soon as he was born I wouldn't let him out of my sight. The motherly hormones kicked in.

Thekindyoufindinasecondhand · 12/04/2020 00:59

Totally normal. I feel exactly the same then randomly was discussing with a friend about unborn baby and did feel a small maternal pull, which really shocked me, so maybe it will come when baby is born or maybe it will just come from nowhere. Either way don't beat yourself up, has no reflection on the sort of Mum you will be

CoolNoMore · 12/04/2020 04:52

Oh, wow, PawPatrolMakesMeDrink, that could have been me! Yeah, definitely don't worry, unless anything else is going on. I'm on pregnancy #2 here and have no feelings for this 25 week bump, although I'm definitely looking forward to having a second terror/ bundle of joy. I suppose I'm looking forward to loving him. I'll even go so far as to say that I didn't love DS1 for quite a while after the birth, and it absolutely wasn't PND or anything. I was interested in him, I tried to do everything I could for him, I worried about him, but I didn't love him in the way I do now. That was absolutely fine for us.

qazxc · 12/04/2020 04:56

There is no normal way of bonding with your child, we all fall in love with them differently.
Some people feel the love right through pregnancy, some have the thunderbolt at birth and for some it takes longer than that. Don't beat yourself up.

CoolNoMore · 12/04/2020 04:56

I'll add that both ours are VERY planned and long awaited in the case of DS1. Still no bump love!

Villanelle92 · 12/04/2020 06:45

I felt like this OP. Even after he was born it was about a week before I felt like he was actually mine (EMCS under general anaesthetic probably didn’t help with that though!).

He’s 8 months now and is my favourite person in the whole world.

Try not to put any pressure on yourself to feel anything, it will come but if you’re anxious about it the pressure won’t help.

OccasionalNachos · 12/04/2020 06:53

Very normal, I think. I felt protective of the bump (which only manifested when there were any concerns - the rest of the time it was just... there) I didn’t have the rush of love at birth, either. It was exhilarating & I was interested in the baby, but didn’t recognise it as love. My baby is nine weeks old now & I’m still not sure whether I recognise this feeling as love, it’s so different to anything else.

Take care and make sure you talk to family, friends, midwife etc as much as you can in these final months, if it will help to keep anxiety at bay.

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