Can't stop worrying that my baby is going to be ugly!

[LOrchid]

I want to start by saying I feel terribly guilty for this. I know that I should be happy with how my baby looks regardless. Maybe it's the hormones or maybe it's just my generalised anxiety, but I'm obsessing over these unhealthy thoughts.

I've been looking through photos of me and my DH when we were kids and neither of us were the cutest - both super pale, shy, sensitive, awkward, asymmetrical faces etc. I remember feeling really insecure as a kid and I got teased a lot (my partner said he was bullied for his red hair too). So I guess my fears stem from that. I'd just hate for my child to be picked on and singled-out like we were. I want my child to be adored.

I find myself hoping that my new baby won't get my large nose or my partner's jawline. I've kept my fears from my partner because I don't want him to know how ugly my thoughts are getting, and I don't want him to think I find him unattractive.

Am I going to be a bad mother for feeling this way? I really want to deal with these thoughts now so I don't project them on to my child. I've tried looking into therapy but I can't afford it and the NHS has a waiting list (but I can't go anywhere in lockdown anyway).

Your baby is going to be beautiful, relax

Seriously?

Your baby will be beautiful to you. Its your responsibility as a parent to instill confidence in your child and the idea that beauty is just superficial, unimportant and secondary to the kind of person you are inside and how you treat people.

Try to remember that

I advise you to call your midwife and ask about a referral to the perinatal mental health team. In my area you can also self-refer for CBT. It is more than possible to do CBT or other counselling over the phone.

Try some well being apps too, Calm and others - might help quieten your thoughts.

If you want your child to be adored, adore it.

You can’t do anything about how it looks but you can do everything about how it feels about it.

You won’t find your baby ugly, I promise! You’ll think they are the most beautiful baby on earth .

Objectively I can now see (kids are teens) that DS was a stunningly beautiful baby, while DD was a funny looking little thing. I was completely in love with both of them as babies, though. They’re your own lovely little people and you won’t care if they have big ears or funny noses etc...

It will come out and you will think it's the cutest baby ever. Trust me

I guarantee that you will think they are beautiful. My dd was swollen and covered in broken blood vessels after birth. She also had reflux so was very frowny. With hindsight she wasn't that cute but my god I was in love and thought she was gorgeous. Children are rarely ugly- some are more conventionally beautiful than others sure but I can't think of a single ugly small child I've encountered. If they turn out ugly adults there's plenty you do to do improve physical appearance and it is not the most important thing anyway.

Pretty much all babies are ugly - I include mine in that. But that passes once the wrinkles iron out and they stop looking like angry baked beans and then they are cute.
Apart from my first nephew who was....interesting. He is now 6 foot 3 and as handsome as hell so even he got there in the end! (Adding the obligatory light hearted for those lacking a sense of humour)

Everyone is missing this point. This is about anxiety and repetitive negative thought. It's not really about whether babies are cute or ugly.

missing the point

All babies are beautiful. Always.

I agree with maybe speaking to someone about how you’re feeling. No one will think bad of you.

For what it’s worth I hoped for the same for my DD’s because life is just easier if you’re pretty. It’s sad but a fact of life, and I didn’t want my DD’s life to be harder than it already would be.

I know you're not talking about the baby stage. One of my sons got my terrible teeth. Orthodontics have come a long way. He will get a better result than I did. (Post lockdown). Perfection is overrated. We are drawn to warm funny interesting people, not dollies or action men.

Your experience will make you the perfect example of how you can be loved and love and have a family and do anything you want despite an awkward childhood or teenhood. Schools are a load better dealing with bullying than they were.

I can sort of almost kind of slightly see that the odd baby isn't entirely Gap advert gorgeous.

But your own baby? I joke that it is an incredible coincidence that I managed to get the world's most beautiful child. DD rolls her eyes and says everything mummy thinks that'. And I always answer it really hope they do but in my case it's true'.

Don't worry, yours will be the world's most gorgeous baby except for mine.

Grammar fail!

Most children are cute. It’s only after puberty that some become ugly. You’ll still love your DC even if it’s ugly.

Perinatal team won’t even touch this sort of referral
You may be able to self refer for counselling though

@NameChange30 I find your referral about mental health disgraceful. Do you suggest that to people face to face or is it just behind your phone/computer?

All babies are ugly.

They look cuteish at toddler age then start leaving it and look ugly again.

What on earth are you on about?

Put your energy into making sure your baby & child feels like the most beautiful thing in the room (and they will!!!)

I remember feeling like this has a child and as a result its made me vow that I will never make/let me child have these thoughts about them-self!!!

xx

(That was to curious)

Everyone thinks their child is beautiful. It's an inbuilt thing.

I thought my (premature) DD was the most beautiful thing in the world. Looking back at her wee premie pictures, she looks a bit like a shaved rat

If they’re ugly as sin, what’s the worst that can happen? Bring them up with loads of love, feed their self esteem, teach them that our looks are the least important thing about us.

Look at all the ugly but happy, successful people around. Look at all the beautiful unhappy ones. I’m no oil painting and I’m disabled. I doubt many people would consider me attractive. I have a lovely husband and family and friends and a very nice life. Presumably your husband is happy and loved despite his red hair and dodgy jawline.

Your baby will be beautiful, that’s what happens.
Even if someone else doesn’t agree you will be besotted with them

I’m also pregnant and I’ve worried about many things, but not that generally.
I worry about if it’s healthy or if il be a good mum or if she’ll sleep one day. If il manage to breastfeed, If il get PND, if il ever be able to fit in my jeans again.