Can't stop worrying that my baby is going to be ugly!

[LOrchid]

I want to start by saying I feel terribly guilty for this. I know that I should be happy with how my baby looks regardless. Maybe it's the hormones or maybe it's just my generalised anxiety, but I'm obsessing over these unhealthy thoughts.

I've been looking through photos of me and my DH when we were kids and neither of us were the cutest - both super pale, shy, sensitive, awkward, asymmetrical faces etc. I remember feeling really insecure as a kid and I got teased a lot (my partner said he was bullied for his red hair too). So I guess my fears stem from that. I'd just hate for my child to be picked on and singled-out like we were. I want my child to be adored.

I find myself hoping that my new baby won't get my large nose or my partner's jawline. I've kept my fears from my partner because I don't want him to know how ugly my thoughts are getting, and I don't want him to think I find him unattractive.

Am I going to be a bad mother for feeling this way? I really want to deal with these thoughts now so I don't project them on to my child. I've tried looking into therapy but I can't afford it and the NHS has a waiting list (but I can't go anywhere in lockdown anyway).

You genuinely might think your newborn is quite peculiar-looking - they are often purple when they pop out and look like wizened old men and make weird grunting noises. You'll probably get a wave of hormones at some point that will make you think he or she is beautiful anyway but if you don't then don't worry - at around 3 months they lose their newborn-ness and get a bit chubbier and start looking super cute!

I think this is normal to some extent. I assume its not that you will think they are ugly but worry that they will be picked on. My DS age 1 has red hair. It is adorable but I worry a bit about him being teased when he is older. We are all more sensitive to the challenges we faced as we don't want our children to suffer like we did. I would try to focus on what you can do to instill self confidence and resilience in your child regardless of what they look like. You can support and nurture them as they grow.

curious I think you missed the last paragraph of the OP. She wants to have therapy.

You are basically pre-programmed to find your baby beautiful and you will be completely obliviously biased about it.

My husband and I are fairly average looking folk, so I couldn't believe it when my son turned out to be absolutely stunning. Like model gorgeous. He was exactly how a baby should look. Except when I looked back at some baby photos I had to admit there were times when he looked like a fat, toothless little potato when I look at him now I still think he's the most beautiful boy I've ever seen 🤦‍♀️

Here you are, gloriously pregnant with a loving partner and clearly winning at a lot of life. And you did ALL this fantastic stuff despite not being a super model!

The thing is, I really feel sorry for the beautiful kids. And the beautiful adults for that matter. What a burden, having everyone fawning over you and giving you attention that you might not merit. That is no good for a kid’s mental health as they grow up

As far as I can tell, beautiful people actually struggle a lot in life because of their looks. Especially when they lose them as they age. I would far rather have an average looking kid who develops qualities like kindness and resilience, and has friends & partners who learn to love them for them.

As everyone says, we’re all programmed to think our kids are beautiful anyway.. but I really hope mine isn’t too much...!

To be fair they all come out looking like squished potato aliens.

I was a cute baby but not so much as I aged. Everyone usually has an 'ugly phase' (not sure I ever grew out of mine lol). Plus bullying usually happens either way at some point. Thise kids always find something to work with.

I had a horrible childhood with it and I'm about...a 4/10 looks wise xD but I'm friendly, creative and pretty damn balzy. I like me.

As long as you love your child, and teach them to respect and care for themselves regardless of what others say or do, that's all that matters.

You just want what’s best for your child!

I’ve never seen an ugly baby EVER !

I have seen an ugly newborn though ! MINE! Haha ! But I didn’t know it at the time because I literally thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen . It was only after looking back at pics that I could see his cone head and squashed nose 😝! He was funny looking his first few days ! I had no idea though because love is stronger and all I could see was beauty !

It will likely come out looking like an angry little potato and you will think he/she is the most beautiful being on the planet. Don't fret.
When I look back at my DD baby photos I'm a bit like...christ you looked like a furious little old man... but at the time I just saw a beautiful human that I had grown!

@Curious78 why is it such an insult to suggest some professional help? Like it's a shameful insulting thing to be referred to the perinatal mental health team for some support? You responded like the other PP had really insulted OP?

Do I know you?

I was friends with someone who used to say if she had an ugly baby she would throw it over a cliff. She had issues. She was late teens at the time.
She had children in her 30s and appears to be a good parent. The kids are normal looking kids. I don't imagine that she would have considered them ugly.

OP, I am sure you will bond with your child and be a good parent. But you could consider trying to work through whatever issues have led to you feeling this way before you become a parent.

Sorry, meant to say if you can't afford therapy then you could see about trying to find some books. Do you have any insight into why you may feel this way?

It's worth bearing in mind that stereotypically good looking children are just as vulnerable to bullying as well. In the end it comes down to character. The type of children that bully generally seek out shy or less confident children in my experience. I was stereotypically attractive as a child and even did modelling, but I was really shy and occasionally bullied as a result. I didn't have the best support from my parents. You have an opportunity to raise a confident human, no matter how they look.

@BabyDancer Soooooooo true !!!!!

Baby’s are mostly funny looking things. But there are adorable non the less.
I think you have identified that the chance of your baby not being next catalogue material is not the issue here. You are clearly having obsessive unwelcome thought about this. Are there any therapists doing zoom sessions?

*they’re

How about putting yourself in other peoples shoes.
My baby has a terminal disease.
I'm sure mothers would rather have an "ugly" baby rather than their baby having a life limiting condition.

Maybe think about that for a second...

Helpful

There are so many mean messages on here . I feel so bad for the original poster 😔