My partner wants the baby and I don't

[Hollyiris]

This may be a little long winded...

I'm 22, I have a beautiful little girl who's 19 months from a previous relationship. I was with her dad for 4.5 years, it ended badly and there's a lot of bad blood (mainly on his side). Anyway, we split in early December (2019), it was over long before this point may I add, very toxic in the end.

So I met my current partner just after Christmas, wasn't intentional. I wanted to have time to myself but it just happened and I didn't want to turn down the potential possibility of finding someone who truly made me happy. It all moved a bit fast, faster than I would have liked, if I'm honest. ^
I had just got out of a long term relationship, had to figure out how to be alone with a toddler and deal with work/bills ect by myself. ^
I soon started to see red flags or things that I didn't like. Quite major things (I won't go into them) but things I wouldn't accept around my daughter nor want her to be brought up around.
He had promised to put his old life behind him and start a fresh with my and my daughter. I trusted him - have no reason not to. He was asked to leave his parents home (due to the reasons above) and had no where to go. I wasn't keen on the idea of him moving in so quick but felt I was ablidged to help.
He moved in, helped around the house, was great with my daughter. Then it started to go downhill, stopped helping ect guess the honeymoon stage wore off I guess.
So in February we had unprotected sex, I took the morning after pill, 5 weeks later find I'm pregnant - I assume I was too late for the morning after pill.
My first reaction was shock, I didn't know what to do. Told my partner and he straight away said abortion. I was ok with that, I'm young, I don't want two children with two different dads at this age, plus the grief I would get from my daughters dad. And in all honestly I had just got some of my free time back with my daughter being at her dads every other weekend. It was very irresponsible and I understand this but I'm due to start university in October, the timing just isn't right. I'm unsure if the relationship will even last with my and my current partner. It's only been four months and it's already moved far too quickly.
We booked an appointment for an abortion, everything was fine. Then one day he came home from work and said he couldn't have an abortion (he had been to the pub after work) I assumed it was due to the drink and just brushed it off. It caused an argument and ended in him storming out (back to the pub May I add.)
He returned, tail between his legs and apologised. But then dropped the bomb shell that he told his PARENTS and brother as well as some friends at the pub. He didn't say we were ending the pregnancy, he told them we were continuing with it!!
I was fuming. I explained we would have a convosation when he hasn't been drinking. Following day I brought up the situation and again, he agreed we couldn't continue with the pregnancy. End of... untill the next day.
It was his friends birthday and we met them at the pub to celebrate. His mum poped in and I said I would take her home (obviously hadn't been drinking so I could drive) she did the whole congratulations, how far ect. I was unsure of what to say as my partner had not explained we were not continuing. I told them we were unsure of what we were planning on doing. She said she was disappointed and upset, about how much she was looking forward to it.
We returned to the pub and I told my partner about the conversation with his mum, he then again turned around and said he wanted to keep it. Again, had been drinking.
I told him we would talk about it in the morning and just kept dodging the question of are we keeping this pregnancy or not. After having a drink was not the time to discuss such a hard topic.
He ended up telling multiple other people that night, friends/family ect. I was mortified, I felt like I had no choice but to continue with this pregnancy. All the people who now know. They were so happy for him and now are going to be looking at me, blaming me for not wanting to continue. His parents will hate me, our relationship will no doubt end.
This was two weeks ago. I'm going to get bashed for this I know. But I said we could continue with the pregnancy. I felt so much pressure from him and his friends and family and I hated the idea of an abortion. I thought going on in time j would grow to accept this pregnancy and become excited. But I don't, I don't feel the same as I did with my daughter. I know I don't want this pregnancy but now I completely stuck. This isn't fair on him and I understand this but he put so much pressure on me and felt like I had no choice. I've realised in the last few weeks my feelings aren't going to change - no matter how much I hoped they would. I haven't told a sole about my news as I don't want people to know. Where as before with my daughter I wanted to sing it from the rooftops.
I am terrified over the though of an abortion, I hate the idea of it. I've always been so so so against them until I've been put in the is position. I do not feel it's fair on my daughter nor this child to come into the world on such uncertain terms and I cannot be a single mother to two, from two different dads at 23.
I'm going to get bashed and I know this but I just want to know if anyone's been in a similar situation or any advice on how to deal with this?
My partner is very unstable (not in an abusive way and would never lay a hand on me) but this could push him over the edge and I'm worried.
It's all such a mess

Theres so many red flags here! You need to get rid of him and make the decision about the pregnancy without all this pressure.
Its only been 4 months! And look how hes behaving already. He has even involved his family! Horrible and manipulative. Dont subject your daughter to what seems like a toxic relationship.
If I was in your position I would seriously get rid of him , you seem sure about having a termination so maybe get the ball rolling and make an appointment, they will give you some counselling beforehand. I think the longer you leave it the harder it will be for you. Even if you decide to keep the baby. Ditch him.

You are the one who goes through it. Not him. Your and only your choice. No judgement at all. You do what's right for you.

You don't owe him anything. Don't let his mental state cloud your judgement. It sounds like you've already taken that into account enough and he's shown very little respect for yours.

You also do not owe his mother or his friends anything. Take all of them out of the equation when you make your decision.

No one but you can decide to have an abortion but weigh up what's best for you no one else.

Don't even explain to his mother or friends any of your decisions- that's his responsibility and to be honest fuck them. But I would recommend you confide in someone you trust in real life to help you through everything.

If you are worried about your safety tell him you miscarried. It's not a great thing to do but you haven't been with him very long and already have serious concern. Protect yourself anyway you can

This guy sounds like bad news - he is exerting control over you and manipulating you by telling so many people you are pregnant

End this relationship. You'll be much better off on your own.

You need to work out what’s best for you and your daughter. Noone else.

this man sounds awful, and 4 months in you can’t know him properly. Plus the red flags you mention.

You don’t have to tell them about an abortion if you do have one, miscarriage is sadly common and you’re early days.

You have been bulldozed emotionally into a corner so that he can trap you in a relationship that you are desperate to get out of. His parents are using this baby to do the same thing. They don’t want him back with them either. There have to be very significant reasons for this!!! I definitely think you need to think about you and your DD’s future first and remove this man from your house and your body. He is dangerous. Tell people you have had a miscarriage if you must, but don’t feel obliged to continue with this pregnancy. You will be forever attached to this man and he will be difficult at best. You may need to change the locks to get him out of your house. I fully expect him to pull every emotional tactic to guilt trip you, but honestly, he should not be your problem right now. He drinks too much, he is manipulative and cruel. You need him gone.

Kick him out of your house and have the termination. You don't owe him anything.
You have only known him 4 months and he's already making you feel awful and manipulating you at every turn - this will only get worse.
There are no positives here. Get rid of him!

God this isn’t a relationship it’s a fling, you hardly know each other, he moved in far too soon. Slow it down. It’s your choice if you want another child. But you have to think of not just you but your existing child as to whether you want this man in your life now

Putting the pregnancy aside, your partner IS abusive and unstable and very well could physically hurt you in the future.

He storms off, he is already going against your wishes by telling people about a baby you don't (didn't) want therefore taking away your choice, ha makes choices for you (straigt away said abortion before you even had a change to discuss etc).

It would be interesting to hear what reg flags you caught up on, because the pregnancy (was the unprotected sex his idea?), moving in so quick (do you have proof he had to leave his last place of residence, or just his words?) are huge red flags for an abusive man - yes, not always but more often than not.

Could you be tied to a man like this? If you have his child, you will never be free of him.

Also you said you didn't want his behaviors around your daughter. Think about that before you commit to at least 18yrs with him in your life everyday!

Dump the boyfriend and have the abortion. Don’t tie yourself to this man, he sounds like a complete waste of space.

It doesn’t need to be a mess really and truly.
Have the abortion. It’s clearly what you want and what you want matters. Your boyfriend can express his opinion but that’s it. It’s still your decision
The other people don’t matter at all
There’s a very good chance that in 2 years time none of them will be in your life. They are strangers to you right now anyway.

If you want to avoid grief tell them you had a miscarriage.

Find someone who will support you, women’s aid if necessary.

I don’t understand why you have been seeking his permission or agreement to begin with. Ultimately, it is your choice and your choice alone. You want a termination for very good reasons. His agreement with you is not necessary. Nor is the agreement of his family. Stop worrying about what they think and trying to convince them to agree.

And yes, I agree with PP that him telling his family and a friend has resulted in emotional blackmail and pressure on you into keeping the baby. If unintentional, It was very immature/thoughtless or if intentional, it was very manipulating. Either way, intentional or not, it’s enough to end the relationship because you have learned that you cannot trust him with any of your private lives. You can be sure that his mother and family will always be gossiping about you with him behind your back and then hanging up on you to control you.

I’d tell him to move out ASAP. Even though it’s a lockdown, he can still move to a new home by himself. He just can’t move in with another household.

Have an abortion. Tell them it's a miscarriage if you feel safer. End the relationship.

And do some work on what you want before you get into another one.

You’re wrong, I’m absolutely not going to give you a hard time for agreeing to continue the pregnancy. You were put under an immense amount of pressure in a very manipulative way.
You don’t know this man very well and already some of what you have seen has concerned you. If he has trouble with drugs or alcohol (just a guess) these things are hard to overcome quickly. You clearly don’t want another baby right now. Ending a four month relationship is such a small loss compared to continuing an unwanted pregnancy out of obligation.
You sound so bright and enthusiastic about your existing child and going to university. Go and study, improve your job prospects and better yourself. Your world will open up and your DD will have a better life because of you.

*ganging not hanging. Sorry

Look after yourself and your daughter. You already have red flags, that's not a good environment for having a baby. Dump the guy, have the abortion. After he's gone you don't need to care what his parents and friends think.

Don't worry about other people, you can call it a miscarriage. No one but you will know what you have done.

Well this is a mess isnt it, i would have an abortion and call it a miscarriage and then dump him sorry. You moved someone in within 4 months when you have a small child?

You do realise he could be anyone right? He could be a child abuser or molesterer and you just welcomed him into your home without even knowing him.
Sorry if i sound harsh but its just that my children are my priority so when i see this happen it annoys me because you didnt prioritize her ... He shouldnt have even needed a home. Do your daughter a favour, end the relationship and find someone who has a job, has a home of his own and treats you nicely.

Thank you for all the replies.
I don't know why I asked as I know what I want, I guess I just wanted some advice.
I want to end the pregnancy but his current state and everyone else I need to make him believe it's a miscarriage. With the current situation (uk on lock down) I'm out of work and as is he, how am I supposed to get out the house without him realising? It's not something I can wait for as I'm already 7 weeks.

What a mess and a situation which could been avoided. Please put your daughter first and stop moving men in who you hardly know. It's been 3 months!

Are social services involved with your family OP?

You need to get HIM out your house immediately. You say there were already red flags and you didn't want him to move in but for some reason you ignored the red flags and felt obliged to give him a home - no matter that it's your daughter's home and your obligation is to her!
Now it turns out he's a controlling dangerous man with a drink problem. What else do you need to hear before you get him out of your lives?

Tell him to leave today. And if he won't, call the police.

In your position I wouldnt continue with the pregnancy. You and the child will be tied to him for the rest of your life. You dont know that much about him and what you do know doesnt sound very appealing to me.
He sounds a waster and manipulator, you could do much better.
Do you want to take the risk that he'll step up to the plate once the baby is here? If he doesn't then you will have a newborn and a toddler by yourself. University will be put on hold and may never happen. This is your opportunity to have a better life with your daughter? Dont waste any more of your life with this man. You'll regret it

Hollyiris, I understand that the NHS can send the tablets to your address to end the pregnancy at home.

The NHS website says you can organise an abortion by contacting a clinic directly or getting a referral from Your GP
Which is easier for you?? Can you call in private? I don’t think your boyfriend would be allowed to go to a GP appointment with you at the moment due to coronavirus? Maybe that would be better.
Explain the whole situation to them and I’m sure they can find a way for you to have the termination without him being aware