MIL basically decided on a baby name for us - am I being unreasonable

[Lunamoon170]

Hi guys,

So basically my partner and I haven’t decided on a name yet, we had a few ideas that we liked but nothing set in stone.

Anyway, my partners mum asked about any names a while back, we told her a few we liked and she particularly liked one name and was saying ‘yes that’s definitely it I love that it goes with our surname perfectly!’

I thought it was just a passing comment, but now she calls the baby by this name constantly. She tells people that it is his name when she talks about him, has bought clothes and decorations for his room with this name on, she refers to him as this name.

Recently my MIL and my own mum had stopped by at my house for a cuppa, she started referring to the baby by this name, to which my own mum was confused and said ‘oh have you decided on that for definite now?’ And looked hurt that I hadn’t told her. I felt super awkward and just said no no we haven’t decided fully yet it was still just an idea, to which his mum said ‘he’s definitely going to be called that, it’s perfect!’

I don’t really know what to do. I feel really awful for complaining as I know she is just excited, but I feel awkward as she’s bought us things with this name on and spent money and is totally set that we’re going to call him this name.

In all honesty I’ve totally gone off this name now as well, I don’t think this has helped 🤦🏼‍♀️ Am I being unreasonable by being annoyed? My partner is so laid back in general, he just brushes it off, and I don’t want to ask him to say something to her in case it hurts her feelings but I feel like she’s named him for me.

It’s my first baby as well so I feel like it’s totally taking the excitement away as now his gran and grandpa also think we’re calling the baby this name because of his mum.

We have since thought of another name we both prefer but I’m kind of dreading telling her.

What should I do?

With respect OP - strap on a pair and tell her no

This is the first in a long line on things to do with your child which will be an issue if you don’t speak up now. Don’t let someone else steamroll over what you want - it will be much easier to nip this in the bud now than when MIL is taking over in other ways and you feel like you let this go so can’t say anything.

You can’t see her at the moment so maybe give her a call and then she has some time to get over it before you have to see her in person.

Dont beat yourself up about it. You didn't know she'd be like this.
It's natural to be excited and share conversations about possibly names.
Mil is being very unreasonable.

Share this thread with your mother and get her to back you up.

I struggled with dominant female relatives when I was a young woman, even after three kids. It's hard.
Some women on here don't seem to realise that. It's like a kind of bullying and it's the last thing you need in these difficult times while pregnant. Congrats on baby btw.

Also try harder to get your DH on board. I would find a moment one evening soon, cry emotionally and genuinely show him how much this means to you. Life is hard enough at the mo amd youre growing him his first child. Not his bloody mothers. Tell him he needs choose whether to take your side or his mother's. This can get worse and often ends in divorce when husbands don't take wife's side.

Mil has had her children and got to choose their names. This is your time. Yours and DH choice alone.

It needs to be nipped in bud and mother and dh need to be on your side. Above pp blaming you for naturally discussing names are very wrong.

You also need to make sure she never guilt trips you or your future child over this. Eg
"Cara, you know you were meant to be called Sophie. That would have been such a pretty name."
"Where's Sophie, sorry, my mistake, Caarraaa"

You're not alone and youre completely in the right. Call upon your family support. You don't need to fight this alone.

I agree, you need to speak up now, and to set boundaries. Make sure dp is backing you up. You don’t even have to say that you don’t like the name, but it’s one of several you are considering and baby’s actual name won’t be announced until he is born. If she mentions the personalised items, perhaps acknowledge it was a kind thought, but as you hadn’t actually settled on the name, it was a bit premature to purchase anything.

I suppose you could say (loudly) that annoyingly your friend from gym/neighbour/colleague at work has just used MIL’s favourite name for their boy, so it’s def off your list for good.

Of course the other posters are right that you would do well to use this experience to set proper boundaries with MIL, and ‘start as you mean to continue’. But if a white lie gets you out of a tight spot at a stressful time, it’s another valid strategy.

When she moans that she’s spent $$ on personalised stuff, it gives you the added bonus of being able to look very excited and say ‘great! I bet Cheryl would buy that stuff off you, what a great idea!’. It’ll put her off, but it’ll be hard for her to blame you. Then of course ‘Cheryl’ will have to turn down the option, due to her having loads of baby stuff already.

Hi OP,

My MIL is a perpetual pain.in.my.ass! I don’t have the character space to chronicle It all here but in terms of baby names, I’m 24 weeks pregnant. She for some reason I can’t fathom
‘Decided our baby boy was going to be called Albey’. We told her absolutely not. She then said (just to annoy us that “no matter what we called him, she would always call him Albey”.

Additionally every phone conversation she try’s to get my husband to tell her the name! Even though we have said from to get go it was a secret! She’s even got a book of Scottish baby names (I’m Scottish) and has read them out trying to guess/make my husband tell her.

You have 3 options IMO:

1. Smile and nod and then name the kid whatever you want when they arrive. What’s the worst she can do? And you have warned her.

1. Politely say to her yourself WE (your husband is involved in this too) have gone off the name

1. Get your husband to deal with the situation.

He needs to back you, not her - a constant battle on my marriage FYI

Ultimately your baby. Your name choice.

Also don’t feel bad/let people tell you you were stupid for discussing baby names! everyone’s different xx

"How bad is the name..
Maybe sit her down and tell her your not keen.."

It's one of a few names that Op & her OH like and were/are considering!

I'd give the baby your surname until the wedding, then change it if you want. Or at least double-barrel. I've known a few women split from their partner before the wedding and then have to have a different name from their child forever.

Then tell your MIL that's what you're doing. She will no longer care about the first name, I promise you.

Give the baby YOUR surname

Also try harder to get your DH on board. I would find a moment one evening soon, cry emotionally and genuinely show him how much this means to you.

Sorry what? WTF kind of manipulative childish advice is this? OP, please don’t do this.

I'd be tempted to tell her you had an extra scan because of whatever and they now say that it's a girl! Gee, these scans can be indecisive/wrong can't they?
It might not stop the name hunting but at least it's more likely not the kinds of names that you will be considering anyway.

Giving it as a middle name is a no-no in this situation as it will legitimise her using it for him.
It wasn’t uncommon years ago for men particularly, to go by their middle name, I think a family member was often honoured in the first name but it was always the intention to call them by the middle name.
I know at least 4 men aged 50+ who have always gone by their middle name. An unexpected plus was when pushy cold callers would insist to our secretaries that “Tony” was expecting the call, Anthony David Lastname had been David all his life.
You need to find your spine OP as once you have a child, you have to be prepared to speak up on their behalf.

I think your MIL is going to get (unreasonably) upset when she actually realises you aren’t going to use that name. You have to remain strong and not back down to her ridiculousness.

Don’t forget that it was her decision to buy all the named stuff. She chose to go out and buy it, it has nothing to do with you and I wouldn’t hold back pointing that out to her. She was the one who got carried away despite you telling her. So basically it’s not your problem.

But unless you are stubborn about this she’ll walk all over you even more. And as everyone else has said there is no reason baby can’t have your surname.

@MrsRose2018 You have to respond with 'And he will always call you Crusty Nuggett' with a really smug smile the next time she says the Albey thing

Please only double barrel if both surnames are short, i had a poor child in my glass that ended up with his first name and surnames being 29 letters long, that is a lot of letters to get in the right order when you are 5

Oh come on, how essential is it for a 5 year old to be able to write their entire name?! 🙄 First name yes

Just to add OP,

Just consider yourself lucky that your mother in law, isn’t tagging your husband, in this!

Think this is directed at anyone in particular? 😂

DH sends a text then you have it in writing.

“Hi mum, Zebedee was only one of a few possible names and whilst we know you like it we are not going to use it. We will be keeping the new name to ourselves as we may change our minds again and don’t want to confuse the matter any further”

MIL needs nipped in the bud now, or this will be the pattern of your whole future life. Once she gets the idea you are a pushover, she’ll be deciding everything, from the decor in the nursery to which model of pram to buy.
Establish your boundaries right now, OP, get DP on board, and stick to them.

That T-shirt is terrifying.

@ShagMeRiggins my MIL is terrifying!

OP I am a lesson in not nipping your MIL in the bud! Whatever way you chose to do it - honesty, husband, white lie etc, just do it and set your precedent hun!

It’s like ripping off a bandaid? Short moment of pain and being uncomfortable for it being better in the long run x