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Original poster

MIL basically decided on a baby name for us - am I being unreasonable

72 replies

Lunamoon170 · 27/03/2020 08:21

Hi guys,

So basically my partner and I haven’t decided on a name yet, we had a few ideas that we liked but nothing set in stone.

Anyway, my partners mum asked about any names a while back, we told her a few we liked and she particularly liked one name and was saying ‘yes that’s definitely it I love that it goes with our surname perfectly!’

I thought it was just a passing comment, but now she calls the baby by this name constantly. She tells people that it is his name when she talks about him, has bought clothes and decorations for his room with this name on, she refers to him as this name.

Recently my MIL and my own mum had stopped by at my house for a cuppa, she started referring to the baby by this name, to which my own mum was confused and said ‘oh have you decided on that for definite now?’ And looked hurt that I hadn’t told her. I felt super awkward and just said no no we haven’t decided fully yet it was still just an idea, to which his mum said ‘he’s definitely going to be called that, it’s perfect!’

I don’t really know what to do. I feel really awful for complaining as I know she is just excited, but I feel awkward as she’s bought us things with this name on and spent money and is totally set that we’re going to call him this name.

In all honesty I’ve totally gone off this name now as well, I don’t think this has helped 🤦🏼‍♀️ Am I being unreasonable by being annoyed? My partner is so laid back in general, he just brushes it off, and I don’t want to ask him to say something to her in case it hurts her feelings but I feel like she’s named him for me.

It’s my first baby as well so I feel like it’s totally taking the excitement away as now his gran and grandpa also think we’re calling the baby this name because of his mum.

We have since thought of another name we both prefer but I’m kind of dreading telling her.

What should I do?

OP posts:

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velocitygirl7 · 27/03/2020 08:53

She's also presuming you're going to take your husbands family name.
In your shoes I'd definitely be keeping my own name or better still your dp could take your name?

NameChange30 · 27/03/2020 08:56

"yes we’re engaged but not married so I don’t have his surname yet."

It's not a given that you have to take his surname when you get married.

stairgates · 27/03/2020 08:56

Pick a new name now to use, it doesnt have to be the final name, say Tom and start referring to baby as Tom. You need to take this decision back or it has a chance of spiralling into stuff later on, resentment of the name every time you use it, nothing worse than an overbearing mil :) How far along are you?

stairgates · 27/03/2020 08:57

I missed the bit about you still having your surname, tell her you are going with the double barrelled surname!

MyOwnSummer · 27/03/2020 08:59

Put your foot down FGS! I was very very relieved to find out my kid was a girl at the 20 week scan, as I was already coming under pressure to name a son after MILs father. He passed away many years ago so I never met him and I don't think my OH did either.

No disrespect to the poor chap, but it was a hideous name which may have been the reason she named NONE of her sons after him! The sort that would get you beaten up at school (think something weird, posh and old fashioned like Humphrey, but not that)

But seriously, you do need to stand up for yourself here or face a lifetime of resentment over the name, and more importantly you will have shown her that it is OK to ignore your boundaries. That's not a road you want to go down. Gotta stamp that shit right out.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/03/2020 09:02

If you don't hate the name I might give it as a middle name, it'll keep the peace, and won't waste the personalised items.

On the other hand, the baby won't know they have personalised items, won't care and you should call him what you like.

As for the surname, do yours or double barrel. DP could always change to yours if you got married.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2020 09:02

Traditionally babies take their mother’s name. The only reason as to why this has normally been the father’s is due to most parents being married. Unmarried mothers had illegitimate children, who had their mother’s name. In this day and age, we think very differently obviously.

You will feel so much better when you have told her categorically that you have not chosen a name and that x name is the in vitro name only as suggested up thread. Please write to / text your mil today and tell her that you haven’t decided on a name. You’re going to wait until your boy is born to see which suits him best.

As for the surname, I’d be seriously thinking about using your name, double barrelling at the very least. She thinks she owns your child. If you don’t act very stringently with her, your poor family won’t get a look in.

diddl · 27/03/2020 09:09

If you've truly gone off the name then don't use it.

Don't not use it because of your mum being hurt-it's easy to explain that you hadn't decided but MIL had, but you still like it & will use it (if that's the case).

I'd be wary of even using it as a middle name if MIL would then use it instead of the name that you had chosen.

Imok · 27/03/2020 09:14

Dh and I were very careful not to give any hints about possible names with either of our two for precisely this reason. As it was, I spent the whole nine months hearing why we should use or why we should not use . We kept our choices to ourselves until they were born (and managed to offend both Dm and MIL😂).
Fast forward to when dcs and DIL were expecting dgc1. They asked us which we preferred out of a choice of two names. Without thinking, I said which one I liked best just because I thought there were a few options if they wanted to shorten it at all - think Elizabeth /Liz /Lizzie /Beth compared to Anne /Annie . I was mortified when DS said that they hadn't thought of the shortened versions at all and that as they both really disliked one of them, they would no longer consider using the full name! I know that they hadn't made a choice when they asked us, And they did ask, but even now I still feel bad about it. As it happened, it made no difference since baby was not the same sex as the potential names. Ds did tell us the choice of name before dgc was born, but I would never have gone out and bought named items until the baby was here.
Your MIL has massively overstepped and my attitude would be that if she's wasted money, that's her problem. You never told her the name for definite, so it's entirely her fault. If just tell her that was never the name - just a possibility , that you've now chosen something different and she'll find out once baby is safely here.

TwinkleStars15 · 27/03/2020 09:16

@Lunamoon170 it really depends on whether you said something straight away, or by accident let her continue thinking that? If you didn’t correct her immediately then it’s kind of not her fault that she’s thinking this...you sound like you haven’t really set her straight for fear of upsetting her, but that has meant that she has continued to believe that she is right. You really do need to put your big girl pants on and set her straight, she might be upset but once she sees baby I’m sure it’ll all be forgotten. Maybe get your partner to speak to her? Make sure he’s on your side.
Also, this is good practice for when baby is here! There may be lots of times you’ll disagree and you will need to be firm, you are the mother, not her.

diddl · 27/03/2020 09:21

" If you didn’t correct her immediately then it’s kind of not her fault that she’s thinking this..."

It kind of is though-unless Op asked her to choose a name!

YakkityYakYakYak · 27/03/2020 09:22

Definitely use a different name. Even if you loved this name I think it would be unwise to use it as it would set a precedent that she is heavily involved in the decision making around your child.

I disagree with PPs saying you shouldn’t ever discuss names. We discussed our shortlist with our families and friends and it didn’t lead to them thinking they were allowed to make the decision for us. I think most people know it’s just a fun conversation topic and they’re not actually being asked to decide on a name

I guess your MIL is just overexcited so be nice but firm

maa1992 · 27/03/2020 09:23

It happened to me. Andrew Thomas (Andrew after my husband) was my choice, to which MIL decided AJ (I hated it and asked if we could stick to Andrew) 6 months on he's known by AJ

MsChatterbox · 27/03/2020 09:23

What you do is call your baby the name you like. Announce it after the birth!

LexiM · 27/03/2020 09:25

You definitely learnt the hard way but it’s by no means your fault. What is wrong with some people!! Most people if you mentioned a name you liked wouldn’t go out and buy personalised things unless they knew you had said it was 100% the name. To be honest even then I would never buy a gift with it’s name as people can change their mind!

You’ve made it clear to her the baby might not be called that by saying it, so I would leave it at that. Going forward just decide on the name you want to use and tell everyone when it’s born. If anyone asks if you have a name say you’re still deciding even if you’ve decided, that’s what we are going to do. Definitely don’t let anything she says influence your decision and she might be upset/complain later on but that’s not your fault.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/03/2020 09:26

It happened to me. Andrew Thomas (Andrew after my husband) was my choice, to which MIL decided AJ (I hated it and asked if we could stick to Andrew) 6 months on he's known by AJ

You asked your MIL for permission to use the name you’d chosen and not the initials she’d chosen? Please tell me that’s not what you meant

stellabelle · 27/03/2020 09:31

Parenthood 101 - never tell ANYONE what names you are considering.

Teacher12345 · 27/03/2020 09:35

To be honest I would now refuse to use that name on principle!

Emmalou88 · 27/03/2020 09:36

How bad is the name..
Maybe sit her down and tell her your not keen.. maybe u know some1 with that name already.
Or you have a name which means something to you both.
Or maybe have it as a middle name.
Its a hard one as its got this far

Gwynfluff · 27/03/2020 09:37

Well, drop in that the name actually needs to go with your surname....

lowlandLucky · 27/03/2020 09:43

Step 1 Pick up the phone

Step 2 Dial her number

Step 3 Tell that will not be the childs name

Sorted

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 27/03/2020 09:44

This is why, after reading threads like this, we made up ridiculous names for our babies during pregnancy, and told everyone who asked those names. Then we figured out actual names for the babies once they were born (took it right to the registration limit both times)

I wouldn't do the middle name thing either - my MIL/FIL tried to make a nickname happen for my eldest that I hated. I just never used it, and made sure I used his actual name with all family members (possibly to excess), and it didn't take thank goodness.

And for surname, give the baby your name (or double barrel) - it's straightforward to re-register the child as a child of the marriage and change their surname if you decide to change yours when you get married - I read too many stories of regret about it on here. (and I have one myself - ended up deedpolling my second child to my name)

Twisique · 27/03/2020 09:48

We told pushy MIL some unusual names to distract her, worked very well, one of them was Agamemnon

islerunner · 27/03/2020 09:50

We had the same thing but to a lesser extent with SIL she kept calling him by a name that we considered whilst I was pregnant and joked about continuing to call him that after the birth even if we picked a different name.

We did end up picking a different name and told everybody the name after he was born. All traces of the name she called him whilst I was pregnant stopped very quickly. DH was very firm with her though about what his name was.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 27/03/2020 09:58

Can people please stop telling the Op what surname to give her DC. That’s her choice. Her surname, her DP’s surname... It doesn’t matter as long as they are both happy with it.

I’m a feminist but decided to take my DH’s name when we got married. That was my choice. If I’d wanted to keep my own name, no one would have batted an eyelid but I was never that attached to my surname.

We gave DD DH’s surname before we were married. Again, that was our choice. No one ever questioned whether I was her mother. The only other option would have been to double-barrel.

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