Pregnant partner hardly wants to see me

[Frankie66]

Hello, my partner is 9 weeks pregnant and ever since finding out the news it's as if she doesn't want to see me. I work away, therefore I'm only home on weekends. We've recently moved into a new build house together but she claims she can't stand the smell of the house so she's moved back in with her mum. Since this, I'll be lucky to see her once on the weekend for a couple hours. When we are together she can say some nasty things towards me. Usually she says she'll see me again the next day but always bails. She always manages to go and play netball on a Monday, so she puts in the effort for that but it just feels like she doesn't want to put the effort into seeing me? I haven't complained I've only agreed to what she wants and been supportive. Just seems like she doesn't care if she sees me or not. Any advice?

I can't comment on the nasty comments and not making an effort but the smell thing may well be genuine. So many things smell unbearable, especially in 1st trimester. Additionally, if it's a new build there may be genuinely unhealthy chemicals in the air.. can you steam clean the carpets and make an effort to air rooms? Or maybe get an air purifier?

I hope you get your relationship problems sorted.

I was a mardy hormonal wreck in the first couple of months, and my husband couldn't do anything right. She genuinely might not realise how she's being - have you told her you miss her? (Or other gentle ways which tell her she's pretty much abandoned you). The smell of the house I can definitely believe - talking about how to make that better might break the ice?

She’s probably knackered. I couldn’t stay awake past 8pm in the first trimester.
She might be dragging herself to the netball to avoid telling people before 12 weeks.

While your OH is probably feeling like crap, tired, sick & the smell thing is 100% real (I couldn’t even stand the smell of water.. who knew it had a smell?!).. it is slightly odd behaviour to not want to spend time with you at all Being with my OH is my biggest course of comfort & companionship, I miss him when he’s just at work & I’m home on maternity leave!

Do you go to her mums house to spend time with her there? If it were me, I’d be spending the whole weekend with her there. Appreciate it’s a bit annoying not being at home in your own space but it won’t be forever & could be just the one night on Saturday and spending a couple nice day times together .. or does she not want you to do that? Cos if she doesn’t, that’s a red flag to me.

How long have you been together? Where you OK as a couple prior to the pregnancy? Is everything OK with the pregnancy? Was it planned/is it wanted? What are your plans when baby is here? Is she worrying that you work away so much, she’ll not have much support? All these things are possible factors..

I did go to her mums on Friday for a little bit, and Saturday she made the conscious effort to try and stay ours but just couldn't bare it. I have the week off and she works until 5pm, but she told me earlier to post her pregnancy tablets through her letter box rather then saying 'hey come over for a couple hours later and bring the pregnancy tablets' she mentioned she'll see me once during the week and on the weekend. But the other days during the week she'll rather be alone and rest.

We've been together for 7 months, and prior to this she was single for 4 years and she's only 21! We were great beforehand, seeing each other every weekend for all of the weekend! She's been throwing up every day and constantly feels sick. And the pregnancy was planned, it's what we've both always wanted! The plan is for her to take a year off work and be living in our house. She has support from family, so I don't think me working away worries her. However I could ask her? Thanks for the response.

She's 21, she's 2 months pregnant, you've been together 7 months ( so she got pregnant 5 months into the relationship) but it's what you both have always wanted?

Plus she's been single for 4 years but is still only 21 - so she's never really had a serious adult relationship has she yet 5 months after meeting you're having a baby and have bought a house together. It's moving incredibly fast - maybe she's having doubts about it all?

Can't comment on the comments thing but there could be some genuine things.

I'm 9, nearly 10 weeks pregnant, and smells are killer. Shower gels, air fresheners, cat food, the air. Everything is absolutely honking and it's exhausting.

I live with my DH and although I want him in the house I also want to be left alone a lot too. Like at nights I'll go through to bed at 7/8pm and stretch out to be comfy and watch a show I want to. Dh wanted to come as well to keep me company, but honestly I just want the space to myself for awhile. At weekends I'll do the same for a few hours in the afternoon. When he does come to bed, I feel like I'm constantly having a go at him as he fidgets and sways the bed (which is not great when you feel sick af).

I also cant stand being cuddled atm, as in bed I'm too warm and when I'm up and about I can smell his deodorant or even what he's been eating. We now have a thing where he just pats me on the head.

When we visited the midwife for my booking appointment she said it was totally normal to feel grumpy. hormonal and just nothing like yourself in 1st trimester. She then turned to Dh and said don't worry, your wife will be back soon and laughed.

It makes me feel like a total hormonal bitch but he laughs about it as he knows I'm not doing it on purpose. Your DP is growing a human, it can make you haywire.

Were you okay before she was pregnant? Like others have said, I'd spend weekend at hers, even if you need to sleep on sofa or floor. Just so you're there and helping as much as you can as maybe she's worried about when the baby gets there. Maybe have a chat too? It's hard but it might be worth it to feel better. Im hoping it's just hormones for you

I'm not blind, I can see from the outside how incredibly fast it is and the immaturity to buy a house and have a baby together so quickly. We did date for a fair few months before being official, however from all the relationships I've had I've never felt so sure about it.. But I just feel my naivety towards it all has now made me realise like you said, maybe she is having doubts... but how do I communicate this with her if she is or not?

I really think that you need to ask her to have a chat about it all. I can honestly say, although it makes me sound like a bitch, I have been so brutally honest about the way I think and feel towards things and don't seem to care at the time how it's going to make anyone else feel because I'm trying to look out for myself, I think this is the time where shes likely to be the most honest with you.

I totally agree with PP, smells are horrendous, I cant be near my OH a lot of the time because I can smell everything he's eaten through the day and it just makes me gag. I'm the same with being touched too, anything touching my tummy especially makes me feel physically sick, and I'm so hot all the time. I've really surprised myself with wanting to be alone during this pregnancy because normally all I want is closeness and comfort. She might be the same and she could be really suffering with some of her symptoms. I'm just turned 22 and even if it is wanted it is SO scary when all of these changes are happening to our bodies and we cant control them.

I hope things get better for you

Try and cut her a little slack. I was miserable at the start of my pregnancy. Snappy and sometimes downright mean to my poor DH as I was feeling so rough and out of control of my own body.
For the first 4 months of pregnancy, I also couldn't stand the smell of my house. Every morning, the minute I got to the top of the stairs to walk down them, I would start wretching at the smell (dusty due to renovations happening downstairs) and would be sick multiple times until I could get out of the house. Often I would have to send my husband downstairs first to open the front door ready for me to do a mad dash outside and would lay on the lawn all day until I had to come back inside when it got too cold.
My husband tried to help by getting plug in air fresheners but they made it so much worse and I still find myself gagging at those even now if I think I can smell one at nearly 38 weeks.

The early weeks can be hell and she's got all those physical and hormonal changes to deal with along with the stress of moving and the adjustments of a new relationship and living with someone. That would be a lot for anyone to deal with but at only 21 that's a huge amount of change to deal with. She might be overwhelmed or having doubts. You need to talk to her.

Can I ask how old you are OP?

I had my first baby at 21 with my much older partner and looking back the first few months of pregnancy were FILLED with what ifs and dare I say it, even a bit of shame.
My partner, being older was much more 'ready'
I believe I had a touch of depression looking back.

Things settled down when DD1 was about 6 months and I was used to it all.

We now have 2 DDs and I can't really remember life before. I do wish I had a bit more fun though.

I'm 24, I've already got a little girl. But it wasn't planned with my ex partner and things were much different compared to my current partner

How often do you have your daughter to stay? Could your gf be worried about how she will cope with the new baby and your daughter? Or indeed how your daughter will cope with having a sibling? It's a lot to take on board for you all and in a very short space of time.

If she is being sick daily then she is probably feeling unwell 24/7 and the hormonal tiredness is just exhausting it is the only time in my life I didn't experience insomnia... and yeah the smell thing certain things just make you feel even worse.

She's 21, feeling in - she probably just "wants her Mum".

My daughter will usually stay once every other week and the other night she'll stay at my parents. It's an awful lot to take on in search a short space of time... probably the loneliest I've felt in years. But I just hope the future will be worth it. And I do believe as she's only 21 she does need her mum there looking after her. Just hard on me, she makes it out that I have to put all my needs and wants to the side and focus only on her to be happy... which I understand to some extent

I needed my mum looking after me when I was pregnant and in a new relationship (many years ago now but I was older than her). There's not an age you suddenly don't need your family anymore. I think maybe you are expecting a lot from her (to be this grown up in a mature relationship) when actually she is quite immature still (not had LTR still quite young etc.)

Why did it not work with your ex? Were you an active part in that pregnancy?

You sound quite clingy if not a bit controlling. Are you feeling insecure? Or just don't really understand the impact of pregnancy on a woman hormonally and emotionally? Even the most grown up of 21 year olds will reach out to their family when they are tired and emotional and hormonal and things are changing really quickly. She won't ever be able to get all the things she needs from you (when people try to do this it's called codependency and usually leads to a break up or many years of unhappiness) she needs a network of people around her and so do you (interdependency).

The smell thing. As a PP said I couldn't even stand the smell of water. Or the taste. People breathing would make me feel irritable. I would burst into tears over the smallest things. I was cranky and irritable and snappy at that stage, and trying to keep the whole thing a secret, at work with my friends etc. Until the 12 weeks scan. And the tiredness was like nothing I've ever known. I was just exhausted. But that's hormones for you.

A few of my friends had a thing where they could not bear the smell of their partners while they were pregnant. It could be that and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings?
The smell thing can be awful for many women.
Can you meet away from the house and have a chat?
Sounds difficult. Hope it works out ok.

That’s quite a lot for your daughter to cope with in such a short time too.

Op it does sound like she’s overwhelmed and just needs her mum. However even if she’s young she is still and adult and is capable of having an honest conversation with you about what’s happening and how you both are feeling

I hate to add the horrid topics but are you sure she does want to continue the relationship with you? Are you also sure the baby is yours? She is young and maybe going home to her mum as she’s uncertain about her future

I fell pregnant in the first few months of a relationship with my now DH. We mostly pretended it wasn’t happening as we were immature (19 and 21).

I was exhausted all the time and felt sick all the time. No issue with smells particularly. I’m pregnant again now and have only had a few waves of sickness and extreme exhaustion.

My DH has probably felt a bit neglected by me in the last few months but I’m so exhausted all the time. I just want to sit in silence. I’m still at home and make the effort to sit with him when I can. We aren’t particularly touchy-feely so it’s not a massive change for us. I’ve never made nasty comments towards him though. My hormones are up and down but that doesn’t stop me functioning as an adult.

It sounds to me as though she's not certain about the pregnancy.

The smells thing is 100% reasonable but pushing you away isn't fair.

You have really rushed into this and it's scary finding out you're pregnant at any age - planned or not.

However the nastiness is completely ridiculous and that needs addressing pronto.

OP you do have the put all your wants to the side, and unfortunately your needs come last after your daughter and partner.

It is hard for some people to understand that.

OP you do have the put all your wants to the side, and unfortunately your needs come last after your daughter and partner.

Bullshit. No he doesn't. She's pregnant, not terminally ill.

I have been mostly single for the last 4 years plus so I can relate. When I had partners for certain periods if they were always around I felt annoyed and felt I couldn’t breathe needed my own space and time to myself. Think people are wrong when they say she’s doubting the relationship if that was the case she wouldn’t have got pregnant. She’s used to being alone plus she’s got the pregnancy to deal with. I’d say get her used to you being around, show that you care and love her so when your not there she will miss and call you but at the same time give her space. Maybe she’s been let down terribly in the past so is scared about the whole thing I mean in the sense that you will not hurt her later on. Reassure her and make her feel loved I would say.