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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant partner hardly wants to see me

48 replies

Frankie66 · 10/03/2020 08:37

Hello, my partner is 9 weeks pregnant and ever since finding out the news it's as if she doesn't want to see me. I work away, therefore I'm only home on weekends. We've recently moved into a new build house together but she claims she can't stand the smell of the house so she's moved back in with her mum. Since this, I'll be lucky to see her once on the weekend for a couple hours. When we are together she can say some nasty things towards me. Usually she says she'll see me again the next day but always bails. She always manages to go and play netball on a Monday, so she puts in the effort for that but it just feels like she doesn't want to put the effort into seeing me? I haven't complained I've only agreed to what she wants and been supportive. Just seems like she doesn't care if she sees me or not. Any advice?

OP posts:

Lalla525 · 11/03/2020 07:07

OP I have to disagree with many posters. She's acting very childish and it is not justified. Yes, first trimester is hard and I too was shit with my partner. That is not a good thing and I made clear to him that I was feeling bad and that with time would pass. This is because I documented myself and knew my reactions were due to hormones and not to him.

If she's adult enough to vote, buy a house and become a mum, she certainly I'd adult enough to take a good look at herself and treat you fairly (ot at least have an honest conversation about it). Hiding at her parents is not a solution.

On the smell. I too hated every smell and my partner breath was a no go. We talked about it and he understood. Now things are back to normal.

I personally think she is having doubts about the enormity of all this. You have 2 options.

ask for a clear explanation pointing at how ridiculous her behaviour is
give her the space and time and let her miss you (or not).

But honestly, her behaviour is not ok.

Summersunandoranges · 11/03/2020 07:13

She doesn’t want to be with you - or is incredibly immature.

I’d honestly be saying to her right now. ‘If you want to see me Im at our home, I won’t be chasing you around any more. You need to grow up or move out so we can sell the house’

Ridiculous behaviour.

SistemaAddict · 11/03/2020 07:25

How old is your daughter OP? Could you see her more often? It doesn't sound like you are very involved in her life and maybe your gf is worried that if you split up she won't get much support from you either. The only way to find out is to talk to her. No one here is going to be able to give you the answers.

Original poster

Frankie66 · 11/03/2020 08:33

I can see there is a lot of different views and opinion on this, but I'm finding it very helpful as I can try and figure out the best plan for me in this situation. We do text normally, she wanted this baby and she has said that she's excited about it and just wants to concentrate only on the pregnancy to get through it saying 'i'm concentrating on getting through and I'm coping with it then you should be able too'. I am an insecure person and I do suffer from anxiety as she is aware. I am aware this has made me clingy and more needy since she's moved back In with her mum and won't see me as often as before. From reading some of the replies I personally just think for now it's best I just give her space and send her 2-3 texts a day and give her a chance to think about this relationship and whether she realises she needs and misses me. In terms of my daughter I am involved as much as the mother in decisions and I do pay as much as I can for child support. So even if me and my partner were to break up she'll be well aware that i will be there all the way. Also other side note, my partner was cheated on in her other relationship and her dad cheated on her mum for years and she has mentioned it's difficult for her to trust as every guy in her life has let her down... so I'm not sure if what she's doing is a game to see if I'll let her down, which I think is ridiculous as I've brought a house and agreed to having a baby with her!

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankie66 · 11/03/2020 08:34

And my daughter is two year old

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 11/03/2020 08:40

To have only been together 7 months, bought a house, having a baby and you have a 2 year old from a previous relationship, it all sounds very fast (and possibly not well thought out)

Tootletum · 11/03/2020 08:46

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You just need to be absolutely clear about the fact that you want to help but also want to know if she actually wants a relationship with you. It's one thing to do everything for her, and another to just be a service provider...My DH was hugely mindful of how hard it was and did all the housework (with first DC anyway), but I very much wanted to spend every minute with him.

RandomMess · 11/03/2020 09:30

You have said this is making you feel insecure and needy. It honestly could be that she is feeling so unwell that she literally cannot cope with you being needy, it is all consuming and a shock if you you are unfortunate to be someone that suffers badly with sickness and all day nausea etc.

I think sending her 2-3 texts a day and checking if it's ok to pop in every/most beings along with "is there anything you/or your Mum need" can only be seen as kind and supportive. Along with reassurances that she will most likely to start feeling better after the first trimester.

Want a baby, getting pregnant and then finding yourself feeling awful and wondering what the hell you have done is not uncommon and can lead to antenatal depression.

Be patient, supportive and kind. I hope it works out but now probably isn't the time to question her about the relationship.

Original poster

Frankie66 · 11/03/2020 09:39

Random mess - I completely agree with your reply. She is sick every day and is constantly complaining of feeling tired and sick so me constantly checking for reassurance and to see her/ being needy could well be more draining for her... I think the couple texts a day asking if there is anything she needs and seeing if I can pop in is probably the best thing for me to do. She was questioning the other day whether we could even afford our house and I did manage to reassure her we could... patience is one of the things I find difficult as people reading this can see with buying the house and having a baby... just have to take each day as it comes

OP posts:

SistemaAddict · 11/03/2020 09:46

In terms of my daughter I am involved as much as the mother in decisions and I do pay as much as I can for child support.

But you only see your daughter once a fortnight. Being involved in decisions and paying child support is minimal. Do you live far away as I'm wondering why you don't have more contact with your dd.

21 is still very young. I only appreciate that now that I'm older but thought I knew it all back then. Being pregnant can be very anxiety inducing. You need to communicate.

Original poster

Frankie66 · 11/03/2020 10:01

*But you only see your daughter once a fortnight. Being involved in decisions and paying child support is minimal. Do you live far away as I'm wondering why you don't have more contact with your dd.

21 is still very young. I only appreciate that now that I'm older but thought I knew it all back then. Being pregnant can be very anxiety inducing. You need to communicate.*

I see her for the whole weekend when I have her, she just stays mine for one night and my mums for the other. And I do work far away 5 days a week and sometimes longer.

I find it awfully difficult knowing how to communicate with her without her thinking I'm having a pop at her. Guess I don't quite know the questions to ask and how to ask them without her thinking I'm annoyed at her...

OP posts:

SistemaAddict · 11/03/2020 10:09

That's tough on you all if you work away at least 5 days a week. She must be very worried about how she'll cope with a newborn and you away 5 days out of 7, minimum. Have you discussed how things will be once the baby is born? Will she have support from her mum? Your parents?

Original poster

Frankie66 · 11/03/2020 10:22

My shifts are getting changed soon luckily to 4 on and 4 off, so that'll definitely ease any potential worries she has. And we have, she said she'll take a year off work and obviously move back in as we do speak about doing up the nursery. And her mum has said she'll work 4 days a week instead of 5. And my parents don't work so anytime she needs to relax my parents will happily babysit

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankie66 · 11/03/2020 10:26

I personally just think she's adjusting to it all, and the fact she's going to be a mum. She talks a lot about miscarriages and how often they happen, so I know she worries about that.. but really doubt that has anything to do with the way she's been wanting to not see me. My mind is just spinning

OP posts:

Beau20 · 11/03/2020 12:30

OP I 100% agree with @Lalla525 - she is being very immature about this!

She is 21, I suppose SOME immaturity is to be expected BUT if she has committed to buying a house with you etc etc then she really needs to grow up. You are having a baby together for goodness sake! She can't rely on mummy forever, you are supposed to be a partnership, a unit. I know personally I wouldn't want anyone other than my partner being there and looking after me. Not my mum.

That being said, hormones in pregnancy and sickness are a real thing and honestly, it can be fucking horrid! The pure smell of my OH make me feel sick, I used to make him shower twice before getting into bed (harsh but the reality). Not sure if it was him or his aftershave but the smell went from being something I loves before so something that made me gip.

As PP have mentioned, a few questions need to be asked here - 1) are you sure she still wants to be with you? If so, she's got a funny way of showing it. There's absolutely no excuse for her cutting you out. It's your baby as well at the end of the day, it's not all about her. 2) (and this is horrible), are you sure she's been faithful? She's acting very odd and classic signs of guilt. 3) Are you 100% sure she wants the baby?

I really think you need to lay all your cards out on the table. Make an effort to try and make your home more livable in for her. It's a 2 way street here - she needs to start acting more adult.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/03/2020 12:47

To be fair I think they are both being immature. 5 months into a relationship and you think it is a good time to have a baby!

How long into your previous relationship were you OP before you had your daughter? When did you split up with the mum?

Original poster

Frankie66 · 11/03/2020 12:57

*immature. 5 months into a relationship and you think it is a good time to have a baby!

How long into your previous relationship were you OP before you had your daughter? When did you split up with the mum?*

We was together for 2 years before our daughter was born. And we split up when my daughter was a couple months old

OP posts:

SistemaAddict · 11/03/2020 12:58

Exactly. His other daughter is only 2 and he barely sees her yet he's decided another child is a good idea. There's so much to unpick here but I feel sorry for the little ones who have no choices here.

maria2bela · 11/03/2020 13:09

If things were fine before the pregnancy, I'd say just be patient and wait it out. Maybe talk to her mum about it? Say you're missing her and ask if there's any chance you can come over and spend some time? Women can react in all sorts of ways to pregnancy hormones, I am a top bitch to my partner when pregnant and everything he does irritates the hell out of me, doesn't mean my feelings have changed, just that my hormones have over taken my feelings temporarily.

Beau20 · 11/03/2020 14:26

To the judging people on here - none of us know if the pregnancy was planned or not... it may have been a total accident.

I know plenty of people who we've all frowned upon who had a baby right at the start of their relationship and are still together many many years on. Personally my view is 21 is far too young BUT there are some very mature 21 year olds out there who can handle it

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/03/2020 16:10

@Beau20 those of us who read the thread know it was planned

Beau20 · 11/03/2020 16:31

@GiveHerHellFromUs ooops sorry, I did read the whole thread but missed that part.

Well then, she really DOES need to grow up! You can't plan a baby and then run away from your partner. Maybe it wasn't a wise idea to plan a baby so soon OP in hindsight...

MummyNWife · 11/03/2020 21:17

@Bercows He has said he has his daughter at the weekends and works away during the week.... give him a break!

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