Pregnant and fiancé in hospital - emergency

[RainMinusBow]

I'm almost 28 weeks' pregnant and my fiancé has been admitted to Leicester hospital as a matter of urgency.

He's had a bad back for years (he's 44) but recently it's got a lot worse. Has been to GP so many times and even casualty as pain unbearable but they've just given him pain meds etc.

Anyway, he found this morning that he couldn't wee.

Went to A&E who eventually did bladder scans and emergency MRI. Fitted him with a catheter and now have referred him via ambulance. Awaiting to hear if he needs urgent surgery.

They have said it could possibly be Cauda Equina which indeed needs urgent surgery and can lead to permanent incontinence as well as lots of other issues.

I'm at home waiting to hear but can't sleep. I'm so scared.

I am also feeling very bloody angry that he's had to get to this point where irreversible damage could have been done when he kept saying things weren't right.

This is his first baby (my third) and I honestly don't know how we're going to cope if things don't get better or worse.

by MNHQ at OP's request

Hello there.

So your DH is incapacitated but it doesn't mean he can't make calls and help arrange things too. If he has school,contacts then ask him to help,get some things organised, the kids will love it I'm sure to have play dates or sleepovers.

Your mum may not be well but we mums like to know what's going on and she would probably want to offer moral support even if she can't offer practical support so do think about talking to her. Sometimes when you are ill yourself it's good to have an external distraction. You will need to learn that this is not entirely your burden to manage.

With regard to the new baby, it will take time. By worrying about her as you are, it shows that you care for her and that's the strong basis that all babies need. It can be hard to bond with a person you've not yet met but think about her, all tucked up safely, listening to your soothing heartbeat, all warm ,safe and toasty. A little human made half of you and half of your DH . You are already taking good care of her and she's not even born yet. And once you've met her, you'll be smitten and this night will seem like a distant, horrible memory.

@lightlypoached Aw thank you so much for being there, I fee much less alone.

I don't know any of the parents at my youngest son's school, not enough to ask them to have him really. My other son is nearly 13 so luckily he's happy with his XBox most of the time. He thinks a lot of my OH and so is understandably really worried about him.

I'm not so close with my mum since her cancer diagnosis - she kind of shut me out. I know she's only doing it to try to protect me. She wasn't happy at all when we told her I was pregnant - mostly from a financial pov but also because she believes we're too old to be having a baby together (39 and 44).

I do feel alone sadly IRL. I can't tell my OH I'm feeling so down, that wouldn't be fair.

I'm sorry about your mum. Maybe you will meet some new people via ante natal classes?

Your ages are perfect for having a baby, most people I know were late 30s having theirs. Financially it's never really a good time is it? Sometimes you've just got to go,with what feels right and sod what anyone else thinks or says.

I suggest you keep coming in here to get some moral support too as there are lots of kind people, many of whom aren't obsessed with 'the' virus long enough to some on and chat about other stuff

Glad to hear he’s home and you have a diagnosis. Please do put the word out to your friends or the school as I genuinely think people like to help if you are clear.

You might find that you end up sharing the sofa with him and the newborn for a few weeks and you know that might actually be lovely bonding time!!! It might be a bit of a muddle for a few months but just take it a few days at a time.

@ChakaDakotaRegina Thank you. I'd love to, but I don't know any of the other mums at either the primary or secondary school?

You sound overwhelmed and for good reason. This has been a huge shock for you and you have a lot of other stressful things going on already.

Deep breath and be practical. Recovery will take up to 24 months so this is a long haul. How is your DH coping at the moment? Can he use a walker or does he have a wheelchair? He needs to find a way to move around the house safely when you are not there. Can he sleep downstairs so that there are no stairs? Is there a bathroom downstairs? How is he coping with the catheter?

Has he been told anything about physio? Sometimes it’s best to go to a residential, specialist unit for a few weeks and concentrate on recovery.

Deal with the practicalities of the here and now, this is not the time to make any difficult decisions long term. The baby won’t be here for another ten weeks and things will look very different in ten weeks.

You are in the worst bit.
He’s at his ‘worst’, although they have ‘fixed’ ‘it’, post surgery pain and learning limitations is just starting.

Start with home practicalities:
How can he be safe at home when you are out? Drinks, snacks and toilet need to be accessible- if you have down stairs toilet, set up little station in reach for stuff- as well as snacks, charger, remotes etc. If upstairs- take snacks etc up to him so no crazy journeys round house.

Next- make appointment at youngest school- yes, you will need to be late/ leave early, but you need to get some support. They should have some kind of pastoral person- are there any clubs they can squeeze him in? Extra support- he’s been through a big thing, too.

Midwife- keep appointment, use it to offload- tell her everything thing, she might be able to help problem solve.

What is the plan for physio / ot for your husband? Can he use hospital transport to get there? The ot came to our house and organised kit for shower (bath board to get in/ out) and a few bits- it really helped.

Let yourself be angry, upset, hurt. This is massive, at a difficult time. You are right to be angry at the universe. Fear in the night is to be expected. Be kind to yourself.

Aw thanks all. We do have a downstairs toilet which is great - not so great it's the only one between all four of us (rented property)!

We don't have any space to add a bed downstairs but with supervision he is slowly managing the stairs.

Worried about how he'll cope tomorrow on his own all day, bless him.

No OT support being arranged sadly. I'm going to try and help him wash his hair now but both of us can't really bend much.

No clubs for youngest as tiny village school. I have to be at work by 8.15 and finish at 4pm. My dad takes and collects little one, I take and collect eldest.

Op, I have had 4 ops on my back. He might never recover to how he was before but he will get much better from how he is now. Give it a couple of weeks and reevaluate. I was a mess after my last op and whilst there are still things I can't do there are lots and lots of things I can and I lead a fairly normal life (albeit I now have to be careful - but so do lots of people).

@sopsmum Thank you, I understand what you mean. He's been in considerable pain for quite a few months now and sadly has taken lots of falls. He is aware his bladder/sexual function may never return. Devastating as a relatively young man (44) and I worry about how this will impact upon our relationship.

I'm back at work as can't afford to be off but seeing mw this week for routine appointment so will discuss then what is best to do in terms of keeping/not keeping baby etc...

How are things? Are you managing at home? Am shocked no OT visit to check everything is safe.
Hope everything is settling, and his condition is improving.

@Cantchooseaname Aw thanks so much for checking up on me. Nope, no OT support whatsoever. I'm working ft until 38 weeks pg (currently 29 weeks) so he's at home on his own during the week, bless him.

He's had a few minor falls but luckily nothing major.

It's been hard to cope for all of us, especially with my two boys and not feeling particularly well myself.

It's the exhaustion that's getting to me as I'm not sleeping

With only one bathroom (and that's downstairs) it's also been a bit of a nightmare!!

Christ Op, that is awful! Has he not been given a wheelchair? A walker?

@Booboostwo No, nothing at all. I'm also surprised nobody is reviewing his catheter situation or even just checking it - his first appt for this is not until 2nd April.

Can you get hold of his GP or community nurse and see if they can help?

Does your local hospital have an orthopedic department? They may be able to loan you a walker. A walking frame should cost about 20 pounds, alternatively could you afford to buy one?

Yes, you are right, someone should be helping with the catheter as well.

@Booboostwo Following the advice today re pregnant women and self-isolating I've given up on everything!

OH is doing OK but I've stopped eating and am barely sleeping. I know this pregnancy has come at the wrong time from every perspective!

Just want it all to go away.

I can’t think of anything to say that doesn’t sound stupid and useless. Keep talking to people on the internet, try to be kind to yourself, best of luck.

It sounds like things are awfully tough, and there is not lots of support at the moment.
Try to make your lives as easy as possible, take the short cuts you can, extra tv for kids, easy food, just focus on one hour at a Time.
If you want to chat on pm, or let me know where you are, happy to see if we can help.