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Original poster

Social services referral

64 replies

Ajlaisy · 03/03/2020 15:19

My partner and his ex girlfriend had a very toxic relationship and before breaking up he threw water over her whilst his baby as in her arms she phoned social services (which was already involved as she smokes weed and admitted this to the midwfie) and he was stopped from seeing his daughter he had to go on an anger management course which he did and go on a drug course even though he hasnt smoked cannabis in over 4 months and doesn't touch any other drugs after this he should be allowed unsupervised contact again, i am pregnant from a previous relationship due to give birth in 4 weeks, today he received a phone call saying that they will be referring me to social services but without him there would not be an issue I have a decent job house and car, are social services going to take my baby away when I give birth to her, what is going to happen, if they spoke to me and said if you carry on seeing your partner she will be taken away I would always chose her but I'm freaking out right now that I'm not going to be given that option. I don't feel he is a threat to me or my child, can somebody please advice me on what social services will do at all

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 03/03/2020 16:26

You need to end the relationship today. Does he live with you? You need to get him out.

Not (only) because of the SS referral but because I don’t believe for a second he only threw water on her and even if he did, throwing stuff at his baby is pretty horrific.

Then when they contact you, you can tell them honestly that you’re not with him. Your baby isn’t his so you’ve no reason to have contact with him.

Good luck. Flowers

Selmababies · 03/03/2020 16:27

I think it's extremely likely you haven't got the full story from your boyfriend. He's either deliberately lying to you, minimising his past behaviour, or has absolutely no insight into how his behaviour has led to his ex and social services having serious concerns about him.
No one on this forum can say with any certainty that your child will not be removed. It's highly unlikely on the limited reasons you have explained on here, but as just said, you probably haven't got the full picture.
Meet with Social services and see what they have to tell you. Listen carfully and with an open mind. Also, contact the police and make an application under Clare's Law, which will give details of any concerns re past domestic vioence etc.
In your shoes, I'd dump him now as not worth the hassle and worry. Concentrate on getting ready to be a mum, and the best mum you can be. Good luck

Delbelleber · 03/03/2020 16:43

If you continue seeing him he'll lose his temper at you in front of your baby. He's just waiting till he feels comfortable enough and thinks he can get away with it.

tearsandtiaras · 03/03/2020 17:02

Who are these posters saying "they won't take your baby away" , they have no right or ability to say that.

BusterMove · 03/03/2020 17:05

tearsandtiaras this. Social services can and do take babies if they are deemed at high risk. Nobody on this thread, including OP, knows what happened with the ex partner, but not being allowed to see the child makes it sound as if it were much more than what he's told OP.

Princessfaffalot · 03/03/2020 17:24

You need to end it with him, today.

caffeinefix · 03/03/2020 17:26

What do you see in him, exactly?

Connie222 · 03/03/2020 17:26

Leave him now.
Contact the social worker in charge and tell them you have ended the relationship. Ask them how you can prove to them that you will have no more contact. Do everything they suggest.
If he tries to contact you, log it, if he’s persistent get a non mol order.
Block him on everything.
You need to break up with him now and show that you are doing everything to stop him contacting you.

He’s not even the child’s father, you don’t need all this drama and worry in your life. Move on, concentrate on your pregnancy and baby and stay single for a long while.

Connie222 · 03/03/2020 17:33

Whatever you do, don’t let it get to the point of them making you chose between your child and this idiot. Break it off now for your sake.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/03/2020 17:44

Who are these posters saying "they won't take your baby away" , they have no right or ability to say that

Well, a child protection social worker, actually. If the OP ends her relationship there is no chance they will take the baby away. Even if she doesn't, there is very little chance they would. That's not to say she shouldn't end the relationship, of course she should, it's not worth the risk, but that doesn't mean that the baby will be taken away.

Luckyme30 · 03/03/2020 18:04

Today 17:02 tearsandtiaras

Who are these posters saying "they won't take your baby away" , they have no right or ability to say that. - based on the info the OP provided I very much doubt they would just remove a baby! As I stated in my post the OP clearly doesn’t have the full story if SS are involved.

There are lots of processes that go on behind the scenes before a child can be removed from its parents - SS are not just going to turn up the day baby is born is ‘take them away’

There will be various assessments undertaken before any legal action is taken to remove the child - even if legal action was taken the OP would be well aware of the fact that legal proceedings were being issued by the local authority way before a baby is just ‘taken away’!

Anyway a referral to SS does not mean a baby is being taken away maybe they just wish to speak to the OP and help whatever way they can.

People need to stop scaremongering - I agree the OP is better off without him clearly, but people saying the SS ‘can and will take a baby’ is just ridiculous - they can and will if there is a serious danger to a child! Since the OP does not pose a risk (that we are aware of) to the child herself clearly the child will not be immediately removed!

Patch23042 · 03/03/2020 18:08

You might lose custody of your child if you stick with this guy. You might not. Only you know whether you want to take that risk.

BeautyAndTheBump1 · 03/03/2020 18:11

The babies father - what is his involvement in both of your lives? Does he know about this new man in your life that will be around your baby?

Mysocalledlifexx · 03/03/2020 18:11

Id end it now before your baby comes u dont need this drama with a newborn.
U dont know the full story so social services may take your baby because thats what they have said to u.
If he did this infront of his own child how could u 100% trust him with yours, yes people can change but that takes a bit more time,only off drugs 4 months isnt good enough. Be single & enjoy your baby

slipperywhensparticus · 03/03/2020 18:14

Yes they can take your baby away at worse at BEST you will be on a child protection plan

Send him on his way he isnt good enough for you

Drug courses are expensive and they wont pay for him to do one if he has "quit"

Anger management? Same deal no one has resources to waste on a good guy who smoked a bit of weed and threw some water

Mydogatemypurse · 03/03/2020 18:16

They wont take the baby away away. They will want to check everything is ok tho given his previous behaviour. A new baby Is a high risk time for violence due to stress and tiredness.

AnotherMurkyDay · 03/03/2020 18:17

Social services will not EVER tell you to leave your partner. When they say "we are only involved because of him" they are giving you the opportunity to take initiative to make that choice for yourself.

There are many many women who have been far along in the care proceedings or lost their kids and are still saying "well, they didn't tell me to leave him" No, but they give you multiple opportunities.

He was abusive to his partner and their baby got caught in the cross fire. He's barely stopped smoking weed. I'm sure his ex was "crazy" and she was the one with the drug problem and she was antagonising him and he "knows it's wrong to hit a woman" They all day the same things it's so predictable. And so is the outcome. There will be an incident similar to his past. Either you leave or you stay, another SS referral regardless. Then it will happen again if you haven't left. And again. At any point in the process SS can decide they've had enough of giving you opportunities and start initiating more serious measures. They still will not give you a choice in as many words. They will say you are "putting your child at risk" "not prioritising their needs" and they will have "concerns for your child's emotional wellbeing" these are SS code words for LTB

ScouseMar · 03/03/2020 18:19

You and your baby deserve better than a pot- smoking abuser (yes, abuser- what shit chucks water over someone holding his own child?) plus 4 months off pot (if indeed he has been off it, which I doubt) is nothing.

You both deserve so so much better. Single parenthood is better than being with a pot smoking abuser.

AnotherMurkyDay · 03/03/2020 18:21

@ScouseMar

I can most definitely confirm it is!

AnotherMurkyDay · 03/03/2020 18:22

I meant that I can definitely confirm that being a single parent is better than being with a pot smoking abuser if that wasn't clear, sorry

WorriedMum6868 · 03/03/2020 18:25

Read your post back to yourself. He threw water over his baby. Why are you bothering with this drama. Focus on your child

ShesCurly · 03/03/2020 18:27

Why on earth would you wait for an agency like SS to give you an ultimatum?

Choose your baby NOW. Stop seeing this man, tell SS you have done so when they contact you next and tell them you're happy to show them any communication with him that makes it clear you've walked away.

Imagine throwing water over the mother of your child while she is holding that child, a tiny baby. He's a disgrace.

With all due respect, this man isn't even the father of your child, you know this information about him and you haven't broken up with him?! Why?!

Choose your baby, today. You shouldn't need an ultimatum to leave this man.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/03/2020 18:27

Social services will not EVER tell you to leave your partner

Not quite! We can and often do tell couples to live separately while assessments are carried out and if the abuser doesn't engage, or their risk doesn't reduce over the assessment/intervention period, we would absolutely say 'if you get back together we will take X action'
It would be really unfair and sneaky not to make expectations crystal clear. Of course we want to be assured that the victim has genuinely made the decision to separate off their own bat but sometimes they need a push from a social worker to say 'if you let him back in we will go to court' to really spell out the consequences.

Elsiebear90 · 03/03/2020 18:30

It doesn’t matter how “crazy” his ex is or how dysfunctional their relationship was, this guy threw water over his baby! There’s no excuse for that, he is responsible for his own behaviour, no one made him throw a drink over his own child, that’s really f*cked up.

You barely know this guy and your involvement with him means social services are concerned about the safety of your child, leave him and protect yourself and your baby. You have no idea if any of what he has told you is even true. I have no doubt that if you were to speak to his ex you would get a completely different version of events.

PennyArcade · 03/03/2020 18:31

A man throws water over his baby in a fit of rage?

That doesn’t sound like a man any caring mother would want around her child.

Your baby deserves better. Much better. Having no “father” figure is much more preferable than having to live with mums boyfriend - who has a temper, smokes drugs and tells lies.

Where is the baby’s father in all this? Does he know you intend for his child to live with this unsavoury character?

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