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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Grandparents at hospital after birth

59 replies

Mum2b2020 · 14/02/2020 17:05

I told my mum that my husband and I want to be alone at the hospital and that she and my dad and sister can come visit when we are back in our house. Now she is trying to guilt trip me into changing my mind and saying that most people allow grandparents to the hospital.

I've told her if all goes well I might only be there 6 hours or so before I go home and that I might feel differently if I had to stay in 5 days.

What's the consensus? Do 'most grandparents' visit their daughters /grandchildren in hospital after the birth?

OP posts:

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Bol87 · 14/02/2020 20:14

Both sets came but not until after the birth! I couldn’t wait to see my mum & dad to be fair.. & they were so excited to see their Granddaughter. They waited until I text to say we were settled on the ward & came with a balloon, chocolates, Diet Coke (my vice), biscuits & a big hug! They had a cuddle with DD briefly, helped my OH change a nappy 😂 (I was stuck in bed with a still wearing off epidural) & then went on their way!

My in-laws live 4 hours away & jumped pretty much straight in the car 🙈 but they arrived late and visiting hours were from 2pm, so they came the next day. I was really glad to have lots of people to talk too.. passed the 3 days in hospital! Family members were coming & going from all the beds on my ward from 2pm-8pm.. no-one was just on their own.. so expect a lot of busy-ness around you!

Each time their own but being in hospital is so boring. Having some company is nice & at the end of the day, your parents/in-laws only want to congratulate you & meet their grandchild

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/02/2020 20:18

My mum was there for the birth. It was nice to have her there to support DH when things went pear shaped. Without her I think he would have broken when I hemoraged - he was turfed out of the theatre after cutting the cord and then neither he nor my mum received any news of my health for two hours.

chocodrops · 14/02/2020 20:18

We initially said no and were quite firm about it with both sets of GPs. Then DD was born and I felt up to visitors after all so they came to the hospital the day after (it was an 8 hour round trip for PILs but they were practically sat in the car waiting for us to say it was ok for them to come).

It worked out well for me as they couldn't stay for too long at the hospital and once home I didn't have it hanging over me that they needed to visit. DH ended up insisting they come again before the end of his paternity leave though and they stayed overnight because of the distance - it was awful I wouldn't do that again with a 10 day old.

elliejjtiny · 14/02/2020 20:18

My pil came once to the hospital with my youngest 3 although 2 of those times they were looking after our other dc and brought them in to visit. My parents waited until we were home. It's really up to you and how you feel.

ThePolishWombat · 14/02/2020 20:23

I gave birth to DC1 at midday, and my mum and dad popped in for evening visiting hours around 7:30pm, but only stayed about 15/20 mins - my mum totally ignored the baby when she walked in, gave me a big cuddle, and said “A cuddle for mummy first because I know how much it hurts!”
I had the next two DCs at home, and my mum was in the house keeping DC1 occupied during DC2’s birth, but I yelled for her to come in when he was seconds old.
My parents met DC3 when she was a few hours old.

WeeDinah · 14/02/2020 20:28

All depends, is this your first child? I think it's only natural whether it's a first child or not that a mother is going to be concerned about her child giving birth and think that its only natural for them to want to be a part of it as soon as they possibly can... of course you and your partner will be at the birth yourselves but I dont see the problem with afterwards? I would never tell my parents that they cant attend the hospital after the birth! It's only natural for a mother to worry and be concerned about (you) her child and soon to be grandchild. That's why I asked if this was a first baby because surely any mother would sympathise with this. I'm nealy 40 and having my 3rd child and if my mum and dad wants to be at the hospital after the birth then why should they? My kids are 16 and 18 and I would take offense if they asked me just to come to the house after they get home although I would fully respect the decision but I was in the hospital for 15 days with my first born so I was glad to see any visitors when they came as I nearly lost my life. Your parents might be anxious and worried for you also, lots of complications can happen (it happened to me) I wouldn't be a little more sympathetic to the situation. Every parents worries for their child and grandchild. Unless they are really pushy about the situation then that's different? you might be lucky and get out in 6 hours but they are obviously anxious for you and excited for the new arrival. I would never tell my parents no as I seen the fear in my mothers face with my first born, she thought she had lost her daughter and granchild as my sons heart stopped beating and I had a normal healthy pregnancy so we didnt expect it. Maybe I see it differently because of the complications I suffered but maybe this is also something to think about! I had was in labour for for the monday morning at 5:30am and didnt give birth til 9:55pm on the thursday night, its exhausting ...not saying it's going to happen to you but your partner might end up needing the break during labour like mines did so my sister stepped in to let him get some sleep! I would just assume you will be home in 6 hours especially if it is your first

HalfBiscuit · 14/02/2020 20:48

Who cares what other people do.

It's up to you what YOU want. If you don't want visitors then she can come visit when you get home. Don't let her bully you into something you don't want.

amaryl · 14/02/2020 20:52

Blimey
My family were camped out in the waiting room
Spare them 10minutes fgs!

RainbowFlowers · 14/02/2020 20:54

F* the consensus. Family should respect your wishes at potentially very vulnerable time for you.

notacooldad · 14/02/2020 21:32

My parents came at the lunchtime as DS1 was born at 03.00 that morning.To be honest it was a bit much as they came with my grandparents and 5 year old nephew ( my mum and dad was looking after him) However I knew how excited they were and there was no point of upsetting them. It was a small price to pay to keep them happy and the support I got in return was worth not falling out over. The visit lasted an hour or so and I was able to carry on with getting to know baby.

OlivejuiceU2 · 14/02/2020 21:33

Do what’s right for you!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 14/02/2020 21:56

F the consensus. Family should respect your wishes at potentially very vulnerable time for you.*

THIS ^ with bells on. Who cares what other mums have done. Well done them, here’s your medal 🥇😒 The OP needs to do what’s right for HER.

Original poster

Mum2b2020 · 14/02/2020 23:32

Ok thanks all. I've got a couple of months left to consider it.

OP posts:

couchlover · 15/02/2020 08:35

First was a section so I was in for 3 days after the birth so yes we had visitors. Second was a quick birth and we never left the labour ward - in my hospital there is only birthing partners allowed on the ward, no visitors.

maria2bela · 15/02/2020 08:47

Don't get me wrong, this time is about you and partner and baby. I would also say try to consider that it's also a special time for your relatives too. They mean no harm, they're just so excited to see baby, trust me, don't put those walls up so quickly because there will be a time you will really want people around helping out...

shutupsteph · 15/02/2020 08:49

Ours didn't and honestly I wouldn't have wanted them to. I went home the evening after giving birth (gave birth at midnight on tuesday morning, went home late evening on wednesday) so was in for a little while but I felt so vulnerable and exhausted I wouldn't have wanted anyone other than DP there. Family were understanding and 'allowed' us 3 days at home before the visiting began.

Wishing56 · 15/02/2020 08:58

My mum was dying to come to the hospital on the day I had my twins.
I had the girls at 11.40am but due to some complications I didn't get round to contacting anyone to say they had arrived until around 2.30pm.
I had a csection with blood loss and after effects where not great so I simply had to say that I know they are desperate to visit but I wouldnt be getting to the ward until around 7pm and I was in no fit state for visitors - i felt too vulnerable being naked, had a catheter in, midwife had to keep coming to change my pads as I couldn't feel my legs and to top it all off I opened my bowels whilst laying there and didn't have a clue so the midwives had to clean me up.

Everyone came to visit the next afternoon and understood when I explained the situation from the day before.

I think you will just have to see on the day how things go and how you feel.

Headfull · 15/02/2020 09:03

Perhaps say to everyone you’ll let them know when you are ready for them to visit? One horrific birth, everyone descended before I was out of the delivery suite. We were in for a week and non stop visitors, I was in a lot of pain, baby wasn’t doing well, and I just wanted us to be allowed to sleep when we could. However I felt I couldn’t say that as it wasn’t ‘normal’. Second time birth was great, 12hrs later and I was desperate to introduce the siblings and for people to come coo over the latest family member. So you won’t know how you feel until you are there. Put the boundaries in place (we will call when we are ready). People will be excited but if they need to wait for a day or two (and then wait another week or two for a second visit) then great.

Headfull · 15/02/2020 09:04

not great I mean fine!

Mumdiva99 · 15/02/2020 09:11

@m2be2020 when I had my second and was in and out you didn't leave the delivery suite - never went to a ward. So there was no opportunity for visitors. For my first I was csection although not expected and said the same as you - no visitors. My mum ignored me and turned up asap the next morning - I had never been more pleased to see her. I wanted a shower, you had to have someone in with you and to look after the baby so she came and did that. -- why not try not saying 'No' - but we'll phone when we are on a ward. Then you keep control - and if you don't phone till you are home.....your choice.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 15/02/2020 09:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

saraclara · 15/02/2020 09:18

I preferred hospital visits (I was in for a few days though) because as a pp said, it's easier. There's no hosting or providing anything, you just sit in bed like a queen, and people aren't tempted to stay long.

I'd play it by ear though. Simply say that until you know how the birth and feeding go, you don't know how long you'll be there and how you'll feel. Say that you'll let them know when you're ready for visitors, but stress that people are to wait until then and not just turn up.

My daughter's plan was no visitors until she was home (she was in for 2.5 days in the end due to feeding difficulties).
I went to the hospital and sneaked into the ward office on the second day to leave a bag of little gifts for her, and asked them not to pass it to her for ten minutes, as I didn't want her to know I was there and feel obliged to see me. I wanted to be safely on the way home when she got it.

Ten minutes later I got a phone call saying "where are you? Come back and see us!" She was feeling better than expected and realised that actually it'd be nice to have visitors. After I'd gone they called her PILs and had them over too. Siblings were asked to wait until she's was home though.

assilem92 · 15/02/2020 09:32

I had a planned csection, it was still very traumatic- baby was even bigger than they thought and they needed forceps, cut babies head due to forceps and I had excessive blood loss and struggled to get baby latched on.

Baby born 16:48 - entire family was at the hospital for 17:00 - I told my husband I did not want this.

They did it anyway.

Everyone was friendly, cuddling the baby. I'd barely held him, I got really overwhelmed and I felt like I didn't get any time with just my husband and our DS. I wish I'd of told them there and then to leave but I was just completely out of it.

Please make sure everyone listens to you, this is a really special and personal time

Starheart · 15/02/2020 09:33

Having people at home is far more stressful I feel . There is no time limit to how long people can stay etc for a start . To be blunt when I was on the ward everyone had visitors plus staff in and out all day so you didn't get any peace anyway. The time at home can be more relaxed if you don't need to host as soon as you are home . I was worried about this with my PIL especially as I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Spoke to midwives at antenatal class and their advice was to have visitors at the hospital so I wouldn't be disturbed at home .

StealthMama · 15/02/2020 09:37

I think I'd suggest that rather than make a plan you tell them you'll see what happens. I went to hospital at 1:30 am, baby was born at 3:30 am, we were home by 10am. We didn't even get to 'visiting hours' so this could all be a fuss over nothing. Our first visitor was 6pm.

Equally if you are there for two days, your dh might like a break and you might like some supplies bringing in so I would just leave it completely loose and tell them you or dh will be in touch as things are progressing and go from there.

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