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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Return to work conversations that upset me

59 replies

mvilma6 · 13/02/2020 15:15

Hi,
currently 26 weeks pregnant with much loved babe. I work as a manager and every time people ask me about my maternity leave and tell them I'm planning to return after 7 months they answer....nooooooo you wont come back or noooooo only 7 months?

They make me feel awful. I like my job (high stressful sometimes) but also we will need my salary.

have you had those comments? how old were your little ones when they went to nursery and you to back to work?

thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Hercwasonaroll · 13/02/2020 16:37

The award for dick of the day goes to @Pilot12

OP do what works for your family best. I had 7 months out of financial need. I'm now blunt with people "I had to go back because I'm the main wage earner" etc. My inlaws were the most vocal but that soon shut them up!

cezza1923 · 13/02/2020 16:38

I’ll only be taking 3 months. I’m self employed and can’t afford to take any longer. Everyone’s situation is different, I can’t change it so will just have to make it work. I’ve had countless people tell me I’m mad and that I won’t be able to do both. I just ignore them. My eldest is 16 and SMP then was only 4 months, so that’s when I went back and she’s grown to be a well rounded young lady. Just do what’s right for you and ignore others comments.

wonderstuff · 13/02/2020 16:42

I went back when dc2 was 8mo and when dc2 was 7mo. I was delighted to go back to be honest. When I was pg with my second my boss kept saying she had no idea how I was going to cope, which was weird, I mean people do! Pissed me right off because no one says this shit to dads do they.
Ignore them op, at best they're projecting their feelings about work and motherhood, and its extremely sexist. I know some extremely high flying women who successfully manage careers and young children.
I personally find being at home dull and I'm pretty rubbish at domestic stuff.

JassyRadlett · 13/02/2020 16:48

People like @Pilot12 don’t realise that when you have a choice it's very easy to say ‘I couldn’t’.

OP, I’m the main earner and went back at 7 months with my first and 8 with my second. My husband took shared parental leave so the kids didn’t start nursery until each was 11 months - though I have a friend whose daughters went to nursery at 6 months and both have absolutely thrived.

It will be fine. People can too often be twats who don’t have the capacity or imagination to think beyond their own experiences.

NanFlanders · 13/02/2020 16:50

How rude of them. Mine went to nursery (part-time initially) at 6 months. DD was upset about me leaving her for the first few weeks. I got really upset, until the nursery workers showed me photos of her beaming and laughing after I'd gone. With my DS it was 9 months (I think the law had changed) and he settled in straight away. We couldn't really have managed on one salary and my mental health was miles better at work than being a SAHM. Kids are happy well-adjusted 11 and 13 year olds now, and I love my job.

loobylou1967 · 13/02/2020 16:54

I had planned to take 6 months but my mat leave replacement was sacked for gross misconduct and the company begged me to go back FT after 10 weeks. Luckily the nursery was available from the earlier date (and the company paid for 4 months). I was by far the higher earner so never a question of being a SAHP. I did get a bit of criticism from people but do what fits for your family. My lovely DD (now 24) loved her nursery days and plans to do the same should she become a mum.....she's worked hard to build a career and the two shouldn't be mutually exclusive.

bestbefore · 13/02/2020 16:59

When my DD was born in 2003 I went back when she was 5 months - you only got 6 months then (it changed just after) - and I was off for a month before giving birth. So a lot has changed in 16 years! She's fine - always enjoyed nursery and I enjoyed work!

cissyandbessy · 13/02/2020 17:00

I went back to my manager job after 7 months. Combo of financial reasons and also that I was knackered frankly and needed to have a rest! Being at work was not as hard as being at home all day. I now have a super happy 20 year old who was all the better for not being around a frazzled, unhappy mum all day every day. I obv love DD to bits but the baby stage was not my favourite - felt v judged if I ever expressed this in mum groups etc though. Secretly I was bored, overwhelmed and lonely. Do what's best for you!!

SueEllenMishke · 13/02/2020 17:03

Yep had this alllllll through my pregnancy.
I knew I wanted to return full-time. I was told I'd last 6 months. That was 5 years ago! I'm still full time and love it. I'm lucky to have a very flexible job though. I also got told how awful it was that I had to return full time. I didn't have to. I chose to. Nobody ever commented on my husband working patterns.

I returned at 10 months. DS started in nursery one day a week at 6months then went full time at 10 months. He thrived.

RandomMess · 13/02/2020 17:04

With my eldest I only got until she was 6 weeks old

With the 2nd it was still only 16 weeks.

The very positive thing is that they aren't in the midst of peak separation anxiety!

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 13/02/2020 17:17

This is the first of many years of inappropriate (and unwanted) comments from people about your parenting.

My best suggestion is to ignore, ignore, ignore. People's comments are more about them and their feelings, than about you.

Kemz21 · 13/02/2020 17:41

Ooo I like this advice. I always worry about whether money will be ever enough, esecoally going on maternity leave for a whole year, but then your maternity pay stops! :( But I guess it's important to save as much whilst working and really make the maternity or statutory pay really stretch out!! To help cover costs when you stop working.:/

Bluerussian · 13/02/2020 17:43

Yes I had same but it was years ago, I'd have thought the world would have caught up by now. Obviously not in some quarters.

Pay no attention, it will be somebody else's turn soon.

SallyWD · 13/02/2020 17:48

I went back part time when DD was 11 months. I enjoyed being back at work but did find it very hard to leave my baby and worried so much.

Beau2020 · 13/02/2020 17:52

I was planning to back part time at 4 months but I work from home so it's not really leaving the baby as such. Now I feel guilty like that's too soon??

fibeee · 13/02/2020 17:55

A male colleague asked how long I was taking yesterday. When I replied 7 months he said “that’s a good long break for you.” 😂 Others have told me that I’m not taking enough and should be off work already and resting.

People have all sorts of opinions about everything when you’re pregnant. My best advice would be to cover your ears for the next 14 weeks. There is nothing wrong with liking your job and wanting to contribute financially to your family.

Mammyloveswine · 13/02/2020 17:58

@keyboard91 I did the exact same! I got riled when someone said "but you'll take longer with number 2?" E erm no as I can't afford to....

It's hard being the higher earner but also i was keen to ensure that my career didn't suffer!

Shock, horror...my career is important!

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 13/02/2020 18:07

Unfortunately this is completely normal! It's very annoying but I don't think people mean anything by it.

With my first we hadn't decided how long I would be off, I was vocal that it would be less than a year & I'd return FT. Got a lot of "no, you'll want a year & then come back PT". I was off 7/8 months and returned on payroll & to the business on the same day as I wanted to keep holidays to look forward to & incase he was ill etc.

Once he was born I felt judged for going back early & for not going back PT! I felt like everyone said it. It's beyond annoying that none has ever asked DH if he's going PT!

I'm on ML now with my second & expect to hear it all again!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/02/2020 18:10

Went back at 6 months, was treated with a mixture of pity and horror by my entire antenatal group, who acted like I'd announced I was moving to Australia and never seeing DS again - 'but won't you miss him?', 'he'll only be little once'. And lots of the shitty 'I want to raise my own child' comments.

It was absolutely fine, DS is 18 months old now and we definitely have a strong bond.

This might get me flamed but is it the people you manage, who are at a bit of a lower level, who are saying this? It took me a while to realise that the really vocal 'my baby is more important than my career' women I knew didn't really have a career as such and so their assumptions that it was the same decision for me and them were unfair. It's easy to be sanctimonious about how important it is to give up your job when a) your salary is a small proportion of the household income and b) you're not going to lose much in terms of progression or seniority by stepping out for years. N

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 13/02/2020 18:10

^ meant to say I felt emotional leaving him in nursery but loved being back at work. I enjoyed doing something for me & adult interaction plus we were back to 2 incomes!

Keyboard91 · 13/02/2020 18:10

@Mammyloveswine exactly! Why does the fact I have a vagina mean I can’t have a career!? Why should my fiancé earn more than me? I fell in love with him for his personality, not his salary.

And why does it make me a bad parent that I can’t/won’t become a SAHM!? If one more person tells me I’ll miss out on this or that because I’ll be working ... they will miss out on some teeth(!).

daisypond · 13/02/2020 18:13

Six months with all of my DC. That was the legal amount before it was increased.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/02/2020 18:17

Incidentally - because everyone was obsessed with 'but what if you miss his first steps/word' - I didn't see DS's first steps even though I was home, because I was in the shower, and I have no idea whether I heard his first word because it felt like quite a gradual process. I gather I'm supposed to find that devastating but I don't really know why - it's not like he walked once and never again and it was an equally big moment for me the first time I did see it!

totallydevoidofideas · 13/02/2020 18:17

People are deliberately horrible in this situation, I know. When I was about to go back to work after mat leave, a friend's DM said 'I was about to ask you what it's like being a mum, but you don't know really do you?' I was so dopey I just smiled and laughed but that comment really stayed with me. It was said maliciously, not unthinkingly.

redastherose · 13/02/2020 18:18

My eldest is 25 so it's a long time ago but I went back after 12 weeks as we couldn't survive without my salary. As I was a local authority employee I got 6 weeks pay at 90% (but you were forced to start maternity leave 6 weeks before baby was due) and 12 weeks at half pay. We were broke so couldn't afford a minute longer. Also went back full time.

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